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Tuesday. 1.15.08 2:08 pm
Absolutely nothing.

Ma drove herself to work today. She's not supposed to with the medication she's taking {which is actually supposed to help keep the swelling down and the blood from pooling; not for the headaches} but her excuse was that she hadn't taken it yet, so she was okay to drive. I just shook my head because there was no use in arguing with her. And she'll be driving herself home from work too {because "by then the meds will have worn off" so she'll be okay driving again *rolls eyes*}

She needs to go to the store after work to get dinner, but I don't want her to drive that far, so I told her I'd drive her. The store actually isn't that far, but she's not supposed to be driving and she'll be taking her meds again after she gets home. I need the time anyway. And what better parking lot to practice parking in than Wal-Mart at 3:30 in the afternoon. Ha, should be interesting.

I'm working on day day 5 of 7 days straight. It's getting a little harder to get up in the morning. But I'll survive. Hell, it's only getting up at 3am. What's so hard about that? {note the sarcasm}

I was kind of all over the place today. Starting out with the truck, then ... doing something ... I suddenly don't remember what I did between truck and the toys. Huh; weird.

Anywho, after that I headed into toys to help Jean out. I was up on the ladder putting toys on the risers {the very top shelves} so that we could make room for summer items. When I was done with toys, I headed over and had to shove 8 cases of pillows {64 altogether} into where they belong. Who would have ever thought squishing pillows was exhausting.

I work tomorrow at the same time; 4am. There was originally supposed to be a truck tomorrow, but now they're saying it might not come. I hope it doesn't. I have a bunch of domestics to get out on the shelves. Where I'm going to put it? I haven't a clue. But with no truck, it should give me the extra time I need to find space.

Uhmmm, movies. I want to see Cloverfield and Juno. Will I? Probably not. At least not until they're out on DVD. I also want to see Sweeny Todd, but I already know that's going to wait. There was something else I wanted to see, but I can't remember what. Oh well.

Alright, I think I'm done for today.

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Monday. 1.14.08 12:35 pm
I can't think of a good enough title for this entry and I'm too lazy to figure out what number post this is. Somewhere close to 600. That's about all I know.

Anywho, work was alright today. I worked with a bunch of baby stuff and domestics {towels, rugs, matts, etc.}

I had to leave work a half hour early though. Ma hit her head on a 1/4in thick screw and it was bleeding for about 45 minutes. A couple hours after the incident and when her headache worsened, her boss released her and told her to go to the doctor. I left early because I needed to drive her home.

It's the first time I've driven since the car accident back in August. And before that I don't remember when I last drove. The Pontiac is actually easier to drive than the Nissan we had. The only thing the car needs is a tune-up. I've got just over 2 weeks until my road test. As long as I keep driving {and practice parallel parking} I should have no issues passing the test.

Uhm, I completely lost my train of though so I'll write again whenever.

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*yawn* {EDIT}
Sunday. 1.13.08 4:57 pm
Actually getting more than 6 hours of sleep the other night screwed with my system. I've gotten used to only getting 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night so anything more than 5, my body doesn't want to cooperate. So today, going in to work on a little over 4 hours and working the whole time, I was a bit fatigued when I got home.

I had to stay up for at least a little bit so that Lotus could be out and stretch. But when I almost fell over, I decided it was time to put her away and for me to lay down. I slept straight for 3 hours.

Alright, now, if you read the post yesterday you might have noticed I very briefly mentioned that the day got better for a little while. Lemme tell you why.

I wasn't going to see Sam at all this week because even though we worked on some of the same days, he doesn't start his shift until a couple hours after I end mine. I'll be long since home. I was a little bothered because I enjoy seeing him, but there was nothing I could do. And I wasn't about to say anything to anyone. It's bad enough too many people already know that I like him.

When I heard his name yesterday, it caught my curiosity. I happened to know he wasn't supposed to work that day; I was curious as to why he was supposed to call. A few hours later I found out why. I glanced up from what I was doing at one point and I saw him walk past ... putting on his uniform vest. Needless to say I was happier.

I wasn't able to really talk to him though because he was cashiering and every time I went up there to try, he got a line. Finally there was a break in the line {and I was sick of trying} so I worked up enough courage to ask for his number {he still hadn't called me.} I got his number, joked with Jean for a bit and finally left.

That couple hours that I saw him though, was nice.

We exchanged a few texts last night, but I needed to sleep. I have no idea when I'll get to see him again nor how often we'll be talking. He's got so much more of a life than I do; I never know when he's busy or when he's not. Oh well. That's the thing I like about texting. You can text message someone and if they're busy, they don't reply right away. If you call someone, the way people are these days, they won't always call you back.

Anywho, I think this is long enough. I have more to write, but I don't want to bore you completely to death with my ramblings.

**{EDIT} I just need to make sure that Sam knows I don't want a relationship. I like him, yes, but I'm moving in July. And I'd really rather not have my heart broken again. I just want a friend and he really does seem like a good person. I'm interested in getting to know him. Now I just have to work up the courage {and find the time and figure out the words} to talk to him about it. Meh.

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stealing a page from Jon's book
Sunday. 1.13.08 11:01 am
This is a placeholder entry. I want to post, but I'm going to wait until later tonight.

I just didn't want the last post to be the first one people read when they clicked on my page.

And I need to take Lotus out; I won't have both hands free to type.

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warning: rant ahead
Saturday. 1.12.08 6:24 pm
I really, honestly think I should have never left Tucson. I was financially more secure there. I had no one to deal with at home except myself. Oh yeah, and I had friends.

The crying I did, on what seemed like a daily basis, was because of bullshit going on at work. Not because of the fucked up family issues. Which is the reason the tears are falling now.

I hate that whenever ma has a bad day at work, it's taken out on us. I'm sorry that her work sucks and there's nothing she can do about it. But it's not my goddamn fault your shit is fucked up. I'm fucking sorry that I have money to spend. Would you like me to start paying all the bills? I will. But then no, you'll feel bad for "making your daughter pay for stuff she shouldn't have to." When I get my own place I'll have to pay for everything on my own. It won't be as simple in Florida as it was in Arizona.

I hate that I can't just leave like I did when I was 18. This time I have nowhere to go. And I'd rather sit at home crying than out on the street crying. Even if I had my license I'd need to get permission because it's not my car. But since I don't have my license the only way to get around by myself is by foot. We live too far away from anything for me to walk there in the dark, by myself.

I only have two people who I can call to talk to about this, but I wouldn't want to bother them with my problems. So I sit here and resort to my computer. I talk to no one. I have no one.

My day started out not-so-good, got better for a couple hours and now it's just been shot down the drain. There's almost no way for it to get better.

Wouldn't the people at work be shocked. The happy, smiling, friendly person they know is a person who suffers from depression, gets pissed off/cries easily and has violent tendencies {quite literally; sometimes I really do want to stab/punch/hurt someone.}

If I could have the lifestyle I had in Tucson with the job I have now, I'd be happier. But I apparently can't have both. No, it doesn't work that way.

It's times like these that I wish I hadn't stopped cutting.

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Friday. 1.11.08 2:07 pm
Yesterday was fairly uneventful. I basically stayed in my room the whole day. I didn't even eat dinner with the family. I just felt like being alone.

I took an hour and a half nap around 2:30pm yesterday, but of course, had to wake up at 4 to watch It Takes a Thief. The family who they robbed and gave the security system to sucked. Even after watching their home get destroyed by a burglar and getting a fucking swass {sweet-ass} home security system, they still left all of their doors open, plus a few windows. They even left the key under the doormat. The key was a universal skeleton key; it worked all of the locks in the house. It almost seemed like they didn't care nor appreciate what the guys did for them.

Anywho, I had to be at work at 2am so I shut the TV off at around 9pm. Between 9pm and 1:15am I was awake every 45 minutes. Needless to say, I did not get a decent amount of sleep before I had to work. Hopefully tonight I'll sleep better. I don't have to be at work until 6am tomorrow.

I think Sam works today, but I already got my check so I have no reason to go up to work. I'm not exactly broke anymore, but I don't know of anything I want to buy from work. I have no idea when he works again ... I kinda want him to call soon.

I'm doing my best not to let it bother me, but its starting to get a little harder. Not by much, but enough to irk me.

Cindy asked me today how good at math I am and I told her I'm pretty good. I aced Algebra I & II honors and I got a B average in Trig. The only thing I'm not good at was Geometry. I barely passed that class with a D and that was with a grade curve. Cindy asked if she paid me, could I tutor her daughter so that she could get her diploma. The pay isn't necessary, but I said I'd have to review the work and see what I could do to help. I was never good at helping someone understand, but I'm also a little better with people than I was 4 years ago. I also need to review the stuff she's studying because I've been out of school for close to 4 years.

Uhhhh I think that's it for today. I shall bore you more tomorrow.

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