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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR





Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2018:

1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
3. The Door - Margaret Atwood
Morbid
Monday. 6.3.19 1:51 pm
Talking to one of my friends is always so morbid. This friends keeps saying to migrate elsewhere the country I am living has no future and bla bla. Always. Before we changed the government, he painted such a morbid picture that I fear for my own life to continue living in my own house that I was even thinking of moving too! I thought it will be better when we changed the government but no my friend kept saying hope lies outside of our country. Hope lies wherever we are. The picture he painted again is as morbid as previously.

So when I questioned him back if that is the case why isn't everyone leaving then? Because majority is stuck like me so why paint such a picture to begin with?! Scaring people like this won't do anyone any good because we will be so scared to stand up or to even think clearly.

Where do you want to move if you can? Move until no where else to go?

I am tired of listening to all this bad things... I really need to go somewhere where I can find peace. I should really cut off from whatsapp when people just talk nonsense but no action to make the world a better place.

I proposed to end our lives given the negative pictures. But he replied hope lies outside.

Right. The law of attraction. The more he thinks of a negative picture the more it will happen. I have been praying for justice on the country's fiscal health and I can see it is going well though I am not praying a lot like I want to but still I put my heart and sincerity in my prayers.

I believe that my prayers work.

Update: Sigh. My friend bent on running away from our country. I can't explain the sadness in my chest now.

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Minor one
Thursday. 5.30.19 5:22 am
Oh well, I have a row with my mother again because I accidentally said something. I said she cannot do her prayers now because she needs to fetch me to office first. By the way why so in the hurry to do prayers before leaving? When she is gonna be in the house the whole day watching movies on her laptop from afternoon till night? And then bitching about having no job? And also she needs to pack food first... so factoring in the packing time I calculated I am gonna reach office by 2pm or 3 pm. If that's the case why do even enter office today to begin with when I am totally exhausted.

So... my mum wailed again that she has dedicated her whole life serving the family... bla bla.. and so when I said I take Grab she said I am the one who always started the fight. Well, you asked me when to leave the house right?? So I tell when to leave la!

I am tired. Really. I realised I am tired due to spiritual and emotional exhaustion. Not really physical. To come home from work to see a mother wailing about having not enough job though she got more freelance jobs than me in a month and see her talking about others is really tiring. To be frank, I don't wanna hear all this. I just want to come back to the silence of the house. I have a lot of things I wanna do on my laptop but due to exhaustion I don't do.

Just now she dropped me off at work. Throughout the journey we were quiet and I was really thinking what happened if I have left home 10 years ago for good. What will happen to me at that time until now. Will I be able to achieve the things that I wanna do? People usually get moving pretty quickly when the condition is not comfortable.

I know I will have change job then because the pay will be too low to support my spending if I were to rent a room.

I may not be doing the same freelance job as my mum just to avoid my family members. It will be awkward isn't it to be in the same venue but not talking to each other?

I will be more independent for sure. I will have to rely only myself to survive. No one else. I will be stronger.

I may even have bought myself a house! This is actually weird. I don't have any assets to date because I have a feeling I won't be here for long as though I will move.

I may even go to other states or countries even Singapore to work! This is exciting!

I may have a cat already! OMG!!! A real what if!

My mental health may be improved since I only have myself and and imaginary cat to think about.


But...

My health will deteriorate because eating out is no good and I won't be spending money on food. And that may even mean I would have been hooked on some life long medicine by now. I would not be meeting my current Chinese doctor who cured me of certain symptoms. I may not learn much on health too.

I would look uglier and fatter due to poor health. No really. I was really fat. I have water eye bags at a young age. The Chinese doctor cured that.

I would not have gone for some international youth workshop and get to know the bunch of people that I am closed with.

I would not have the current bunch of friends that I am comfortable with now.

I would have work full time just for money and further suppress my intuition calling. Maybe not.

I would have totally cut off with my family and I may be home sick. That's what happened for few months when I was studying abroad that I was crazy enough to even think in that second that I will drop EVERYTHING just to return home. Thank god. I didn't. It was the best time in my whole life.


So this SWOT could be quite useful. So what is it that I am not happy about?

My mother and my life. People often say don't disturb the snake if u don't wanna get bitten. Did I? Yes, sometimes. Even if I didn't, she becomes clingy after my sister has stop giving a damn about her and so she turns to me after remembering her fucking other daughter who she never pays much attention compared to my sister.

I'm just tired of this little favouritism game.

I did consider of going to Japan or somewhere for a few months for some quiet and peace. If I were to tell my mother to stop messaging me, she will go crazy.. will go screaming and bla bla. Sometimes I wanna tell her if you are so unhappy in this house why don't you move? She and my sister has said that before to me.

I am still communicating my pain. How can I heal this pain? I am finding this pain a waste of time. I have been depressed for half of my life already. I don't wanna to be in that state again because I would then have to focus all my energy in bringing myself out of it. It's a lot of work every second. I already spent like 20 years fighting this depression and then 5 years on some stupid guy and I don't want to misuse my time anymore. My depression is accumulated since I was a kid that got beaten and continue to accumulate when I was in primary and high school.

Wasting time ....

I want to focus on myself and needs!!!

I know people say our parents spend their energy on us and so we need to pay back. How to pay back? My mother wants the moon and the sky. She can say whatever she wants to other people that shows she is so humble but I can tell you she wants the galaxy. If like this, take back my life. Unborn me. Because my experience has shaped me for what I am because of my unloving environment. Don't blame me.



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Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall....
Tuesday. 3.26.19 3:57 am
So you didn't read my post below... but it's ok because I am making the second post for the day. The below is the first post and now is the second post. In analysis, it should be the other way round but I just typed out whatever vomited out from my brain.

This morning I had a row with my mother after some peaceful weeks at home. I was tired and cranky from the whole last week of working.

Let just say I don't know why I blew up at 6.30am when I was mopping the floor... changing the water and solution. I was shouting at mother that I received no help in doing this very chore and as though she and my sister are waiting for someone to change the water every time. I am also tired and I am also not advised to do heavy housework chores due to medical reasons. And I usually change the water as early as 0530 or at night while my family members are asleep or busy watching their drama or simply surfing. I don't mind their activities but all I ask is can we at least alternate? You do after I do and so on. Not just state "Oh the water is already dirty" and then continue to mop with those dirty water and wait for something to happen. I have tried of doing nothing and nothing seriously happened.

Well, at least now I could see my sister is doing laundry because previously she didn't. My mum did her laundry. But changing the water..... hmm not in March.... not in February... maybe once in January? She always say she is very busy or she is always going out like now.... so what does she do when she is at home? Watch movies or just do her own work from home.

All I ask is just alternate with me in changing water just at least once a week. I complained once about the enlargement of my thyroid for changing water so frequent. My mother told me I don't need to announce. Right. I just said once now and yet the water is not changed immediately despite the water was extremely murky... and my sister and my mother never washed their toilet feet mat whenever they soak it in the toilet of my charge. I once just did nothing... the cloth just stayed in my toilet for more than a month until it smelled in a funny coloured water. And my mother would just continue lying to herself 'Oh she (my sister) will wash'. FU. A few weeks ago, I was kind enough to wash for them because I don't like their cloth to rot in my toilet.

So this morning? I blew up because I am angry that my sister and my mother don't change the water at a faster speed even though my mother say she will change.... but she always say that.. the action is so slow... she has knee injury but my sister has been feeding her with a lot of collagen that she feels so much better and I could see her skin is glowing so much better than mine when mine is pale as sheet and the doctors whom I met in a workshop were so concern for me that they asked was I really sick.

My sister kept saying she has no money but she has the money to buy such expensive collagen products for herself and for her mother. And yet she didn't replenish any food to date. She dare not eat the food at home already after I demanded her to pay me back the food I bought.

So in my explosion this morning I was telling my mother that

1. Why can't you and her help?
2. Why do you make me feel it's like my responsibility to change the water?
3. I can't do heavy work too... I am suffering too.

That's cause I have scoliosis and permanent backache and whatever aches in my body... and at the moment I am having pain in my kidney everyday at certain hour. I have thyroidism hence I no longer can tolerate stress and that extended not even physical stress of carrying heavy stuff. Otherwise I can feel my thyroid is enlarged.

4. I don't even have money to pay for a blood test... why can't you help me delay the need of this test because I need to know the status of my thyroid. Though I feel much better compared to one year ago but seriously I have enlarged nodules now too. So I am worried.

The reply was YOU DON'T NEED TO SHOUT... YOU ARE SO NOISY....and then threatened me that she won't fetch me out of the house. Fine. I was not ready for that kind of war since I still rely on her for transportation. So I apologised twice in a row so she could fetch me out.

But what did I feel after that screaming match? I feel like committing suicide that very moment. When I reached office... I took the knife and placed it at my stomach and asked myself repeatedly why I didn't end my life sooner... why I didn't end my life 9 years ago. If I did, I would have avoided all this unhappiness. Why I didn't? Because I could not tolerate the mild pain the knife pointed at my gastric area. It was my fear of pain that saved me over and over again. But now I have a new method that I found someone was talking about that is to tie the rope around my neck behind the door. That idea sounds simple... and I can hear my brain working out the logistic...

As I came into office I knew I need to talk to someone because I was screaming in the office alone about what I have done wrong in my life to date... because I thought I was getting better... feeling better... getting my finance better. What went wrong? And that moment I realised how fragile my whole world was just because of one person who should not matter but matter in some way.

I think it's time for another cord cutting with my mother. It has saved my sanity and I have to do again for the sake of saving myself.

But while I was talking to the psychic my intuition was telling me the reason for my shouting match was because I was COMMUNICATING my pain. I was conveying my pain; I was talking but in shouting mode; but nevertheless I was COMMUNICATING. So instead of shutting me up or someone's scream, just let them continue until they lost their train of thoughts. It's their way of bringing up the pain and whatever has been overdue in the body essence. Of course, it is quite unfair for the nearest person or the loved ones to be screamed at for no reason but I think it's also important to dismiss it as some crazy person. That's because I realised as I was screaming my pain I kept repeating certain thoughts and my mother will keep saying she could not do anything about the what I wanted to believe in. Instead of saying I don't give a shit about it, why not explore on that? There must be a reason to every argument. People just don't get angry for no reason isn't it? Why not try to understand me instead of shutting me up? I felt small. I felt like I was being instilled with fear again like when I was a kid again. That's what happened when I reached out for help, I was told to shut up in which I interpreted it as I am not allowed to ask for help. A lot of similar events happened in my life which then I realised it made me so independent that I cannot see my mother asking help for the very same thing I was denied. I hated it.

And... my mother didn't even notice I was in some kind of depression when we were arguing. I am sure she didn't even want to know I was back to suicidal again. Like what I did this morning. I am sure she will just reply 'Just die' thinking I was just being a drama queen. Was I? Was I an attention seeker? Why did I seek attention? What was going on inside me? Why renaye, why? Why were you so unhappy? All I wanted was someone to change that water even before I could say change. That is all. Sounds simple right? But why was I begging and crying? The same thing when someone did that for love. Do I feel love? I feel I am the only one that supports myself. I know my mother supports me via transportation but nothing emotionally, mentally and spiritually. And these are the places that I am totally drained and I need to unload.

Did I explode because I wanted my mother to love me like how she did to my sister? Because what my sister received is not the same as me? Or like how my mother looks at my sister? Maybe, unconsciously. I think my body knows that she sees me as an extra hand, nothing more than that. And all I was asking, perhaps, is just for some love debris that she has extra for my sister. I am like the small fish underneath those huge fish roaming for the extras. Ouch. such flowery descriptive....

I came home now and found my mother not saying a single word to me and went to her room shortly. I think if it's my sister, she will try to strike a conversation. Why do I even feel sad? Because I feel unwanted? It is in us that we want to be wanted. So I am not surprised that I feel this way.

This means I seriously need a cord cutting...

But I also want to talk someone... What about my mother? I still want to talk to her.... From an anime I quite like... no child does not want to be loved by their mother... and with that the girl who was raped raised the child... It was a wise sentence...

What about me? Apologise and tell her what? I already apologised, twice. What else? Kill myself completely? Well, I will seriously think of it again if she demands for money. She can then inherit my retirement funds which is enough to last her retirement.

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Don't go anymore la...
Tuesday. 3.26.19 12:57 am
Here's something I did on impulse today that is get a psychic to do a reading for myself in a very long period. Nowadays I don't really do so because I feel they don't give me any added value. It's just like I am paying to have a good listener and then when time is up they will just say bye ... so eager to leave the conversation with easy money which many I came across this is true! So because of this experience, it's 9 out of 10, I have ensure my own service gives people some assistance that they can take home and take action (if they want to). That would be more practical because otherwise all these psychics should just say 'I am a psychic listener and will give some psychic advises if I still have time left, so type it all out as fast as you can or until the time goes dry'. It's sickening actually when you want advices also not just a good listener and this also explains why I never put a cap onto the timing of my service. When a person is in pain, you don't tell the person "ok just be in pain for like 5 minutes, I got a baby to feed." Seriously. When the person in pain, there's no expiry timing. And if it's overboard I just try to bring back to reality with some steps that can improve the situation. That's more harsh isn't it?

Anyways, that's all for my service advertisement. If you ever want a good listener and neutral and some universe-tuning-advice, call me. I can offer these three in my session. =P

Back to my experience just now. I know this psychic has a lot of testimony and all are of positive ones. I decided to try because I had a screaming row with my mother in the wee morning. And when I came to office I almost did what I wish... So I want to know what's those shit about and ... I can guarantee you I type more than the psychic. The funniest thing is I was asked to see another kind of psychic in the middle of the session. Because my mind was not working well, I would have asked for refund since she was indicating she could be of no help. Mental note = not going to her anymore no matter how accurate she is. Yes, she was accurate in picking up people but that's the past and does not help in my situation when I want to know how I can move on. Not accurately describing my family personality would be of help. It's just minor to understand how broken I am and how much repair is destroyed in just 1 hour this morning.

After the session, I just feel such a waste of money for a psychic reading. Why not? It's in USD and I don't feel it was well spent. She was a good listener but I felt I paid her to listen to me. Of course I could not get her to diagnose me and give me a diagnosis but it was more mentally "why did you do it again?!" Like she said I should go to a counselor which I have done and they replied IT'S MY FAULT. They were more judgmental.

So that's why I am more quiet as of now. I don't really ask for help now... I don't really talk about my problems to others because they are not listening... they are just creating content for others by listening to me. Well, to describe that will be they left me when I need them the most but expect me to be there for them when they need me. I am not doing the favour anymore. They left me so I will just leave them too.

So I have to remind myself again not to find a psychic reader anymore. Why waste the money when I can use that very amount to pay a photographer for my upcoming trip. I am seriously. No wonder that Japanese guy is making so much by just listening!!!! I should too since the psychic even say I am a calm listener!!! Give me the money!! Maybe I can do that when I want to stay in Japan for a month or more.

If you want to find a psychic reader, let me just tell you that it's the same as finding a doctor or a sales person that fulfill your need. Don't ever measure by asking how accurate they are. It's rather how skillful they are in counseling you. Do the clients feel 'hey I think I can do it even though it's scary' or 'OMG.. she is so accurate but... how come I feel so empty at the same time?' Ask yourself that very questions.

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3 things
Sunday. 3.24.19 12:48 pm
I think I would be a happier person if I am dead. Maybe that person would be my mother not me. I really feel like throwing everything surrounding me. I really want to try throwing out my mother's things from her cupboard. It must be so relieving. Because that was what she like to do to me when I was younger whenever I said some facts about her. I hope everyone like me dies before her so she can be a happier person.

I am tired of this conversation with my friend. I have said three times to date about having planning in detail as opposed to none. I have enough of listening of various reasons like my dressing, my shoe, my pose for not getting the photo that I don't know what the end result is to begin with. All I know is these are my resources and I will make do with them on the spot. Otherwise I imagine the result that I want that I plan ahead of my dressing. I have scouted on those online shopping platform but some of the materials are horrible and so were the feedback. I don't want to hear 'buy those cheap ones from China and just wear once for IG." It's my money so it's my management plan. I may have to go on a hermit traveling just for photography.

My sis bought so many collagen products and yet she once said she has no money to contribute to the house coffer. And she doesn't do any housework chores regularly and I didn't heal completely to be called off as healthy and yet I am contributing to the house and chores and my medical bills. She is definitely going to stay young at the expense of my youth and health. Why is God so unfair? She prays like crazy daily and God still treats her so kind. Yea... she is the apple of my mother's eye. Because of this I don't want to hangout with my mother anymore. I feel so stupid for being nice when my sis doesn't give a damn about her and yet she sticks to her like a moth to light. Very toxic family.

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Innards anxiety
Friday. 2.22.19 1:14 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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