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After a while you can
Wednesday. 5.19.04 10:13 pm
Make yourself
Believe in almost anything
So I'm making myself believe in you

Saves the day, Yet again. I'm thinking of switching over to some Feeling Left out, maybe Mista, whatever..

Bad day.

Very bad day.

Failed my driving test AGAIN, this time for not backing up in ' a straight enough line' as my teacher would put it. I hate sears driving school.. you make one mistake, you automaticly fail...

So, what's on my mind.. Letssee..

A few days left of school, and I've already set my plan of isolating myself from most everybody into motion. For the past few months, I've stopped having conversations with Sarah during my math class, and I've started to skip hanging out with my football teammates during my A-day lunches. Instead, I go to the library and read. Only people I really talk to now are people who're probably moving next year, like this big asian guy named Sean or Anthony Solines. I've started ignoring Michelle too, thanks to Antonia's advice.

At the beginning of the year, we used to walk to our first period classes together.. then a few months ago she found something/someone more worth her time so she stopped walking with me. BUT, Every other day she'd stop by my first period class so that we could walk around the school together.. Pero, today I just looked at her and turned around when I saw her because I figure I'm not going to be all that close to her next year.

I won't be all that close to anyone next year hopefully.

'cause people suck and they ALWAYS seem to ruin my day. Especially her ^^. And my driving instructor. I wanted to rip off her wig and expose her shaquelle o'neal scalp. And um, all of my teachers suck too, except for ms tomlinson. She gave me a radio today, so I love her..

I also love Antonia Irizarry, and Brittany Moffit and Randy Sumtinorother, 'just 'cause they're going through the same stuff I am right now, and the four of us don't deserve it. I can't speak for the other three, but me? I'm too cool for this BS. There should be a law that says ' cool people ( NAMELY JON ) shouldn't experience angst, pain, worry, or emberassment.. if he does, then the inflictor will be sentanced to AIDS. '

Damnit, People.. they're just liek gravity, always trying to keep Jon down.

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My gut is burning:
Tuesday. 5.18.04 9:58 pm
Won't you find me some water?
Hey, just forget it, could you bring me gasoline?
Collect a couple forks, hold them three feet apart
Wait for lightning to strike to burn me up.
'cause I don't think I've got the stomach to stomach calling you today.

Saves the Day - See you. That new CD of theirs.. In reverie? I don't like it :(. Stay what you are is my favorite, and Through Being cool had some good things I think.. my second favorite was I'm sorry I'm leaving though, 'cause it's just .. 'ya know, beautiful. I love the lyircs the most, and Chris has an okay voice.. I like the guy from Steel Train's voice too, and their lyrics. My favorite lyricist would have to be Tupac though. THe lyrics where he actually raps about important stuff.

Speaking of importnat things, I've got to re-take my driving test tommorow.. I'm don't wanna though. I'm worried I'll fail it again, and then have to retake it again and pay 45 dollars :(.

Driving sucks.

And so does school. One more week and I'm gone for the summer..

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I had a thought, then I had to write it down..
Monday. 5.10.04 10:28 pm
Living life as a born loser Living in a world that I didn't choose. Petay Pablo. Even though ' Freak-a-leek ' is his song released to the mainstreme, some of his other stuff is pretty deep. Mostly the recordings from his first album.. RIght now, I'm listening to ' Diary of a Sinner ' by him, and about to change from the hip-hop portion of my playlist to the.. Emo? part. Senses Fail - Bloody Romance. Today.. Hmph. Don't remember much, like usual.. I remember watching this movie in spanish class that had really good latin music, aswell as learning about girls from Samantha in science class.. I remember reading Pablo Neruda Poetry at lunch, and running through people at football practice.. Only in Tejas, will you get football practice year long. We can't even have pads 'cause of some staterule, but that won't stop the head coach from making us kill one another til the final bell rings. After school.. I remember almost gagging at the sight of Sarah and Bryan molesting one another. They'r eboth really happy people, and people like that suck. Know who else sucks? caitlin, but only because I love her.. and.. yeah, iwontwriteabouther.

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It's hard to get by with
Sunday. 5.9.04 9:12 pm
Just a smile.
Ooh, baby baby,
it's a wild world.
And I'll always remember you
Like a child, girl.

Today was pretty good.. Woke up kind'a later than usual, and talked to my mom for a few minutes while my sisters were making her breakfast ( French toast, omlets, nasty stuff like that. )

Made my own breakfast later on, ( I make the best pancakes. Period. ) and left with my mom to her friend's church, as a gift for 'er. Neither of my sisters would get out of the house to go with her, and my dad is still in Nigeria for a few more days.

Met a prophetess at church, and got some cake. I enjoyed the prophetess' words abit more than the cake though. I hope her lesson'll stay with me.

Talked to Antonia today.. 'twas nice. Also got to talk to Loroz about her and the drugs she does now. I wish she wouldn't smoke.. I wish no one would smoke, actually. Mainly because of what it did to my dad, but that's another entry.

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A saint never ever suffers less than a sinner.
Sunday. 5.9.04 12:20 am
Spell it out
I still believe.

This week hasn't been the greatest.. failed my driving test on Tuesday, I think.

'Twas driving down the road, old woman next to me said " Turn left at stop sign. ".. So, I slowly came to a stop, and then turned my signal before I got to the sign, and she failed me for not turning the signal on before stopping.

So.. 'ya know, I was confronted with a problem. I could've A) Accepted the fate, and taken my test all over again after a week or two of practice..

OR, I could'a taken a page from Dave Chapelle's book and, 'ya know..

kept it real

Normally, I'm not a violent person toward women. Only time I raise my fists are during a football game, and then I've got pads on and the likes.. But that day..

I didn't keep it real, so rather than going on a murder spree, I si mply drove recklessly back to some parking lot and walked out of the car, turned the corner to the nearest 7-11 and proceeded to cry for a half hour.

Alright, not really. I went home, and listened to MSI until I started to reign supreme once again.

Unified china a couple times under Sun Jian's forces this week, too..

And talked to that.. girl .. pfft.

That girl = Caitlin. Isabella. Girl with the purdy eyes. She's killing me, thus I shant write about her now.

Not yet, atleast.

I like Bubba Sparxxx' music. Aswell as Kanye West.. I recently got the Twista CD, and I don't really like it.. only about two or three songs that does not sound like most of today's rap scene. ( 'Ya know, money, sex, bitches. ) Kanye's was really deep, though.. so is Bubba.

And.. yeah. I'm gonna' go unify china again.

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Hold my hand, just one more time.
Wednesday. 4.28.04 10:32 pm
I got nothin' to write about..

Okay, I do, but not enough time.

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' Goodluck. Don't screw it up :) '
Tuesday. 4.20.04 9:59 pm
Hope it hurts to watch me go.
But, enough about me.

Today.. today went by in a blur. I don't remember anything about it clearly, besides my last period of school. My journalism teacher gave me back my first roll of film that she did for me. She didn't like most of my pictures because I took them of objects ( Rocks, trees, and tables. ) rather than people. She liked two of them, one of a guy mowing the lawn inside/outside of our school ( WEird to explain ), and another of the sidewalk. Half of it was light, the other half was in shadow, and ther ewas like a vertical line seperating them.

I thought it was beautiful. Apparently, she did too.. but

" Journalism is about people, and events, and stories. Not sidewalks, trees, and benches. "

After school.. I waited for my sister as usual, while listening to musica. I really love having that MP3 player with me. Before it, I had a tape player which I still love to death, but.. the MP3 player is small, so I carry that around instead.

This week, so far.. has been good for me. On monday, I talked to my beloved Talia. On sunday, I talked to Taylor Landis. I've known both of 'em for years, and talking to them this past week helped me..

I'm not sure what it is about old friends like them, and Antonia.. antonia Mostly, but I can talk to them awhole lot better than the people I live around now.

Sometimes, I wish that I hadn't have moved from the lower class neighborhood to this fancy one I'm living in now. My family has lived in everything, from duplexes where we shared a roof with another family with just one door seperating our homes, to this unnecessary 2story house we've got now..

My favorite place to live was in a 1-story, 3 bed room house. I had friends in that neighborhood who I wish I could see right now. My best friend back then was Ivan.. he was from El salvador, and me and him and my sister would sometimes go to his house and play videogames. He'd come to my house and we'd go to church on sundays ( Shaddap, Luvr. ) I'd go over his house, and he'd microwave some nachos and we'd play super mario world 3 on his nintendo, or he'd come to my house and we'd play sonic the hedgehog three on my genesis..

Back then, I actually loved to go outside and play soccer or baseball. Back then, things were so much more..

More.. different. Now, I'm grown up and I haven't seen Ivan in a while. I go back to that neighborhood from time to time with my big sister, but we haven't been able to see him 'cause he's always working to support his family.

Back then, I would play outside and love every second of it.. Right now, I work outside and loathe it.

Back then, I loved spending time with close friends.. Now.. pfft. Close friends? I've got.. one, here. After I moved from that neighborhood, I didn't even try to make new friends to be honest. I didn't try at much..

I'm starting to try now.

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Sunday. 4.18.04 9:32 pm
And will you tell all your friends -
You've got your gun to my head.

Cliche, I know, but I still love Taking back Sunday. Playlist = Mario Winans( .. eh. ), Anthony Hamilton ( YAY ), and TBS ( .. eh. )

I think I have homework to do in Biology.. if I ever remember just what it is, I swear, I'll do it. Until then, though.. I'll write. I know I've got to redo my poem thing for English 'cause it involved drugs, but I'll change that later. As for right now..

I'm regretting ever drinking milk. I hate milk. Milk = nasty. But, I need it for my honey grams.. and.. yeah.

Tommorow, monday.. school.. I'm not looking forward to it. Spanish isn't that bad anymore.. I'm starting to ge-- nevermind. I'll never get the hang of it, but I pick up on a few things that I can use when watching my Novelas. Maybe, one day, I'll watch Prisionera with the captions off to see how well I'm doin'...

Biology = waste of my time. I don't learn nuffin substantial, or crucial for me to know ( right now. ) I don't know what I wanna' be when I'm all grown up, but I'm pretty sure it won't have to do with biomolicules.

English.. english, english, english. That's alright.. It's a nice way to kill time before football.

Or, as other people call it ' DEATH '. Football = pain for the most part. Runr un run, hit hit hit, die die die, work work work and boom, school's out.

After school.. I wait, and wait, and wait by the bandhall for my sister to pick me up. I'd rather wait in a car for her 'cause.. atleast there, I won't have to see so many people, or be in the sunlight. Light = bah.

I have to write some letters/notes this week.. I've got a letter I owe to Jana, and I'm writing one to Antonia. A couple to Michelle to keep the tradition we started last year alive while she's gone on that band trip BS. And I might write Caitlin a few..

Might. I have alot of things to tell her.. so many things I have to tell her. It's unhealthy, really, these feelings I've got for that girl.

Rarely do I show my love for people. I've given about .. 1 hug this week, and I'm guessing it was to my mom.. or, Keith. More on that later...

But, when it comes to .. that .. girl, all these emotions come up that I can barely control. I..

I don't like it. Not one bit do I like having these feelings for her. Especially, when she's not even here. But, it's not like she's ever truly, truly been here.. or there.. or wherever for me when I truly need 'er..

I'm not supposed to need her. Not her, not anyone. Just Jon. God, too.. but, her? Nah.. Anyone else? I doubt it.

What I need to do is get over this dream.. this fantasy I've got of a happy ending to our relationship. Ominous feelings are everywhere.. She'll either OD and have a fatal injury or something before I get to be with her, or fall for someone else. Which would hurt more?

If I can remember correctly, they both hurt about the same last time.

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