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Had an ECS meeting today and went to the gym. Ran 3 miles in total, not continuously, plus did normal Bosu stuff, Stairmaster, and squats.

Found r/killthosewhodisagree and have been browsing it a little. Made me think about how accustomed I've become to people making extreme threats of violence over disagreements in opinion. I know I was guilty of doing it when I was a teenager, but I'd like to think I've grown since then. Looking through the posts there was a bit shocking when I realized how normalized that kind of language has become.

Didn't get around to writing a piece for that guy yet... Trying to refine some ideas but I really don't like the prompt and it's sapping my motivation. I should at least write a critique for him though...

Mood was not good today, despite socialization/exercise/sunlight. Could be dietary, but I dunno. It's hard to tell when I just wake up feeling bad.

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Appetite is getting better, but for some reason all I want to eat is cucumber kimchi. Sadly we don't have any more at the moment.

Yesterday was my first day back the the church where I used to work... I'm in charge of a class of two year olds now. There are 16 of them on the roster, but I think we had... 12 or 13 of them on the first day. It went pretty well! We have quite a nicely behaved set of kids. Probably one of the only "bad" things was when I was changing diapers, and one kid just... man... it was like an explosion in there. My co-teacher and I were frankly shocked, because we hadn't smelled it or anything. And... there were no gloves, so I was using a pretty thick wad of baby wipes to clean it up. That kid's parents need to adjust his diet, because yikes.

A few of the kids were clinging to me almost the whole time, and when we took the class out to the playground (they get a half hour on the playground with another class of the same age), a couple kids from the other class decided they wanted to hang out with me as well, haha. One little boy just stood near me the whole time and showed me a flower he picked, then kept staring at me until I was like "what's your name?" He said "Nathan," so I told him my name, and then he smiled and kept staring at me. It was kind of weird, but cute, haha.

I've been looking at the analog glitch art of this guy named Rob Sheridan, and he linked a cool video on his Tumblr:

"INORI (Prayer)"


Also looked at the Flickr of the guy I'm doing the writing partner thing with... man, some of his photos of things are just stunning. I've been seeing some really beautiful things and I feel sort of inspired?
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I've been trying to find this one song I heard at the gym for awhile now and it's proving to be very difficult. :(

Decided to take a break from the search and just looked up some old stuff.

"This Time (Klaas Remix)" by DJ Antoine.

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I did end up going to cycle class. Didn't run afterwards though. Felt kind of lazy for just doing the one class and nothing else, but it was cardio + upper body so... I dunno, that kind of helps.

Birthday is in two weeks and thinking about it is kind of stressing me out. I need to plan it and tell people so that they can mark it on their calendars, but I feel overwhelmed by the logistics.

I feel like one of the big differences between "I feel fine" and "I feel terrible" is how hard things seem. On a good day I can go and wash all the dishes in the sink, clean the kitchen, cook for myself, and enjoy the whole process, but on a bad day, even thinking about doing any of those things makes me feel anxious and exhausted. Maybe I just need to work on forcing myself to do them instead of thinking about them. The thoughts are draining.

Still need to write up a critique for my new writing buddy and write a piece in response to the prompt he gave me... I haven't really been feeling like writing anything long, although I have still been jotting down snippets of poetry if they come to me. I have some ideas floating around in my head for the story I'm going to write, but nothing too concrete. Then again, I rarely plan out what I'm going to write. Things just... come to me. In a way I feel like my writing process is incredibly lazy and thoughtless, because I kinda just go with the flow and rarely edit, but... people seem to be okay with that. -Shrug- I'm lucky that people think I'm already a good writer... really not motivated to get better at it. >_>

Finally went grocery shopping with my dad today. We hit up Grocery Outlet and I got five boxes of Power Bar protein bars because they were $3.75 for a box of 15. Hell yeah. This might help with my energy levels at the gym, since I've been struggling to eat enough to have adequate energy for workouts.

Here's a song Youtube has been pushing at me for awhile:

"I Miss You So" by Salami Rose Joe Louis.

It sounds like sitting in a quiet, dimly lit coffee shop in the city by yourself, stirring the lukewarm remainder of the drink in your cup, and alternating between staring out the window at the streetlights and across the table at the empty chair in front of you. It's almost closing time, and you can't stay here forever.

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I got logged out somehow after starting to write this entry, so I lost the entire thing and now I have to rewrite it.

"Strict Machine" by Goldfrapp.


I really don't feel like trying to rewrite everything I had before, so here's the summary:

-Ran three miles yesterday. (Ran 2.25, took a break to do Bosu plank, squats, burpees, ran 0.75).
-Might go to cycle class tonight but I dunno, we'll see.
-Downloaded a 90s dance hits mix that made running easier.
-Running longer goes better when I set a goal (e.g. 2 miles) and then stretch it a little when I get close to the goal ("I'll just go to 2.05," "Might as well go to 2.15" etc.). It's easier to go farther when you're already really close to your new goal.

-Conversation last night got me wondering if I'll ever feel some of the things I used to feel again, or if I'm just a different person now.

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