Whenever I talk to my mom about some of the rather emotionally abusive stuff that happened in one of my past relationships, she has little to no reaction except "well at least you're out of it now." It's strange, I guess, compared to the typical reaction I get from other people, which is usually shock and/or indignation, or at least sympathy. If I'm not misremembering, my mom's initial reaction was mostly just... "well why didn't you say anything about this to us while it was happening?"

Since this stuff doesn't affect me as much as it used to, sometimes I forget that in my earliest therapy sessions, a lot of what we worked on was the ways in which my mom's influence was affecting me negatively. I talk to her a lot about stuff, but her response is usually to tell me that I'm responsible for what's happening or to criticize me for not handling things in a different way. It's an odd contrast to how supportive and sympathetic she acts toward her friends. I guess I don't expect her to take my side on anything, though, so I don't really feel particularly resentful... it just seems like this is the dynamic we have.

"Dawn Again (Alphaluna Remix)" by Endanger.

You never felt fire in you heart
That burns so strong it can't be stored
And you never felt glad
About the things that you had
You always reached higher for the stars
You did not notice what you lost

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Saturday gave me a lot to think about-- not in terms of quantity, but just... the weight of what was said. I feel like I'm thinking about things I haven't really examined or dared to touch in the past. He said some things I have known but haven't spoken aloud out of a half-conscious fear that it would make them too real.

It caught me off guard in a way that still has me reeling a couple days later.

When I read Postsecret, I always wonder what secret I could send in that I haven't told anybody. I've frequently concluded that I don't really have anything I've never told anybody anymore... but then there was this, and he spoke my secret before I realized it was a secret. I wanted to say "no, you're wrong," but it was like he found a spider silk filament of fear leading to the core of my heart, and its existence is evidence of its truth.

We exist in constant conflict between wanting and not wanting to be seen. Wanting to connect and wanting to protect ourselves. I have felt invisible for so much of my life, and have wanted so badly to be seen-- not by everyone, but by someone. Some one person. It feels like more than I can bear to be more exposed than that. This experience has been terrifying in a way. Like a small taste of what you've always thought you wanted, and finding that it exceeds what you'd imagined, what you could imagine.

I feel the need to keep going with this, even though I am afraid. I think I might have started dissociating a little. When I was talking to Sean tonight, I felt like I was a clone who had just come into existence. All the same memories, an identical body, the same habits and thoughts-- but not the person who truly experienced the past. Not the person who was there for anything. Just someone who looks and feels the same. Born in this moment but expected to carry on the life of this person as if we were one.

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I hope I'm not a nervous spaz today. It's been such a long time since I felt this kind of anxiety. Gonna blow my cool confident cat cover if I'm not careful.

Eep.

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"Love Me" by Charly Bliss.

I wish I could drop you in one place
Cut you down to size and watch you try to run away
'Cause your inconsistency is enough to drive a person insane
Some things we don't say

I've got a sharp pain or a dull ache
Or materials and hands to shake
I like you like I like your things
And the boxes that I put them in

And you love me, yeah you love me
Just a little less
Up above me, say you love me
Just a little less
I know what happens next

---

I've been up for roughly 19 hours, running on maybe 4 hours of sleep, though probably slightly less than that. Feeling pretty tired now.

In one of my classes, we have to write a paper about a group we would like to facilitate, and I guess we can make up whatever kind of group we want. I wonder what it would be like to have a group for depersonalized people to try to get more in touch with their experience? I started thinking about that because I still have some sadness over not feeling like my emotional language is shared by others. Typical emotional descriptors like "sad" and "happy" never feel completely right to me, though I use them to facilitate communication. I guess I thought this would change after I stopped being depersonalized so much, but it seems to have stuck. Now I'm just kind of lonely in my language.

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J. messaged me on Facebook unexpectedly tonight. I was writing a paper, but we talked for awhile. He apologized for how he acted towards me around our breakup, and seemed a little more self-aware than he was before. Although... there were times he seemed to have brief spurts of clarity, and then he'd just fade back into the same old denial back when we were dating. I'm not sure if I can trust that he'll maintain self-awareness now.

I appreciated his apology. I never expected him to make it, but better late than never. It's been over a year since the last time we had a real conversation. I'm over what happened between us, but it was kind of gratifying to get a legitimate apology. He seems like he still has a lot to work on, though.

There are other people I wish I could get real apologies from, but at this point, I don't think I ever will. It's not something I'm preoccupied with, but I think there is a tiny part of me that just wants to know that they took the time to reflect and really understand how and why they hurt me, and acknowledge that.

---

Meeting up with someone on Saturday and I am equal parts excited and terrified. He seems potentially cute and interesting and I'm trying not to psych myself up too much about this but aaahhh it's hard.

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This was a song that played on the radio last night in his car. I'm feeling very taken with it at the moment. It's sublime with the subwoofer Kyle gave me.

"Britannica" by Bows.

Sleepless nights by candlelight
I'm sick of sneaking round
A kiss is a kiss but this is fake
I spend all my time trying to stay awake

But if I'm dreaming
Why do you look so alive?
The truth is you won't change for my sake
I guess at least we tried

Moonlight drives, our lives are boring
Fed up sneaking round
This true-love affair is fading fast
Feels like the sun's coming out at last

And if I'm dreaming
Why did it seem so contrived?
Up there with you just feels like falling
Well, at least we tried

---

Even with my weighted gloves, Turbo Kick is starting to feel very easy again. I tried jumping around more to up the intensity, but I'm not sure how much it helped. I am wondering if I should start doing two classes on Mondays... I did get myself out to the gym on Saturday despite not having a scheduled class, at least.

After I got back from the gym I took a nap... was way longer than I expected, and I had a lengthy dream during it. There was a small part towards the end of the dream where someone from my past called me on the phone, and I wasn't sure what to say to them, but I had something important to do so I couldn't chat anyway. I woke up feeling weird about it, and didn't realize at first that it hadn't really happened. In the dream I had some sympathy for them but it just felt awkward and it wasn't clear to me why they were calling me after so long. No resolution, but I guess that's how real life is as well...

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I was out a long time today, although I guess it was actually shorter than a typical Thursday, haha. Just felt like a lot more because I didn't have downtime.

In the morning I had ECS, and I invited that guy I had one date with. He seemed pretty into it, and we stayed through the potluck and the workshop after the main lecture. I didn't really talk to him during any of that, but he talked to various other people there at least.

After the ECS stuff, we went to a park near my house and walked along the creek for awhile. There's not actually a consistent bank or a path or anything, so it involved a lot of strategizing to keep going, but it was fun. Cold though, yeesh. Moving along kept me from getting too chilly, at least, and we never fell into the water.

Walked and got doughnuts after the creek, then walked back to his car and drove to a nearby bowling alley, but it was too loud in there so we walked to a movie theatre instead. On the way there, we got to the crosswalk as the display was counting down from 8, and it's a pretty long crosswalk... So I yelled "WE CAN MAKE IT" and sprinted across. He ran after me and looked like he enjoyed that. There were no good movies... so we just ended up getting dinner, haha. He looked so serious throughout dinner, and I mentioned it a few times jokingly. I think he could stand to laugh more. We talked a fair amount about our views on depression and its place in our lives. We're in very different places with our perspectives and handles on our depression... the major difference being that I haven't been significantly depressed in awhile.

He felt like getting a smoothie after dinner, so we went somewhere he could get one, then wandered around a nearby Target until it closed. That mostly involved me walking around and picking up random items and commenting on them, although he picked up a dumbbell to see how much he could lift. I was surprised by how much heavier 25 lbs felt than 20 lbs. We spent a good chunk of time in the deodorant/body spray aisle because I decided to see how a lot of the men's body sprays smelled. None of them were as good as Tag First Move, but I didn't expect anything to top that anyway. That scent is too good for this world of sinners.

After Target closed, we walked back to his car and sat there listening to the radio. I described the visual impressions I got from the songs that played, mostly, but we talked more about depression as well. Also talked about some silly stuff like what you could wish for if you had a genie. He was saying you could wish to have a bunch more magic lamps, but I said that didn't fit with the spirit of the law of "you can't wish for more wishes." Then he suggested wishing for a map to find other magic lamps, and I said that might be okay, since it doesn't guarantee you'll get other wishes. If it was an evil genie though, it might give you a map that you'd find unreadable or something. (This discussion started because I told him that all my wishes are heavily qualified just in case an evil genie tries to grant them)

I had a decent time hanging out with him, but I'm not really feeling a romantic spark here, so I think it's just gonna be friendship at most. He's got some things going on that I don't really want in my dating life. The search continues, I suppose...

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"Don't Worry, You Will" by lovelytheband.

I can make you happy for a while
Smile for a little
Pretending like my heart ain't broke
You think I'm charming for a minute
Funny for a second
Until I turn into a joke

Trying to stay positive
Not an easy way to live
Step inside of my brain
We can take it nice and slow
At the pace you wanna go
Laugh right through the pain

She said "I can't find a thing I don't like about you"
And I'm like "don't worry, you will"
"I don't wanna find a reason to doubt you"
And I'm like "don't worry, you will"
I'm a freak, I'm a fraud
I'm a child, I'm flawed
She said "I can't find a thing I don't like about you"
And I'm like "don't worry, you will"

Oh you'll say you really love me
Right up until you leave
There's nothing I can do to help
The conversation will get ugly
A dream into a chore
You'll say you need to find yourself

Trying to stay positive
Not an easy way to live
Laugh right through the pain

I really like this song.

Supposed to see that guy I had the nice first date with again tomorrow. Guess we'll see how that goes.

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