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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR





Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2018:

1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
3. The Door - Margaret Atwood
Rude, me.
Friday. 5.29.15 9:48 pm
Well, I got scolded by my colleague for being rude. He said "You don't be rude to me!".

Well, I know it was also my fault because I kept intercepting his words. Renaye.. it's your fault... shut up..

But... but... I feel he likes to flex his authority in front of other people. I remember him screaming at me for disappearing while invigilating his exam. He did in front of 12 students.

Exam. Right. I organised 2 major events back to back, and now one week worth of activities and I am the only admin support staff for the event. And yet, I have never 'scream' at people when I was very angry. I held my breathe and thank them for helping me out. Some help is better than no help.

Exam. It's internal. Any screw up... it's ok because such mini event can be controlled easily. The main worry is the examining part.

My event? Across other departments and involve the public.

Anyways, I learn my lesson. With my sharp tongue, I had gravely hurt a friend beyond reconciliation and bring wrath upon myself.

Change, renaye.

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Heartbroken again
Wednesday. 5.20.15 9:19 am
My supervisor scolded me for doing shortcut in determining unit of analysis.

He didn't love me enough to not give up on me.

Wow. This voice is good.

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Thinking thoughts -Heart broken
Sunday. 5.17.15 10:51 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Broken heart on an anniversary
Friday. 5.15.15 2:27 pm
I wrote a long message to my bf and I actually wanted to change my mind on the last liner but I accidentally hit enter on FB. Damn. It must be God's sign.

The last liner: Break up.

It's a coward method but it's the most efficient method for my case.

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Fear and my supervisor
Friday. 5.8.15 11:13 pm
I have a feeling my supervisor is going to tell me that my written literature review is an uninspiring piece designed to be some toilet tissue paper.

I am creeping myself unnecessarily in fear. Yup. What to do. I think I have written it shitty despite putting effort.

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Shame, embarrassment and myself
Sunday. 5.3.15 8:54 am
I didn't know I made a fool out of myself for the past two weeks. No one to blame other than myself.

Let see. Where should I begin.

Ok. Like this.

Two weeks ago, I received back my assignment from the lecturer. It's written a C without being given the marking rubric. Actually on the second thought, did she downgrade my marks?

Anyway, I thought it was C as in a b C. I almost flipped because C is too harsh. B was more OK.

Then outside of the lecturer's room, my coursemate came to me with a crying look. Don't know how to elaborate but just imagine a person just tell you your cat is sick and almost died. That was the look she gave. It's like humans finally realise that the world is on the way to dooms day by 60%. She showed me a D.

With the crying expression and the D combo, it just strike to me she got a Donkey. She kept saying 'Ma'am can't give me such marks... I can't get such marks... I am a paying student!' And I replied "It's ok... it's not the end of the world." And she replied on the contrary. She asked me to ask others and I did on my other 3 more coursemates.

Three got D, one P and myself C.

Two weeks later, the eldest coursemate, I think, came to me and said in a tone I dislike it. Well, I believe she meant no harm but she said "Renaye, I asked my friends about the D. It's actually a Distinction." She ended it with a look that said "Are you not being SILLY?" I went 'Oh?' and hid myself behind my mini Samsung Tab and cried quietly during class. Yup... took out some tissue and sniffled.

I made a fool of myself for the whole freaking 2 weeks. I have asked my colleagues who are lecturers and asked for advise. My seniors came to me with full of caring and concern about the D.

And how the hell do I tell the people, who I think they love me, that I got it all wrong?

Why the hell do you put up a crying expression in the first place?

So I asked my crying baby coursemate. "You got a Distinction. What's the problem?" She replied that we need to maintain 85 score for the course so the society will consider our application for PhD and 'not labeled being stupid.'"

Err.. but hey you got a distinction. And I have not reported that you submitted that damn assignment late.

I replied that the score does not measure anything in life and she tried to argue with me 'Hey listen...'

Hey listen what? Have you started a life beyond university? No. So, kid, you should be listening to me who has 10 years of working experience. It doesn't measure anything.

And... all I wanted to is to learn new things in studies. Not to score.

JK Rowling speech at Harvard university graduation is meaningful. This is from someone who understand failure: been there, done that. And we are trained not to fail but then everything in life is not a bed of roses. So much of those training it does not protect us from failure at all.

I remember telling my friends it's ok I fail. It's better I fail now then failing later. It's the experience I am after... and that sent my friends calling me cuckoo. They argued: Who the hell wants failure.

Failure is part of life. There's nothing to be ashamed of it.

So back to my D. I have to notify my seniors and my colleagues that I got it all wrong. My reputation is damaged because of her. What is she thinking of? She wants a 100? Yea right. Not my league. I have been there done that back in degree years. Where am I now?

Ended up being a tarot reader trying to help people to awaken to reality of freedom within us.

It's the experience, baby. Not the scores. You can't eat the score, but you can breathe experience.

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