I actually never thought of going to Japan. I have always been avoiding this country for 2 mainly reasons:

1. Because of my ex- when I was still with my ex... every savings went to buying tickets to spend time with him... thank god... now I can use the money anyhow I like!

2. Because of radiation from Fukushima.

However, I cannot deny myself from the yearning of wanting to go to Japan so badly.

I have been experiencing a series of burnout since 2014. And I keep asking myself if I wanna travel, where do I wanna go. Japan always popped up in my mind but due to the above two reasons, I kept demotivating myself that I can't because it's expensive country and I chose my ex! That's at that time la...

But in 2015... my burnout worsened: my energy was so spent that all I could think of is to go on a holiday. It was so bad that all I wanted was to drop everything and just fly there the next day.

At that time, it was not because I don't want to do so but the major deterrence was my credit card debt. It was so high that it was frightening and if I were to buy the air ticket, I won't be able to reduce the debt at all. Even if I go, I won't even have cash to buy food or window shopping.. then what's the point of suffering in Japan? Everything is so beautiful but will be limited by the size of my pocket? That sucks.

Despite all these limitations, I almost proceeded to booking in October to fly in January until many of my friends in Japan were slamming on my idea. Their argument was why in January when it's still winter? It's freaking cold and all you wanna do is to stay in bed. After considering this statement I thought for a long time. I have arthritis and what's the point of going in winter?! OMG! So when the hell am I going for a damn holiday?!

So in the end with all these limitations... I prayed to God that I want to have a chance to go to Japan for free. Food, lodging and even air ticket will be paid for.

I even dare to dream that I want to attend my favourite Jpop singer concert back in last August if I had the chance. Here is one of her songs... It's Beni Arashiro.. She is so damn pretty!! And her voice is angelic!



Being absorbed into when and where I wanna go in Japan, I often viewed the map and for some reason I told myself "If I happen to be in Japan, I will go to Hiroshima to pay homage." I got no idea why I said that.

That prayer was in December 2015...

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I think last week I dreamed of my ex.

It was kinda a weird dream. In the dream, I was at a beach somewhere in the Philippines. I think I was in Cebu but it was clearly not because the area was too open. Not many trees but just a straight road next to the beach. I was in a bus. Suddenly, my ex jumped in as the driver and asked for direction to the beach even though we were just next to it. I was kinda surprised with his question because I am not a local yet I know. So I directed him to just go straight.

And he replied in my Malaysian slang

"No la, go straight means go to heaven."

I remember resting my face on a pillow on the dashboard not looking at him. And I was smiling. I was smiling because he spoke in my slang and I was actually indirectly laughing at his joke. Yea.. I remember him saying I am the only girl that laughs at his lame joke.

When we reached the beach I got down. I realised I love walking at the beach... I love seeing those street food hawkers and I totally forgotten about him..

Perhaps, I am mean to go to the beach to rest.

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A few nights ago, I had a dream on my good friend from college. I felt that we were at some kind of a port. I was there to take attendance but I happened to be like an observer. I felt that a few friends have boarded or greeted me already and I was waiting for others.

As I looked around, I saw my very good friend entered the ship. She was wearing a red trench coat and funny matching colours of stocking: one red one black. I can't seem to remember her hair style. One minute I saw she tied and the other didn't. Whatever it is, I saw her walking past to me. And in my heart I was asking myself if I was so hard to be noticed for I was standing obviously at the peer. At the same time I also could feel that it's alright if she didn't look at me. I let her go from my heart.

I woke up the following day ruminating over this dream. I think it's because coincidentally we both were in Japan. She was in either Osaka or Tokyo while myself in Osaka. I commented on her pictures on FB and she didn't comment. I am ok with that but I already knew she won't be communicating with me any more. Forget those little lunches and tea we used to have when catching up with each other. For now, she just replies me during Chinese New Year and Christmas. I found it so heartbreaking. But then.. people come people go in life right?

Another more upsetting was yesterday. My coursemate came back to university for her graduation. She didn't inform me and I saw her during graduation because I was on duty in ushering. She didn't even smile or greeted me, but just walking past. She was the nicest coursemate among all. What happened? I was kinda hurt inside. But you know what? Truth to be told... it's ok... people come people go in life. I will meet others who will continue to contribute to my life.

To those friends who no longer keep in touch with me or vice versa, thank you for being in my life. I have learnt what I need from you and I wish you all the best with our own path.

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Well, I know the blog got kinda neglected by me. But watch out for this space as I am gonna update it real soon.

Here's a teaser what I did in Japan recently.




Are not we cute?

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I am going to Japan again for a youth event!

Yes!

Accommodation in Japan list

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At the beginning of February, I was actually surprised that my colleague whom I was close with resigned. I didn't see that coming and I thought happily that my days in office will still be happy despite the new shitty job scope I'm having now. She is a nice and kind person to be with and she can mix with anyone. She is not judgmental too. And now she is gone. She resigned so she could serve God in India. Everybody in office was quite surprised with her objective. My bosses joked that she could pray for us too.

I looked at her empty cubicle in front of mine. I know I am gonna miss her presence. But there were no tears flowing from my eyes. So I hummed a tune that night as a farewell for her.

I don't envy her leaving. But I really wonder when is my turn to leave too.

I will leave too.

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