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it's been a bit.
Saturday. 12.6.08 2:41 am

it's been a bit of time hasn't it?

quiet retrospection, personal indecision, triumphs in victory, and tragedies in time. I've been silenced. I've seen too much. I'm melting into the false warmth, the hazy aftermath, the oozing of my time, I'm scared.

I've let go. Since that may. that tragedy in may. since my stupidity, lets call naive immaturity. I wanted to experience that world, the one dreamt of by little girls and boys across the world. To breath deep the air of resilient freedom, of possibility unburdened by obligation and nuclear values. I forgot that with walking, comes snow and frostbite. consequences inevitable for, nature chooses as she wishes and lays low for no man.

i saw a picture of him today.

what miracles wires and metal are for humanity these days. It brings us warmth, shelter, and the worst of all knowledge. We have the nifty ability to create worlds and connections all via glass, light, and metal. These inventions of great impact, touch us on every level. Sociologically and psychologically.

I saw a picture of him today.

He was standing with a girl, smiling.

I get those shivers, not the ones that so conveniently run down your spine but the ones that convulse your body, remove control from your synapses, and shake your core. The shiver that knows. knows of your plight. knows of those well kept secrets. the shiver that bricks through a home, leaving tatters broken and windows shattered.

i shivered.

These broken thoughts of mine. these broken actions. where have i run to these days. hiding behind a slurry of films, music, and nicotine. I've lost me. Lost sight of the real goal. I allowed myself, lead the pack, over to the stripping kennel and left, hollow and unremarkable. Where am i child. where am i?


i hope.


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long nights and short days.
Tuesday. 1.30.07 3:02 pm
its good to listen to soothing music.

whatever lies underneath, whatever we hide from our beliefs, its something that you can't hold its something a bit too ephemeral. i wish you the best. may you find your peace

i like this. this whole listening to wild music. the bass beats heavy under where you never expect it to touch... reaching deeper in you than you ever let any boy...


nah has had a surge of creativity and amazing ideas. i really like what shes doing. i wish i could harness some of it. it is very inspiring. i rather enjoy listening to it. it makes your blood rush a bit and incites your subconscious to come out and play for a bit. my oh my do i wish i could write like that. but thats what she was made for. what a glorious writer she'll be. undoubtedly... i like it. she was made for it. it's good. and i should be doing what i was made for. well.. i rather... i rather am ok. i'm at this odd flux in life. i understand i'm a little too attached to noah but she's what i've got. thats about it. she is what i've got and i like hanging out with her. haha, i'll be ok one day. cause yes. i know we'll have to transverse that open field into the dark unknown, barely lit by the thoughts and hopes of our youth. but until that day comes to pass, we'll wave back in forth in the night, contemplating the thoughts of life and accepting one another in the depths of winter. it's a good place to be. spring will come with it's new life and interesting interactions but for now a touch of solitude is a good thing. i'm rather enjoying this.

yes. solitude. it's nice.

haha, solitude with noah in it. but thats ok. it's how i live my life and thus. i live.

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Tuesday. 1.16.07 2:48 am
so that insidious mood that reeked of the stench of cynicism and sore words has now been demolished. Noah has this nifty ability to quell whatever anger or discomfort sits within me. whether or not i know what causes my distress i can trust her to Aleve it. How absolutely beautiful. I know what and why the world is the way it is. we make excuses for our denials, I of all people should know best, and eventually through the correct utilization of wisdom and thought one (along with the massive help of others) can correct devise a solution to all qualms. I feel better. it's like taking that long road trip with it's many twists and winds the snake like curvature of it causing great pleasure and dislike all the same. That beautiful scenery of seeing what possibilities lie ahead in culmination of an odious sickening of the stomach, motion being it's main cause. We must deal with out problems at hand. yes, the sights and possibilities of being, even remotely possible... well is beautiful. but the motion and action of it actually happening doesn’t feel right and subsequently will turn sour. What we molded out of our wants and inabilities, our hopes and actualities worked out. we understand and know. and thus. everything is ok.

this doesn't mean my cynicism on the fallibility of love and it's disgustingly impossible prospects have disintegrated completely but i believe it's time to take a step back and allow the interests of the day to wither as they always do. It's winter now, let those stalky greens take their long reprieve and winters caresses put them to sleep. There may be a spring to come but for now i'll dilly dattle here where i know i've never visited. The streets are glistening with ice and it's a place i've rarely been. Never have i been ice skating. it's time to see what solitude is like.

hello winter. it's nice to meet you.

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think deeper will yah??
Wednesday. 12.27.06 5:35 pm

i was thinking there’s a loss of originality. there’s no surge for creativity left in our souls are there. there are those tiny little eccentricies that drive those tiny little people but insignificant as they are much more meaningful will the their lives be. we , of the corporate ladder. we of the books with their studies, of the medical instruments and their sharp edges, we of the padded bank accounts and warm comfy beds lack. lack in life. lack in the riches of riches. lack the walks in the dumpsters, lack the dark and dirty alley ways where’s stars are found. lack the grunge needed for prospering. the prospering of the mind. we lack the profound ability to find, uniquely, our comedy. there’s an intensity lost in our seemingly ordinary stature. we are to be great entrepreneurs, doctors lawyers the like but always seem to fall short. yes, we may reach the great heights describes to us by those willing high school teachers and money mongers but we fall deeper below the depths of meaning. we miss that instinctual ability to wander about youth and it's generosity. to feels it's backlash in pain to caress the beauty of spontaneity. we are uniform. they are handmade. we are mass produced, they are one of a kinds.

and since when did it become we.

since when did i become mass produced...

since when was i synthetic.

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Thursday. 11.9.06 1:02 am
This all seems so incredibly retarted. i am young and vibrant with a whole life in front of me and since when have things become so insanly serious. to take something key from a good friend living an amazing life, you are young but once. live life as you wish to. i know i have to do alot of things to prepare for the future but that doesn't mean i have to make my life only for the future... life now will only be here today. what i have now is what will be lost tommorow. i need to take capture of that.

to sit and remember the cold rain with shrieking laughter and dancing, animalistic, idiotic, sheer balistically happy dancing. we were free children living a free life... what has happened to that spirit and passion. life was our goal, a goal that we achieved every min of every day. we were the definition of life. Art, books, MUSIC, passion, tehre are so many things i should be filling my self w other then stupid drama. i am no longer in highschool and need to grow. what ever impeads me from enjoying what youth i have well then. doesn't need to happen. i'm not explaining this well...

theres a chemistry with everything. with people with life. take a couple of young kids, doe eyed and up for a little experimentation with briillient minds and mix it all up with music art and philosphy. watch the magic happen. we never missed a beat cause we made our own music. we never lost that shiver from sheer excitement and joy to create thoughts and yes... magic.

take a two old friends... children lost once and now a little found. take the old comfortability with the instantaneous ability to gel. take that amazing "click" that people wander the dust for decades searching for. take the laughter that runs for days and intellectual stimulation that puts you in a daze. see there's chemistry in everything.

once you mix the right things together, only more things can happen.

joyous, exuberent, and beautiful. that's how i see my friends. the ones i lost, the ones that stand with me, and the ones i still hold dear. i am picky. but through selection the greatest memories have been made, the greatest laughs laughed, the greatest kisses kissed, and the greatest tears cried. we are amazing together.

there was no effort in it's beauty. spontaneous and georgeous. that is how i view those who have affected me so deeply. but that's just it. spontaneous and meaningful. no effort, just. thats what it was. if i wanted it bad enough it worked and when it didn't i cried but you know... i loved and cared. now, no. life is different. these people are different. and that spark. that amazing spark inexpressable via the english language doesn't exist here. and i have to accept that.

it's not that i didn't try. it's that it never existed. so friends, maybe. more? no. cause i need that spark.

lets be young for a change. forget the books. forget the chem. forget the expecations. be young. for fleeting it is...

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Sunday. 11.5.06 7:39 pm
noah's poem.... after... the phone call....

The Vastness of the Sea

It's one of those days

Where breathing

Becomes a curse,

And you find yourself,


With such incomprehensible hunger,

Such incomprehensible thirst,

And such incomprehensible pain

And when, the darkness of the ocean

Seeps through

The cracks of a,

Sealed wound

And the salt

Discovers the warmth

Of the veins

You find yourself

Ripped to the core

And a tiny heart beats

Against the vastness of the sea

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