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My momma' said
Tuesday. 8.10.04 12:22 am
They'll be days like this
So, you'd better count your pennies
'Cause you might just need a wish

Past week.. I odn't remember, so I'll start with today and what I can remember about the past couple of 'em. My sister came back.. last week, from college. My dad missed her like crazy, as did my mom and my younger sister. I didn't. I thought I would, but honestly, I don't think I cared much.. or as much, as everyone else.

I've been with 'er for sixteen years. You'd think after that amount of time, you'dmiss 'em alot.. but.. nope. I'm glad she came back though. She took me to Walmart, where I was gonna' go get Samantha's present, which I couldn't find, so I got her something else I thought she'd like.

Her party is on the fourteenth.. she's been telling me about it, coaxing me to go to it, since like.. June, or maybe July. Ever since she got back from her trip.. I told her I would because it's important to her for me to be there.

Michelle told me late last night ( Or early this morning ) that hers is on the same day. Right now, the plan is to stop by Michelle's early and give 'er like, five dollars or something and then go to Samantha's. Michelle told me late.. and, ontop of that.. I.. don't know.

I called Caitlin today.
Once in the afternoon, and again a few minutes ago tonight. I remember a time when I could call that girl, speak for two hours, maybe three, and get off the phone and feel.. bittersweet.
Bitter, simply because I missed the girl like crazy. Don't get me wrong, I still miss her.. it's just alot more bearable after a year. But, those eyes of hers still haunt me when I close my own.

It was sweet, too, though, but I doubt that was why my feelings for her were so strong. Talking to most girls on the phone was sweet, but when I talked to her, it was as if I were talking to a mentor. Someone who knew more than me, and was willing to show me and teach me things that she knew and I didn't. She was the one who influenced me to take an interest in politics, and the one who told me to be more tolerant of homosexuals. I'm still against gay marriage though, and I doubt I'll ever truly be acceptive of homosexuality aslong as I've got Christ in my heart though. I've learned, and believe, that marriage is for a man and a woman to be married under God. If two homosexuals wanted to like, get married under Elvis or Oprah, then I doubt it would be such a big deal.

In multiple places, the bible talks about where God stands on homosexuals. And on liars, rapists, murderers, and people who give into lust. It's all the same sin to God, so my idea and belief is the same.. but, in multiple places the bible says that God loves all sinners, including rapists, liars, and homos.. so, yeah.

Anyway, the girl has taught me alot. I'm grateful to her for helping me mature over the past few years.. The thing is, I hate talking to her on the phone after knowing what it's like to talk to her in person. Makes me feel as though I'm being cheated out of something..

But then again.. I dunno. Maybe next year, or this winter, I'll see her. Maybe..

I hate ' maybe '.

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So, I was all like
Sunday. 8.1.04 1:05 am
" It doesn't matter if I don't exactly understand word for word what the guy's singing about. That's not what I listen to in music.. I listen to the soul. " - Moi. I was defending myself to Antonia. She was telling Zoe about how I listen to Sin Bandera, and..y eah. I'd recommend them to anyone. They're songs are amazing, and appeal to me as Saves the Day, F.L.O and 2pac once did.

Once did. Once upon a time, I made Caitlin sad. That time was this past week.. I feel.. or felt, really bad about it. I had called her 'cause.. I missed her? I dunno. She was with Caleb, her boyfriend, and stopped conversating with him just for me. That made me feel special.., but that feeling didn't last long. She told me about this guys he thinks is Jesus that she emt at her rehab meeting, and that she's in love with. I'm not sure it was that I said or did, but before I knew it she told me that she felt as though I didn't care about what she was saying, or about her period. I didn't really defend myself then, so she went on to say that she felt as if she had lost her best friend in me. THatpretty much broke my heart..

It's been a full year since she came and disturbed the tranqulity of my usual world by staring at me with those golden..y ellow.. eyes she's got. A full year since things, atleast in my head, got more complicated in our relationship. I've been brooding, sulking, acting wistful and hopeful and bitter for a full year over those yellow eyes. I kept hoping that she'd come back this summer.. but she didn't. I'm still unclear on why.

I'm clear on few things now days. Like on Michelle. I'm talking to her again now that I've had alot of time apart from her, and mostly everyone else.

I'm clear that I love Caitlin, and that I don't want to make her sad anymore..

I'm also clear that this summer, although not as.. memerable as last years, was probably more effective. I think the best part of this summer happened last week. For two, or three hours I was with Charlie, Twinkie( Real name Bryan ) and about ten other guys I had met previously for the sake of playing basketball. It was fun.. and it had been a real long time since I had fun without a controller in my hand.

I spent countless hours, late at night, a week or two ago talking to Samantha. I'mt rying to buy her that Sin Bandera CD for her birthday. She's throwing a party, so I think I'm gonna' blow off football, or whatever else I gotta' do ( if it doesn't include god, or family ), to go to it. I'm not exactly looking forward to dancing, or the music.. or the people there.. but, I'm looking forward to seeing Samantha again, so that makes it worth it.

I'm looking forward to seeing Ashley aswell. I've been reading her nutang today, and I'm finally able to appreciate her writing style..

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I'm a man of many wishes
Tuesday. 7.6.04 1:04 am
Hope my preminition misses

Just got back from Prarieview A&M. 'Twas ana lright trip.. saw my beloved elder sister who started college two months early to get ahead. She's going to major in Biology to become some doctor.. Pyschologist, I think.. I dunno.

I didn't, and still don't, miss her as much as I had expected. My father and younger sister were so happy to see her, and my mom was too.. I was content? I dunno. When we first arrived in town and checked into our hotel, I had suggested that they go and see her while I stay in the hotel to take a nap 'cause my reasoning was " I already know what my sister looks like, why do I have to go see her? "

I saw her anyway, though. We went to her dormatory, and brought her abunch of things. I had to carry two TV's to her dorm for her to watch, hook up her cable, and give her my computer cord to get online with...

Driving there, and back, was about four hours either way. 'Twasn't that bad, especially since I brought my music and the Sims on my GBA.. So.. yeah.

Caitlin might come back here this month. All I could think of, or.. dream of, during my trip to Prarieview A&M( Where sister is ) were sceneros that played out over and over in different ways between her and I. I think.. well, I know, that all I really want to do when i see her is hold 'er. Nothing more, because I fear falling for the girl again, and nothing less because.. I fear falling for the girl again, too. But.. I dunno.

I'm still not sure if she'll come.. she said she will.. but.. I dunno..

Oh.. and I passed my drivers test, praise the lord. I didn't get that old woman with the bad hairpeice to test me. Instead, I got some other guy who gave me an 80. More ont hat later, if I remember.

Not sure what the plan for tommorow will be... Maybe just get this aspestus( sp?) out from my pillow.

It may keep it soft.. but.. I don't die yet.

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Could you pencil me in
Thursday. 6.17.04 12:12 am
When you can?
Though we both know
That the worse part about it
Is I would be free
When you wanted me..

So it's 18 past midnight, and normally, I'd be charged up to stay awake for atleast another hour or so. Some nights, I could probably be awake for another four, five.. give or take what occupies my time. Pero, not today.
Today.. I'm going to bed early, just like last night. 'Cause int he mornin', I'm going to lift weights like I did this morning... Not sure what drives me to do so.. but, I am.

That song.. Joh Mayer. Reminds me of my relationship.. or, lack there of, with Michelle.. what it used to be before I secluded myself from her. It appeared to me that she never truly had time for me.. but, plenty of time for others. I felt as though I had been replaced, and that's gotta' be one of the worse feelings someone can experience.

But.. eh, no more. My relationship with her isn't that great.. After months of feeling neglected aswell as replaced, I decided to atleast pretend that I didn't care anymore. I didn't walk with her to anymore classes, or even talk to her after classes or school. Rather, whenever I saw her, I'd turn around and go away. When she tried to talk to me, I pretty much only avoided her then too, until the last day of school.. but, that's another entry.

My body is sore.. side effect from weightlifting. 'Tis a truly weird thing because I lifted in the morning, and felt the soreness about seven, eight hours later, after Passions.

Driving alone is fun.. I actually sang in the car while I was on my wa back. Even though I was covered in sweat, being able to sit ina car by myself and just drive with, with a destination in mind, by myself with my music was .. nice.

Almost as nice as sleeping. I listen to music.. or the TV while I sleep. I don't like to sleep without a voice or something.. always been that way.

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Es poco lo que te conozco
Friday. 6.11.04 12:02 am

y ya pongo todo el juego a tu favor
no tengo miedo de apostarte,
perderte sí me da pavor.

Big sister is leaving in one night for college.. I'm not ready to let her go. Sixteen years and I haven't been apart from her for much more than a week, so it's ognna' be hard. Her, my mom, and younger sister are driving down to Houston, and hopefully I'll get to stay here 'cause I don't want to watch her leave.

I talked to Li a few days ago.. I called her, and she recognized my voice. Truly, remarkable. I think I love that girl. She sent me a present in the mail, and a letter.. :( I think she's cooler than me. I'm gonna' write her back..

Write.. writing. Caitlin wrote me a letter on saturday. I just got off the phone with her, which brought me way, way down. I wish she thought more like me, so she could pick up on things without me having to spell it out for her.

I get the feeling that she thinks I believe she's dumb. It's the opposite.. I know she's rather knowledgable, but.. I still wish she could have a beetter understanding of me. My feelings.. I dunno. The girl doesn't seem to realize what effect her words.. actions do to me. She can't comprehend or even fathom these emotions.

I doubt much anyone could. I've come to the realization that thinking with ones heart.. following the heart.. letting it lead you.. all of that is futile. Love is blind. The heart gets broken too easily, but the mind? It takes forever to break down someone's mind without the influence of drugs.

Thus, I'll make sure to think before I take my steps from now on, as to spare myself from woe.

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Woke up sunday morning,
Friday. 6.4.04 10:38 pm
Got a little bad news today
They say my life ain't worth living
And time is slowly teein' away..

Mista - Blackberry Molasses. Greatest. RnB. Song. Ever. o.o From 1996 too, I think.. around the same time that ' Cupid ' hit airwaves, and Marques Houston and Young Rome were with LDB in Immature. Remember those days? The late nineties when Jon was in elementary school? The days before he knew Caitlin, or Jessica Lynn Fontanazza, or even Taylor Landis. The days when him and Ivan Soto would play soccar til midnight, then go in and play 'Blood Brothers' on the original Nintendo.

Those were the days. I miss them. Things were alot less.. blah then. I can remember walking home from school everyday with Ivan and my big sister Nicole.. They were in the same grade. I can remember always being jealous of the girl too, 'cause .. hm. I don' teven know why. Just knew that I loved her with all my heart..

Ivan graduated last week. Nicole graduated last thursday, too, and is leaving this upcoming monday to Prarieview A&M down below Clovertown and Houston, Tx. Ivan.. I'm not sure where he's going. He'll end up a doctor, or a microbiologist, or something.. He's the first highschool graduate in his family..

I'm the first .. um .. damn. I got nothing. Maybe one day I'll discover something to be recognized for, but until then..

I've got nada'.

Other than the knowledge that Rehab > Fugees.

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How I die when
Thursday. 6.3.04 11:59 pm
I look at you smiling
Loving life, when all I know is blue
Rainy days and cold stares
Broken love affairs
Everything's beautiful as long as I ain't there

REHAB - It don't matter

Report cards came back today. My GPA on a 12 scale thing is 8.2.. which is weird because the last time I asked a counsiler woman, she told me it was a 3.2 on a 5 point scale. Needless to say, I'm a bit worried because it's so low..

On paper, my grades don't look that bad.. I had two C's, three B's and three A's. Sounds nice, right? Dunno how the thing is so low.. All I can do = try harder?

Bah. I did try, the second semester. But the three before that ( Two freshman year, first one of sophomore year ), I didn't really care that much about grades. They still don't mean the world to me.. ( Nothing really does. ), but I've got the worries of not being able to be accepted into a college.. What college, I have no clue.

All I know is that I want to go to one.. and study something that has to do with making videogames.. so, I ican make videogames since it's one of the only things that makes me happy. Everything else = a moo point.

I think it was Saturday when I talked to G-J about my future plans. I told him I wanted to become a man of the cloth when I get older, and he encouraged me.. Him and Loroz have ben the only two who did't laugh at me when I told them what I wanted to do.. might be because him and Loroz are the only cool people left. Oh, and Marli, the marinator/mybirthdaymate. ( People who shar ethe same birthday.. does that mean they're compatable or completly opposite? )

So I'm talking to Ms. Paquette about how people mature, and how most do their growing up during High school.. It hasn't been like that for me. Only thing that's changed from this year from lasthas been learning more about music, and adding alot more people to my shitlist. 'Tis a weird thing, my level at James Bowie High School. I'm well-knowned, so I can hang out with pretty much anyone during school, from the football team since I'm on it, to the musicians since I used to be one. I can go to Chinatown and talk to the yellow folk', or chill with the mexicans or arabian people and talk about Soccer. But, that's all during school.. Outside of school, I hang out with people who don't even go to Bowie, like Charles.. I thikn he spends the most time at my house out of anyone I know.

Anyway.. I think that's it for my entry today.. I was going to write about Caitlin, but.. eh. I guess I still can.

I forget sometimes, that she's not older than she looks/can act sometime. She's smart.. I used to think she was smarter than me, but when I really think about it now, no one is. I believe I think differently than most other people.. Everyone does. The one important thing that my Pre AP english teacher taught me came on the last day of school, when Sara Davis and I were talking to her.. She called us ' Gifted and Talented ' because of our behavior in the classroom.. Our interaction.

Out of the entire class, only two people would get my jokes, or understand how I looked at things, Sara and Bibin.. Bibin because he's the baddest and coolest man to ever walk James Bowie High School, and Sara because she thinks outside of the box like moi. But anyway, with Caitlin.. she's very knowledgeable(SP?) of alot of things. It used to impress me because she's young like moi, but knew somuch more.. But now, I dunno. As these last couple of years passed, the fascination has disappeared. I still love the girl, for reasons I know not, but love none the less. .. Anyway, entry = done for now.

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Do you call my name?
Wed, 6.2.04 11:12 pm
Do you see my brain?
My eyes are bloody, and I can't see you anymore

Ra = almost as bad ass as Maxi from Soul Calibur.

I swear, nothing makes you feel cooler than beating someone with Nunchucks while screaming like Bruce Lee.

Days been good since summer started.. Stay up late, sleep later, and relish in the last couple of days that I have with my elder sister. Today, she took me and the younger girl ( I hardly call her by her name, Faith.. I usually call her ' little person ',or ' girl ', ' ) out to places.. Went to movie trading company to see if they had my games, DoA 2 Hardcore or Golden Sun for GBA.. they had none, so it was almost awaste of time.

Almost, 'cause I got to see this guy pretend to be sneaky while looking at the porno section

Anyway.. this week.. weird. On saturday, I went Norissa's place to eat a BBQ deal thing, then to Church. Yesterday Freddie came over to pick up Charley, who had spent the night before playing NBA Ballers. I think for the rest of this week, I'll just stay home.. go to bed at 2 AM, wake up at 11:50 to take a bath for 10 minutes, watch jerry springer, and days of our lives, and see where the world takes me for the rest of the day, 'ya know, live the dangerous life.

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