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undecided
Choosing family
Thursday. 11.22.12 7:06 am
It's been a while since I updated this one and I thought I should update it with something that has been swimming around in my head but I can't seem to tell anyone else around me about.

I don't know if I have some view fucked up view of how family should treat family and how I may have done something wrong in the past to deserve having these people in my life but I don't think wrapping myself around that thought is healthy. Not that it makes me suicidal but it certainly makes me do things I normally would not do, usually stupid things.

Lately I've been thinking of a reply to the statement "you can choose your friends but you cannot choose your family" - If a judge and a piece of paper can decide who your family is, then why can't you choose your family? I find that quite true and yet challenging. I don't give much of a hoot about filial piety and yet I cannot truly agree to that reply simply because while it is true, it feels so wrong. I don't know what is wrong with me... It's as for once in my life I am taking the middle road, not one of the extremes. It feels very weird.

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Not in a good place
Monday. 8.6.12 8:47 am
I'm not in a good place lately. World war three (or maybe ten), which I saw coming but I got sick and tired of backing down and not getting what I want, so I let it blow. Then I ran into Christian Grey's embrace. Still kind of in there but it is better than me running to someone else whom I bade goodbye to earlier this month. He is real but sadly not mine so I do what I do best and retreat back behind my walls.

This is going to be the first year where I'm completely on my own - which I don't mind because what's the point of having them around when it is so suffocating? Honestly I do envy people with supportive families. People who piss you off for their entertainment and give you nicknames. Don't think anyone would get used to that.

My friends are awesome but they can't be there all the time and even they have their limits to how much of my family drama they can take. In recent years, I've come to realise that I may be spending my life on my own and I've come to accept that. It gets lonely but I rather that and bored to death than being pissed off. You all would have figured out how explosive I can be by now and as I struggle to keep the lid onto things and not "simmer" that much, I can't help but be exasperated when people are intentionally pissing you off.

So yes, not in a good place and I wish I have a Christian Grey of my own to revolve my life around. I don't see how much different he is than some other people already present in my life but at least this one actually listens to you. I will take the stalker, control freak, megalomaniac even though all the clingyness might kill me.

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Making things difficult
Tuesday. 7.17.12 10:43 am
I do not see why you want to make things difficult. I've had my reservations about the trip from the start given that it isn't the first choice destination for me when I go out of the country after I started working. I was planning to fulfill a promise I made to a friend some 5 years ago but I chose to go with you guys because I thought it would be a much better trip. Now, now it's just vexing me. It's not like I didn't give my word that I am going and that I am going to buy my air ticket later since you jumped the gun and bought yours first and then told everyone else to buy theirs. It is also as if I didn't give my word that I will pay whatever room cancellation fee incurred in the event that I did chance my mind at the last minute. Then you decide to give the ultimatum that you're not booking for those who don't have a ticket (which is me)? I'm going to have to take a room on my own during one of the busiest time of the year for that country because you bought tickets without checking and conveniently for you, you decide that those who have yet to buy the ticket (which is me) to book their own room.

No, I'm not done ranting. You decided to be take advantage of the cheap tickets and bought yours a year in advance without consulting all of us, so of course you're in charge of everything else because YOU initiated it. If you think that it's a hassle and a waste of time then next time don't initiate everything. You yourself know how this whole group is, most of the things are done at the last minute - including deciding whether or not to go for a trip. I'm not one of them and I have decided it is only that I'm waiting for the right air ticket price. Is that that much to ask? Anyway, I have bought my air ticket but I am not telling you. From the previous conversation with some other person who is also going, it seems that the place you've decided to book isn't that great. I rather spend a little more for comfort. Since it is also my only trip that far north for a while, I really don't care about how much I am going to spend if I really need to. By the way, that argument that it being "not fair to those who have bought their ticket", doesn't work here. I'm not undecided, I have, I just haven't bought the ticket since everyone is going at a different time anyway and see argument number 2.

Okay, now I'm done ranting

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Anger
Thursday. 7.12.12 6:05 am
I guess you can equate me with pot left to simmer. Until you turn off the fire, I will not stop simmering. Whilst everything seems normal, I will still hurt you if you are not aware or careful.

You like to tell me to listen because you're the eldest here but honestly, why should I if you don't ever listen to me or think I'm just throwing a fit to get things my way. Yes, I want things my way because the current way just don't work. Nearly 4 years of staying together and you don't realise what a pushover your youngest sister is? Nearly 4 years staying together and you don't realise how she can also be a manipulative, selfish bitch? How many times have I been made to do her shit and yet when I ask for a favour from her 9/10 times it doesn't get done? Mostly it is also done in front of you and you don't see and you EXPECT me to LISTEN to what you have to say? You love to sit around and also complain about my brother but you don't see that you're pretty much in the same league as he is? At least my brother would realise it sometimes but you... no, you just expect me to take your shit and then deal with my own shit myself. IF I can do it on my own, would I have asked for your help?

I'm contented to be left alone and I am contented to do things on my own but when I need help, I'll ask and if I don't think that you're the only one who can provide the best help, I would not have asked nor even speak to you about it. No, no, you get angry when I listen to someone else over you and yet you expect me to listen to you when you do not listen to me. As I had said before, it is relatively easy for you to say shit because you never had to be in my shoes. Previously, maybe but now? No.

So don't be so high and mighty for you... I am no longer inclined to take shit from you without something in return.

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Monday. 4.16.12 12:05 pm
I don't know if I blogged about this before and some part of this, I may be paranoid but I think this particular colleague is trying to make me jealous for ignoring her.

I am kind of an insomniac tonight, I know I'll sleep but it'll be fleeting so I might as well blog.

Anyway, you all know that I'm having some kind of problem with my colleagues, not that I'm trying to pick a fight but sometimes it is them who is trying to pick a fight. You know how I said that they don't get English jokes and so they know they don't get it and yet they want to make comments like "See, she's laughing on her own again" or "she does it so often, just laughing at her phone/the computer". WTF really? You already established and proven your point that you don't get my humour and I have a "low humour level" so fuck off and leave me to laugh all I want the fuck alone. And it's not like I'm doing my usual loud laugh, mostly sniggering. So what's your problem?

That is one and the other is let's call her clingy at work. You all know how I don't like clingy people who throws their problems at me, right? This one is exactly it. "I have to go do something but order lunch for me, anything but pork" or "I need to go renew my parking shit, please go with me". Really? Do you need to be that needy? Broad daylight in a busy office area and you're afraid to do things on your own? Oh and this person is like 27 or somewhere there! And she has that tendency to ask the stupidest question like if she sees a deformed lady begging she'd ask "Why is she that way?" and the obvious answer that I want give is "I don't know, ask God when you go to Church this weekend". Which I don't because I'm supposed to be nice to these poor things. Yes, if I am to be nice to these people then I have no right to whine about it so I will try to not do either one. Today she asked me if Double Taxation Agreements apply for individual taxpayers. I was very tempted to tell her "Nope, it doesn't. Neither does the Income Tax Act". Pure stupidity.

Anyway, this person is the person I said is trying to make me jealous. Because we were kinda like "buddy buddy" before she turns into such an emotional leech, and I just completely stopped talking to her one day because I just cannot take it anymore, she decided to get close to Ms I-dun-geddit. Nickname for one of the people mentioned in paragraph 3. Anyway, Ms I-dun-geddit and Clingy at work are like all laughing loudly, flirting slaps on the arm, plans outside of work.. I mean by all means go ahead and do all that because I don't need you in my life but quit trying so hard to make it seem all rosy and shit because if it is, you won't be turning to me to ask them stupid questions. It really turns on my bitch mode and make me want to make her jealous too, which is easy because clingy at work has serious self-esteem issues. I want Kaichou to show up at the office one day, and I'm thinking that I should do things that I have never dared to do with him (because it'd compromise our friendship) just to piss her off.

Clingy at work is like so desperate for attention and she kinda got friendzoned by someone she is in love with for quite sometime. She's hoping that it will work. Me on the other hand, if I really want a boyfriend, I would've already have 5 exes but I have my standards. I don't simply go for any guy and I don't do people who makes me want to shoot them point blank. You don't hold a candle to me. Okay out of topic.

People should be careful of the kind of fires they light; light up one of my bitch fires and you might just burn yourself. Also, if you want to make me jealous, first you have to get onto my level and then make me feel threatened.

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Sunday. 4.1.12 11:42 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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