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hikarixgaki
Age. 24
Gender. Female
Ethnicity.
Location , NJ
School. Boston Univ
» More info.
this is my site // disclaimer
P.S. The passwords to protected entries will always be "watermelon" as for 9/27/06. For all password protected entries before then, just ask me for it but most likely the password it "pleasedont".
listening
links out
background from createblog
people like reading surveys (no they don't)
10/3/08 (friday)
If you like someone, does his or her name start with a B,K,H,R,J,T,C,S,Z, or G?
umumummmm i just LOVE the letter J like all the time, for some reason, haha
and i think i actually do like someone whose name starts with a Z, but it's his last name

Is there anyone you really want to see right now?
yessiree

When did you first get Myspace?
middle of sixth grade, that one got deleted, made another one right after, deleted that one myself - this one's from about seventh grade, before eighth grade?

What kind of phone do you have?
some old ass phone - i don't even know what it is

What are you listening to?
karina - can't find the words

What are you doing two days from now?
mallin'? and running youth group, that's whats up (hahahaha wow)

Do you miss anyone?
yes!

What time is it?
11:20 (man, i really wanna say 12:51)

Are you wearing socks?
yeah, for once, my house is freezing

Do you regret something you did the day before yesterday?
i regret stuff all the time

Do you have anything in your pockets right now?
i don't have pockets

Are you comfortable with answering personal questions?
nobody reads these anyway

do/did you do good in school?
i'm like the second/third smartest in the grade (depending on who you ask, but definitely not first dammit >=O)

Have you made any mistakes recently?
yes!

Ever kissed someone who smokes?
gag

Is someone on your mind right now?
unfortunately

Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
i was thinking the other day about how friggin' spoiled i am, actually

Where were you at 2:02 am this morning?
i was either asleep or struggling to sleep

Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now?
NO

Did you go to sleep last night smiling?
i was pissed off, hahaha

Anyone told you a secret this week?
nobody tells me secrets anymore, i've learned to deal with it

Have you ever collapsed on the bathroom floor?
no

Do you have a good relationship with your father?
it's pretty good

When was the last time you bought something?
lunch!

Do you play an instrument?
i'm gonna go play the piano after this, actually! i should really cut my nails though

Is your phone within a meter radius of you?
i have no idea where it is, actually

what color is the thing you are sitting on right now?
black/dark gray/etc

Was this New Year's enjoyable?
it was okay

Are you high?
hell no

What is your desktop picture?
some random picture my brother drew - if i could find something good to change it to, i would, but i can't

Do you shop for clothes?
how else am i gonna get clothes?

are you listening to music right now?
OOOH IT'S WHAT YOU DO TO MEEEEEEEE

Who else is in the room with you?
nobody

Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
yeah!

How long can you go without your mobile phone?
i can go for months without my phone, but my dad would get pissed at me like 'your phone is for emergencies!' yadda yadda yadda i couldn't care less

If you won a shopping spree at the mall, which store would you run to first?
realistically like... louis vuitton, hahaha

Are you afraid of the dentist?
i'm afraid of throwing up at the dentist!

What do you eat on your hamburgers?
cheese, ketchup, a little mayo, lettuce, tomatoes, pretty much anything but raw onions

Are you organized?
i'm not ocd, but i keep my stuff in order

What do you do to relax before you fall asleep?
watch a little t.v.

Last song you downloaded?
a live version of jason mraz's "if it kills me"

Have you ever put Mentos in Coke?
nah

Do you wear glasses?
when i'm not wearing my contacts or sleeping

Ever made out with a monkey?
gross

When was the last time you went to the ocean?
like two summers ago (i don't belong in new jersey)

Would you marry the Burger King King?
no way

Ever take a dump in the woods?
never

How many times have you gone to the bathroom today?
at least... 5 (if you count going in to brush my teeth and stuff)

What room are you in?
my room, thanks

What color is your camera?
i don't have one, but if you count, like, my parents', then silver

Where is your room?
third floor?! i don't know how to explain it, my house is weird

What is the closest green item to you?
water... bottle... wrapper

Last time you saw your mother?
about an hour ago

What was it you last laughed about?
i don't even know...

Do you drink Red Bull or any other energy drink?
i'm trying to see how long i can go without drinking energy drinks

How often do you give high fives?
i give people high fives all the time now, hahaha, at least one a day

Where did you last eat?
my kitchen?!

What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
fruitista freeeeeeze, yum

When was the last time you saw your number 2?
randomized

Where is your biological father right now?
downstairs, probably on his laptop

Who took your profile picture?
photopass photographer! oh yeah

Do you celebrate monthly anniversaries?
never had one?

Name five peopl​e you'​ve talke​d to today​?​
ericka, jessica, christine, anasha, brother?!

Is anyth​ing wrong​ with your eyes?​
near sighted

Do you throw​ your candy​ wrapp​ers away?​
usually, though i save gum wrappers so i can spit the gum back into them when i throw them out? or does that count as throwing them away, hah

Last time you cried​?​ Why?
i don't know, but i kinda feel like it now?

Do you cry when you get an injur​y?
not often, depends on how serious the injury is?!

Do you know anyon​e with the same middl​e name as you?
no, actually, i know nicole's but no nicolettes

Where​ did you sleep​ last night​?​
my bed?!

Have you ever falle​n backw​ards on a chair​?​
i think so, lmao

Are you happy​ right​ now?
eh...

Do you miss anyon​e?​
of course

Do you ever try to write​ with your non-​domin​ant hand?​
tons of times! i've tried perfecting it, i want to be ambidextrous so bad hahaha

Do you get annoy​ed when you see some sort of bug flyin​g aroun​d at the corner of your eye?
not really, unless it's like... coming towards me

Who starr​ed in your last dream​?​
i don't know, actually

Whats​ on your mind right​ now?
whoever just signed off right now

Is there​ someo​ne on your mind that shoul​dn'​t be?
YES YES A MILLION TIMES YES

How many pillo​ws do you sleep​ with?​
three - one body pillow and two regular pillows

What are you drink​ing right​ now?
frutista freeze!

What are you weari​ng right​ now?
random t-shirt and exercise-kind-of pants

Have you ever been awake​ for 48 hours?
nah

What are you liste​ning to?
the go! team - doing it right
(i'm changing it right now though hahaha)

How'​s the weath​er?​
TOO COLD

Do you like the color​ gray?​
it's a pretty chill color

Are you jealo​us of anyon​e right​ now?
YES x 24059384095890345, always

Do you regre​t doing​ somet​hing today​?​
yeah!

Have you lost conta​ct with someo​ne you wish you didn'​t?​
everyone

Do you think​ you'​re old?
not really

Are you afrai​d of the dark?​
i'm afraid of what's in the dark! so cliche now

What are you looki​ng forwa​rd to in the next month​?​
3-day weekend?! is my life really that boring?!

When is the last time you talke​d to numbe​r 1 on your top frien​ds?​
randomized

Have you told anybo​dy you loved​ them today​?​
sure?!

Who do you trust​ with EVERY​THING​?​
nobody, honestly

Somet​imes do you wish you were someo​ne else?​
ALL THE FUCKING TIME

Have you ever told anyon​e you were OK when you reall​y weren​'​t?​
also ALL THE FUCKING TIME

Do you think​ anyon​e in gener​al out there​ loves​ you?
hah, besides family, i doubt it

What is one thing​ you miss about​ your past?​
not being so fucking paranoid of everyone that i'm friends with, that anything and everything that i say will eventually be used against me (really!)

Do you talk a lot?
YES

If you play guita​r hero,​ are you on easy,​ mediu​m,​ hard,​ or exper​t?​
expert! beast (no)

Do you chew on rando​m thing​s?​
hahahahaha... no

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willy-nilly-silly-ole-bear
8/22/08 (friday)
I'm as bored as ever.

and I miss Disney World.

I seriously belong there, I really do.

(Either that, or I'll just never grow up. I'd be a little six-year-old girl forever, with no responsibilities, believing in magic...)

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this is my freaking postsecret
8/11/08 (monday/sunday night)
I still want to consider you guys friends.
I don't know how that can be possible if I always have to second-guess whatever I say to you all (including inviting you guys places).
Really, if I'm constantly afraid of you judging me, I don't know how it'll work out.
Plus, if we were really friends, I wouldn't be afraid at all. But because I feel like you're constantly talking behind my back and can't even trust me, I put the blame on myself, making me feel bad and guilty.
It actually makes me cry.

TO DO:
- work out more often
- practice instruments more often
I really have to work harder at bettering myself.
Inspired by the Olympics? You bet.

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are you serious?
7/17/08 (thursday)
You feel betrayed over something that happened over a year ago? You feel betrayed because of stupid little words? Words that had no effect over anything until you chose to unleash your wrath upon me with them? Hey, if I knew that saying such a thing would pretty much destroy my life, I wouldn't have said them, believe me. I tried apologizing, but no, that's not good enough. You knew I wouldn't be able to say it to your face? Huh? Oh okay, completely ignore the fact that I wrote a full page, not even spaced!, explaining to you why I had to do it, apologizing my heart out for it. Just focus on the fact that I can't even say it. Because if I do say it, God forbid I break out in tears and can't even finish a sentence because my life has just been so fucked up because of it. Four little words! You're overreacting!

Well, I know you've forgiven me for it. But think about what it's done to me, please. I mean, once the spotlight comes off of you for just one second. I feel like nobody even trusts me anymore because of the barrages of "OH, WELL, I THOUGH I COULD TRUST EVERYONE"s that you threw all over the place. Every time a survey asks what a friend should be, the first thing you write is "trustworthy". And I know, I'm 100% that it's all because of me. Because of something that really had absolutely NO effect on your life, whatsoever. Thinking about it now, I think you just blew it way out of proportion because I've been a really bad friend from the beginning. That you just wanted to break it off then so that we wouldn't have to be friends anymore when we'd split up for high school. Because really, I told him that. Fine, I know it was wrong. He left the school a few months later. And ten months later, you get mad at me for it! Well, it was torture enough having to keep my secret a secret from everyone. And you flaunt it around to everyone, including him!, and you expect me to realize that it's still a secret. It's not like you're making it obvious enough already! (That last part made no sense.) He told no one before he left, and nobody he talks to now probably cares about the little crush that a girl at his old school had.

Oh, back to why I'm writing this. Okay, this happened a long time ago, probably a year ago, and I know you've forgiven me and everything, but I still feel so outside of your group. Is it that you don't want me to hang out with you anymore because you've got so many better friends? Are you just leaving me behind because of a little molehill that you made into a mountain? Please, totally disregard the first twelve, thirteen years of our lives, when we were best friends. Hell, I didn't know that a guy would break us apart. It wasn't even directly his fault either! It was the fact that you liked him and I told somebody. I did one thing and that completely destroys your trust in me. I know you have so many better friends, friends that you'd rather take places instead of me. I know that you have that kind of influence over them that they'd rather hang out with you instead of me too. So I get left behind not once, not twice, but three times by them. And you probably only asked them once to go to the carnival and they said sure! And you all went along, took pictures, had the time of your fucking lives, and posted them on the internet for all, including people that you didn't even fucking mention it to! to see.

I'm overreacting, I know. You did it too, though, admit it. I know you've forgiven me, and honestly, I wasn't really mad at you. (Well, except for that whole, "I had the guts to apologize and you don't even acknowledge it?!" thing. That pissed me off.) I'm more mad at myself. I'm even more pissed at myself now for being such a damn loner. I haven't gone out with friends or anything since I went to Six Flags last June, and that was just with two people. I invite almost all of the friends that I had, which isn't really a lot even, maybe around ten, and only two of them could show up. One of whom I didn't even invite at first 'cause we're not that close. Two other people canceled at the last minute. Oh, it's not like we're buying the tickets in advance guys. Just cancel after we've bought them so that we can have (paid for) leftovers! Yay! The last time I had seen more people than that was almost a month ago already. I've been planning to go to the mall with people, but they keep canceling the day of and I'm just not bothering anymore because I'm almost certain that they're doing it on purpose because they hate me. Hey, when they first invited me, I was sure that they were only doing it because they felt sorry for me anyway. Sorry because nobody wants to hang out with me anymore because of all the shit she's probably told them about me behind my back.

Hah! I'd try to make friends at school, but that's complicated. I know a bunch of people at school, I'm friendly with them, but they have their own friends. I'm just another acquaintance they have. The problem is, I don't have any friends to turn around to after seeing 'acquaintances' at school. And everyone lives so far away that I can't go to their houses or anything for fun. The mall is a long way to drive to hang out with people that probably have other friends they'd rather hang out with. The friends that live close by and ride the bus with me have their own lives, their own friends that they'd rather hang out with as well. So where does that leave me? I want to think that my old friends are the one that I'd turn to, but they don't want me around either.

So, as a result, I'm stuck at home all day. It drives me crazy.
I tell people that I see texting a billion people at a time on their sidekick or enV, "Man, I'd trade anything to have a life like yours," and they say, "No, you don't want my life, trust me!" but really, I do. Having a bunch of people, dealing with drama and all that, I want that. It's better than moping around by myself all day because I feel like nobody likes me. That's the worst feeling in the world, really. Well, really, failure is. But that's a failure in itself. (That didn't make sense either, what?)
I think about it even further, and instead of trying to talk to my friends and all that, I mope about it on the internet to people who could care less. I'd talk to them, but whenever I do, it feels so forced and I get the feeling that they don't want to talk to me and that just ruins everything. So I avoid talking in general.
I don't know, everything I do seems to screw up everything else. Really, if it weren't for my grades and the prospect of a better future (? hah!), it would feel like I have nothing to live for.

I'm probably just being emmooootionaaaallll/nitpicky/whatever. I find flaws in myself, flaws in other people, whatever. I think way too much, trying to find reasons for everything, ranging from what other people do and think and feel to blaming myself for everything, and this is what it does to me.

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oh hey nutang
2/3/08 (sunday)
Did I ever tell anyone how, after I surf a few pages on Nutang, the pages just stop loading? Yeah, that's been happening for a while. It's kinda been discouraging me from commenting people and being on Nutang now. Sorry?

There was a play today that I really wanted to watch at PC that had two of my friends (who were probably the only two freshmen in the play anyway) in it, but I couldn't go because no one would go with me. I don't want to show up at the play myself, do I? Plus, my mom had to pick up my dad from his job in Newark around the same time, and that's just way too far for her to drive.
Oh yeah, and on the way to Newark, we were driving through Belleville instead of going on a highway or something, and I realized that that half of my town is really... ghetto. Like, robbery and spraypaint ghetto. I see why my parents don't want me to go to the public school here. I feel really snobby for saying that, though.

I actually have to write an essay for history right now. "Conflicts between Sunni and Shiites - Interpret conflict between what they believe - interpretation of Korean in different ways." My history teacher is crazy. Our midterm was fifty multiple choice questions, then five short answers (which have to be one huge paragraph each - "They're 'short' answers but they are NOT short, ladies and gentlemen.") and one, full five paragraph essay, all to be done in an hour and a half. I didn't finish the essay and I started freaking out, but I ended up getting a pretty damn good 96, so it's all good. Oh hey, I got off topic.

Oh man, I want something else to write here so I don't have to write about history stuff. History stuff is boring.

Every day, upon arriving home, I play Rock Band. I've been beast at guitar since the summer, since I would play it almost every day for lack of anything better to do. I can't sing in the first place, but I try. I love playing the drums though, the song "Maps" is really fun to do and I play it pretty much every time I get to play the drums, period. I tried singing and playing the guitar yesterday too! It's really fun. Hard, but fun. Probably like how singing and playing the guitar is in reality! I can do that with the song "Wonderwall" but the chords I use are different from the real ones anyway, and I can't get the bridge down right. Whatever! I should learn the drums in real life too.
On that same note, I think I'll try entering the music program at my school next year. I didn't do it this year for several reasons. One, they asked for people interested to come at the beginning of the year when I was feeling really down about myself and I didn't have any friends. Two, I'm only 'okay' at the piano and I never practice, though I have been playing for around four years and I have some skillz. I play some songs really well, but if I don't like the song, I don't practice it. Third, the music director already plays the piano, and I can't play any other instrument. I saw a girl play the piano at one of the school masses a while ago, but she was really good and didn't mess up. It's impossible for me to play the piano without messing up at least once. And in front of the freshman and sophomore classes, combined, about eight hundred kids? I don't think I could take that. Nobody would care, since nobody pays attention to mass anyway, tsk tsk, but it would eat away at me, seriously.

I'm really nervous about playing softball for PC. I've only been to one out of three workouts, and I nearly fainted at the one I went to because I didn't have water and I hadn't done anything physical before then (besides jogging on the treadmill once every, what, two weeks? and some lifting). I've been starting to exercise more often, though, because not being able to keep up while everyone else is jogging is embarassing as hell. I really want to make the team though - I love playing softball and playing a sport will make me feel less like a loser!

My friends and I have started a youth group at their church! I don't go to their church or anything, but I used to, and I feel like I'm giving back to my old church by participating and planning all this cool stuff for the youth of the parish. That's the thing, though, I feel bad because I don't really contribute to the planning process because I'm really quiet and I don't have a lot of ideas. I do, however, like helping out, and I'll take whatever I can get, right? That doesn't make sense.
Youth group's helped me keep in touch with a bunch of my friends, though, and make a bunch of new ones as well. For one, my friends and I rarely see each other anymore since we don't go to the same schools anymore, so I get to see at least one of them at youth group every Sunday. (It's kind of made me dislike some of my friends though - out of all of the friends that I asked, only two of them went - the only two that actually go to that parish - and one of them has pretty much stopped going. Well, whatever.) I'm the only one there that goes to my school so I've met a lot of people that go to public schools, the Mount, one kid even goes to Regis in New York. I've been keeping up with my other friends through myspace and facebook and all that jazz, but it's really better to keep up with people face-to-face, right?

I write really long entries for Nutang. I don't know why. I should start on that essay now.

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whoa
1/8/08 (monday, but it\'s really early tuesday mor
I have $15 already! wow, i hadn't even realized.

um... well, i was going to write an entry today about how much my life sucks and how i should have never written that last entry about how life is so amazing and such. but then today, i guess, something changed. it's weird, like, i must expect so much out of my friends once i write more than a few paragraphs about how much i love them, and when i meet them again, it just doesn't meet my expectations. so then i become depressed, i get into an 'everybody-hates-me' mode and such. but then today, i felt happy again. people were talking to me, and hey, i actually made eye contact with some people i never talk to (though that probably makes no sense to others and it probably won't to me when i read this again, it makes sense to me right now), so i guess life is good.

i shouldn't jinx it, though.

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