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November 2017

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Now isn't the time to break
Friday. 9.19.08 2:45 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Under the weather
Thursday. 9.11.08 1:51 pm
Sometimes you hear a song and that song is simply about what's going on in your life. When this happens I feel not alone and somewhat understood even if i'll never speak to the person singing. That song was Under the Weather by KT Tunstall yesterday afternoon. It hit somewhere inside of me that i didn't even know was feeling any of that.

Well, it's 1 o'clock and i've been in my room since 11:30. I got sent home from work early since I went in early for a field trip. It wasn't difficult all I did was prep some kids packs for the little ones. Then they just came up - got their box and picked out a drink. It's great that so many kids when left to their own devices pick Apple Juice. Perhaps the next generation won't be as unhealthy as mine has been. Perhaps.

This week has been really laid back. It's given me time to think, process, determine and understand. Elessar257 and I had been fighting. It gets so stressful sometimes that I want to strangle him just to make it stop. We've worked through it though, i think, and things seem to be getting somewhat better. Of course....I may have just damned both of us with that one sentence.

I talked to my mom. She is insistent on giving up my Guinea Pigs. Part of me wonders if she's right, but then I come into my room greated by tiny little 'whoops' coming from their burgandy cage and I just can't do it. Even if they do end up poisioning me....they may be worth it. Speaking of animals....my cat got fleas. :( I was heartbroken and he was in pain. Elessar helped me bathe him and de-flea my room. Jaden seems to be good now and a bit more cuddly towards me. I think he feels pent up in my room - I don't blame him - but there's nowhere else to go.

Work has been good. My bosses like me, the pay is good, my co-workers are actually quite awesome and the work so far has been very laid back. However, yesterday they told me that since it's been so slow their going to start cutting hours. By that, they mean that they'll be splitting an 8 hour day that 2 people used to work into two 4 hour shifts that 1 person will work. I don't know yet how badly this will mess up my hours. In the end I think i'm going to end up needing a second job. It might not be so bad - i'll just have to pick out my second job very carefully, hopefully an assitant or maybe even secretary would work. We'll see what the future brings us on this.

I guess things have been going well. I'm very hesitant to admit it since it seems that whenever i say that somehow the spit hits the fan. But....from a detached perspective things aren't nearly as horrible as they were. Which, is a good. There are a few things right now that i'm either unsure about, hurting about, saddened by, or determined to make happen but that comes with the life package. Keeping my head up even while i'm drowning is starting to feel somewhat like second nature. I don't know if this is a good but it's helping me survive.

On a daily basis my thoughts are everywhere. Even with all this spare time I haven't had enough break throughs to figure out what the hell it is I want. My daily prayers for strength seem to be helping just enough for me not to lose it. That's something, if anything. I guess not everything can be great at the same time - if it was what would we have to complain or think about? You can't grow if everything is ok and you won't move if you're comfortable where you are. I'm just spouting off now.....

I am looking foward to the end of this month very much. I hope things go well and I hope that we have fun. I ask for those two things for my best friend - he needs it.

I don't think I have much else to say. I'm sure i do but honestly I think i'd have to write a bit more over the course of a few days to get extra thoughts formulated. It takes me awhile. This is good enough for now.

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YOUTUBE
Thursday. 9.11.08 12:35 am
Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?


Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with an A, D, or M?
sorry it's in french.
Fred says: Do you think they bought it?
Angel says: I bought it.


Were you happy when you woke up today?


Honestly, do you like anybody?


What are you listening to right now?


What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?


What did you do last night?


Who is the last person you talked to on the phone?


If your being extremely quiet what's it mean?


Do you regret anything from your past?


Last beverage?


Last nap?


Favorite month?


Favorite number?
minus the 8-11



What are you doing Saturday?


Do you hate when people smoke around you?


Who was the last guy you talked to:


Who was the last person besides family you talked to in person?


Do you have any plans for tomorrow?


What color shirt are you wearing?


Do you get along with girls?


Who all is in your house right now?


How do you feel about your hair right now?


What color are your eyes?


What's your favorite kind of soda?


Have you ever felt replaced?


Can you keep a secret?


Do you have trust issues?


What was the last movie you watched?

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The short list I suppose
Wednesday. 9.3.08 11:14 pm
Elessar said this might be good for me.

We shall see.




The List of Secrets - short:

1) One of the main reasons that I never dress up or go that extra mile to look good everyday is because I worry that if I did that and no one complimented me I'd be crushed. If I were to put my best foot foward every day and nothing ever happened I don't know if my already tiny self esteem could handle that.

2) When my best friend was living with me this past summer in my old apartment we were really close. One of my favorite parts of the day was laying in bed while he was in the shower - listening to his music and to him singing. It's weird but I sometimes felt more close to him at that time than usual. I'd lay there and sing along looking at the patterns on my ceiling just thinking about things. It's still one of my favorite things about him and of my day. I think it's one of the things I'll miss most as well.

3) Last summer I had a crush on a girl in my Philosphy of Religion class. I am not generally attracted to women. I've had a few bad experiences from the other side of this and it has left a very poor impression on me. However, though this girl sat at the back of the class and never really said anything I would find myself turning back to look at her or waiting for her to walk into class. It was a little weird, but at the time i hadn't had a crush-like feelings in SO LONG that it was almost welcome. Had she talked to me I don't know what I would have done.

4) When I'm alone, I talk to my cat. I tell him all about my day and my thoughts about things. That in and of itself - not that weird. But, when I do do it, I talk to him in an accent. Usually a BAD impression of an accent - but still.




That's all for now - and it's stuff just off the top of my head.

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