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Tuesday. 6.5.18 9:54 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

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Friday. 5.25.18 7:13 pm
It was his birthday recently. I said happy birthday. I think I’ve said it before, but I truly hope the best for him. I know writing about him makes you think I’m probably still in love with him. I’m not. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about him from time to time. This dude saw me grow up. From 21 until 26. He saw me before I became a nurse, when I started my career, and the growth that my profession provided me. He gets credit for shaping me through 5 years of my life. At one point, we both thought this was it. My family also thought this was it. I told him about the heart shaped engagement ring I wanted, we talked about how our wedding hopefully would be a destination one so some family members won’t come (lol). We talked about having kids and what we would do differently from our parents. At the same time, I would wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and stare at him. I’d think “this isn’t what I want.” Isn’t that scary? I stayed after feeling that way on and off for a year and a half. That sounds harsh. Part of me, I’m sure stayed because I was comfortable. But a big part of me stayed because I wanted us to work despite my feelings. I thought, fake it until you make it. I thought that this was a normal feeling couples have. I now realize it isn’t normal. And if it is, it’s toxic. Every time I look back and time passes, I realize we weren’t a good fit. We couldn’t make eachother happy. I think we tried very hard, but we couldn’t. I really miss him though. As a friend, as a confidante, as my best secret keeper. But you can’t be selfish and keep someone for those reasons when you don’t love them anymore. Not when they want more. Also, how do you move on and trust someone new if you continue to depend on someone from your past? You can’t.

New beau
and then, there’s Seth. He’s pretty darn cool. He’s the guy that told me we are going to get married, have two kids, and live in a one story house. So sweet lol. I was worried before my vacation, to ask him if we are exclusive. I’m clearly still healing from my breakup, so I don’t want to be official yet. But I didn’t want to date someone who still is looking for other options. He told me the day before I asked him if we were exclusive that he always knew he wouldn’t find the one until he was in his 30’s. I jokingly said “well, here I am!” And he chuckled.
The next day I asked him, very nervously:
“So...we’re only dating eachother right?”
He jokingly said “well, you basically proposed to me yesterday...”
“So! What does that mean? Lol. We’re only dating eachother right?”
“You promise?”
“I promise”

He took me to the airport for my vacation. I’m still on it! Went to EDC and now I’m SD with the family. When I get back, Seth is going to Oregon for work. Can’t tell him because of dating rules lol, but I miss him. I’ve been having a blast without him ^___^ but I mostly miss cuddling with him.

Anyways. That’s all for today. I’m done lol. Let’s hope they both don’t read these blogs haha!

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