The sky is falling and no one knows
Saturday. 9.12.09 3:19 am
What is WRONG with me?!
I know I was looking for someone to talk to, but DEAR GOD! that was close! I can't believe I almost wrote and sent all that to my old high school teacher! I mean, what does she care?! She's barely even a friend! She's sure as hell not my confidant or even my therapist!
"I'm not up to much right now. Unfortunately, though, it still feels like a lot.
I don't remember when I bumped into you at Walmart, but I know it's been a while. It's been a really odd and complicated rollercoaster ride, one which has been on a downhill slope as of late. Don't worry! It's not all bad! However, being on that first big drop is the closest feeling that I have
to describing the feeling. It's like a sudden rush of intense fear and excitement all at once. I felt like for a good while there things just kept building and building, but as though I wasn't really headed anywhere, even when things were well. However, in February my mom passed away. It's been the oddest mix of feelings since then. I was obviously upset and grieving, but simultaneously a little relieved. My mom had just gone through too much finally. I know where she's at and that, above all, has given me peace through this. Here's where things get complicated, though. I feel as if"
And that's when I realized I had been rambling for sentences on end about my private thoughts and feelings. Things I hardly even share with my closest friends! And I was gonna continue?!?!
I have GOT to get a grip! Get a hold of myself...
I mean... I have a pastor's breakfast in approximately 5 and a half hours, and I'm not even getting ready to go to sleep...
Who am I kidding. I know exactly why I'm still up. I know what I'm looking for. And the more I stay up, the more and more I'm beginning to think I won't find it here.
I just wish I had what I had before...
But what if I'm chained here? And even more importantly, what if I've grown to love the chain? Each and every link that's hold me down to this place. Even the rusty, old, and painful ones?
Will leaving on my quest to find such elusive things be worth abonding and probably hurting those I leave behind?
And what if I fail?
What if I lose everything?
And how do I even go about leaving???
I know these sound like rhetorical questions, but if you've read this (which I doubt any really will) by all means, give me your perspective on it. I kinda need it right now.
My home is in heaven
Tuesday. 9.8.09 3:08 am
There is no amount of words, pictures, songs, thoughts, or memories to describe how much of a trully amazing woman she was here on earth and how much I desperately miss her.
Te extraño, madre mia, madre querida, madre adorada.
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