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I guess this is what I was expecting
Wednesday. 11.28.07 11:11 pm
I knew he didn't like me, but I think I waited too long to find out for sure.

Now I know. Or at least I think I do. I think he found out I liked him and didn't like it. He deleted me from his friends list and it hurts a little.

I guess this saves me any more trouble. I can go back to being alone.

Sometimes, I really hate the hands life deals.

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my life is turning into a soap opera
Wednesday. 11.28.07 3:42 pm
I really don't like the way things are starting to become. All the shit that's going on right now is going to drive me crazy.

Work issues that basically ma is the one dealing with, but because I'm back at home, I can be {and most likely will be, against my will} involved at any point in time. I'm not going into details because it's not really for me to tell, but it could compromise my crushing situation.

Because Mario works with ma, if I become involved with him and he comes over to the house, he'll see the home situation and might say something at work. It's not exactly a win-win for me. I'm being jeopardized by the issues going on with my mother.

It's times like these that make me really, really miss living on my own. I liked not knowing everything that went on at the house. Now I'm forced to know everything simply because I'm here.

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this will be day 7
Tuesday. 11.27.07 7:55 pm
So today was day six. Tomorrow I will have worked 7 days straight. Then I'm off Thursday and Friday. I plan on sleeping in both days.

Alright, I know I've been saying that I don't know why I suddenly started liking him, but that's sort of a lie. I'm still not sure if it is the reason, but I'm going with it. I'll spare the details, but it's sort of his fault. He said something to me a week ago and it put thoughts in my head. I've liked him since. Ugh.

I found out something today that made me smile. I had to actually stop smiling so that people wouldn't look at me weird, wondering why I was suddenly so happy. Ma informed me that he likes to play bingo! That right there is my guilty plessure. Ma thinks I should ask him to bingo, but I can't do it. I have trouble asking the guy out. I mean hell, it took me a month to ask Stuart out. I don't think I'll be able to torture myself for that long though.

I'm okay with the guy not always paying, but I hate, hate, hate having to make the first move. Gah! I'm so hopeless with this.

At least it's giving me something to talk about.

But for now, that's it.

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le sigh
Monday. 11.26.07 6:24 pm
The drama these days is insane. I'm not necessarily going through a ton of drama right now, but my mom is. And because most of the people my mom works with know me, I don't want to get dragged into it. I've got my own issues right now.

According to mom, he's said that I'm nice and that I remind him a lot of her. That, in itself right there, is what's going to keep this crush that I have from becoming anything more than just that: a crush. I've already listed my reasons and that confirms reason number 3. I've decided that I'm not going to say his name when I talk about him under this account because I realized yesterday that he had accepted my myspace friend request and there's a link to my blog from my myspace profile. I don't want him to know, at least not right now, so I'll just say "him" ... on the off chance he even reads this. If you want to know his name, I've mentioned it on one of my other Nutang accounts.

I think it's funny that one of my horoscopes said "Someone you hardly noticed before will suddenly become a lot more attractive to you, out of nowhere. It's worth giving it a chance." Now, I don't believe in horoscopes, nor do I follow them when I do read them, but I just found it funny how it seems to actually go along with my situation.

Ugh. I feel hopeless with this situation. But ... I always say that in these kinds of situations.

If people payed attention, they'd be able to tell I like him.

Blah. I'm done talking about this ... for today.

Chuck, Heroes and Journeyman is on tonight. I'm excited. I have a feeling they're only going to be on for another week ... the previews/commercials for Heroes seems to be hinting a momentary break in airing. I always hate the breaks. They leave me hanging as to what's going to happen next.

I sort of feel like I'm losing weight, but my pants don't feel like they fit any better. I'm thinking about getting on the scale on Thursday to see if I have lost any weight. Hopefully I have, but then I'll wonder some more about why my pants still feel tight.

Ha, I wasn't intending on this to be long, but it seems it turned out that way anyway. Ooops.

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trying
Sunday. 11.25.07 6:02 pm
The title to this entry has more than one meaning. I'll explain the easiest first.

I'm trying to visit Nutang as often as I can inbetween my weird work schedule. It seems to be working so far. I'm also trying to stay in the top 5 most active. So far, it's working. But who knows. Maybe next month I'll surf enough pages to guarentee my spot in the top 5 without having to fight for the position.

I'm trying to figure out why I'm showing interest in this one guy. Like I said in another entry, he's not all that cute and it was confirmed today that he smokes. But I still like him. My mind is still wanting to focus on him. I get happy whenever I see him. I look forward to running into him.

I mean, I'm not going out of my way to see him. Well ... no, that's sort of a lie. I kinda pushed my sister into going to Big Lots last night because I knew he was working. But other than that, I haven't gone out of my way. And the trip up there wasn't all that spontaneous. She was looking at prices of comforters/bed sheets and we sell them cheap there.

I want to do my hardest to keep it from being obvious that I like him. It's not proven possible yet. Every time I like a guy, I can't keep from making it totally obvious. I've only told one person: my mom. She's the only one I really can tell. He works at my mom's work and mine so I can't tell anyone at either place. He'd find out.

Ugh. I wasn't supposed to like anyone. Not liking anyone would mean I wouldn't have to deal with any kind of complications. I'd be able to avoid those hassels. But alas ... I couldn't avoid it. So I repeat, ugh.

Whatever. I'm sure he'll find out soon enough. I'm just afraid of rejection. There'd be more than one reason for rejection. First off, I don't think he likes me {but that's always the first reason I think of.} Second, we don't really know each other. Third, he knows and works with my mom. So having him over at the house would be weird for him.

Blah. I managed to do it again. I've lost my train of thought. 'Tis the end of this entry.

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quick
Saturday. 11.24.07 11:00 am
This is going to be fairly short. I want to sleep for a bit. Two hours of sleep before an 8 hour shift is not fun times.

I'm working quite a lot of odd hours this week, but that's okay. As much as I don't like getting up, I prefer going in at midnight, 1, 2, 3, 4am {the times vary depending on the day.} I went in at midnight this morning and I got off at 8:30am. I work tomorrow, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday at 3am, 4am, 4am and 4am, respectively. The latest I'll be getting out is noon, so that's not bad. The less time I have to deal with the general public the better. Mind you, I'm good with people. I just don't like them.

Anywho I'll be buying a terrarium for Lotus today. I'll just have Lori pay me back, $5 or $10 a week. The reason? She got out this morning. I was at work and I had Lori come in {once ma went to bed} to check on her and taker her out to stretch for a bit. She came in and saw that Lotus wasn't in the tank. Lori started to freak, but very luckily Lotus had only made it as far as the hangers. Lori said Lotus was just chillin out on my hangers. So she got her back in the cage and put some tape on the back cardboard piece. It wasn't enough, so I bought some duct tape.

Uhhhh that's it. I'm gonna go sleep now.

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