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my insecurities...
Tuesday. 5.27.08 2:01 pm
i miss my boyfriend. and my in securities are starting to flood in. everytime i'm not with him or not talking to him.... i get a big ball of insecurities in the pit of my stomach. i feel bad but i feel like he still has feelings for his ex-boyfriend. his ex has been texting him lately and he's been talking to him... and it makes me worry. because his ex broke up with him and now he's all trying to text him and apologize and stuff. and i just start to worry that maybe i gave him the confidence to start talking to other guys and i'm just afriad that he's building back his relationship with his ex. and i really don't want that to happen. i cant even count how many times i think about it and i just feel like i want to cry... because i really do. i guess it's my insecurities. and its getting a hold of me... because i'm clingy... i know this. and not very many people like clingy people so i normally dont tell people that i'm clingy... but thats the case with me. i really like him... so i get clingy, and after all the good times and he goes away... i start to think about the negative stuff. but when he calls me... he it makes my day soooo much brighter and i love it. my heart begins to flutter and i just... i don't know. i very much am in love with him. and i've done so much to build this relationship with him and i don't wanna let it go. right now... he's my everything... but i don't know how long it will last before his ex gets to him.... or my insecurities get a hold of me and i just break down. i don't know why i feel like this. but i know that if his ex DOES try to get back with him... WOOOOOOO there'll be blood on the floor and it sure as hell wont be mine. im willing to fight for my man.

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PORNO!?!!?!?!?!
Saturday. 5.24.08 10:00 pm
PORNO!?!?!?

Omfg people, ok. So i was deifnitely watching the Tyra Banks show today. And it was an episode on people who became porn stars without their consent A.K.A. their jank ass exes put up nude pics or vids of them having sex for blackmail. GOOOOD JOBBB. And I was very intrigued by these stories. One ruined a girls life, she went to rehab, dropped outta school, became a stripper and some other stuff and the same went for some other girls too. But anyways, what i have to say to people....

is that if I'M gonna go and make a sex tape with my boyfriend... which I doubt I ever will, i wanna make that shit look like a movie. Like a feature movie, put it up on WIndows Movie Maker, add a menu and some deleted scenes and have a movie. There's gonna be production on it, lighting, good filters, photoshop, dialogue... the entire works. I'ma make it like a porno... except... like a good movie. Fuck that nasty nightvision and janked up cam holding crap. There's gonna be a stand holding that camera or someone there. I don't even care. But that's IF I ever do one of those... which is likely to NOT happen.... hopefully....

but also, if i'ma make it... I'M keeping it damnit... putting it in a safe over in my bank so that NO ONE can get their hands on it. or if someone does... i'ma put a copyright thingy on there so i get the money for it. fuckkk. if it goes out... might as well get money for it right?

jeeezus people.

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CRAZYYYYY NIGHTTTTT
Saturday. 5.24.08 6:53 pm
Ok so last night me and my boyfriend were in my friends neightborhood just chillin and stuff in my car in front of this persons house. And omfgggg we started doing some orchestral maneuvers in the dark and things got heated... but soon after that... the persons house that we were parked in front of? ..... yeah... they came home... and we were butt naked. And he started walking toward my car! So I hopped into the front seat and drove off before he could get to my car. Jeeeezus, so we park somewhere else and do more orchestral movements in the dark for a bit when THE SAME GUY circles around the block we were parked at about 3 times before he pulls up to us slowly then goes onto a driveway and preceeds to do a 3-point turn... so he does it and AGAIN I hop into the front seat and sped off around the neighborhood.

So we go around the block and find out that there's only one way to get outta the neighborhood and he's waiting for us so I speed up and pass him, and he follows us!!! ALL THE WAY AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD, AND ALL THE WAY DOWN TO I-10 TO I-19 WHERE WE FINALLY LOST HIM!!!!

Sad thing is. I have to housesit for the friend we were parked across the street from. >.<. so i know that ima get confronted somehow. =[.

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patience is a virtue
Saturday. 4.19.08 4:33 pm
Sooooo basically my life JUST got even harder. A whole bunch of things are just floating through my mind and I feel kinda overwhelmed. Not as much as yesterday but still pretty overwhelmed.

My best friend Tiffy doesn't want to move out with me anymore... well scratch that, it was supposed to originally be me, her and carly, then carly moved in with her boyfriend, which is understandable because she was a bit more prepared than we were, so it was just down to me and Tiff. Then her boyfriend came along and then it was gonna be me, her and her boyfriend sam. Well, two nights ago she called me up and told me she had some exciting amazing news. But, I was sleeping. So we met up the next day for breakfast. as we were eatingour bagels and proceeding to have a good time, she tells me her big news. She tells me that her boyfriend talked to his moms friend, who owns some apartments, somewhere and its 800 square feet, and utilities included, and all this great stuff. And then she tells me, "but its only a one bedroom apartment." Ouch. So basically, she doesn't wanna move out with me anymore and left me out in the rain. Boom, Adrian is now the third wheel. Whatever, its life, people really do come and go. I really did think that I was gonna be friends with her forever. But honestly, I can't see that anymore, not with what she told me. Yeah its great that they're are getting married in two years... two fuckin years. Date set and everything. They've been going out for.... what? A couple months? And they dated freshman year. Whoa good job. It must be nice to know that you got your whole life planned at 18 years old. Moving out with her boyfriend, getting married to her boyfriend blah blah blah. Which I think is the worst decision she has ever made. She's definitely going in it too fast. Love is blind and she's living her life blindfolded, being caught up in the fact that's she thinks she's in love. She went out with Manny for two years and they ended a huge ass mess. But she is stubborn, so whatever. And then the whole motherly acting as a grown up thing. She's 18. Not even 19. Still in her teens. And she wants to act like she's all mature? Hahahahaha. It makes me laugh, but makes me really mad. If she wants to go on and do that, more power to her. And I hope everything works out in the end for her. But I understand, I guess. She wants to live her own life.

My other best friend Carly is either moving to San Antonio, or to Germany. San Antonio because her boyfriend's job here, I guess, isn't really working out for him so he said he might be moving to San Antonio in June to be a Texas Ranger. The only bad thing for her is that he's gonna be living with his parents and she's gonna have to live... practically alone. But she has a good plan, go there, get a crappy apartment take a year off off school, work all year, then after that year she'll be a resident and can afford instate tuition then use all her saved up money to go back to school. Which is really smart, I think. Or she can move to Germany with her parents who are getting deployed there. I guess. But she said that if her boyfriend breaks up with her, then she's gonna move in with me! Yay...

But honestly, I think I wanna move to Cali. Like keep going to school here, but ACTUALLY save up money, like im starting to do, for the next year and pack up and move to Cali. Take off a year from school and work my ass off and try to get my music career started. Which is gonna be a long shot for me but hey, there's no hurt in trying right? Things can go horribly bad but nothing that I can't fix on my own. Im totally determined to get there. I have too. Its the only thing I have going for me right now. I need to start networking, writings more songs, getting noticed, performing more, getting more active instead of just slaving my life away, waiting to pass. I guess you can say that this is kind of an epiphany for me. Idk. There's soooo much I need to do.

I've decided that my goal for this year is to not be in a relationship... scratch that... I like relationships but I don't want a boyfriend. That doesn't mean I wanna be promiscuous or anything. It just means that if I do step into "something" I don't want it to accelerate too far too soon or anything. Sex for me just doesn't cut it anymore. I want passion, and intimacy, and creativity and just something else that isn't just sex. There needs to be something there to make it even better. Im not ready to settle down just yet but I am looking for something real amd long term. I've been hurt tooooo many times before to wanna be hurt again. And I wouldn't wanna put someone through the same shit as I have. I believe in waiting, and that you'll be rewarded. Patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue. I know right off the bat that there is no room in my heart for another tucson boy, so im not gonna fall for another one. At least not this year. I don't care how great it is or he is or anything. If he really wants me, he'll wait. Patience is a virtue. This is like.... me trying to re-invent myself, for the better. So much has gone on THIS YEAR alone than my whole life.

"Stop being a bitch" I tell myself. But it doesn't really work out that way. Im generally a nice person.... no. Not generally. Im a nice person all the time. Or try to be. But I can be a bitch at times. Sooooo I just need to do something about it.

Basically, im making a lot of changes and I don't know whether all of it will follow through or anything, im just blogging what I feel at the moment, and right now..... its a lot.

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happy =]
Sunday. 3.23.08 12:35 pm
Mmmmkay. So pretty much a lot has happend over the course of these
couple of days. Lol, well, I went fishing with my brothers and
sister...
well, I did a little then, I didn't like catch anything so I just
basically played the guitar most of the time lol, because im such a
loser.

Well, I met this great boy. Actually, I have yet to meet him but he
seems really genuine. He's a sweet talker, and I know, "Adrey, you need

to watch out for those kinda people." Yes yes yes, I know. Im keeping
my
gaurd up but still, he really makes me happy. Each time he calls me my
heart skips a beat and we have these great conversations. I just...
can't get enough of him. I can really see myself falling hard for him.
And this reality just feels like a dream. Im the dreamer, and he is my
dream. And I don't ever want him to fade away or become a nightmare. It

feels so right. I deserve a good guy. And good guy = him. =].

I put 2 new videos on youtube. One is of me singing Umbrella, and the
other is the new song I wrote. =].

My best friend stayed the night last night and we had a blast, and my
friend Cass who is also one of my best friends stayed also. It was
really cool to have my best best best friend meet up with my best
friend
in my neighborhood. We had a grand old time watching videos and talking

and stuff. It was great. =]. Then we woke up with Shane on my mind. =].

Then we all left and me and tiff went to go pick up our friends Arina
and Robby and went to eat bagels at Breuggers. It was amazing. Lol.
Then
they took me to work.

Which sucks.

But anyways, finiancial situation, still horrible, but I paid off
school, all $314 and all I have is $2 for the next week. Payday is
friday, and hopefully it'll be a big one, because I really need to pay
off my credit card. Then start saving for a car. And start saving for
the apartment, which hopefully won't be too much. But its getting
better. Im getting better.

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hmmm... thinking.
Wednesday. 3.19.08 3:45 pm
hey guys, yayyy time for another bloggg. well, for the past few days i've been pretty busy with work and such but whatevs. soooo i definitely found the rest of my money and am now trying to finish paying for college byyyyy Friday i believe and my damn PayPal stuff hasn't gone through yet so hopeuflly it will soon.

anyways, so i'm really sad because i can't find the battery for my digital camera. =[. that means i can't put up anymore videos on youtube... which i LOVE and you guys should most defintiely subscribe to my youtube channel http://youtube.com/user/numeria and it would definitely make me very happy. =]]]. ALSO, i wrote a new song! AND I wanna put it on youtube but.... i can't apparantly since I DONT HAVE THE BATTERY TO MY FRIGGIN CAMERA!!! Ugh, it's pissing me off and i've been looking for 3 days... i can't rememebr where I put it. =[

lame. but whatevs, ok, boys, ughhh i hate boys... well not really. but i decided to play the single card for a while and i'm glad i am. haha, i wanna be a born-again virgin. my new rule is IMA MAKE THEM BITCHES WORK FOR THIS... which translates to: i'm not having sex with you until I feel like i'm ready for it. i just don't wanna seem easy you know? like, i'm not easy. but i need to follow through with it, and i think i will from now on.

so, now i'm addicted to this song White by Lights, it's on my Myspace http://myspace.com/jubileer <---- there and its a really great song but I JUST CANNOT FIND IT!!!! Like, on LimeWire or anything... and i really want it, like HXC. grrr. does anyone have it?

OH!! ANd BTW, i most DEFINITELYYYY love the new Migrate song by Mariah! SHe's basically amazingggg and i can't wait to see her again! Did I tell you I met her? twice! it was thhhhhheeee best! i can't wait for her CD to come out!!!!!

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