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just some thoughts to put down here and explore later
Monday. 3.2.15 7:06 pm
'the good news is you came a long way. the bad news is you went the wrong way.'

him: your heart was broken before this. that's what you need to realize. when and where did that happen?
me:nah, son, i'm good

him:five years. alright two years. you need space
me: i want her. i dont want space
him: of course you dont nigga and i want doritos but i know what is good for me and what isn't.

say my name playing in the car.. these songs are depressing.. you have to learn to laugh at your own pain. taste them tears.

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Monday. 3.2.15 10:49 am
im selling the gifts she got me.

they make my stomach hurt.

i actually really realy like them a lot.. a cowboys hoodie.. im giving that one away to a co-worker.
a bluetooth speaker.. which i fucking love.. it's really realy relal good.. and the new super smash bros game.. which may be my favorite game ever.. i'm going to try to sell them in abou ten minutes.. they just make me sad now. everytime i see them, or i see anything that reminds me of her, i think of her cheating on me.

i know im not supposed to focus on the why it happened.. just that it happened.. and move on.. but i can't help but wonder. what could i have done diffeerntly? she wanted me to visit her more. i didn't. she wanted to come visit me when i was in the u.s.. and i didn't. she wanted to talk tmore.. maybe in a different life..

people keep telling me i should not talk to her. ever. zanzi said ten years. quincy said five, then two when i looked like i would vomit, then said forever. :( but i want to talk to her right now.

i just don't get it.. she was so in love with me. people keep telling me that she never truly loved me. that someone who would go back into an abusive relationship with someone who mistreated her can't love the normal way. but i felt love with her. from her.

why did she cheat on me? and why wont she talk to me? and why do i fear that i may go the rest of my life not knowing the answers to those two questions

i went out with another girl last week. partially because i just wanted to take my mind off of her. it worked. it realy did. i had a really, really, really good time. but it was the wrong time. i was in town for a week, and now im back in real life, trying to..

kobe's interview with gq magazine taught me some real shit. he met with a priest after he was accused of rape and the priest asked him did he do it.. and kobe said no. and then the priest asked if he had a good lawyer.. and kobe said yes. then the priest said that kobe needs to let it go and move on and that God will never give you more than you can handle. if that's the case, and i should just let her go and move on..

i'd rather go to war with God

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kevin gates gets me
Friday. 2.27.15 5:55 am

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wise words from a decent man
Tuesday. 2.24.15 11:16 pm
"You got the whiff and the taste of something really, really wonderful. It's as though you were sifting in the river and you found some huge vein of fools gold. You took it out and said "its gold, its gold!," with this crazy greedy, joy. Then, you cracked it open and you realized it wasn't real gold. And its a bummer.

But I don't think you can be upset that you found it."

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antonia you're lou and im will
Tuesday. 2.24.15 1:31 am
you know the scene where lou, will's dad, comes back and then abandons him again and will tells uncle phil that he doesnt need him? that he can be a better man without him? and then breaks down and cries?

that's me right now with you antonia.

i've gone from being sad and confused to understanding and forgiving to angry and sad to angry to confused again and now im just sad.. and wondering why you dont want me, man?

you kept track of the amount of time we had gone withou seeing eachother. you said it had been x months and that that was too long. you took a bus from connecticut to new york to catch a flight to london just to see me for thanksgiving because you loved me, man.

and then you kissed me when you fell in love with me.

and then you started responding to his messages.

and then you left me for him right when i opened up to you about my uncle being murdered and having insecurities about where my life was heading. as soon as i start to really confess some real shit to anyone you decide to leave me

he broke you. years of abuse and shitting on you left you wanting to chop off your hair as an extension of him and become reborn. but he still had a hold of you. no matter how much love i gave you, i couldn't compete with how he had conditioned you. you said you went back to him for old times sake. you must not remember the old times as well as me and your friends and your family do.

don't take this personal antonia but you're the fucking worst. but i dont need you. i dont need you. i'm hurt right now but i'm going to wake up tomorrow and remember that i love myself more than you could ever hurt me.

I've been through worse than you, homie. My uncle was murdered. My family has been in hambles before. I grew up starving and watched my big sister boil water to heat noodles that cost a nickle to feed us for the day. i've been through heartache before. caitlin broke it before. D used to try to manipulate and abuse me. Mo tried to belittle me. I've had women fuck me over in the past. I've had friends turn their back on me. I've seen my cousins get killed.

This shit won't break me. I'm going to find another. And I'm going to love her profoundly. I wanted to be the one for you.

Now I'm just going to be the one that got away.

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No better blues
Monday. 2.23.15 7:54 am
"Nigga, shut your simp ass up," my girl Candice says to me, interrupting my blubbering. "That bitch didn't love you, J. People who love you don't do that shit."

She's gone back to her ex. The one who she was with for ten years, and the one who cheated on her for years, lied to her for years, denied her existence to other people and clowned her for years. They met up, on valentines day, while I was busy being a sucka and trying to call her and contact her.. I'm not sure if they were fucking while I was trying to get in touch with her, but she sent me an email a few days ago saying that they were going to try it again 'for old times sake.'

She tossed me away for old times sake.

I'm real confused.. and frustrated. On one hand, that's my best friend and has been for years. I love the girl. Not in love with her, but legitimately love her.

But at the same time, with him?

We started dating when she came to visit me in London lasst year. I didn't expect anything to come from it because we've visited eachother in the past and wer ejust good friends. We went to Portugal, had a real good time, and on a train ride in London, she says I looked at her like I was in love with her. She also said that I had been doing hit that made her think I was in love with her.. placing my hand on her back, telling her that I enjoyed waking up next to her...

I'm not sure if I did all that because I was in love with her or just because I meant it. I honestly did like waking up and knowing she was there, eve before we were romantic.

Anyway, we meet up at a museum one night and she kisses me. And then apologizes a bunch and says stuff about how embarrassed she was for making a move. I was in shock at first, but kissed her back after a little bit of taking.. and BOOM i'm in love with her.

I thought she was the one. Talked about marrying her, about having little kids, even told my family about her, which is something I never do because I know the game and the game says don't mention them to your faily unless it's real serious.. she was the first one I brought up to my faily because I thought the 16 years of friendship would mean that this one would be forever.

But, yeah.. she cheated on em with her ex. If not physically, emotionally, because she had been talking to him behind my back when she led me to believe she wasn't.

I'm torn. I want to keep her in my life. I want her to be there when I want to talk to her and I want to be there for you. But do I want that because I want to be *with* her or because I want to be there for her? I'm not sure.

I think I can be her friend still. I know I want to be. But she doesn't want that right now. She emailed me and I responded a bunch and she hit me back saying something about how maybe one day we can go back to being close again and she hopes that it will happen but that it would be best if we had some time a part. I told her to stop pretending like she was saying all that shit for my benefit. I suspect the reason she wants to avoid me is because of the shame she feels how dirty she did me. Lying to me, cheating on me, ignoring me, and fucking me over for someone else.

When we started dating, she would tell me abou the shit her friends wsaid about me.. how they liked me, thought I was better than her ex, were really happy she found love.. her family was real happy for us too. They hated him, also.. mostly because of how dirty he did her. I don't see them ending well.. I'm not sure how long it will take, maybe a week, or a month, or a year, but she had ten years of him fucking her over and treating her wrong and unless he's had a head, heart, and soul transplant, he'll just do the same shit again.

Meanwhile, where does that leave me? I still forgive her. For everything. But i'm not sure if I should just cut her the fuck off and never speak to her again even though I said I want her in my life. It's mostly for pride.. I don't want to look at someone, talk to someone, who would put me in 2nd place.

I don't think I'm conscious of making monsters out of the women I sponsor until it all goes bad.

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