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Internal conflicts.
Wednesday. 1.9.13 11:37 pm
I'm sorry for my lack of presence here on NuTang, and for seeming to only come here when I want to talk about something personal that I would rather share with unbiased peers that know nothing about my background.

Bottom line, it is difficult feeling so selfish and possessive over things that are not meant to be possessed. It's difficult having your best friend as your roommate, and introducing to her to what used to be "your" group of friends. It's difficult to feel like they like her better than they like you, and it's most difficult to feel all of these things when none of them are her intentions, or even her fault for that matter.

It's difficult because this is something I can't talk to her about, and it's difficult because it is taking a toll on my feelings towards my friends and my thoughts on returning to school (which I am currently dreading.)

The thing is, when we are together one-on-one it is completely and perfectly harmonious. We are great roommates. Granted, I would love if she went to bed a little earlier, but such is not a big deal in the slightest.

What's worse is the close friends I have outside of this group are literally ALL studying abroad this semester. So any kind of salvation I had will be put on hold until August.

And it is even worse that I am feeling this way because I don't want to feel this way and I shouldn't feel this way, but unfortunately I have admitted to myself that I am a naturally possessive, jealous person who needs to work on her insecurities.

If you have been through something similar, please let me know how you dealt with these types of feelings! Hope you're all having a great day!

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I feel strange.
Wednesday. 3.14.12 9:43 pm
I thought I hated Timeline on Facebook. But it's actually become very useful. I was able to go back to 2010 to look up a specific post so easily. Sure, it's a tool that could just as easily be abused, but hey. I'm not complaining.

I feel strange because I feel like I JUST started college. But then I look back at 2010 on Facebook and realize that 2010 was two years ago. Then I am suddenly aware of the fact that in a few months I'll be a junior in college, and I begin to wonder where all the time has gone, and how much of that time has been wasted.

Not completely wasted, necessarily, but just...unproductive. All of the time I said I would do something productive and then end up laying around in my dorm room all day. I realize now that I spend probably 60 to 70 percent of my time in my dorm room, if you count sleeping. You'd think I'd be doing homework or something. But no. I'm just on Facebook/YouTube/Twitter/Tumblr/whatever else.

But then when I think about it again, I realize I have so little time to complete all of the things I want to do. I still want to study abroad to China for a semester, I still want to try and get my grades up (not that they're bad now, I've got a 3.5 GPA, but this next thing is why I need to boost it), and I still want to try and get in to the International Business program here.

--side story about IB [International Business]--

I'll try to make this as short as possible. But basically I attend school where the International Business program is ranked number one in the US. I applied recently, but my application was denied, NOT due to my lack of qualifications [because in terms of qualifications, I was set, I've already lived abroad in Brazil and have taken five different foreign language courses] but because of my GPA. You need a 3.5 GPA to even apply, but the people who choose the applicants prefer a 3.8 GPA or higher. I have three C's on my record, so that ultimately was my downfall.

I was in a slump for a while. Didn't do my homework, was lazy all day, just generally unproductive. Well today, I went to talk to one of the directors of the IB program to see if I could get my application appealed. Although he was unable to appeal my application, he reassured me in the fact that I DID have the qualifications, but that I did need to bring my grades up. He told me that I was very rational and reasonable, and that I was strong in the sense that my getting denied didn't stop my determination. He told me many students had come to him and were broken over the fact they weren't accepted, and that he could [gladly] see that I wasn't broken over it. He also told me that if I needed future assistance with my IB application for next year to contact him.

Basically, even though it wasn't the outcome I'd hoped for, I was definitely reassured and I am now getting back into the swing of things.

--end side story--

But yeah. Also, if I do get accepted into IB next year, I'll have to cram all of the classes into one year so that I can graduate on time. I don't mind graduating a semester later, but I would really really like to graduate my intended year. It's just a goal of mine.

How about you guys? Has time flown by since you've been in college?

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So many things I want to do.
Wednesday. 2.22.12 10:25 am
I found out yesterday that I didn't get into the International Business program at my University.

You'd think I would be sad, but I'm actually okay with it. I was taken back a bit at first not because I didn't get in, but because I didn't know what my plan was from there. But I DO know what my plan is. I'll continue with Marketing, and try to reapply next year (hopefully when my GPA is a little bit higher (not that my GPA is low, I have a 3.5, but the program directors like students in the program to have a 3.8 or higher -_-))

But! Because of all of this, it got me thinking. I would LOVE to teach English in another country. The three main countries I'd like to teach are China, Korea, and Brazil. I'd love to teach for a year in each place to see which one I like best.

I don't know if I should try to teach abroad right out of college, or if I should go to grad school to get my masters in Education. If I had my masters I'd definitely be more qualified for more jobs.

On another note, giving up junk food for lent! If this doesn't work I don't know what will, honestly. And by junk food I mean: no soda, no candy, no chocolate bars, no fried foods, no coffee (the ONLY time I will drink coffee is when I need to stay awake and avoid soda at the same time), no pastries, no super sweet breakfast foods (like anything with syrup), and so on.

I realize this is pretty intense, but if this goal for Lent doesn't motivate me, I don't know what will.

What are your plans for after college?

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Saturday. 2.4.12 9:35 pm
This should be one of the last blogs I write about losing weight until I have lost the weight.

But you want to know what made me start thinking about my having gained weight? People TELLING me that I have gained weight.

My (Asian) boss is the primary offender. He's been telling me to lose weight since, I don't know, probably last November. Probably even earlier than that. He told me that I don't do anything at college; that I eat and eat and don't work out, so I gain weight. Just last night he told me that I needed to get the fat off of my body and keep it off.

Another offender is the (Asian) cashier at work. Before Christmas break, she said to me, "You look so different than from when I first met you." I replied, "Bigger?" and she replied, "...Yeah." Like, seriously? Sorry I can't be a little petite Asian like you. She gave me a beautiful Chinese dress that was a LITTLE too small for me right before Christmas. Two weeks ago, I wore the dress to Chinese New Year so she could see the dress on me. What does she say? No, not "Oh, inhuman, you look so nice!" or "I'm glad you're finally wearing the dress!" No. She says to me, "Looks like you won't be able to eat a lot tonight."


And then the last main offender (who hasn't taken any stabs at me lately) is one of the (Asian) servers at the restaurant. He was working the same day that the cashier gave me the dress. He asked me to hold it up for him so he could see it. And what does he say? "Wow, that's a really pretty dress. Maybe if you lose some weight you can fit into it."

I am just totally spent with people telling me I've gained weight, and then not being able to fight any craving I get. I've gained weight, but I am not overweight. I just want people to shut the fuck up, sometimes.

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"Eat to live...
Friday. 1.20.12 11:54 pm
...Do not live to eat."

That's why my mom's guitarist told me tonight when I asked him how he lost so much weight. I feel like the last time I saw him (which wasn't so long ago) he was chubbier, and same with the time before that. Now he looks great! (Not interested, I'm just very impressed.)

I need to grab the motivation deep down inside of me and hold on to it for dear life. I finally started going back to the gym yesterday, and I NEED to make sure that I keep it up every day, and DON'T splurge just because I went to the gym.

I also need to learn to just not give in to my freaking cravings. Oh, craving skittles? There's a vending machine downstairs. Coke? There's a vending machine downstairs. Honey Buns? See previous. I just need to STOP. I KNOW when I'm not hungry, but I try to convince myself that I AM hungry when I get a craving.

I am going to buckle down. Starting tomorrow. And by April, I WILL be more pleased with my body. I'm going to take a picture and track my progress. Thanks for all of your advice in my previous entry about weight loss.

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Breaking up.
Thursday. 1.5.12 10:54 pm
So I found out tonight that my mom and her boyfriend of three-ish years (the first and second years were somewhat on and off, the third was pretty solid considering he lived with us), and it kind of feels like a divorce.

Obviously it isn't, because they were never married in the first place. But I liked him. And I liked his daughter. I liked finally having a "younger sister" to talk to about things. And now our little family image that we've painted is fading.

I can't say I didn't see it coming, though. My mom's been really depressed lately, ESPECIALLY since Christmas and the New Year just ended. And things with them just haven't gotten any better. Constant fighting isn't healthy for any of us.

I honestly don't know how I feel about it. I don't want him to go, but I also don't want to keep seeing my mom become more and more numb and frustrated each day.

I don't know why I wrote this. I wanted to tell it to an anonymous audience, and of course unicornasaurus, but she already knew.


I ordered a bunch of stupid overpriced soaps from Lush that I'm really excited about. I've already used my Butterball bath bomb, my exfoliating porridge soap and my creamy vanilla in the mist soap. Never in my life have I been so excited about bathing.

I ALSO ordered a PillowPet set. If you ordered a regular sized pillow pet, you got a free pillow pet pee-wee. I ordered the panda pillow pet. So excited. But of COURSE they won't be delivered until two days after I go back to school -.- oh well, at least I go home on the weekends to work.

I also bought a few books for my Nook. I bought the Boy in the Striped Pajamas, The Hunger Games trilogy, The Maze Runner, and I feel like I bought something else but I forgot what it was. Anyways, I'm super excited to read these books. But I'm currently towards the end of Eldest from the Eragon series, and I'd like to finish that series before starting a new book.

So yeah, that's my life right now. School starts Monday. Can't complain, I'm ready to go back. Good luck to everyone who is going back to school or work on Monday!

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