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Memores acti prudentes futuri


Blowing kisses he just misses
love is harder at a distance
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories― if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
TICoSME
Musicalities!
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
The Property of Hate
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
Burnout..
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
From a social learning theory (Rotter, 1954) point of view, burnout might be conceptualized as the state in which one's minimal goals are too high and are not changed in response to feedback.

The symptoms of burnout have been described as depression, cynicism, boredom, loss of compassion, and discouragement (Freudenberger and Robbins, 1979). The research on burnout among therapists suggests the following as contributing factors: professional isolation, the emotional drain of always being empathetic, ambiguous successes (Bermak, 1977), lack of therapeutic success, nonreciprocated giving and attentiveness (Farber and Heifetz, 1982); and failure to live up to one's own (perhaps unrealistic) expectations, leading to feelings of inadequacy or incompetency (Deutsch, 1984).

Well, this strikes a chord.

What do I do about it, though?

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Thanksgiving at home
Thursday, November 24, 2016
I had a really nice Thanksgiving, with no sensory overload this time.

Only had to make two dishes this year, because my mom wanted to experiment with the mashed potatoes, so she and my cousin handled that. I just made mac and cheese and spinach kale ricotta pie, which my boyfriend helped with. He'd never made pie crust before, but he picked it up quickly. :)

After we finished cooking, boyfriend and I hung out in my room a bit while he set up a game on his laptop, and then we went out for a walk. We went to my elementary school and walked around the playground. It was clear and sunny outside, and a bit brisk, but not too cold. The weather was comforting.

Fro called me while we were out and asked if my parents drank wine, because she wasn't sure what to get them as a host gift, but I told her not to worry about it because she was already bringing a pie and ice cream anyway. She said she'd be over in fifteen minutes, so boyfriend and I walked back home.

Then... Fro and Mike came over, and we hung out in my room for awhile, until dinner was ready and the rest of my family came over. My mom asked everyone to write something they were thankful on an index card anonymously, so that we could later shuffle the cards and everyone would read someone else's. I wrote that I was thankful for "good listeners who don't interrupt you in the middle of what you're saying."

We made wayyyyyyyyyy too much food for everyone to eat, even though we had seventeen people. When the leftovers were gathered on the table, it looked like we hadn't even eaten yet. >.> It was good, though. I didn't stuff myself like Mike or my boyfriend, so I didn't get too bad a food coma, but I still felt fairly sleepy. Mike and Fro and boyfriend and I had our own little table to sit around, and we chatted through dinner and for a few hours afterwards, until they went home. It felt really pleasant. Since I hadn't overeaten, I nibbled on things while we talked. Four tangerines and a bit of apple cranberry crumble... Definitely unnecessary after dinner, but they still tasted good. It also just felt really good to talk, and we laughed pretty hard a few times.

I'm pretty sleepy now, but boyfriend fell asleep on my bed and I'm not allowed to sleep in the same bed with him at my parents' house, so I have to wait for him to go out to the living room before I can go to sleep in my room.

Things feel so much better at home.

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What are we doing here?
Sunday, November 20, 2016
A friend asked me for advice today. A friend of her friend has been suicidal for awhile, and my friend and her friend are wondering what to do about the situation.

I asked a few questions about the friend-of-a-friend's situation, and wondered how I got to this point in my life. How did I become someone whom my friends would think to go to for advice in a situation like this? Is the request justified? What do I know about anything?

...What am I even doing?

I looked up an affordable counseling center and linked it. It felt so trivial, so mechanical, so meaningless. It echoed of a feeling I sometimes felt at the crisis line. "Is this even helping? I'm just giving this person a link to something else. What am I doing that they couldn't have done themselves?"

Right now I feel like I'm supposed to be learning how to help people, but I'm not helping anybody at all. I sit in a classroom for a couple hours on half of the days of the week, and my eyes sting from the fluorescent lights, and my ears buzz with convoluted philosophical meanderings. And I keep wondering if this is moving me somewhere, if there is some insight to be gleaned from all this, something that will open me up, help me climb to new heights of being, to be a better thinker, a better listener, a better human in the presence of other humans. I feel like it all makes only the barest of sense. Frequently I get the feeling like I'm not learning anything new, which provokes a sense of "been there, done that," but I'm suspicious of that. Regardless of my feeling, it doesn't seem right to think I might just be more "advanced" or understand better what's going on in my classes than the people around me. My conclusion instead is that there is more to what's happening than I'm conscious of or absorbing. That seems more likely than the highly presumptuous "I already know all of this," at least.

I wish I could talk to my old therapist about what's been going on. He tried to encourage me and suggested that I might find my koi here, but I don't think I have.

Have been getting bouts of nausea recently for unknown reasons, but I'm going to the doctor on Wednesday, so I hope they can help me...

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Depressed volume
Monday, November 14, 2016
Fro called me on the phone tonight, and we talked for a lengthy time. She said that when she visited me over the weekend, she noticed that I seemed severely depressed. This surprised me, as I thought I'd been fairly upbeat compared to usual recently. She said that she knew because my voice had been very quiet, and that it reminded her of when I was very depressed in the past, and had spoken so quietly that she could hardly hear me.

I wasn't aware of this, but it makes sense. She said that she remembered asking me to speak up, and me saying that I was, but my volume not changing, even though I was clearly trying to, and being drained by that effort.

It feels like I've just slowed down in general, lately, like my energy to do anything is almost entirely depleted. Fro suggested that maybe things would be better when I go back home for winter break, and maybe she's right.

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2016-11-09 [6P]
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Eughhhhbleughhh
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
For no discernible reason, I suddenly felt sick today and had to walk as quickly as I could manage to the bathroom in order to throw up. I just made it through the door and ended up throwing up thrice in the sink. Luckily it was mostly liquid, so it went down the drain without too much trouble... A lady came in to clean right after I finished vomiting, and she asked if I was okay and if I needed her to call Public Safety for me. I told her I felt better after throwing up, and I couldn't go to get checked out right now because I had class in an hour, but I appreciated the thought. Meanwhile, there was another girl who was there pretty much the whole time I was throwing up, and she never even paused to look at me.

I realize it's not exactly proper to form assumptions based on just two examples, but I'm really starting to wonder if there's just something wrong with the students at this school.

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Sitting alone
Thursday, October 27, 2016
A couple days ago, I was walking to school and I passed a girl. She had a blank expression for the most part, but she smiled slightly when we briefly made eye contact while passing each other, and it felt nice.

Today after my class, I sat outside and rolled around some baoding balls that my boyfriend gave me in my hand. I listened to the chime noises they made, and to the air around me. It seemed strange that there was so little noise from human activity, considering that I was on a school campus where lots of people were. Mostly I heard the wind and some little bird chirps. I also touched a cattail, which I'm not sure I've done before. It felt... not really like cat fur, but sort of soft, but with a slight roughness to it. It felt familiar, but I couldn't place it.

It was nice to sit by myself and not have anywhere to be or anything to do (at least, not immediately).

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Late night sad times
Sunday, October 23, 2016
"Sweetness" by Jimmy Eat World.

If you're listening, are you listening?
If you're listening, are you listening?
Sing it back
If you're listening, are you listening?
I'm still running away
I'm still running away
Won't play your hide and seek game
I was spinning free
With a little sweet and simple numbing me
What a dizzy dance
The sweetness will not be concerned with me
No the sweetness will not be concerned with me


This song is giving me a sense of saudade right now... It reminds me of sleeping on my mattress on the floor of my room when I was 13 and we were preparing to paint my walls. My radio was on the pink shelf that used to come out of the wall next to my closet, and I spent a lot of time lying under it and listening to Channel 104.9. I still had Ducky, Romeo, and Stormy, although Stormy died that winter from overheating. Romeo almost died too, and it was my fault for putting the cage too close to the heater overnight. I didn't want them to be cold, but I ended up killing one of my birds instead. It's a painful memory to reflect on.

They're all gone, now, all my birds... I try not to blame myself for their deaths, but sometimes I don't succeed. At least I don't blame myself for Romeo. I did everything that I could for him, and he lived almost eleven years. A long time for a pet budgie.

I miss him so much. I wonder if I'll ever be able to stop grieving.

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