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If only I had wings . . . by invisible @ NuTang.com
Life on Standby
Saturday. 6.26.10 8:00 pm
So.. my airplane was kind of shot out of the sky. It has fallen to the ground with a firey rage and my mind can't seem to wrap around the concept it's gone. There are no fire fighters to come extinguish the flame. However, I know it can't burn forever.

My life feels like it's on overdrive and on standby. So many things are happening at once. Yet, so many things aren't happening. My thoughts are collapsing in and it's hard to think straight about anything. The written images I've created to ease the craziness of my mind are fading away and I want the real thing. I want it more than anything in this world. I think about it all day and dream of it all night.

I think I can officially say I've gone crazy.
I guess true love can do that to you...

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Looking for Airplanes
Friday. 6.25.10 6:13 pm
Don't you sometimes wish you could disappear?

If I did I'm not to sure many people would miss me or notice I was gone. Yes, family and family friends would feel the absence of my presence. However, in this situation they would understand.

It feels so good to be home. Florida is where I belong.. for now

The weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders to fall right back on with different circumstances. Life changing events are in my near future, and if I play my cards right my fairytale ending will be perfect. If only I could speed things up and disappear. It is very possible, but messing with the plan could have consequences.

Should I make my wish tonight? Stare into this starless sky praying for my wish to shoot across the darkness... How would this affect my daughter? She is 7 month old and starting to notice the world in new ways every day. It would be better for us in so many ways. But, seeing things with no negative aspects worries me. Maybe I'm just not use to being happy and complete. For the fisrt time those missing puzzle pieces have found they're way to my heart. I've never felt complete untill now. Even when I swore I was happy with my life. I was lieing to the ones around me. I was lieing to myself...

So whats to lose? I could take my chances. The thought of this change makes me smile. I think I've found my airplane tonight.

I want to disappear...

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Cherish Life
Sunday. 5.3.09 10:31 am
So.. I moved to N. Myrtle Beach S.C.. It's not as bad as I thought it would be... At first.

A couple weeks before our scheduled move, Something wasn't right. People always say a woman always know if somethings up with their body.. right? Being diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Disease late last year, I thought nothing of it. I'm infertal.. that's what the doctor said. Sure enough, just for giggles I tested myself 2 days before our planned move. 2 test comfirmed positive, I'm pregnant. Fear and happiness flooded my body, and I ran from the bathroom into my lovers arms to deliver the knews. We are both very excited, anxious, scared, nervous, hell like any couple would be. Basicly, we are eagerly expecting!

The move us their was a pain. My V.W. Beetle broke down back in late February, and will cost thousands of dollars to fix (stupid timing belt). However, Jeff's step-father came to pick us up in his new Escalade Truck... thing, and we started our adventure to S.C.. Jeff (my "hubby") K.C. (best friend of ours), and I all made it up here and settled in. Mom (Jeff's mom) has a cute little house in the very back of a huge neighborhood/Golf resort called Barefoot Landing. Jeff, K.C. and I were living in the house to his mother, step-father, and cousin temorarily untill we found stable jobs and a nice apartment. Things were going great!

About 2 days after we arrived the roads filled with smoke. There was a small brush fire somewhere far, far away and the wind had carried the smoke into town. We all laughed and joked about it all day long. However, another days goes by and the fire is getting stronger and larger every minute. Tuesday night it seems close.. We could see the beautiful shades of orange and pink and few miles away, and all we did was joke and take pictures. Later, we all settled into bed, and just in case mom called this fire hotline thing the county made for evacuations. The voice recording over the phone said "All evacuations have been lifted in N. Myrtle Beach area.". Hearing this she fell asleep soundly with the rest of us. At about 1:45am, the comfy air matteress Jeff and I were sleeping on was flipped over and mom screamed "GET UP!!! NOW". I look up at here and she said "The fire.." I, of course, laughed and asked for the time. I was instructed to take here to work at 5:30 the same morning. She told me to look our the back sliding glass door, so I did. And when I opened the door.... to my horror flames were shooting over 150 ft. into the air in the woods behind the house. The wooden fense that seperated us from a tiny dirt road and the woods was already on fire and speading into the yard.

Somehow my wallet ended up in my hand. I don't remember grabing it. I started screaming "Wheres my phone?!" like an idiot. A family friend that had beeing staying over grabbed me and started pushing me out of the living room screaming "Get out! Forget about it!". Mandy (cousin), and I could be heard screaming through the house and everyone was scrambling to get to the door. I was one of the first to get to the door.. and when I looked outside suddenly the house seemed much safer the out there. K.C. pushed me out the door into hell. Glowing red embers were raining out of the sky, and winds were 30mph with gusts of 45mph. The roar of the fire was enough to make your heart stop in fear. Neighbooring houses were catching fire around us and everyones yards were on fire. The smoke was so thick it was hard to breathe. I turned to look behind me and fireballs were shooting out of the flames from the wind and destroying everything in it's path. by the time K.C., Mandy, and I were outside the house had already caught fire. Everyone else was still inside. Mom's room was catching fire from the inside and she had to leave with nothing... there was no choice. The family friend had grabbed Mandy's kitten, and when we all got into the truck it dawned on us, the dog was still in the garage. Jeff dashed inside because the garage door had been broken and very hard to open. The living room was already on fire when he ran inside. He got the dog in the truck and mom drove out of the driveway. We had to leave Jeff's '92 cadillac because we couldn't find the keys. Falling debry was everywhere, still on fire, and mom had to stop to push some off the truck so it wouldn't catch fire. You couldn't see your hand infront of you from the smoke. By the grace of God mom could barely see the road and made it out.

We had no warning, and 5 people perished in the fire (which the county will not admit). The N. Myrtle Beach fire station is in the barefoot landing resort.. and they didn't even go to the back of the neighboorhood to make sure everyone got out or to try and stop the fire. They started knocking on the front neightboorhood doors warning people, and eventually made they're way half way through the neighborhood and stopped. By that time it was too late.

What does this mean?? LAW SIUTS OUT THE ASS!!! Horry (pr. Or-ee) county is beyond dead and buried at this point. The way they handled the fire and the situation was completely wrong. And they will pay for it. We all lost everything and have to start over new. Red cross was a pain in the ass because they just couldn't find the time to help us untill the very end. GRR..

However, mom and Steve have already found a beautiful home just outside of Myrtle Beach, and we are starting our lives over. When Jeff, K.C. and I get back on our feet, we will once again, try to move into our own apartment. My mom is sending some info so I can get health insurance so I can afford to see a doctor. I have not had an appointment since my pregnancy, and im not sure how far along I am or anything at all..

In the end, the family is getting stronger everyday. A KOA campground gave us a cabin to stay in for two weeks for free (thanks to grandma and grandpa) and today is our last day. Redcross hooked us up with a condo untill the house we will be moving into is ready. AND!!! an interior designer heard our story and is going to get her crew to completely interior design the house. It's gonna be like one of those T.V. shows you always wish you could be on but know it'll never happen. Camera crews and the ABC news will be there to see our reaction when we see the newly designed house for the first time. It's going to be amazing!

Through the horror I know God has been here with us, and I can agree that when he closes one door, he always opens another one. The family is growing stronger from the experience, and Mom says everyday "We're gonna make it through". And I know we are. I thank God everyday for waking mom up that night and getting us out of there. If it wasn't for Him and mom, I probably wouldn't be typing the right now.

Life is awsome, cherish every minute. And never forget.. God can give you the world in a second, or take it away from you just as fast.

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Rotten Eggs
Thursday. 7.3.08 1:11 am

Things have been picking up. Meeting new people.. New realtionship.. It's all been fun.. I'm rarely home. I leave in the late morning and come back when everyones asleep. I've just been out with friends having a good time where ever we end up. I broke up with Tim a couple weeks ago. Things just weren't working out.. it wasn't ment to be... It's a sad story.. shitty situation.. but everythings getting better now.

I went to get an ultra sound on my uterus.. They discovered my eggs are all... retarded... I'm dreading the thought of not being able to have kids. My overies are swelling and I'm constantly getting random sharp pains.. Things aren't to great in that department.. but what can I do in a situation like this? Just sit and wait.

I got the 1st gadasil shot out of 3. Those vaccines for cervical cancer.. Wow.. they hurt like a bitch. It's not the shot... you can poke me with needles, I don't care. It's the sudden burst of pain as the medication is ever so slowly being injected into your arm. It feels like someone punched you with all their might. There pressure as tho someone it sqeezing your muscle tissue from the inside. This leads to sorness and a weird.. tingly sensation. Wow... That sounds kinda dirty...

Anyway.. This is just another random update. I'm going on a date tomorrow XD! This is the "new relationship" part of things getting better. I'm happy with the way things are going right now. I just hope it doesn't screw up.. But I have a feeling it will. =(

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Wrong Place at the Right Time
Thursday. 6.19.08 12:04 am

The day is brand new, and im standing in the middle of the road staring at my friend in handcuffs. What a way to officially start the day! They put him in the car, ran some info on other friends involved.. and I just stood there dumbfounded. I was in the wrong place at the right time... everyone leaves... it really happend.. hes going to jail for the stupidest reason and theres nothing I can do about it. I make it home in quite and emotional state. I sit is the drive way trying to collect myself..

He told me to keep his phone.. and it begins to ring in the passenger seat. It's his step father saying his mother can get the money to bail him out, but no way to get it to him.. I was asked to do it, I was their only hope. I was a useless friend that was worried sick that suddenly became the only hope to get him out as soon as possible.

I stayed up all night.. no sleep.. I didn't give up, i'll do whatever it takes to get him out. I stayed at the county jail running back and fourth trying to find a way. waiting impaciently.. and yet I still left. 6am, over six hours after this war began.. and i need to sleep. The money was in it would just take a couple hours to discharge him. I go to his house and crash in his room, only to wake up to his voice over the phone. His mother offers to get him and I once again try to sleep... only to wake up to his voice shortly after when he arrives home.

The day went well. Fun times, fun friends, funny jokes.. all after a shitty situation.

Go to work at 5pm.. get off early at 8:10pm.

It's all good till I come to anothers house. another arguement... what a suprise...

I leave and go back to his house where hes sleeping. but our friend that lives with him is awake. He makes me smile and cheers me up. I ended the night laughing with a friend ^.^ It was nice. No.. it was amazing.

Then.. 11:59pm. I stare at the digital clock remenicing on everything that happened today. It'll all be over in less than a minute. The clock strickes 12am and I have a sudden wave overcome me. The comforting recognition that it is officially a new day.
Yesterday is now nothing but a memory...
Life goes on.

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Sunday. 6.15.08 12:15 pm
So... It's summer! I think it's time for an update!!!!

My family life is.. meh. The sister moved out and lives with 3 other friends about 15 minutes away. Nothing to big with the parents. Mom still acts the same. Dad has backed off a bit. Things have been ok.

My friends are... gone! ha ha. Well.. most of them are. I don't associate with many of them anymore. and I really couldn't care less. Yes, I will miss the good times with certain people which were once the ones that held my life together. But times change... we all move on. I've been hangin out with others that I never really thought I'd be sitting around with in varied places have an amazing time. Things are pretty fun. Late nights, well.. every night lol. Things have been fun with new and old friends.

School has been out for a few weeks now.. It's weird to think it's over... No more school. No more waking up ealy every morning to go to "hell". We'd all rather be sleeping, getting high, or at the beach with friends. Whatever your choice of entertainment was.. you'd much rather be doing. Now, I look back and think of all the things I did. Would I change anything? Maybe my freshman year I would have stepped it up a bit. But, skipping with friends, sneaking around.. I wouldn't change for the world. College is just around the corner.. but for now I'll enjoy summer.

My love life has been... amazing? I'm not sure if that's the right word. Seems a bit of an understatement. But yeah, you get it. Tim and have been together for... (thinks) I think 2 months today lol. Not long at all.. However, we've grown close in such a short time ^.^ I'm not saying "he's the one". Theres just something about him. I think this is going to be a long happy relationship. I can't wait to see what the future brings.

My life set aside from everything has been good. I've been much happier and my mind is seeming to agree with things and settling down a bit. Every once in a while I'll act up and things will seem a bit chaotic.. but I've kept it to myself rather well. Life is good. I'm a bit confused and a little scared about failing in life and becoming nothing like my parents said... I just hope I can prove them wrong. Thats the one thing that's kinda been bummin' me out. But, I try not to think about it. Life is good. No.. it's great :)

Work has been a mess. Fatboy's is screwing me over.. and I need to find a new job. don't get many hours at the field.. which is kinda killing me.... but I might talk to my boss about getting more hours. Hopefully I can find a job to take the place of fatboys. I was hoping I'd stay around food and beverage.. but I might have to venture out a bit and look for any job. I'll see what happens. I'm blessed to have to jobs as it is.. I just hope things are ok.. I'm kinda broke >.<

I think thats it. I'll randomly update again soon.

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Wednesday. 5.21.08 10:14 pm
Life is good.


It's amazing

So this week is the last week of highschool for me.. and i already screwed it up! lol. I was caught using my cell phone and now have in school suspension tomorrow and Saturday school the day before my graduation ceremony. LOL! Only I would screw things up. Gotta go with a bang!

[Saturday school is where you have to show up at school at 7:50 am and remain there for 2 hours picking up trash around the school. I've never done it before.. so I don't quite know how it works... but meh... I'd might as well get in trouble the last moment lol.]

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Sleep??? Whats that?!
Saturday. 4.26.08 9:34 am
So... I have two jobs now XD

I currently still work at the fatboys located in Kissimme NOT St. Cloud.. and now I'm back at the field. The land that was used for the old paintball field is currently renivated by a new company. My boyfriend has been working there for a little while now.. and whe would mention me working at the old field. They were excited to hear about a female ref and contacted me for an interview. I talking to the head ref and he says I'm on!! XD! The only thing that sucks is they're only open on the weekends and I work Saturday morning/afternoon at Fatboys. SO! I'm trying to work something out with management about my schedule for both jobs. I start at the field tomorrow! I'm so excited. I just hope it works out having two jobs. I mean A girl that worked at fatboys had THREE jobs and was just fine. One of them being Disney World, and they're scheduling is crazy...

The past two weeks have been the best. Last week My chorus went to NYC and sang in Carnegie Hall!!! it was a once in a lifetime experience and I wouldn't change it for Hawaii or China. This week I was in Daytona Beach for Our choral state compatition thing.. And 5 of the 6 chiors I'm in got straight superiors!!! Womens pop [a show chior] didn't do so well.... But it was AMAZING!

But right now I have a pile of make-up work to do and don't have much time to talk.. its 9:43 and I have to be at work a 2pm where I'll stay till probably 9pm. The I have to be at the field tomorrw at 9am and will remain there till about 6pm .

Woot! I'm not sleeping for the next 48 hours! >.<

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