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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR





Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2017:

1. Angelopolis - Danielle Trussoni
2. The Magicians - Lev Grossman
3. The Magic Circle - Jenny Davidson
4. Memories - Lang Leav
5. Nightbird - Alice Hoffman
6. To The Devil - A Diva - Paul Magrs
The fate of a freelance
Tuesday. 8.8.17 8:24 am
I suddenly have a fear what if my employer that gives me the most freelance work or rather money no longer calls me? Mum told me recently she was asked by that employer to replace someone. Suddenly it just strike me that they already have assignments but they didn't give me any. Nor my mother or my sister.

I am not surprised if they don't call me anymore since they have so many countless new freelancers. Or my cover got blown? These new freelancers spotted me in other similar line of employers but just I was playing a different role. And these new freelancers had a funny expression when they saw me. Seriously? You all worked at many other places too. Don't have to give me that weird look. Besides, we are all in the same job for the money right? Don't tell me you told others about me? If yes, you are just gossiper.

But still. Why am I having this fear suddenly?

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On my way to becoming....?!
Tuesday. 8.1.17 9:00 pm
Well I had something spicy happened last week during work.

I was being an extra in a Singaporean movie. Most probably you can see my body but not my head but that's life as extra.

Anyways, I was a waitress. There were 8 of us actually; 3 guys and 5 girls. We were asked to sit in a row for easy calling by the production crew. Sitting on my left was a young nerdy looking guy while on my right was a guy whose girlfriend was sitting on his right. The guy on the left must have heard my conversation with my right because he started talking to me in English. Ya, I mentioned I can't speak Chinese well to my right.

Ok. Let's cut the chase. Let's jump into the exciting bits which what makes me excited to type this post. Haha.

I accidentally rubbed the nerdy guy's thigh.

Yup. Read that sentence again if you think you misread.

And I apologise profusely. I tried to clear the misunderstanding that I was not harassing him sexually nor molesting him. Even if he did think that, I was a very smooth operator.

Seriously, it happened in a lightning.

We, extras, were bored in the holding room. Damn cold. The main stars had their section condoned in front of where I was sitting but there was a gap as entrance facing me 45 degrees to my right. Being restless, I observed a star who happened to be sitting among some people I have not seen in her section. As she was interacting, I saw her holding a fluff as white as snow closed to her chest. My eyes could not register at the beginning at that beady dot on the fluff. Later I could trace the ears. Damn! A Pekingnese! I was so excited to see a dog in that room that I wanted the nerdy guy to look at my same direction that I accidentally 'rubbed' his thigh while saying 'OMG OMG OMG.'

OMG. What has renaye done?!

Oh well, the next few hours, I don't know what ruminated behind his nerdy look, he actually leaned into me when I was sharing my Japanese trip adventure in 2016. But being an experienced victim, I moved my sitting so he won't be able to lean. Haha.

Nice smooth, little bro. Then after a few hours, I got his number and found out his girlfriend pic as his whatsapp profile pic. And he said "Oh, my girlfriend is coming tomorrow as an extra." What?! And you tried hitting on me? I mean seriously. Earlier on he was asking me the usual questions like how are you? you have any bf? bla. He dropped when I said I am 12 yrs older than you. And so sweet of him, he offered his shoulder as my pillow.

Many guys also had their jaws dropped when I mentioned my age the following day
for the same movie. My friend said that should be my secret but it was tiring to see all these little bro trying to hit a big sister. I don't have an ambition to be a cougar.

I was so cool in my uniform like a casino manager but just serving drinks. Haha.

Oh luckily that nerdy guy has good look. So I don't mind the brief flirt. HAHA.

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Future!
Saturday. 7.22.17 10:07 am
I am watching Futurama from the beginning. I never had the chance to do so. I only saw bits here and there.

I like their sarcasm especially from Bender.

I can't wait to see the beautiful ending.

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July
Thursday. 7.6.17 9:17 pm
It's already July.

Many motivators or some people will harp that it's already mid-year and what you have achieved. Some people will be pressured and will be afraid to look at their resolution or things-to-do list for 2017 and then crumble from within from embarrassment. Perhaps, the root that causes the person to say 'Fuck resolutions!'.

Whatever.

If you feel that you have not done anything so far, I would like to reimposed that the fact you are alive now is the biggest achievement you can achieve to date. Look back at those small things you have done: able to go to eat your favourite food, to sleep, to watch movies, etc. These small things should be the ones that building up your bigger resolution.

I have a few resolutions but I didn't achieve them because as I survive my 2017, my interest, decision and even path changes.

I was in a mild panic attack after my mum said we look down upon her because she is just a housewife and also after listening to Trudeau's grad talk about small things... I realised I was not acknowledging those small achievements. We always see the big picture and neglect the small ones. It's time for us to acknowledge the small actions because they matter too.

If my mother didn't sacrifice her time for the children then I won't have time to do my stuff and so on.

In words simply, everyone needs to start off somewhere. We always see those achievers having something but we never know their backstory. There are so many backstories now but we often forget that everything starts with the first step.

I too. I didn't do anything great if I were to compare mine with my friends whom have stuff being published in the media and always sort after. But when I looked at the things I have done, they are not too bad too because I took the first step.

To date:

1. I have appeared in a documentary:



Ok la. It's my first time. Be kind!

2. I was an extra in the Crazy Rich Asian movie.

3. I have appeared in an insurance ad which don't know when it was released. But can totally see my face!

Not bad, right?

So celebrate your achievements today!

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Sales talk
Tuesday. 6.20.17 10:46 pm
Just now I got sales or rather prep talk by a friend who is much younger than me. I got no problem with that, but seriously don't ever use sentimental reasons to make me join the team.

I have been in the sales line for already 11 years. Yea, the next sentence, perhaps, you think I will say "know all your tactics" but what I am going to say is we really need wisdom in this life. Seriously. I was informed about the returns and benefits of joining. I am not blind by the returns but then I don't have the capital and I don't want to even think about the capital-building part because I am highly stress.

Yes, stress. I am so burnt out since 2015 that I didn't have a chance to destress. Because of that, I feel that I am not being myself. I didn't think think properly before talking hence I am talking crap. Acting crap. Brain is crap with exhaustion. And yet I pile more work onto myself in the hope I could find a new road to earn more money. And then you know what? I further burnt out.

I think that's why my higher self told me to meditate. To meditate in a meditation, to be exact. Because I am lacking of so much rest. Opening a new path is correct but why? Have I asked myself truly why? Why did I do that? Is it a new hobby? I didn't truly ask myself. I just jumped into them.

Jumping without a plan is a waste of time not only failure. Hence the quote from Benjamin Franklin, “If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail!”. Yup, do you jump without a parachute? I mean some people do but not everyone.

And I am so stress here that I don't have time to reflect on what I want. Lost/Stuck could be the right word to describe my current situation. But yesterday a motivator said try using 'IN TRANSITION" instead and hell ya. I don't see any improvement yet and yet transition so what? I still need to think what I want next!

So ya.. all I want is time to rest my soul. And here I have a friend giving me prep talk in believing in myself for able to get rich by joining his team. Why do you persuade me so hard if you are already getting money from it? You should be like "You don't want? Ok, next!" That's the attitude!

Sometimes it's not that I don't want to join. It's about priorities.

And yes I have abilities in excelling in everything but hey I need time to connect to myself to excel!

I'm just so fucking tired! Why can't people understand that simple statement. I even told this friend I am very tired. All I need is time to think. And I'm extremely deprived because life in urban is like that. You either worried about money or time.

Ugh!

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Sai tei
Monday. 6.5.17 8:20 pm
Sai tei means the worst in Japanese.

So many things are running in my friend's problem. Sai tei is the best word to describe her situation but I don't know where to put this label to.

My friend is an academician who married our mutual friend who is of her nationality. They dated for one year and got married after that. Both couple are academician actually and they are such a good looking couple. They have two kids now with the youngest being one year old.

The problem is she has postponed her postgraduate studies for the family. And now she has three weeks to fly to Australia for her postgraduate studies after so many years of postponing. And now her husband is threatening her to divorce her if she were to study in Australia after so much of giving her lip service that he supports her academic rigour and endeavour. She was so heartbroken. The reason of her studying is to provide a better future for her family. Having a PhD for an academician is very much the only way for a lecturer to have promotion and to earn more money. She has explained this to her husband but he turned against her and now they are having a cold war started by him. His parents have required him to talk to the wife but he is not budging.

How heartbroken a wife can be when her husband is not supporting her. While she was sharing us her situation in the Whatsapp group, she informed us she received an email. It was a divorce application.

I was so right when she validated that he has an astronomical ego where everyone at home has to listen to him. I feel her so much because I grew up in such family too until my mother stood against my father and told him to fuck off for showing his 'man-li-hood.' My ass, really.

She is a strong person but a strong person also can break, and he/she breaks even more. I only fear for the kids. Will the husband hide the kids like I heard from my friend's experience? I have mentioned that how many times can she sacrifice her dreams, needs and wants for him? Will this be a healthy relationship, and even safe?

It is easy for me to say that I will proceed with the divorce application despite having kids since my husband threatens me. But really like for her situation? What's the underlying underlying reason for him to disapprove her decision? Ego? That does not allow her to have higher qualification than him? She has said she is bringing along the family with her to Australia. Many of my friends even do that.

So what and where is the problem? So many things I don't know deeply. What she has told us perhaps is just the surface.

But really, what would I do if I were her in her shoes? I think I will just divorce. There's no future in a relationship when either one is consumed with ego especially where everyone has to 'follow my order'. This is not a safe and healthy relationship. That is what I saw in the man I dated many years ago. At the beginning of a relationship, people will be so loving... even the guy and girl will accommodate each other, but for how long? After third date period, he threw the phone across the hotel room when I accidentally said in a higher tone that I will be late for the airport. And also one episode he said to me "I am the man, the leader, so let me lead". Err... we were just walking, bro. Why such heavy sentences? I am glad I dumped him. Haha. Oh well, that's because I am an alpha female.

But then... for my friend... dosuru? (In Japanese is what are you gonna do?) I cannot comprehend the pain she is in now.




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