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So... I turned 26 and I'm not covered by my parents' health insurance anymore... Haven't gotten new insurance yet.

But now I'm sick and we don't have any of my cough syrup left. It's prescription-only because it's codeine-based, since I'm allergic to dextromethorphan.

Just sucking on cough drops for now, wondering when I'll get better. It's been a few days now, and in some ways it seems like it's just slowly getting worse. Really hoping it's not another 5 - 6 week bronchitis episode. I mean, I've gone weeks before without taking medicine or doing anything in particular to relieve symptoms, and this cough I have now isn't horrible, but I'd really like to have the option to take medicine if it gets worse...

Being sick has got me kind of down. I want to be able to go to the gym and work out, not be tired and coughing and sitting around alone at home. Thankfully my mood hasn't tanked yet, but I'm still kind of worried about it. Exercise helps me from dipping below a certain point...

This song made me laugh earlier.

"This Guy's A Stalker" by Foamy the Squirrel.

I don't really like the angry/ranting tone of most of Neurotically Yours anymore, but some of the music is still nice.

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"Bigmouth Strikes Again" by The Smiths.



My weekly video call with friends ended up being three hours this time, but it was nice. Sean joined the call because we used Google Hangouts instead of Skype, and that definitely extended the amount of time we all talked. Fro talked a lot about wedding planning, which is understandable considering her wedding is next year. I'm happy and excited for her, but also a little sad that I didn't really have much to say about wedding stuff. Becka is already married, so she had her wedding, but Vicky was talking about how she wanted her wedding to be, as was Sean, to some degree. I guess I never thought I'd be the only single one in my friend group, but here I am. My mom knows I've been feeling kind of bummed out about this, and she's been somewhat sympathetic... She tried to reassure me by saying I might meet someone once I'm up in the city for school. Maybe, but I don't know. Suppose it's possible, but I feel very invisible out in the world, and I can't really imagine someone taking notice and approaching me. I think that's part of why I've tended to meet my boyfriends online... In person it feels like I'm just fading into the background, but online I come off more interesting.

In better news... Finally sent in the basic application to the grad school I'm hoping to go to in the spring. I still need to write my autobiographical statement and my goal statement, though. I guess I have tomorrow and maybe Saturday to do that. The basic application was giving me a lot of anxiety, but I guess I was able to scale that wall today to submit it. Mostly though, I was scrambling to turn it in because one of the people I asked for a letter of recommendation turned it in the day after I asked, which was not at all what I was expecting, and so I felt rushed to submit everything else as well.

There's such a contrast between how easy things feel sometimes. This application thing was stressing me out for a long time, but today I was able to do it without feeling so overwhelmed. I mean, I'm not completely done yet, but still.

I'm still sick, which is maybe contributing to my being able to eat more (that's my best guess, anyway). So... that's... good? Except I can't work out, because I'm sick, which is dumb. Didn't go to Turbo Kick tonight. : I've only been to the gym one day this week and I feel discontent with that. Gotta get well though...

So, it's been a productive day, I guess, what with the application thing. I feel good about that. Tomorrow after work I'm going with my mom to an art museum, so hopefully that will be fun.

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The Santa Rosa fires are raging, and the smoke has been making its way down here. Today the sky was grey, and everything smelled like smoke. Even in my room, with the windows closed, I could smell it, and I was getting a headache from it.

When I went to work, the sun was hanging low in the sky, and it was a deep, dark orange. I don't know if I've ever seen it that color before, and it was hard not to stare.

---

I felt troubled by my dream last night. I don't really want to describe what happened in it in depth, but the main thing was that I felt a lot of anxiety in it, and I woke up feeling confused and uncomfortable.

"No Matter What You're Told" by Broken Bells.

So you're picking up signs
You're scared you might be losing your mind
And all the hopes of any shot you've got
Are leaving you behind
You're making light of this, I know
And it's a shame
That your silly sentimental heart is to blame

We'll blow all our chances thinking we know
All the answers, and so it goes
With all the changes, nothing changes
No matter what you're told

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So this is cool:

"Line Rider - Mountain King"

Woke up with a sore throat and veeeeeeery sore calves. I think I am sick.

Initially I woke up around 8 AM, but felt super tired still and went back to sleep until 12:40 or so. Got up, made some pasta, ate, felt tired again, went back to sleep around maybe... 3? I'm not sure. Woke up a couple hours later though, and felt like I was starving.

So... that seems good for my appetite, at least. I had a pita sandwich (spinach, carrots, hummus, feta) at first, which surprisingly wasn't enough, so then I had cheese toast a bit later.

I've been kind of stiffly waddling around because it hurts to walk normally. Sort of a cross between Frankenstein's monster and a penguin, if I had to guess how I look.

Played a really good incremental game that led me down a rabbit hole of educational games/interactive experiences in general. This article was interesting.

I feel like I've been absorbing interesting information today, which has been nice. I didn't really "do" much other than read, but I feel okay with myself.

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I made it out to the gym tonight even though I wasn't really feeling like going. Ran a mile and did CSI. In CSI we did this awful exercise where you have to hold your arms straight out to your sides at shoulder height and make small movements with them for a very long time. It doesn't seem like it would be a big deal, but it's rather painful. Then again, my arm strength isn't what it used to be...

Wasn't sure how much I was going to feel up to doing, because my throat has a little scratchy soreness to it and I'm not sure if I'm getting sick. When you start working with kids, you usually get sick within the first few weeks, until you get adjusted to everyone's germs. Might be happening to me.

Was listening to this music earlier and it was very soothing.

"Ciela's Parting Words"

It reminds me of falling asleep under the covers on a cold and rainy day...

Sadness came back to me for a bit today, but mostly I'm still kind of feeling nothing.

---

In a way I'm kind of relieved that I'm a digital hoarder, because back in 2012 or so, someone in the chatroom I used to go to linked me to a document that I wanted to find again, and luckily I still have it in my folders. It's 40 pages long, so it's probably going to take a little time to read, but I'm hoping that it will give me some insight that helps me. The guy who shared it said it helped him, which is encouraging...

---

On Saturday I did a photoshoot with Fro at the rose garden. It was fun, but I'm a little nervous about the results. She was happy with the pictures she took, but she wanted to wait until she touched them up to show me anything, so I have no idea how any of it came out. I don't really have any experience modeling, so I wasn't sure what to do or if my expressions were awkward... So far she's shown me one work-in-progress and I feel like I look wistful in it. Fro said that was good, though. I guess I'll have to trust her judgement.

After the photoshoot, we went and got Jamba Juice. Mine was free because Jamba Juice gives you a free small smoothie for your birthday. Amusingly enough, Fro and I got the same smoothie, which I found out when she got her order. Greens 'n Ginger is the way to go. We sat outside and talked for awhile, then got lunch at Sweet Tomatoes... I didn't really eat as much as I normally would, but still managed to eat a lot compared to my protein-bar-as-a-sad-meal-substitute diet recently. I know I shouldn't eat 210 calorie protein bars instead of meals, but it's been very hard to work up the appetite or motivation to eat more than that. Sometimes it's all I can do to choke down the bar. Yesterday I tried to eat a big breakfast (three eggs with cheese on two pieces of multigrain toast) and almost made myself sick trying to finish it. After that I couldn't bring myself to eat any more until around 5pm. My reasoning was that getting a head start on consuming calories might make it so that I could eat more throughout the day, but nope... it just wiped out my appetite. I'm having to fight my body to eat more than 1200 calories most days...

There are some days when I wonder if it's worth struggling against, and if I should just give in and not eat for awhile. If I weren't going to the gym regularly, I feel like I probably would just do that. Unfortunately I do need the energy to not pass out at the gym. It's also nice to not get cold in 80 degree weather, I guess.

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I didn't know what 'abrogado' meant or if it was even a real word, but I had it in my head, so that's what I titled this entry. Apparently in Spanish it means repealed, or invalidated.

Possibly another factor in my mood is that I haven't had a phone for awhile. Going on a couple weeks now, I think. It doesn't really feel different. Fro and my mom are the only ones who ever really call me, and I don't have a boyfriend to keep in touch with at the moment, so I don't have much need for a phone.

This amused me in that almost-imperceptible-smile way.


It's funny, you know? Coming across a lot of stuff that I think would normally make me feel sad, but instead of feeling sad I just feel nothing.

I don't really feel happy, or excited, or good, but I also don't feel bad or depressed, exactly.

Just... nothing. There's a sort of solidity to it, as if I'm made of glass and no feelings can penetrate me. I can sense depression at my edges, but it isn't coming through.

I guess I do feel disappointed in a way, but it's on the fringes too, and it's not centered in me, I'm just getting it in my peripheral vision.

---

I know I've posted this song before, but I guess I'm revisiting my old music more than finding new music right now.

"No Turning Back" by Gui Boratto.

I can say the most wonderful words you just don't understand
I can show you the way but I know that you'll never be there

A lot of thoughts and memories wrapped up in this song.

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