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January 2020

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rushing wind
Thursday. 10.16.08 1:29 am

this apartment has been preceeded by drama.

most of which, was unncessary.

I've started moving in. I feel good about it. At the end of 6 months my future gets somewhat hazy. It's scary. I'm so not used to living in that short span of time. I don't know what I want to do. I'm scared. It's a ways away however and alot can happen in 6 months time. Things could range anywhere from homeless to mansion. We'll see where God takes me.

Bruno is being funky. He's not the only one whose worried.
Also, I've come to realize that I somewhat care for the parakeet. Life just keeps getting weirder.


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Thursday. 10.9.08 1:51 am

It's the only way to describe my head right now. Which, for me is saying alot since i'm usually trapt in my own version of Neverland.

These past two months have been, without a doubt the most intense....so far.... in a long long (if ever) while.

I'm thrown and i'm excited and i'm on my butt but i'm looking at the sky. Ok, so I know that made no sense at all so, let's let my mind wander eh?

First off, the apartment - not going to happen. Why? Different reasons I suppose. I had been planning on moving in with my best friend so it'd be cheap, we'd help each other and blah, blah blah. It seemed like a good idea. Then word got around. "But she's a girl" and "what are you thinking?!". Of course, none of these things mentioned to me at all. They went up to him and tried to talk him out of it, for MY sake. It was frustrating and aggrivating. All I wanted to do was to save money and have a place of my own again. A place I wouldn't have to haunt. It felt like they were trying to take away my happy. So, I got angry. Then I calmed down and actually listened to what they were saying, why they were saying it, and the various other reasons behind it. In the end, i'm still leaving. It'll take longer, but it'll happen. It'll be a place of my own and that - in the long run will probably be for the best. I guess. It's what thrills me sort of. Moving the thought around my mind, tasting it's various flavors. Where will it be? When will I be there? Will I be happy? Will I be lonely? Will Jaden (my beloved cat) like it? Will I have enough money? Will I be able to save sufficently? It's enough to make you dizzy. In the long run - it might be best for everyone.

Secondly, I had the rug pulled out from under me again. Again, again, again. Always again. See, this thing that I thought was NEVA gonna happen...sorta happened. And, it's confusing. So much so that I a) don't really believe it happened and b) don't wanna thinking about it. It's.....well, there's no word for it yet. But, I guess if something's so out there that you can't even really believe it...well, that just goes to show you what it is, doesn't it? Do I ever make any sense?

My mom might have to go to the hospital.
She works with Autistic (sp?) children ages 3-6. One of them bit her on the fleshy part of her hand (right where your thumb is?). It got infected. She went to the doctor and he put her on INCREDIBLY heavy antibiotics. If it doesn't go down by tomorrow morning then she has to go to the hospital. If it's bad enough she could lose her hand. It's her right one and she's right handed. She's scared and so am I. Hopefully it's not that big a deal and she'll be there with enough time for the doctors to do their thing. I've been praying for her since I found out.
Poor mom.

Halloween is quickly approaching and I don't have a costume.

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thoughts can be very misleading.
Wednesday. 10.1.08 1:27 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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words words words he's so sick of words
Sunday. 9.21.08 1:08 am
is that all you blighters can do?
The song seemed to fit with a little tweaking.

We argued like we haven't argued in awhile. I guess it started last night though we got over that fairly quickly. Us arguing is not the point however. What he said holds weight and what I think holds weight as well. It's all in fact very weighty. But, that doesn't make it any less important and meaningful. I suppose it is something that has been trying to be assimilated into my personality for awhile now. I keep resisting and I don't know why. Before I begin to ramble....let me fill you in.

Self Worth. Self Acceptence. Insecurities.
I have issues with these things. Why you may ask? Childhood experiences, adult experiences, my own sometimes twisted perception on life and my role in it. Have these things affected me? Yes. Sometimes in subtle ways other times....in very serious ways. He just doesn't want any permanent damage done to me. I understand that. In the end, I suppose i'm either scared or may have possibly just given up hope.

I watched Penelope with Christina Ricci and James McAvoy the other day. The message was there. "I like myself the way I am". Besides it being a visually beautiful movie and (while a little chessy) a fun feel good movie, it had a message that hit home. Can I be happy by myself? Probably. Perhaps it's simply my indisiviceness (sp?) that is holding me back. My shyness. My wall flower personality. Once you get to know me i'm only those things rarely. But, it takes a desire to want to get know me before anything.

Fear. Fear of what? What am I scared of? That people won't like me? That perhaps I'm NOT wrong? Eh, it sounds very plausible. My personality (and on occasion everything else about me) feels like penelope when she's hiding behind the glass. As if when these outside people finally saw her that they would run away. It's happened before so it's not a totally out there thought, but it's not always true and it never stopped her from stepping out from behind the glass. I guess I've stayed in my own little word behind glass for so long that now i'm scared of the outside. What it'll do. Perhaps all I need is a scarf and a ride on a vespa.

I guess he's right and i'm right. Because i'm tired of being behind the glass. She didn't leave until she knew there was at least one person who wouldn't run away at the first sight of her. Perhaps both are needed for the glass to be removed. Well, I guess the first move has been made and it's now my turn to step out. I'm scared, but there's always the off chance that it won't be so bad and i might even enjoy myself. Wouldn't that be something. If that happens, i'll never hear the end of it though.....lol.

Now the question becomes: Since I don't have a literal wall of glass, how do I accomplish such said walking out from behind the glass? Well, I'll make it my goal to come up with an answer before next Friday. Yep. That sounds good.

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