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À Bout de Souffle
Out of Breath
Maybe I Don't Have the Blues
You or the Blues

If you don't like the blues,
Lors a mussey! Neither can I
Well if it's you don't like the blues
I s'pose then neither can I
Cause if your lordly will won't permit it
I'm 'unna hafta bid 'em goodbye

We can toss my rhythm out the window
Flush my 12 bars down the drain
Yeah, throw my rhythm out the window
And flush all 12 bars down the drain
Chuck my harmonica in the fire
And leave my ol' guit' out in the rain

See if the blues don't make you happy
I guess we can throw them out
Or perhaps if the blues don't make you happy
Then, Lord, I could throw you out
But if I have to choose between you and the blues
Well either way I'm gonna pout

Col' Blooded Blues

Col' blooded! Can't feel my toes
Col' blooded! You know I think dey is froze
Aww my blood is runnin' cold every time it snows

Col' blooded! She a col' blooded croc
Col' blooded! Restin' on a rock
Aww the only time she warm is at noon o' clock

Col' blooded! Sleepin' in a log
Col' blooded! With the col' blooded frogs
Aww she left me cold down in the bog

Col' blooded! Got the col' blooded blues
Col' blooded! Body heat's what I lose
Aww the only thing keeps me warm is some hot-bottled booze

Little Red Robot

Ain't got an essay done
Since my little red robot been gone
No I ain't got one spreadsheet done
Since my little red robot been gone
I been tryin' to crunch numbers on paper
But all my digits been wrong

If you see my little red robot
Scan this picture of the shape I'm in
Well if you see that little red robot
Scan this picture of the shape I'm in
I ain't gotten any email in my inbox
Lord, since my little red robot knows when

If you see my little red robot
Tell him to program a route back home
Aw if you see my little red robot
Program his software the way to get home
If his software can't be programmed
Toss over this way a chewy motherboard bone

Blue Moon Blues

I got them blue moon blues
Aw I got them blue moon blues
If this only happens once in a blue moon, then I ain't got much to lose

Oh them blue moon blues are waxin'
I said those blue moon blues are waxin'
Tryin' to live my life in the dark of a new moon is taxin'

I'll be howlin' at that blue moon
Oh you know I'm howlin' at the blue moon
If I don't quit my howlin', I'm gonna be a blue moon werewolf soon

I said AhhhhOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo
I want to eat your flesh

Illiteracy Blues

Got some illiterate blues
Aww-aw, in my dyslexic shoes
Got some illiterate blues
Aww-aw, you know I'm missin' some screws
The way them blues ills me, baby,
Lord knows I can't even read the news

Got some illiterate blues
Aww-aw, you heard, I iterate illness
Got some illiterate blues
Aww-aw, you know I just wanna kill this
I try to pour myself a lonesome drink,
Aw, Lord knows I'm gonna spill this

Got some illiterate blues
Aww-aw, ain't no time for simple learnin'
Got some illiterate blues
Aww-aw, prevents my pages from turnin'
The only verse that keeps me satisfied in this cold night
Are those warm pages I'm burnin'

Blind Mice Blues

Got blues of mice who are blind
Lord, I got blues of mice who are blind
While they are hard to catch, it's us that they'll never find

Oh I got blues of the blind mice
Said I got blues of these blind mice
To e-rat-icate these rodents from my house, I'd pay any price

Got the blind mice blues
Got a case of the blind mice blues
Instead of chewin' cheese, dey chewing holes in my shoes

Blues Suck Blues

Aww that col' hearted lady
She wanna silence what I say
You know that col' hearted lady,
Oh, she wanna silence what I say
She gonna hate my ol' guitar
Even though I never hurt her in any way

I'm 'unna go down to Lakewood
Aww, with my six-string by my side
Yeah I'm 'unna go down to Lakewood
With my ol' six-string by my side
When I sing a sweet, sweet song to the lady
Aww let her tell me she ain't satisfied

But I will drink muddy water, woman
I will bathe in the boggy muck
Said I'll drink muddy water, woman
And bathe in that boggy muck
I'll lead a life of exile, lady
If you persist that my blues songs suck

Back Stabbin' Blues

Got a sword in my back,
Lord gotta sword in my back
Dear God I'm bleedin' all over, gotta cut me some slack

You know I turn around an instant
And I kneel down to pray
Said I turn around just one instant
Makin' the motion to pray
Aw the dear Lord answer my prayers
In a most upsettin' way

Yeah gotta sword in my back
Whoa, got this sword in my back
Turn a droopin' eye lookin' elsewhere, get a blindsided attack

Well I think I'll just lie down now
Gonna bleed out this misery
I'm 'unna just lie back now
Let it bleed out my misery
Well the Lord put a down payment on my soul
With a lifetime warranty

Gotta sword all up ins
Yeah gotta a sword in my back
But before I die, I just need to tell yo... ACK!

Fat Man Blues

Does the ground shake when you walk?
Do the trees tremble when you tread nearby?
Said does the ground shake where you walk?
Do trees tremble as you tread nearby?
The way your footsteps causin' craters
Aw you know you're gonna make the earth cry

Gonna jog another mile, baby,
Cause I got the baby-fat big-bone blues
Yeah gonna swim another lap, baby,
Awww cause o' them blubber-belly man-boob blues
Gonna keep on shadow boxin' all night
Cause' I got a couple lovehandles to lose

Gotta get that stomach stapled shut, son
Gotta get that belly lipo'd off
Yeah try to staple that stomach shut, son
Get that jiggly ol' belly lipo'd off
Get that triple bypass heart clog cleared, son,
An' stay away from that pig food trough

Maybe I Don't Have the Blues

Maybe I don't got the blues
I might just be teetering on teal
It could be I don't got the blues
But I'm just teetering on teal
Could be some aquamarine or green
Can help me see just what I feel

Maybe I don't got the blues
But I just don't wanna risk it
Said maybe I don't got the blues
But you know I cannot risk it
Perhaps I had the blues once
And I just kinda missed it

Yeah maybe I don't got the blues
But, you know, the blues had me
Maybe I don't got the blues
But maybe the blues had me
The blues had me locked in a sad lonesome cage,
But it seems they let me free

Maybe I don't got the blues
In fact I'm feelin' rather glad
So maybe I don't got the blues
Since I'm feelin' rather glad
Don't know what malaise crept right upon me
To make me feel what I felt I had

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Who I am not (Parts I-IV)
I. Orpheus

My dog flees from pluckèd strings;
her fleas command my tune.

What hollow body holds a rhyme
as long as my neck’s breath?

I could domesticate myself,
but in taming our lions
we tame our pride.

II. Abel

My brother is his brother’s keeper.

I am uncle to no abomination.

As we lay in the Garden,
(our hair in the earth)
I question:

Is Heaven above
because our heads are the seat of doubt, or
because our feet are the root of evil?

III. Hector

I was not breast fed.

I am not a fountain.

I will not hector you.

IV. Adam

Even if He and I practice Our secret handshake
in the Sistine Chapel;

Even if He sends me an angelic bath basket
with ambrosial soul cleanser
and holy bubble bombs
(courtesy of The Body Shop);

Even if I am the round reflection
of an ever-changing God;

I still have to ask:

Is Heaven above?
Because my head is the seat of doubt.

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New Egypt
Day breaks on the moon, illuminating the outlines of scores of chalky pyramids against the inky black sky of space. A luminous green floating pyramid zooms above and momentarily traces the movement of a figure below before flying off to another location. The figure is REN, a human-shaped robot with a ceramic jackal face, who carts a sarcophagus with a heap of valuables past the rows of the pyramids before stopping at Pyramid 72C. Ren, in a methodical, programmed manner, places the sarcophagus into one of the bricks in the outer wall of the pyramid, when suddenly a hook comes from the side and shatters Ren’s face, leaving only the eyes and some damaged circuitry behind. The hook is NEATBEARD’s left hand. Neatbeard is a human who wears a patch, scraggly clothes, and other pirate clichés, especially a long, unkempt beard. Neatbeard quickly modifies the hovercart’s control panel, and speeds away with all of the valuables and the incapacitated Ren. It’s not long before a hovering green pyramid catches sight of the speeding cart and tracks Neatbeard from above. A dozen jackal robots like Ren start chasing the cart, but Neatbeard swats them away with his hook and whips at them with his beard while laughing maniacally. Cannon fire strikes the green pyramid and temporarily freezes it while Neatbeard boards the ship that fired the shot. Several more green pyramids tail the ship and shoot lasers at it from the crosses at their peaks, as the pirate ship flees the moon’s orbit successfully and enters invisibility mode.

Neatbeard and his shipmates repair Ren’s circuitry, who upon waking attempts to attack them in vain, because he’s chained down. Neatbeard activates a voicebox chip that allows Ren to speak for the first time ever. Neatbeard explains to Ren that robots like himself are merely mass-produced for certain tasks by the capitalist humans who live in the satellites around the dead Earth. The ageless THOTH, the leader of the church and state, uses the guise of religion to subdue the masses and prescribes that the people bury themselves along with all of their valuables, which the moon-based government simply takes and sells back to others. Ren refuses to accept that he was created for one purpose and decides to leave the ship to try to find the answers to his identity.

Neatbeard’s ship disguises itself as a pretzel delivery vessel and docks at the satellite city Alexandria. Neatbeard and his men push their hot pretzel carts out of the ship and around the dock area where they sell the stolen goods to the local traders. Meanwhile, Ren walks off on his own among the crowds of people and robots with various ceramic faces. Ren gets odd glares from everyone. A mustachioed barbershop quartet, in song, mocks him and his lack of a face as he passes by the barber shop. They sing to him, “Where’s your mask, what’s your vocation? / We can’t even tell which way you’re facin’.” Ren starts to fight with the barbershop quartet, but is easily defeated since each member is trained in a separate martial art.

Having caused a ruckus, Ren flees the scene and stumbles upon a ceramic face shop. He enters as the owner eyes him suspiciously. When asked what model he is, Ren does not know what to say. The owner questions Ren about how he got to the city, but when Ren tries to take a face, the owner presses a silent alarm, and a pair of femininely-built police robots, named MA’ATs, complete with sleek dark faces and a single large, fluffy, light-blue feather sticking up from each of their heads, enter and name Ren a rogue robot. Ren, confused, flees and the Ma’ats give chase. Ren runs through crowds with the Ma’ats not far behind him, until finally he reaches the dock area. Suddenly, a Ma’at falls to the ground and her face shatters and sparks, having been tripped by Neatbeard’s beard. The other Ma’ats are only confused for a moment, during which Neatbeard, laughing crazily at his hijinks, grabs Ren and heads to the pretzel ship. The other pirates use the pretzel mustard bottles to return laser fire at the Ma’ats, who hold off but call in some hawk-shaped air/space fighter craft, the wings of which flap as they chase Neatbeard’s ship. Neatbeard’s ship suddenly vanishes, and the hawks back off. A faint but large glimmer reveals that it is not his ship’s own invisibility, but a larger rogue colony’s cloak, in which they dock.

Neatbeard tucks his beard under his vest and bows his head respectfully to his comrades on the space station Potyomkin. Ren greets the comrades and the return his greetings in a friendlier manner than the people at the satellite. Neatbeard introduces Ren to COMRADE VAKULINCHUK, a leader of the resistance against Thoth. Vakulinchuk, sipping on vodka and stroking his luxuriant mustachio as he speaks, explains to Ren the way that the filthy capitalists claimed all properties and rights to properties in the solar system and then slowly destroyed Earth, forcing everyone to buy new property from the conglomerate. This conglomerate formed the new government, and each member sustains his longevity with anti-aging methods available to only those with immeasurable incomes. Thoth is the pharaoh of the hierarchy of capitalist power.

Disgusted by the story, Ren vows to help overthrow the government for the glory of the proletariat. Vakulinchuk smiles and dances a very manly dance, and then offers Ren full repairs and a new face. Ren is fitted with a ceramic lion face. They decide to finally strike at Thoth’s headquarters. Neatbeard extracts from Ren’s memory a conveniently accurate map of expected pirate attack routes on the moon. Neatbeard sketches a route that the security on the moon will never expect.

The posse acts accordingly and sweeps down to the moon, firing precision cannon shots to paralyze the green surveillance pyramids before they are detected. Ren and Neatbeard, on foot, sneak in to a restricted factory and discover hundreds of men working with large machines to mass produce an uncountable amount of robots, many of them Ren models. Ren goes wild and begins destroying the machines. The men flee in terror and try to escape, and Ma’ats and Rens pour into the factory. Neatbeard smirks and unsheathes his facial hair, and begins dismantling his opponents as Thoth arrives at an observation deck and calmly watches the action unfold. He sees Ren with the ceramic lion face and mutters “Sekhmet?” then leaves.

Ren continues destroying the factory machines, harming his own body in the process, and cracking his lion face. He then begins slaughtering the men who hadn’t found their way out in the confusion. Neatbeard notices and his expression deadens instantly. He tries to restrain Ren, but to no avail. Ren is dead-set on destroying everything and killing everyone as he punctures a main pressure valve. The factory enters emergency mode and is flooded with red, confused light. Neatbeard makes his way out in the pandemonium and finds his way back to the ship with no sight of Ren. He reluctantly climbs aboard and takes off as the entire factory complex flashes bright white and explodes.

Later, Neatbeard’s shipmates approach him and tell him about the piles of fortunes that they stole while he was off fighting. Neatbeard has just trimmed his beard, and his shipmates are shocked. Elsewhere, Vakulinchuk pays four shadowy, mustachioed figures and commends them for a job well done.

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Catch Us, Love
I've recorded a song that I wrote that I am tentatively calling "Catch Us".

Catch Us

It probably sounds best with a good pair of headphones, like everything.

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I Can Never Get Any Work Done
Some kid in the street just got hit by a snow-plow and had his leg sliced straight off, and he and his friends started screaming bloody murder. I mean, come on, I'm trying to work here! So I yelled out the window, "Keep it down, you punks! Or I'll call the cops!" But he kept screaming. I guess he called my bluff.

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Excuses, Excuses
Why do you people always dismiss excuses? If I complain about something, some peculiar little mistake or malice, I inherently imply that I'd like to know what was the cause. Not only do I accept excuses to aberrant behavior because our first nature prescribes self-exoneration, but I appreciate the information as a personal courtesy. So let me tell you a story.

Frank the Squirrel was a very outgoing bachelor. When he wasn't foraging for acorns, he hit up the clubs and parties. He was real slick, Frank was; donned golden accessories, sported the finest colognes, and gelled his fur. Now, this isn't one of those procrastination fables where the squirrel goes out and gets drunk every day and neglects to save up his acorns before winter. Those stories never mention how the squirrel dies a painful, slow, frigid death not before he chews out his own intestines in search of sustenance, but it's implied. No, Frank saved up his acorns, because it's in a squirrel's genetic instinct, and he and I are men of science.

One night, Frank went out to a pool party, and he left his tree, Edgar, unlocked. Some dudes busted in and ripped off all of the nuts. Edgar didn't say a word. When Frank returned, plastered, he noticed that his entire year's savings had been stolen. What the hell, Edgar? Frank moaned. Edgar remained silent. This is the last straw, growled Frank, and he left Edgar alone in the middle of the night, alone on the knoll forever. Edgar felt that something was missing inside, something like acorns. Of course, Edgar couldn't tell Frank that trees can't talk, because trees can't talk. Lesson learned, Edgar.

If you don't have an excuse, at least make one up. A lie is a courtesy.

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