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Thursday. 12.4.08 6:17 pm
v. hoped, hop·ing, hopes

v. intr.

To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.
Archaic To have confidence; trust.
v. tr.

To look forward to with confidence or expectation: We hope that our children will be successful.
To expect and desire. See Synonyms at expect.
A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.
Something that is hoped for or desired: Success is our hope.
One that is a source of or reason for hope: the team's only hope for victory.
often Hope Christianity The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help.
Archaic Trust; confidence.

[Middle English hopen, from Old English hopian.]
hop'er n.

So, I got a library card awhile ago. With that I've been reading. Mostly comic books, but the other kind as well. The kind that are big and bulky and announce to the world "I have ideas and other worlds stored away in here". At least that's what they say to me. The books, not the people.

The last two I've read have left dents. Not big ones, no. Tiny ones that can only be seen when you shine the light in a certain direction. "The Year of Living Biblically" by A.J. Jacobs has reached the higher ranks of my list. It was....well, inspired. It's not what you think either. A book written by an agnostic jewish man has perhaps restored a little bit of my faith - whatever it is. Julie and Julia is the one i'm in now. I don't know who it's by, my book is resting on the table and if i move from this exact spot on the bed i lose internet connection. But, it's about a woman who is stuck. She's married, she's living in a crappy apartment, and she hates her job. Her life isn't what it thought it was going to turn out like. So, she decides to go through Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" in one year. She'll cook everything. Through it she finds discovery and self worth. A little "Chick Flick-y" i'm told but at the moment, i.don't.care.

I also talked to Carlos today. A friend from High School, we went through college the college experience together via telephone. He went off to Notre Dame and I went off to UNT. They both had their ups and downs. Since he's been graduated (July) he hasn't even applied for any kind of job yet. He has been staying at home taking care of the house. That's alot of tuition money that is currently doing laundry for a family of 6. That's not the case however. The call started about the movie/book Twilight. It quickly spiraled, as usually does with friends. He's proud of me and wishes he was in my place. That stopped me cold. Cold. He wishes he was in my place? I still haven't gradauated and am living check to check. But he does. He called it "trecking my own path". I told him how i'm sometimes jealous of other people's more normal paths. He retaliated with "yeah, but how normal is that?". I felt....proud. I felt humbled. I felt regenerated. (the nap may have helped) It also just plain felt nice to know that I really am not alone. I mean, I know i'm not the only one going through it - but it always seems like i am you know? Maybe you don't.

I guess I'd lost sight a little bit. I was so focused on the now that I forgot why or what it is I was doing.

I'm going home in 2 1/2 weeks. I'll be home for Christmas. My bed, my streets, my yard, my old haunts. It'll all be so familiar. It'll be home.

(It'll also be riddled with relatives so if the next time I write I don't sound this happy about being home - that'll be why. lol)

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Friday. 11.21.08 1:17 pm
So, the Polar Express opens tonight. I hope it's busy. It's better when it's busy.

Things that have happened?
I'm mostly unpacked with only 2 small pink plastic crates eluding placement.
I finally set up Jaden's cushion. He is v. happy.
I might have gotten a second job. Now comes the task of seeing if i actually got it, and if i actually want it.
Elessar257 got a job! He's a teacher at a community center. He has his own office. The green eyed monster has reared his head.
Paul got a job. Movie Tavern. I shall never pay for cinematic entertainment again!
I may get a raise at work. WOOOOO!
Our cupboard is bare.

Ah, the follies of trying to live on your own. I can't wait till Christmas.

I suppose this wasn't a very informative or deep entry. I just felt the need to write. There's alot more going on between the lines, but I can't even make any of it out yet - and they're my lines.

I do know that I am hungry. And that Elessar is at Salt Grass for a Meeting. *squity eyes*

I might pick something up.
I might not.
We'll see where it goes.

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Titles elude me
Sunday. 11.9.08 11:10 am
I just had a dream. When I SAY just. I mean almost literally. I swung out of bed, and ran to the computer to write it down.

He was in it. I haven't dreamed of him in years. I haven't thought of him in even longer. Well, that's partly a lie - but no thoughts that hold any weight, and that disqualifies them.

Kelly (my best friend since 6th grade and appereant sex pot in the eyes of anyone who has recordable amounts of testoserone) and I were at a department store. We were laughing and having a grand ole time. I bought a shirt for 29 cents and she was making chili relleno in the cooking section of the store. lol. Then....somehow....we got trapt in this room. Where the ceiling kept rising and falling; and he was in there. As we made pleasant converstion I couldn't help but keep getting freaked out with the ceiling. Then (and this next part I remember as clear as if it had actually happened) I started to freak out and saw flashes of blood rushing down a flight of stairs like a waterfall. I knew I couldn't take it anymore. I ran out of the room dragging the two of them with me. She had left her belongings back inside the creepy room - but as she was still talking to him I ran inside to get them and ran back out. No harm done, right? Well, when I got back out of the room the two of them are lying in a bed together. He invites me in but since I'm so shy around him I try my best not to get too close to him and thusly stay on the VERY edge of the bed (people have told me I sometimes get too close to people). They're still talking. They kiss. They kiss again. They start making out. She breaks away and starts on this sob story that her boyfriend (the one from HS) doesn't really love her and how on June 6th she's going to be hurt. He's all full of woe for her and starts to comfort her and promptly begins to make out with her once again.

I woke up feeling mixed. First of all, hurt. Which is slightly weird. I mean, it's just a dream, right? I mean, currently she's in Harlengin with her boyfriend of 3 years as a chior teacher and he's out in California as a trombone jazz player. They haven't seen each other in nearly as long as I have. Secondly, worried. I haven't dreamt of Kelly in a long time and she was sad....I texted her to see how she's doing already. Thirdly....WTH?! What was THAT all about? It felt different from a normal dream and the fact that I can remember it in such detail is eviedent of that fact.

*sigh* or, perhaps this is what I get for eating half a bowl of Mac n' Cheese before I go to bed. In either case, it felt worth documenting. So....here it is. Documented.

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Sunday. 11.2.08 8:17 pm
I'm alone in my living room with a pizza in the oven and Extreme Home Makeover on the tv.

We talked at Subway. I was asked if I was depressed. I answered before I even thought about so I suppose the answer is yes. Well, after a 2 hour conversation I have plenty to chew on.

I didn't go to Church today. Not just WOF but any church. I stayed home and did....well, nothing. I tried to find a job online, but that's about it. I didn't talk to anyone and I did nothing productive. I can't even distract myself with cleaning properly. I don't know why I didn't go. I guess in the end I just didn't want to see....anyone. But I felt.....missing as well. I suppose I'm not toally dead on the inside.

Well, that wasn't a totally EMO statment was it?...lol.
I don't even know when all this started. I think the first domino was last December. When I flunked out for the second time. Everything that has preceeded that event has....well, not been good. Even the few good things that have actually made me happy....well, in the end they've either a)made no one but me happy or b) have caused severe loss or pain to others and myself. I'm so confused. I'm happy where I'm at even though it isn't the "best" place and things are going to be really tough for awhile. I'm....happy. I feel GOOD when I wake up in the morning. But I feel as if I'm so alone in this feeling and that brings my spirits to the lowest of lows. My happiness brings others sadness. How twisted am I? I'm tired of feeling alone.

Church has been making me sad. Even talk of God has been causing me to tear up. I talked to him this morning though. I laid in bed, opened all my windows and got on my knees and prayed. I've lost Him. I'm confused and worried and I don't want to be a bad person. But, I don't want to give up the few good things that I have. Even if they don't really want me in return. I'm tired of feeling alone.

Perhaps this is all me. Perhaps this is nothing but a problem of perception. Perhaps these past few months have permanently damanged me - if not physically then mentally. Perhaps I'm broken. Perhaps I am that tea cup that I heard about except I got tipped over and now i'm chipped. Would anyone really want a broken tea cup? How many artists keep their defunked work?

I'm really trying, you know? But it never really seems to be enough. Some people can go off and be completely happy by themselves. That's not to say that I can't...but I don't really want to be alone. I'd have no trouble going on vacation by myself...but if you have no one to share that with....then why? It's the same reason I won't cook if I don't really have anyone to cook for. I just want to be around someone. Not the same someone forever and ever (well, not yet) but as for now I just want to be around people. I want to share experiences, movies, shows, food, laughter, jokes, news, family, holidays...everything.

I want my happiness to be ok. I don't want to feel judged for my sliver of happiness. I keep it under lock and key now, in the upper regions of my emotional bookshelf. Someone I know that's there but never really go near.

I'm just ranting.

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