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April 2021

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words words words he's so sick of words
Sunday. 9.21.08 1:08 am
is that all you blighters can do?
The song seemed to fit with a little tweaking.

We argued like we haven't argued in awhile. I guess it started last night though we got over that fairly quickly. Us arguing is not the point however. What he said holds weight and what I think holds weight as well. It's all in fact very weighty. But, that doesn't make it any less important and meaningful. I suppose it is something that has been trying to be assimilated into my personality for awhile now. I keep resisting and I don't know why. Before I begin to ramble....let me fill you in.

Self Worth. Self Acceptence. Insecurities.
I have issues with these things. Why you may ask? Childhood experiences, adult experiences, my own sometimes twisted perception on life and my role in it. Have these things affected me? Yes. Sometimes in subtle ways other times....in very serious ways. He just doesn't want any permanent damage done to me. I understand that. In the end, I suppose i'm either scared or may have possibly just given up hope.

I watched Penelope with Christina Ricci and James McAvoy the other day. The message was there. "I like myself the way I am". Besides it being a visually beautiful movie and (while a little chessy) a fun feel good movie, it had a message that hit home. Can I be happy by myself? Probably. Perhaps it's simply my indisiviceness (sp?) that is holding me back. My shyness. My wall flower personality. Once you get to know me i'm only those things rarely. But, it takes a desire to want to get know me before anything.

Fear. Fear of what? What am I scared of? That people won't like me? That perhaps I'm NOT wrong? Eh, it sounds very plausible. My personality (and on occasion everything else about me) feels like penelope when she's hiding behind the glass. As if when these outside people finally saw her that they would run away. It's happened before so it's not a totally out there thought, but it's not always true and it never stopped her from stepping out from behind the glass. I guess I've stayed in my own little word behind glass for so long that now i'm scared of the outside. What it'll do. Perhaps all I need is a scarf and a ride on a vespa.



I guess he's right and i'm right. Because i'm tired of being behind the glass. She didn't leave until she knew there was at least one person who wouldn't run away at the first sight of her. Perhaps both are needed for the glass to be removed. Well, I guess the first move has been made and it's now my turn to step out. I'm scared, but there's always the off chance that it won't be so bad and i might even enjoy myself. Wouldn't that be something. If that happens, i'll never hear the end of it though.....lol.



Now the question becomes: Since I don't have a literal wall of glass, how do I accomplish such said walking out from behind the glass? Well, I'll make it my goal to come up with an answer before next Friday. Yep. That sounds good.

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Now isn't the time to break
Friday. 9.19.08 2:45 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Under the weather
Thursday. 9.11.08 1:51 pm
Sometimes you hear a song and that song is simply about what's going on in your life. When this happens I feel not alone and somewhat understood even if i'll never speak to the person singing. That song was Under the Weather by KT Tunstall yesterday afternoon. It hit somewhere inside of me that i didn't even know was feeling any of that.

Well, it's 1 o'clock and i've been in my room since 11:30. I got sent home from work early since I went in early for a field trip. It wasn't difficult all I did was prep some kids packs for the little ones. Then they just came up - got their box and picked out a drink. It's great that so many kids when left to their own devices pick Apple Juice. Perhaps the next generation won't be as unhealthy as mine has been. Perhaps.

This week has been really laid back. It's given me time to think, process, determine and understand. Elessar257 and I had been fighting. It gets so stressful sometimes that I want to strangle him just to make it stop. We've worked through it though, i think, and things seem to be getting somewhat better. Of course....I may have just damned both of us with that one sentence.

I talked to my mom. She is insistent on giving up my Guinea Pigs. Part of me wonders if she's right, but then I come into my room greated by tiny little 'whoops' coming from their burgandy cage and I just can't do it. Even if they do end up poisioning me....they may be worth it. Speaking of animals....my cat got fleas. :( I was heartbroken and he was in pain. Elessar helped me bathe him and de-flea my room. Jaden seems to be good now and a bit more cuddly towards me. I think he feels pent up in my room - I don't blame him - but there's nowhere else to go.

Work has been good. My bosses like me, the pay is good, my co-workers are actually quite awesome and the work so far has been very laid back. However, yesterday they told me that since it's been so slow their going to start cutting hours. By that, they mean that they'll be splitting an 8 hour day that 2 people used to work into two 4 hour shifts that 1 person will work. I don't know yet how badly this will mess up my hours. In the end I think i'm going to end up needing a second job. It might not be so bad - i'll just have to pick out my second job very carefully, hopefully an assitant or maybe even secretary would work. We'll see what the future brings us on this.

I guess things have been going well. I'm very hesitant to admit it since it seems that whenever i say that somehow the spit hits the fan. But....from a detached perspective things aren't nearly as horrible as they were. Which, is a good. There are a few things right now that i'm either unsure about, hurting about, saddened by, or determined to make happen but that comes with the life package. Keeping my head up even while i'm drowning is starting to feel somewhat like second nature. I don't know if this is a good but it's helping me survive.

On a daily basis my thoughts are everywhere. Even with all this spare time I haven't had enough break throughs to figure out what the hell it is I want. My daily prayers for strength seem to be helping just enough for me not to lose it. That's something, if anything. I guess not everything can be great at the same time - if it was what would we have to complain or think about? You can't grow if everything is ok and you won't move if you're comfortable where you are. I'm just spouting off now.....

I am looking foward to the end of this month very much. I hope things go well and I hope that we have fun. I ask for those two things for my best friend - he needs it.

I don't think I have much else to say. I'm sure i do but honestly I think i'd have to write a bit more over the course of a few days to get extra thoughts formulated. It takes me awhile. This is good enough for now.

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YOUTUBE
Thursday. 9.11.08 12:35 am
Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?


Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with an A, D, or M?
sorry it's in french.
Fred says: Do you think they bought it?
Angel says: I bought it.


Were you happy when you woke up today?


Honestly, do you like anybody?


What are you listening to right now?


What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?


What did you do last night?


Who is the last person you talked to on the phone?


If your being extremely quiet what's it mean?


Do you regret anything from your past?


Last beverage?


Last nap?


Favorite month?


Favorite number?
minus the 8-11



What are you doing Saturday?


Do you hate when people smoke around you?


Who was the last guy you talked to:


Who was the last person besides family you talked to in person?


Do you have any plans for tomorrow?


What color shirt are you wearing?


Do you get along with girls?


Who all is in your house right now?


How do you feel about your hair right now?


What color are your eyes?


What's your favorite kind of soda?


Have you ever felt replaced?


Can you keep a secret?


Do you have trust issues?


What was the last movie you watched?

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