about that update...
Friday. 11.2.07 7:17 pm
My 4 day weekend [a week ago]
October 21st, Sunday- stayed home most of the day.. cleaned.. had a few friends pick be up to hang out. I ended up going to Halloween horror nights with them. My parents left late the night before to GA for a week. Had a blast with the old gang. Didn't get home till around 2:30ish.
22nd Monday - God it was a bitch getting up. nothing really special.
23rd Tuesday - After school we had to perform at a near by Red Lobster at 7:30. Before hand there was a HUGE dramatic stressful drama between friends.. Lord I'm not even going to get into it. It was CRAZY. After we sang for people at Red Lobster a buncha Chorus kids went across the street to Friendly's. We all got icecream and talked and just relaxed. We walked out but ended up staing in the parking lot untill 10pm just talking about random things. Fun times
24th Wednesday - After school Xander, Meggy and Dara picked me up right after school and we went to a naughty place XD. Olive Garden food - PI to walk around. Janette met us there. We didn't go to the moves.. just walked around and had fun. We left around 11ish and i crashed at Janettes.
25th Thursday - woke up and went to dunkin donuts for breakfast. Vlady came over at some point and we all got ready for the powder puff game. This is a football game where the girls play flag football, and the boys dress up as slutty cheerleaders in girls clothing and make-up to cheer on the team. Janette and I dressed in a revieling attire for the fun of it. The game was boring.. and I called an old friend of mine to hang out. We got some connections and had a few drinks. Got home around 1am-ish. Good times.
26th Friday - I had to work.... mother effer... After work i slipped into a costume and went to a party. there was quite a few drinks and i was tipsy within the first hour. I flirted with this guy like crazy... "possible rebound?" i imagined.. ha no, i'll leave this guy alone. Stayed up all night.. Drank and smoked god knows how much. Our by the dock this guy, steven and I were hanging out. Steven was trashed and hes a very angry drunk. it was rather entertaining watching him yell about killing people as this boy and I chain smoked with out feet hanging about the waters surface. At one point I went inside after flirting like hell with this kid and some random comedy was on with a guy and a puppet.. it looked retarded and i had no interest. After more shots and a couple loose cigarettes found loosly in cartons laying everywhere I crashed for about 2 hours wearing a pair of my sisters sweat pants and top of my costume on the bare floor. It was very cold and very hard to sleep.. but I managed.
27th Saturday - I called my mother to come get me from the little hell whole. I retained everything I drank and was still wasted but 8:30 in the morning. I felt terrible sick within an hour. Beyond a hangover.. just incredibly ill. The horrible smell and feeling left by the cigarettes only made everything worse. I vowed to never smoke again, i never wanted to feel like that or smell like that ever again. I also vowed to limit my drinking. I'd never been trashed before or chain smoked like that in my life and wasn't planning on doing it ever again. I learned my lesson. Especially since I had to work at 2 in the afternoon. I slept a little and showered which helped a little and went on with the day.
28th Sunday - Work again and SLEEP.. dear jesus sweet sleep
My long weekend was a blast and a disaster. I made many mistakes and learned several lessons I will take with me as I grow older.
Update coming soon
Sunday. 10.28.07 11:07 pm
This past 4 day weekend from school has been rather amazing. Will update and write on it soon =)
What is this world coming to?
Monday. 10.15.07 6:08 pm
Your not making me jealous.
Your not being yourself.
You cannot hide your aura and emotions.
This illusion you've surrounded yourself in.
This world you've created.
It does not throw me off course.
I can see your interior clearly.
Whats one thing most people want in this world?
You can't always control everything.
You twist the minds of the young.
You create false situations to cripple others.
All for your own happiness.
This mindset of power and control gives you strength.
You find joy in tearing people apart.
Breaking them down mentally and destroying their identity.
All for your own sick pleasure.
For the pure fact of having control.
You digust me.
You are broken.
In search of something that seems to taunt you.
You always ask why you.
Why this happens to you.
Yet the one that wants to help.
That has offered you what you seek.
You turn away from.
To save the one that hides in an illusion.
I somewhat understand.
However I wish not to.
Heal so we can live on.
The young and naive.
You are oh so cute.
However you play along.
He plays a game.
Controling your way of thinking.
You simply play long.
I cannot help you.
It's your fault your falling.
I was decieved by your smile.
Now I know what you do.
Yet your not fake.
You are in search of yourself.
You are simply young.
You can't decide what you want.
Little do you know your 'friends' plot your destruction.
Turn away and don't look back.
Don't lose her.
Don't let him take her away.
He's twisted the minds of the crippled.
They to are against you.
Blinded by rage they seek your destruction.
Feuled my rumors and lies.
They are fiends praying upon your identity.
Take her and run while you can.
They have torn into your soul already.
Flee while you can.
Always remember I'm here if you need help along the way.
What is this world coming to?
Why can't we respect each other?
Have a little repect for yourself.
Things come as they do growing old.
Growing up however, you need to figure out on your own.
Learn from your mistakes.
Do not create them.
Thursday. 10.4.07 10:05 pm
Well.. Leaving sounds pretty good right now.
Why must you be so protective and jealous over something you don't have. Why is it your say on what he thinks and wants. Why must you be so rude to me when hes around, yet be my best friend when it's just the two of us. One of the biggest things a hate in people is being two-faced. It's seems as though you are demonstrating quite well what pushes me away from people. I understand you don't want us together. I truely to get it. Just please.. let us be friends. I just want to leave because of your negative energy when the three of us are together. The looks you give me.. the vibes.. your aura.. they say it all. I know you don't want me around... I know you want me to leave.
Now I'm left to ponder. Should I leave? It will benefit you because it's obviously what you want. Would he care at all? could I mentally sustain the little sanity I have left? Or would I turn to material things that will physically harm me and lead to more mental damage. My thoughts are leading me to my own insanity trying to figure out what dicision I should make from these options layed before me.
Prayer seems to be the only thing keeping me from snapping. From losing what little reality I have left and falling into a realm of constant dreaming and fantasy. This little sense of reality I'm grasping for dear life keeps me holding on to what I hold dear. Yet, what I hold onto condradicts the very reason I'm holding on. To keep my sanity, my reality, I must leave. However, leaving would only lead to insanity. But, staying will put me on over drive and I will break down... causing my own insanity. Both paths lead to confusion and pain. Nothing will be solved. There are too many simple complicating that fill my mind, placing me in a mind set of constant wonder.
So I continue to pray and hold on to my insanity to keep me saine. God.. I really have no clue where I'm suppose to go with this. My faith seems to grow stronger, than fall apart within minutes. Give me the stength to care on. Give me back my will to live.
Maybe if I...
Wednesday. 10.3.07 4:43 pm
So.. where do I begin.. Should I stay or go at this point. Its getting quite rediculous at this point. So where do I turn? I'm not sure if I'm aloud to at this point. Maybe if I just left... I know it's what she wants. But would that solve anything? I think not.. Yet, atleast she'd be happy. It seems like thats all that matters right now.
I don't know what to do with Jerkface. Hes says he lkes me. he has "feelings" for me. Yet he doesn't like to date? DOT DOT DOT so... Have someone I like that likes me too and leave it at that? Because were not together that means he can fuck around with any girl.. and its not cheating because were not together. Yet he says he would never do that.. SO... I have someone that likes me and wants to be with me but doesn't believe in dating. He would treat me like his girlfriend.. be loyal and trustworthy.. yet wouldn't call be his girlfriend. I don't exactly want someone to call a "fuck buddy" and it wouldn't be like that anyway. So.. have a relationship... yet not have it. Or the other one.. That one could go somewhere.. but dear god it would be a wreck. I can't imagine how that would turn out . ha ha... so.. no. NOT going there!
Hm.. but now that i think about it.. I know where jerkface is coming from. I want someone to hold.. someone to love me.. but not feel tied down. That doesn't necessarily mean stay out of relationships.. but It would be nice for a little while.
So maybe things would be better if I just left.. but whatever..
Friday. 9.28.07 4:20 pm
Well now.. This is getting interesting. But through it all I just need my friends. I'll find who my true friends are.
So now.. Tomorrow? What shall I do tomrrow? Date? Party? Or just chill with friends. This all breaks down into Intimacy, Alcohol, are Girls night out. I'm not quite sure what i'll do. Maybe I can sqeeze two of those into my day.
The point of this entry? I'm really not sure. I'm just stressed and angry and need to have a random free write about happy things.
Well that was pointless.
Song of the moment!!!
No no Baby it's not you.. it's us
Friday. 9.14.07 8:08 pm
I could sit at this computer all day and write about how I feel. Pour my heart out and cry and sing.. whatever the hell I wanted to express myself. But, in the long run what's it going to accomplish? The past few days I've been sulking in my own sadness and stupidity. Why? For somthing that I'd give anything to have. But why? Why do I want this so bad? Will it mean anything tomorrow, a week from now, a year from now? I won't let this go. I don't want to stop. I want to keep fighting. But why? This is so childish. This stupid game of cat and mouse. I'm NOT happy where I am now, and I haven't been for a while now. Yet I pursue on with these situations.. this life. "So change. It's that simple" But really, is it that simple? Ever action has a REaction. I can't exactly ask the future what will happen if I choose to do this or that. If only life were that simple. All I can really do is pray that everything turns out ok. I have all these simple complications before me. However. solving the complication makes the simplicity unbareable. But living with this complication creates so much more unnecessary drama. Creates even more simple comlications to fill my mind. So in this mind set of constant wonder, I'll lose myself and the process starts all over again. This cycle starts over. So when does it end? Will it end when I learn something new, or with my last breath? I've been asking myself this question for a long time now. And it seems like even time i choose death and come back just barely and start new again. Start this cycle over again. It lies hidden in my mind like a virus. It can lay there without any notice for the longest time. Without and symptoms or warnings. Suddenly, the simplest thing can spark it and then what? You can't kill a virus. It lingers and will for all of time. Unless... you can fight it off. Can I fight this virus off? Will I be strong enough? Every other time I haven't been and tried to give in.
See, here I go again. Rambling on about nothing. And it doesn't mean a damn thing. None of this will mean anything in the long run. These emotions.. this love. It doesn't mean anything to the other person. Well, it does.. according to them. And, I know it does because of there anger towards it. The same anger I had in the beginning, when these emotions were first sparked. Now they've become overwhelming and I've found myself sitting here alone talking about how I feel.
I still have them, my true friends. However, with the dicision I have to make.. both roads lead to exile with one or the other. And if I lose one, the other will slowly whither away. Over something that won't mean a damn thing in the long run. Ah! but this dicision is precisley what will affect me in the long run. So it does mean something? I am really starting to hate the mind of a teenager. It all makes since to me. It really is common sense to me. But I still elaborate. And this very process drives me to my own insanity. My own stupidity.
I could very easily get angry and say "That's it! It ends now!" Now is it really the end? I could state that with all the confidence in the world and still know my mind could wander tomorrow.. and I'll start all over again. So I leave now..
This is not the beginning..
This is not the end..
This is just another simple comlication that I must learn the hard way.
I Wish You Knew
Monday. 9.8.07 7:30 pm
His voice cracks...
I close my eyes and turn away.
I turn towards the window and feel a wave a heat across my face coming from the back seat.
The heat of Lovers anger growing stronger.
"Please don't be upset."
"Everything will be ok."
I whisper to myself over and over and shut my eyes tighter with every line.
Lover fights then becomes silent.
"Please say something."
"Fight with me, yell, scream.. anything."
Sounds of our surroundings pour into the car replacing the silence.
The heat cools into a chill and I turn from the window.
I turn and see his eyes fill with tears.
I turn to her.
Her eyes begin to water.. yet never leave the road.
I feel his pain.
I feel the contentness in Lovers being.
Lover is not moved.
I feel the tension from her.
I turn back to the window and begin to feel Lovers migrane coming on.
"Please don't cry"
"Everything will be ok."
"I love you."
"I love you so much."
I continue to whisper trying to cry out to him
The pain and tenson is too much to bear.
My eyes give in and tears begin to form.
A sudden light whisper echos through the tiny car.
I begin to pray.
He falls at Lovers knees.
Over and over he pleas.
"I love you"
My mouth forms the words but I fail to find the strength to vocalize.
"Please calm down."
I form these words in silence in some hope he could hear me.
I wish you could see that I love you.
I wish you didn't feel the pain.
I wish there was some way to make everything right.
I wish you could love me too
I wish I ment something more to you
I wish you could see that I Love You.
I would fight for you if you would only let me..
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