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Sunday. 11.2.08 8:17 pm
I'm alone in my living room with a pizza in the oven and Extreme Home Makeover on the tv.

We talked at Subway. I was asked if I was depressed. I answered before I even thought about so I suppose the answer is yes. Well, after a 2 hour conversation I have plenty to chew on.

I didn't go to Church today. Not just WOF but any church. I stayed home and did....well, nothing. I tried to find a job online, but that's about it. I didn't talk to anyone and I did nothing productive. I can't even distract myself with cleaning properly. I don't know why I didn't go. I guess in the end I just didn't want to see....anyone. But I felt.....missing as well. I suppose I'm not toally dead on the inside.

Well, that wasn't a totally EMO statment was it?...lol.
I don't even know when all this started. I think the first domino was last December. When I flunked out for the second time. Everything that has preceeded that event has....well, not been good. Even the few good things that have actually made me happy....well, in the end they've either a)made no one but me happy or b) have caused severe loss or pain to others and myself. I'm so confused. I'm happy where I'm at even though it isn't the "best" place and things are going to be really tough for awhile. I'm....happy. I feel GOOD when I wake up in the morning. But I feel as if I'm so alone in this feeling and that brings my spirits to the lowest of lows. My happiness brings others sadness. How twisted am I? I'm tired of feeling alone.

Church has been making me sad. Even talk of God has been causing me to tear up. I talked to him this morning though. I laid in bed, opened all my windows and got on my knees and prayed. I've lost Him. I'm confused and worried and I don't want to be a bad person. But, I don't want to give up the few good things that I have. Even if they don't really want me in return. I'm tired of feeling alone.

Perhaps this is all me. Perhaps this is nothing but a problem of perception. Perhaps these past few months have permanently damanged me - if not physically then mentally. Perhaps I'm broken. Perhaps I am that tea cup that I heard about except I got tipped over and now i'm chipped. Would anyone really want a broken tea cup? How many artists keep their defunked work?

I'm really trying, you know? But it never really seems to be enough. Some people can go off and be completely happy by themselves. That's not to say that I can't...but I don't really want to be alone. I'd have no trouble going on vacation by myself...but if you have no one to share that with....then why? It's the same reason I won't cook if I don't really have anyone to cook for. I just want to be around someone. Not the same someone forever and ever (well, not yet) but as for now I just want to be around people. I want to share experiences, movies, shows, food, laughter, jokes, news, family, holidays...everything.

I want my happiness to be ok. I don't want to feel judged for my sliver of happiness. I keep it under lock and key now, in the upper regions of my emotional bookshelf. Someone I know that's there but never really go near.

I'm just ranting.

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rushing wind
Thursday. 10.16.08 1:29 am
drama.

this apartment has been preceeded by drama.

most of which, was unncessary.

I've started moving in. I feel good about it. At the end of 6 months my future gets somewhat hazy. It's scary. I'm so not used to living in that short span of time. I don't know what I want to do. I'm scared. It's a ways away however and alot can happen in 6 months time. Things could range anywhere from homeless to mansion. We'll see where God takes me.

Bruno is being funky. He's not the only one whose worried.
Also, I've come to realize that I somewhat care for the parakeet. Life just keeps getting weirder.


Hungry.

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Thursday. 10.9.08 1:51 am
Silence.

It's the only way to describe my head right now. Which, for me is saying alot since i'm usually trapt in my own version of Neverland.

These past two months have been, without a doubt the most intense....so far.... in a long long (if ever) while.

I'm thrown and i'm excited and i'm on my butt but i'm looking at the sky. Ok, so I know that made no sense at all so, let's let my mind wander eh?

First off, the apartment - not going to happen. Why? Different reasons I suppose. I had been planning on moving in with my best friend so it'd be cheap, we'd help each other and blah, blah blah. It seemed like a good idea. Then word got around. "But she's a girl" and "what are you thinking?!". Of course, none of these things mentioned to me at all. They went up to him and tried to talk him out of it, for MY sake. It was frustrating and aggrivating. All I wanted to do was to save money and have a place of my own again. A place I wouldn't have to haunt. It felt like they were trying to take away my happy. So, I got angry. Then I calmed down and actually listened to what they were saying, why they were saying it, and the various other reasons behind it. In the end, i'm still leaving. It'll take longer, but it'll happen. It'll be a place of my own and that - in the long run will probably be for the best. I guess. It's what thrills me sort of. Moving the thought around my mind, tasting it's various flavors. Where will it be? When will I be there? Will I be happy? Will I be lonely? Will Jaden (my beloved cat) like it? Will I have enough money? Will I be able to save sufficently? It's enough to make you dizzy. In the long run - it might be best for everyone.

Secondly, I had the rug pulled out from under me again. Again, again, again. Always again. See, this thing that I thought was NEVA gonna happen...sorta happened. And, it's confusing. So much so that I a) don't really believe it happened and b) don't wanna thinking about it. It's.....well, there's no word for it yet. But, I guess if something's so out there that you can't even really believe it...well, that just goes to show you what it is, doesn't it? Do I ever make any sense?

My mom might have to go to the hospital.
She works with Autistic (sp?) children ages 3-6. One of them bit her on the fleshy part of her hand (right where your thumb is?). It got infected. She went to the doctor and he put her on INCREDIBLY heavy antibiotics. If it doesn't go down by tomorrow morning then she has to go to the hospital. If it's bad enough she could lose her hand. It's her right one and she's right handed. She's scared and so am I. Hopefully it's not that big a deal and she'll be there with enough time for the doctors to do their thing. I've been praying for her since I found out.
Poor mom.

Halloween is quickly approaching and I don't have a costume.

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thoughts can be very misleading.
Wednesday. 10.1.08 1:27 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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