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afterhours = meredithelaine

Age. 42
Gender. Female
Ethnicity. in desperate need of a tan
Location San Diego, CA
School. Univ of Scranton
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jonah matranga (far, onelinedrawing, etc.)
Saturday. 10.6.07 1:53 pm
eric and i went to see jonah the other night at the casbah. what an adorably sweet, humble, awkward-ish sort of dude. we chit-chatted, shared some stories...he asked what we wanted to hear, and he played them. before he played the song that i requested ("smile"), he said, "this is for an adorable couple that is here tonight. and to know that my music has played a part in their relationship is such an amazing thing. thank you for that."

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Wednesday. 9.26.07 9:43 pm
through a link courtesy of halfofus.com, i took this mental health quiz. it told me that i may be suffering from the following 5 "problem areas":

Suicidal with Major Depression

Social Phobia


Alcohol Dependence

Anorexia Nervosa

HAHAHAHAHA. that last one makes me laugh so hard. i am 5'5" and now up to 210 pounds, i don't think there's any chance of me being anorexic. have i exhibited anorexic behaviors? yes, as well as bulimic, etc. that's been the story of my life since i was about 9 years old.

alcohol dependence - that's a touchy subject, since my father's a lush. i've had some problems in the past (due to depression), but have always dug myself out of it. at this point, i just like to party with my friends.

and the suicidal with major depression, social phobia and agoraphobia...???

i have been on this earth 32 years. if i haven't killed myself yet, or gone too far over the deep end, i think i'm alright.

this coming from the girl who has been officially diagnosed with depression, panic attacks, obsessive compulsive disorder, bipolar type 2, and borderline personality disorder.

yeah world. you can't get rid of me that fucking easily. i'm a resilient bitch.

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i want what i can't have
Monday. 9.24.07 10:39 pm
i spent a good hour crying my eyes out yesterday. why? because i had attempted to go clothes shopping. needless to say, it did not go well.

everything i tried on either didn't fit, made me look deformed, or made me look pregnant. not that looking pregnant is a bad thing. you know, if you ARE, IN FACT, preggers. which i am not.

is going out to gilly's 3 nights a week good for me? probably not. but i'm trying to make changes in other areas of my life - how i eat, etc., and i just seem to get puffier and puffier. i'm drinking a lot more water. i'm cutting WAY down on my sodium. i only drink diet soda and skim milk. i'm obsessed with nutrional labels, and try to buy things as low-fat as possible. give me the nutrional info for a random food, and i can tell you how many WeightWatchers Points it has.

i don't know what course of action to take, and i won't until at least november, when i have my first appointment with the specialist. should i not be eating carbs? eating ONLY carbs? eliminating wheat? dairy? or is it a hormonal/thyroid thing that i'll need to be on some medication for, for the rest of my life? do i need to just stop eating altogether and jog 14.26 miles a day? i have no fucking idea and it's driving me mad.

it's discouraging. i look in the mirror and want to cry, hurt myself...i just...don't know anymore. i HATE what i see. i HATE myself. i haven't hated myself this much in a very long time, and i don't have high self esteem to begin with. i have all these people in my life, who like me, love me, want to hang out with me...and i just keep asking myself WHY? why would anyone want to be associated with someone as hideous as me. i'm back to the highest weight i've ever been in my life. it wouldn't be quite as bad if i was a pretty, big girl. i know a lot of full-figured girls who are GORGEOUS. and they walk like HELLO, I AM YOUR DREAM COME TRUE, worship me like the goddess i am. i am not that lucky. i don't even look like myself. i am warped and hideous.

really, i'm fucking intolerable.

and i want to do something about it. i want to try. but i don't know what i can/can't/should/shouldn't do, and considering how messed up my health has been lately, i'm scared to fuck it up even WORSE by making changes to my diet, etc., that end up being the wrong thing to do, you know?

one of the things i've wanted most, and always have wanted most, in my entire life, is to be skinny. maybe that's messed up of me, but growing up as the fat girl (and having a gorgeous, skinny older sister), it just became an obsession. an unattainable, golden prize of an obsession.

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another 5K for another great cause...
Sunday. 9.23.07 8:35 pm
AIDS WALK SAN DIEGO (click for my details)

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break me, even at the age i am
Thursday. 9.20.07 12:25 am
it doesn't seem quite fair that my father has the ability to break me, at age 32. some of the things he says, and the way he says them, are so BITING and condescending, that it makes me feel worthless.

i'll always be about 12 years old in his eyes - if that.

i'm not STUPID. i'm not unintelligent or incapable of making decisions for myself. why is his default assumption that i have no idea what i'm doing? just because i'm not exactly like HIM and doing things the way that he would, doesn't make the things that i do or decisions i make INVALID.

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save the boobies!
Wednesday. 9.19.07 12:31 am
i am participating in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk here in San Diego in October.

details here: http://main.acsevents.org/goto/meri


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