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toxicity
Monday. 9.30.13 10:59 pm
It's been a rough road, but, mostly, it's about how I react to the people in my life, rather than who, exactly, I let in.

I feel like Mike walked up to my driveway and I was already sitting in the front yard, holding a stop sign with one hand and drinking a glass of sweet tea through a straw from the other. Sure, he tried to stroll back into my life. I didn't expect it until the other day when he started talking to me out of nowhere, but then it was expected. So fine, he wants to be part of my life. Go for it. He's interesting, he's funny, and he likes to converse in Spanish--which is so refreshing. I'm all for allowing him back into my life, in a general sense.

Still, there's no way in hell that he's earned a place in my circle of friends, and I think he might even be seeking more than that.

Big red stop sign.

This is a lot like how it sort of went with The Artist Formerly Known as Monster; I didn't let him back into my life right away. I deleted his number plenty of times after he started talking to me again, and was strong, up against all his weird, drunk stuff, and we ended up being able to have a pretty nice time out on the town, as friends. I saw a lot in him that hadn't been apparent in years.

Mike is different, sort of, because we were a couple. I saw him in public, and in private; sort of drunk, and very sober; tender, and harsh, and plenty in between...it's harder for me to believe that I have such a partial view of him. But still, I feel like he needs to be kept at a distance for the same reasons. He hasn't apologized--not really. He didn't give me any chance to get to know him, so I know he hasn't really gotten to know me. And, you know, just one night out on the town with TAFKAM destroyed any attraction I'd ever felt for him, physical or emotional--basically kicked me all the way back to the ground floor--so I have big hopes for ice cream with Mike. Not that it would kill all the residual relationship thoughts I have surrounding him, but that maybe our perspectives might change. Together or in different directions, I don't know. I've changed a lot. I've developed a lot of self-respect. He may have known me, but he doesn't, anymore.

And that's the theme, here. Not being...that...me...anymore. Smiling at the cute guy I missed a chance with, before; walking with my adorable and dry-humored neighbor, whenever I see him; MAYBE ASKING THAT PERSON I'VE BEEN SECRETLY PINING OVER FOR LITERALLY EIGHT MONTHS TO GET COFFEE, IF I'M SMART???

Because here's the deal...I have stopped caring. I'VE STOPPED. I cared, at one point, about so many trivial things, like Oh No If I Smile At Him He'll Think I Like Him (yes????? Good????), or Gee What If I Say The Wrong Thing and He Breaks Up With Me (YES???? GOOD????), and not about super major things in my life like what would make ME happy, and what sorts of things I want out of my relationships, and that was silly, so I've just...stopped. No more.

Stop sign.



Friends don't like the fact that I'm talking to any of the old flames. Fine. But there have been points in every friendship I've ever had when I had to seriously question whether to keep that person in my life or if they were just way too unhealthy for me to be around, so maybe they should get a grip, perhaps on this big red stop sign.


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watch as I ruin my chances at an A on this project.
Wednesday. 9.25.13 11:50 pm

A little procrastination.


I went to a concert festival, last weekend, and that weekend did not disappoint.

1. We stayed with my friend's friend and his two roommates (and his roommate's three friends, and one of their friends) in their home, which is in a lovely gated community.

2. We drank beer and watched sports and movies all weekend.

3. I saw middaymoon where he learns for the first time since middle school.

4. Wow good weekend.

5. I got to stare at Karen O, who is, in fact, a goddess. I should probably stop convincing myself that I'll someday marry her BUT NO SHUT UP GO AWAY LET ME DREAM.

6. I got to ride the metro.

7. We ended up in a Waffle House, after the concert, which is exactly where we ended up, last time I went to this festival, but under different circumstances (a car accident).

8. Great car conversations.

9. I made at least two friends in the process. One of them lives in Charleston and is actually pretty cute.

10. WOOHOO.

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gayhands
Monday. 9.16.13 5:04 pm
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concerning a magnificent co-pilot
Saturday. 9.14.13 11:19 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

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