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lying dormant
Monday. 9.17.07 4:14 pm
So I've realized that I'm not in recovery from my cold; that its only lying dormant in my body. I can feel the cold there, but its not showing its ugly face yet. Its like a volcano that lays dormant, but it continues to smoke for weeks, months or even years before it finally errupts. I'm hoping that this cold either finally errupts or simply blows over. The way my luck has been going, I won't be lucky enough to have it simply blow over.

I've also reached the point of no return. I have tonight, tomorrow and Wednesday to be able to drive with enough confidence in myself that I'll pass the test; maybe not with flying colors, but enough to not have to repeat it. Tonight I'll be taking mom's car and Tony's car {if he's up to it} and heading up to an empty parking lot to practice my parallel parking. Something I doubt I'll ever have to use. But since I need to know it for my test, I need to know it well enough to pass.

Even though I've not driven since the accident, I still have a feeling that I'll pass the test without much issue. I apparently have a bunch of subconscious confidence in myself that is refusing to show itself while I'm still awake. Hopefully I'll be able to consciously be aware of the subconscious confidence the day of my test.

Anywho, the entry that I was planning on writing under blackfire or bug isn't going to happen. At least not right away. The internet was giving me problems again last night and by the time it decided to start working again, I had lost my train of thought. I can tell you that its about Stuart, but I'm not sure exactly what about him anymore. Maybe in the next few days I'll remember how I wanted to word it, but until then, you {and me} are going to have to wait.

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recovering + random ramblings
Sunday. 9.16.07 10:18 pm
I'm in recovery from my cold. The only reason its not lasted longer is because I've not been doing anything except sitting on my ass. About the most strenuous thing I've done in the last two days is the dishes. Whoo, and we all know that's definately the way to keep yourself sick. Ha.

Its sad really. I have so much to do that the most exciting part of my day is by doing the thing I hate most. I get over a cold in a matter of only a few days as opposed to the week or two that it normally takes. I would much rather have a job and be sick for 2 weeks than have all the time in the world to sit and recover and take care of myself.

In other news, the blister on the inside of my cheek still hurts. Last night it was bugging me so much that I couldn't smile. Hard thing to do when watching SNL. Its a little better today, but not by much.

My sister brought home a fundraiser for one of her choir trips. I'm going to be buying chocolate peanut butter bears and coconut filled chocolates. Mom said that I can pay her back when I get the money. I have every intention on doing so.

I'm thinking about buying a mini refridgerator ... I think I've already mentioned something about this in a previous entry. I hate not being able to refridgerate my chocolate; it gets all soft and melty when it isn't. Blah.

I'm watching the Emmy Awards right now. Its sort of funny when they stage something that's supposed to be completely random. Kanye purposely sang his song wrong so that Rainn would win. It was a little humorous. I also liked that Stewie and Brian opened the show. Other than that, the awards are not holding much of my interest.

I've lost a few pounds ... I'm not quite sure how. I can only hope that it stays that way with me losing weight. Also the blisters on my Achilles tendons are healed so I'm able to wear shoes again. Possibly tomorrow or Tuesday I'll be walking to the apartments to go swimming.

Hmm, what else can I randomly put in here. . . I can't think of anything else. Well, I can, but its not for this entry. I'll be putting it either under bug or blackfire ... not sure which yet. You'll find out as soon as I post it.

Till tomorrow. . .

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its official
Saturday. 9.15.07 2:54 pm
I'm sick. Though not as bad as my mom is. My sister and Jean are recovering from the cold and Steve is lucky enough to have dodged it, though for how long I'm not sure. Lucky bastard.

Anywho, yesterday another piece of a tooth came off and now the edge is all sharp and its scratching up the inside of my cheek. It feels like I bit my cheek and that I keep biting it. Its on the side of my mouth that I can't use to chew food {yet I can still chew gum ... you figure it out} so it doesn't affect my eating at all. Except that the up and down movement my jaw makes while eating ensures that the sharp edge continues to scrape at my cheek.

This isn't the first time its happened so I know that within a week the blister will heal and the sharp edge will no longer affect my cheek, but its that first week that it feels really weird and it hurts at times. I already know that I need to see a dentist and that he'll {or she'll} tell me that I need surgery. Well, I'm not ready for surgery yet so the dentist will wait. Besides, I don't have the money ... for anything right now, so its going to have to wait whether I wanted it to or not. Also, when I do have the money, I'll be seeing a regular doctor and a gynocologist first. Those two things are a little more important to me than seeing a dentist.

I'm through the first two parts of the Vampire Lestat. I have 5 more parts to go plus an epologue and an extra 3 chapter part that, I guess, didn't fit into the rest of the book. So basically I've got about 400 more pages to read. Normally, if I was into the book, I'd be able to finish a 400 page book within 3 nights. But I'm not into this one like I usually am, so it'll take longer.

I have a feeling that I'm going to have to reschedule my road test seeing as how my mom is sick and she's not wanting to go anywhere. I don't blame her for wanting to rest, but this is something that's important. I have today, tomorrow, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday to practice in Charlotte's car. In actuality, I don't have today or tomorrow or Monday because she's working today and tomorrow and after she gets off work tomorrow she'll be driving to California and won't be back till very late Monday. So technically, I only have two days to get the hang of her vehicle before I'm tested. So much for staying calm about it.

Alright, I dunno what else to say so I will write again whenever.

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inhalation of the bug
Friday. 9.14.07 4:42 pm
I do believe I am getting sick. My sister's boyfriend got sick quite a while ago and eventually my sister got the bug. Then Jean caught the bug and now my mom is sick too. My throat is a little scratchy towards the back and I'm sneezing, but other than that, nothing too serious.

The sneezing thing isn't too bad cuz I've been sneezing since I moved back. And I can still breathe through my nose without much issue. Only when I bend over and stay there for any length of time does my nose start to run or get blocked up. But when I stand up, my nose clears.

But I have a feeling that I caught the bug. This will be the second time this year that I've gotten sick ... that I can remember {the last time was in January just after I got back from vacation} Another great downfall in living with people. Whatever bug they have gets spread around in the air everyone breathes. Usually I'm not suseptable to these things, but with me not going out and working, my immune system is starting to weaken.

Ugh. Nothing seems to be going right. I haven't met any of the goals set for myself and whenever I try it, something goes wrong te prevent me from reaching my goal. I came out here with the intention of finding a job by the beginning of august. Its been two months since I moved here and not even so much as a phone call.

Another goal was to have my license by the end of August or the beginning of September. My road test is next week {about a month off from my goal}, but due to the car accident the day after getting my Nevada permit, I've been afraid of driving.

I already know that I won't be going to Tucson for my b-day, as I had hoped and started to plan. I won't even be celebrating out here with the friends I've made while working, because I'm not working and I have no friends out here. Yet another plan shot. And if you remember, I had been quite excited about turning 21. Not anymore.

I really hope that once I get my license, I'll be able to take the car and widen my job search area. I'll be able to apply anywhere once I turn 21 because I'll be of age to work anywhere. Right now, I can't even think of applying at a convenience store or a casino because you need to be 21 to get the required work cards to work in those places.

Bah. Alright, I'm done complaining for now. I'll write again later. Hopefully next time I'll have something good and happy to talk about rather than my own despair.

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exit relaxation, enter nerves
Thursday. 9.13.07 7:57 pm
So my road test is in a week. I've driven once since I got my Nevada permit. The day afterwards is the day we got into the car accident. And since that day, I've been nervous about driving. I keep picturing myself getting into an accident and not knowing what to do.

I need to drive Charlotte's car at least a couple times so that I won't be going into my road test completely blind. I need to at least know where all the major things are, the things that the driving instructor looks at to make sure the car is efficient for driving.

I'm one of those people who can hide the nerves on the outside, but can be screaming and shaking on the inside. Its only in crazy, intense situations where I have trouble hiding that I'm nervous. Even though I can maintain a calm, collected exterior, about the only thing that gives it away physically is that my muscles tense up and I might shake. But you'll only notice it if you're really looking.

Along with all the thoughts of car crashes, I keep dreaming that I'll do so good on my test that I won't realize I passed until I did. In my dreams, driving comes incredibly easy for me. I shouldn't have too much of a problem with a majority of the stuff {granted I have no issues driving in Charlotte's car} until I get to the parallel parking. In Florida, we didn't have to learn if we didn't want to and I didn't want to. Out here, though, parallel parking is used more often. Ugh.

I really hope that I pass on the first shot because I don't want to have to deal with that pressure again. I would imagine that it would be similar to the disappointment that comes with failing a class and having to retake it. You already have the knowledge that you failed once before, what's going to be so different this time? You're going to be afraid that you won't pass it a second time. And the pressure and disappointment will just build. I don't know if I'd be able to handle that.

Bah. Alright, I'm done for tonight.

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not gonna lie
Wednesday. 9.12.07 12:37 am
So, I know that I haven't mentioned Stuart at all here in a while, but I have to tonight. I still talk to him, but only maybe every few days, if even that. I'm perfectly fine with it though. I've managed to get over him enough that it doesn't hurt when I talk to him and all I do is just not think about the things that would make it hurt.

But I'm not going to get into that cuz that's not the point of this entry.

Over the past, maybe, 3 weeks he's been dropping not-so-subtle hints that he misses me. But tonight, he flat out said it: "I wish you were here."

Only problem is, I'm pretty sure its the fooling around that he misses rather than just simply being able to see me and enjoy my company. I'm alright with that though. It means that I must have done something right in that department especially if he's got all his girl friends there who want him and he would still rather have me. It makes be quite happy; not gonna lie.

Anywho, my sister is sick ... again. It doesn't seem to be as bad as the last few times she's gotten sick, but its just the first day. I hope it doesn't get worse. The last few times, she's had to miss a week of school each time due to illness. I hate seeing her sick because there's nothing I can do to help make it better faster.

Its going to take me quite a while to read through The Vampire Lestat because I'm not reading every night. Its not holding my interest like every other book I've read so far since I've been back has so the incentive to want to read it isn't there every night. Oh well. I'll finish it ... eventually.

Alrighty, I don't know what else to say. I shall write again whenever.

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