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Memores acti prudentes futuri

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A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Passive Aggressive Notes
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
"broken" by lovelytheband.

I like that you're broken, broken like me
Maybe that makes me a fool
I like that you're lonely, lonely like me
I could be lonely with you

I heard this on the radio, so I'm guessing it'll get spammed on the air for awhile, but I resonate with it, so I'm sharing it.

There's something very comforting, very connecting, about being with someone else who admits their brokenness and shows you their scars. It's not about being incomplete and finding someone else who completes you; I think it's just that feeling of kinship. Of not being alone in the darkness. Maybe there's also some security in it. I feel like it's easier to lay all your cards on the table with someone else who feels broken. With someone who doesn't... there's always a fear of hurting them or contaminating them, I guess. As if brokenness were an incurable disease that could be contagious. Better to associate only with those who have already caught it than risk spreading it. That's a qualm I have sometimes about certain people... I don't think I come off broken to most people, but the feeling persists, vibrating at my core, an emptiness that dodges my gaze and hides in the peripheral vision of my existence. It doesn't really go away ever, but I don't look at it when I'm feeling happy.

I don't think I'll ever feel whole, but I can always get closer to wholeness than I am already.

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Monday, January 22, 2018
This is a lovely rendition of "Pure Imagination".

"Pure Imagination tribute in memory of Gene Wilder"

I met up with someone from Reddit (my first Redditor!) today. Nothing too eventful about it, but he told me about kalimbas, so I ended up watching a bunch of kalimba videos on Youtube tonight as a result. Yesterday I also met up with someone (he kept calling it a date...) who had reaaaaaaaaally poor boundaries and kept touching me. It was super awkward. Dude was probably at least 6' tall, but he decided to greet me by hugging me under the arms as soon as I met him. He also touched my legs multiple times, picked me up to gauge how much I weighed, touched my bangs/face, and sang "Feed the Birds" from Mary Poppins to some goats, all within the span of an hour. Oh, and he took me for a five minute ride on his motorcycle. I can't really say I had a good reason for going along with all of that, but it happened. At the end of it all, the best thing I could say to him was "Well, meeting you has been interesting." In response, he told me that I was more attractive than he'd expected. So... yeah. There were other weird things that happened that I'm leaving out, but I'm pretty tired, so I'm just going to leave them be for now.

One thing he mentioned that stuck with me was that I seemed confident. I've gotten that from a few different people now. It's weird to think about, but I think I do feel confident. I wonder when that happened? I'm just... not very afraid right now, I guess. Don't think I could have fathomed this version of myself ten years ago, when I was an insecure teenager. I feel... settled in myself, I suppose. At least for now. I've met 44 people from the internet now, so maybe that's given me enough experience to feel at ease meeting new people, haha.

I don't know why I've been feeling so... healthy lately. I don't think it's just good feelings from meeting someone I like. Not to say that that doesn't contribute... but I guess it doesn't seem like that's all of it. I've just been feeling pretty decent overall? Getting back into working out, trying to eat a little better, drinking some vinegar every day... (fruit balsamic vinegar diluted heavily with water, not like... straight white vinegar). Things just feel good. Stable. I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

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There's that giddy feeling
Saturday, January 20, 2018
The warm bubbly excitement of something new has finally arrived. We hung out for uhhhh... something like 17 hours, I think. I kept saying "Oh, I should leave" but neither of us wanted me to, so I ended up staying an extra 4-5 hours.

I felt like we bonded more last night. He told me about some personal experiences I hadn't heard in detail before, and I told him some things I rarely tell people. At least on my side, it felt like we were being open and accepting with each other, and I didn't feel judged or like I was judging him. It's such a comfortable feeling, being around each other.

He said I'm much more smiley in person than my pictures online convey. I wonder if that's true, or if I just smile a lot around him.

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Second day of class
Thursday, January 18, 2018
I was at school from 8:30am to 6pm today, up in the city. Ran to the train station in the rain to get home in time for my weekly videochat with friends.

So far, I'm liking this program about a thousand times more than my last one. The professors have been good, the readings have been interesting and accessible, and I feel comfortable with some of my classmates. Not all of them, mind you, but enough that I'm not stewing in resentment all the time.

Also, for some reason, I've only been sleeping 4-5 hours a night, but I wake up at like 5am and am awake for the whole day. It's weird, but... nice? I guess? I don't know why I have all this energy.

Highlights from the retreat:
-I woke up really early and went hiking by myself in the woods for an hour in the morning on Saturday and Sunday
-Hung out around a hot tub and one girl went full on naked in there O_O
-A classmate who wasn't in my group told me that he felt sad that he had life experiences that weren't shared by anyone
-I never told that classmate what my name was during the retreat and he ended up just calling me Mandy
-I hiked with a guy in my group and felt a vague sense of connection
-Had a bad time on Saturday afternoon/evening and ended up crying a lot once everyone had left
-Super blank emotionally on Sunday, but as I was leaving, the guy I went hiking with called out my name and ran up the stairs to catch me, then asked if he could hug me goodbye. I was a bit startled but I consented, and something about the hug kind of reset my system and I wasn't as blank afterwards

I am slowly getting to know this guy I've been hanging out with.

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What became of it
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
I wrote him a poem. It wasn't my best work, but he found it amusing.

Aaaaaaaaand we might have... cuddled? A little? For several hours?

Ha ha what how did that happen


Things did happen on the retreat as well, but I just... don't feel like writing about any of them at the moment, haha.

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Car talk/laughter
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
I think we've spent at least a couple hours every time we've hung out just sitting in his car and chatting. It's comfortable.

Today while IMing via Discord we started just describing how we were reacting in amusement instead of typing "haha" or "lol" and it was entertaining.

(Talking about theories of why tall guys like short girls)
[11:53 PM] Me: It could also be that from your height, shorter girls have that flattering Myspace angle perspective
[11:53 PM] Him: my mouth didn't open to laugh, but air exited my nostrils at a rate such that there was an audible "whooosh" sort of sound
[11:54 PM] Him: yeah when i hang with you, i feel like i'm interacting with a myspace profile
[11:54 PM] Me: I'm like quietly laughing hard
[11:54 PM] Me: My mirth is audible
[11:55 PM] Him: XD
[11:55 PM] Him: i live to make mirth audible
[11:56 PM] Me: Another hard quiet laugh that slipped into an amused smile
[11:57 PM] Him: a smirk overtook the lower portion of my face, only disappearing after my facial muscles were noticeably tense
[11:59 PM] Me: Low volume laugh that became silent but was still animated, accompanied by closed eyes and holding my hand to my face to steady myself

It felt weird, but the weirdness of it made it funny, I guess? The descriptions gave a lot more personality to the reactions.


I had my orientation for the new school today too. Felt better about it than the last orientation. I'm going on a four day retreat on Thursday for one of my classes, during which I guess we'll be doing intensive group work all day every day, so I might have something to say about that once I get back...

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More hours
Friday, January 5, 2018
Last time, we talked about lending each other books. This time, we did. He picked me up at 11:30 and I brought my copy of The Disaster Artist for him to read. He brought Arsène Schrauwen for me. We went and got falafel, then drove up to Stanford and looked at the art museum there until it closed. We had a compatible way of museum-going, I felt. A good mixture of seriously talking about the art and joking about it. I think my favorite part of the museum was this really dark room that had audio of Neil Armstrong's moon walk playing. The idea was that the darkness would be disorienting and stuff, I guess? We stayed in there for awhile, nervously walking with hands outstretched at first, but once we got a sense of the dimensions of the room, it felt a lot less scary.

After the museum, we got dinner and walked around a mall. It was nice, and we wandered through a few shops, commenting on various items. Went into a trendy pop up underwear store to see whether the underwear was really worth the hefty price tag. He concluded that it might be, because of how soft it was. I'm still not so sure. $16 for one pair... better be amazing at that price. We also went into Williams and Sonoma as they were closing up shop, and pretended to carefully consider which knives to buy. He picked one up and I mentioned that I briefly had the thought, "what if he stabbed me with that?" Later in his car, we joked about asking the employees for their recommendations on which knife would be best to stab someone.

It was raining lightly, and we sat in the car and talked for some time. Through the fogged up, rain-spattered window, the lights outside looked like long arcs. I'd never seen anything like it before.

Now we have made a deal: He will send me a drawing, and I will write a poem about it.

What will come out of this?

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Pleasant few hours
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Met up with someone new tonight. He was cool. Didn't look at his phone the whole time we hung out, which I liked. We met at a cafe around 6, and I didn't think it was going to be super long, so I told my parents I'd be home for dinner. Ended up staying out until like 11:30pm, whoops! I had a good time with him, though. We sat in the cafe until it closed, then got Mexican food from a food truck and ate it in his car and talked for a couple more hours. He was cuter than I was expecting... Unfortunately very tall though. >_> Guh. Gonna make plans to hang out again soon! I'm sad there's no art walk this Friday, or I'd ask him if he wanted to go to that...

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