Friday. 8.28.09 2:41 am
The word itself commands authority. It is unstoppable, inevitable, and unrelenting. It also provides promise. A purpose to something greater and grander.
I don't know if I believe in it anymore. It all seems so blurred now days.
Something she would have said means I'm finally seeing clearly.
But it's things like that. Things like tonight's episodes that shake me, down to the roots of who I was, who I may still be.
In reading Wild at Heart, I have come across an inumerable amount of revelations, most of which I'm sure are barely touching ground in the depths of me, but in all of them I have found one single trend; Men know what they want.
This of course comes of no surprise to many. Actually, this can be heard all across humanity; a desperate cry of billions searching for their heart's desire. It is reflected in all of literature, arts, entertainment, music, LIFE! And we all desperately cling to what we can get of it. Some attain handfulls while some comfort themselves with the grains of happiness they sought for so long. Some never find contentment, always searching for their heart's true calling in all the wrong places.
This is what makes us passionate. This is what drives us to the ends of the earth. This is what has driven men mad beyond reckoning, has brought kings to their knees, and has spurred on hundreds of beings to go beyond anything they've ever known, to reach beyond their grasp, to do unthinkable things, and achieve the impossible!
This... This is what makes us human. MAN. WOMAN. This is what breathes life into our very souls. What has kept a doomed species going for so long.
And I'm missing it.
Why? How? When? I wish to ask a question using a word that may very well not even exist. Sadly, the closest thing I can come up with is...
I've looking, deep, high, and... NEAR around, but I can't seem to find it.
I thought I had it before. But it was a lie. ...right? It was lie...? At least that's what everyone else says. It's gone. Done. Over. Get over it. Been over for years. And it's not even so much about the person, so much as it is about the purpose. The destiny.
Watching "According to Jim" (deep, I know...) I was stunned for a moment when I saw him scoop up his daugher in his arms as she rested her head on his shoulders. He held her and comforted her. And it was as if the world stopped. Everything stopped for the slightest of seconds. No one would of noticed. It happened so fast, I myself would have probably not noticed. A blink of an eye takes a month compared to this moment that happened. Yet... something slightly stirred in me. Something... I haven't felt in a long time... Not since.
And so I wonder, is it there? Is it trully there?
I've been feeling as if destiny has been calling, waiting, and I just CAN'T find the phone. For the life of me, I've let this world I live in become such a mess that I can't seem to find it! I can hear it ringing and ringing but it may be buried under the mountain of dirty laundry of past lovers or behind the bookshelf of unread books and unfinished tasks. But I have to find it! So this urgency comes to me at times. And it takes a while for me to shake it. Yet it drives me insane! I wish to purge everything around me. Pour lighter fluid in circular and expanding motions and tossing a match to it and let it all float in the wind, nothing but ashes. Is that wrong? Am I wrong? Is it REALLY destiny or is it a wrong number? And what if I accidently burn my phone of destiny? Or what if it's just echoes of my past?
"When I was dying I saw my dad. He was right there in front of me. I saw mom and Lana. They were there too. So close, it was like I could reach out and feel them. ... I've written eulogies. I've seen people walk away from me. But I've never really said goodbye. I've been holding on to a life on this farm that hasn't existed for years." - C.K.
"So what are you gonna do?" - M.M.
"Let it go.
It's the only chance I have of finding a new one." - C.K.
And I wonder... am I holding myself back by staying here? What if my calling is actually leading me away and I'm sitting here digging through an old chest filled with photographs, notes, and memories? Or am I simply gonna end up leaving my destiny behind by chasing some wild goose?
I can't seem to decide.
And it seems everyone else already knows. I don't know how, but they do. I can tell. Yet, like usual, it seems I'll find out last.
I just hope it's written in the stars that I find out the right way... and SOON.
Friday. 8.21.09 4:41 am
AH! It's LATE! I'M LATE! For a very important date. No time to say 'Hello!', Goodbye! I'm late I'm late I'm late!
Ok. Enough White Rabbit moments, but this stinkin' stupid computer has taken SO stinkin long and I wanted to at LEAST post this by tonight and even though it's without any real cause or reason, here's a list of my favorite bands:
1. Blue October
3. Spice Girls (YEAH!? And what of it!?)
4. Cafe Tacvba
6. Seventh Day Slumber
7. DC Talk
And possibly one new favorite:
- Son Volt
Well, there ya have it. Do any of y'all like/hate/know any of these bands?
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