A smile upside down
Thursday. 9.24.09 5:22 am
Is it odd that I miss it?
Yeah yeah yeah. I know it's late and I know I should be asleep...
But I'm stuck. Caught. Like when you're getting out of your car and your jacket gets caught in the car door. You were in motion and that sudden jerk from your clothing jolts you back to reality. Or something like that.
Well, I got caught by my own music.
Well... not MY OWN music, but the music I used to listen to. I wanted to listen to something different than the usual drab that I hear while I worked on my essay. Well, I've been done for an hour now, but I can't seem to tear myself away from this music.
At first I thought, "Jeez! How did I NOT know I was depressed??" but then this horrible nagging feeling started creeping up inside of me. "This is good music." it said. "This makes me feel... I miss THIS." And that's when I stopped. Wait, WHAT? Did I just really think that? Why in the world would I miss THIS?! I mean, it was horrible depressorama. But I realized, I really DO miss this. I miss that feeling of destiny, that feeling of passion, of power, of LOVE. So WHAT if I thought the love of my life was some tramp that doesn't give me two seconds worth her time to even think about me?! It felt... REAL. STRONG. Unbridled. Passionate. Wild. Intense. ...and it's gone. Gone. I fixed myself. And I'm not better off for it. I mean, I'm NOT, right? Sure I don't feel suicidal or like I am stuck in some horrible story by dostoevski anymore. But. Is it worth it? I mean, did I really make progress?
Even Kristina has admitted to it.
She calmed me down the other day from it. But did that make it any less true? Did it change anything? I don't think so. I think she's right.
I think I really did lose a part of my soul with her. As long as I kept mourning her I at least had that part of my soul. And now... it's gone.
The worst part is... I still don't feel anything.
Sure this is disturbing and quite concerning, but there's this part of me that says "What can I do about it?" and shrugs.
Have I really finally accepted apathy?
Is this what plagues me?
And how do I defeat something like apathy?
Can I even defeat apathy? Or am I too apathetic to really try?
All together now
Saturday. 9.19.09 1:52 am
Helena dared me to write a positive nutang, so here it is.
It's not like I don't have happy moments. Like the song "All together Now"! I love that song! How could one not?! "
Katie makes me happy. She's the new addition to the zoo I own. Yes, zoo. Bruno (my blue heeler), Tiny Cutie (my mom's parakeet), Alice (the bunny), Jack (the rabbit), Kaylee (Helena's guinea pig), Jaden (Helena's cat), and now Katie (my kitten)!
Talk about all together now, right...?
She actually picked her own name, you know? I'm not even kiddin. I ran through a short list of names I was debating on and when I came to the name Katie she meowed and came over to me. Since then she's always responded to that name. I'm not even kidding. It MAY be because it rhymes with "kitten", but I don't see why'd she be used to people calling her kitten when everyone called her "peanut" (ech! I know!) before I renamed her.
And speaking of not kidding, you wanna hear something funny I hadn't thought of in a long time? When I was in middle school and high school I had a series of odd named teachers. The list is as following:
Math teacher - Mr. Pless (pronounced Plus, not kidding)
World Geography - Mrs. Holand
Texas History - Ms. Austin
Biology teacher - Mr. Cox (Yup, freshmen biology. Reproduction and whatnot... It would of been hilarious had he not been so boring. He sounded like Ben Stein, but worse)
French teacher - Mrs. Canard (Canard means duck in French)
There were more teachers, but sadly enough these are the only ones I remember. I mean, talk about destiny, right? lol. Sure Mrs. Holand and Mrs. Canard married into those names, but that only brings up the question of whether the name had anything to do with the relationship... on a subconscious level at least.
And speaking of questions!
Have y'all seen that special on KERA or whatever educational channel you watch, about how they've discovered dinosaurs in the arctic?! It's crazy! I hadn't heard about this until now! It's apparently throwing scientists for the biggest effing loop ever! How could it not? This means that dinosaurs (or some of them) must have been warm blooded! And therefore some big meteor crashing into earth wouldn't have been enough to kill them off! I'm summarizing here, but work with me. It's just crazy! And amazing to me!
I mean, think about it. Science is being taught as nothing but factual information. To question science you are either a demented fool or a religious nut. When in reality, we don't know shit! I hardly cuss but this DESERVES that. I mean what we THINK we know could be nothing but lies. We've spent YEARS believing that dinosaurs are nothing but big cold blooded lizards who died from some big rock. Now the WHOLE biology of hundreds of species has to be RElooked at, because we got a crucial part of it wrong! To top it off! We also have to look even DEEPER into why the such dominant and diverse creatures in this planet died off! We can no longer blame it on one single hunk of outerspace rock!
It's a challenge!
It screams at the world to reinvent and reevaluate what it thought to be true! What we thought we knew of our own planet!
It's like rewritting history!
You can't do it, but by golly sometimes the tiniest thing like LOCATION can alter your WHOLE perspective on your past!
And maybe it's true... Maybe some of the things we think are true about are past, are nothing but misunderstood naive lies!
Imagine the possibilities of a new and different future because of the new perspective on your past! On MY past!
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