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breaking the wall
Thursday. 6.5.08 7:56 am
I broke down last night. I couldn't take holding it in any more; I just had to talk to him. So I woke him up and told him about how I was feeling. We talked for what was probably close to an hour, if not more. It only felt like a few minutes.

Some of the answers I was half expecting, others I wasn't.

I said all I could think of to say, yet it doesn't feel like I'm done. I don't know when I'll have the opportunity to talk to him again like I did last night.

I can only hope I figure out what it is I need to say and I hope it happens soon so it doesn't eat me alive, as it was doing before.

There are still issues and they aren't going to go away. Not for a while, at least.

I've decided that now I've said something, I'm going to have him {if he wants to; I won't force him} read through some of the blogs that I wrote while I was still trying to organize my thoughts into something more rational so that I could vocalize them easier. He answered some of my questions; only the ones I asked. There are more in the blogs. Maybe that's why this feels unfinished.

My stomach is still upset. Food is still the last thing on my mind, but I have been eating so that people will leave me alone about not eating anything. Although, no one knew I hadn't eaten in 3 days until I said something. The people I told, that know me, didn't react very strongly. They know food is not a big thing on my daily to-do list.

Writing these things down helps, but only to a fine point. Writing my thoughts down can only do so much before it just doesn't help at all. By not talking to anyone, it eats away at my insides. Something I've noticed, though. My ever-present headaches don't seem to be worsening as they used to when I was stressed out. Instead it's my stomach that is being overtaken by my heightening stress levels.

It's not an ulcer; drinking milk would make me feel better if it were. Does depression affect my physical attributes too? And not just my mental state? I'm sure it does because it's the mental that controls the physical.

I hate admitting that I need help, but when I do accept someone's help, at least most of the time, I feel like I'm taking advantage. Like I'm using the person. I admitted to Jake last night that I need help. I really hope I don't end up feeling like I'm using him ...

I have so much more to write, but I'm having trouble organizing my thought enough to get them out.

Perhaps that's why our talk feels unfinished.

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slow reintroduction
Tuesday. 6.3.08 2:35 pm
I started eating again. I actually had half a bowl of rice last night around 9:30pm, but it wasn't much. It was the first thing I had had to eat in 48 hours so it wasn't going to be much anyway.

I had a flatbread sandwich a short while ago and a glass of chocolate milk. My stomach hurts, but it doesn't seem to be trying to reject the food.

Today was just like any other Tuesday. The truck sucked. It took us much longer than it rightfully should have, even though we had everyone there to help. I wish they would just put everything on pallets rather than have us unload every single stupid box.

Tammy and Yvonne are back from their vacation. It was good having Tammy's help on truck. She actually knows what she's doing. Stan, Cindy, Andre, Tammy, Monica and myself are the only ones who know what to do. The other two guys who "help" end up getting in the way more often than not. And they're both slow as all get out which doesn't help in getting us done with truck any faster.

I talked for a bit with Yvonne today. Caught her up to what's been going on with me. She caught me up on a few things going on with her. I mostly needed someone to talk to, and though I didn't tell her everything {one of the thoughts still puts me on the verge of tears} I told her enough so that she gets the basic idea.

Ed cut his hair. It looks awesome.

I'm in the mood to drink tonight. Maybe while I'm intoxicated I'll be able to talk about everything that's been on my mind. Although, I'd rather we both be sober. It would make more sense and this way I'd know exactly how he feels rather than being able to just blame whatever emotion/reaction arises on the achocol.

Either way, I'm drinking tonight. I got two six packs of Smirnoff; one Ice, the other Triple Black. And then whatever Jake feels like contributing to tonight's alcohol binge.

I felt useless today. Even though it felt like I did a lot of work, it didn't show. I didn't even get one pallet done today. I feel bad leaving it for someone else to finish. I don't like it when I have to pick up someone's slack, why should anyone else be okay with it? Ugh.

Alright, I'm done for today.

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starvation induced by depression
Monday. 6.2.08 12:07 pm
Reading over lazypuppy's latest weblog got me thinking about my own weightloss. However, she's doing it the right way. And definite kudos to her for sticking to the diet and seeing results.

With my slowly deepening depression over the last month or so my eating habits have changed. I already didn't eat a whole lot, but as I got more stressed/depressed I started eating less. Now it's at a point where I'm not eating anything because even the thought of food makes me a little sick to my stomach.

Over the last 4 days my food intake is as follows:
~ Friday - Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme w/spicy chicken & a homemade quesadilla.
~ Saturday - half a bowl of Zatarain's rice and a small piece of white, confetti birthday cake
~ Sunday - nothing
~ Today - nothing

I've lost 4 pounds in the past week due to my lack of food intake. Unlike the last time this happened, I'm not purposly avoiding food. The last time I lost weight this way, I was forcefully starving myself. This time it's just that I'm upset, nervous, pissed off, depressed or worried to a point where my mind is telling me that if I put food in my stomach I'll feel sick.

I want to eat. But I can't. Even just the thought of food makes my stomach turn.

I need to stop avoiding talking to Jake about how I feel. It's not going to be an easy conversation and the mood will definitely plummet. But the longer I avoid talking about it, the harder it's going to be when I finally can't take it anymore.

I couldn't even fully enjoy messing around last night because of the thoughts in my mind. The one thing that makes me sicker to my stomach than anything else kept making itself present. I tried to simply focus on what we were doing, but it was harder than it should be.

I was planning on talking to him about it Tuesday night, but we'll be going out and having fun Wednesday and I don't want to ruin that by being upset the night before. It's not going to be an easy thing. I think my fear of how he'll react is what's causing me to postpone it.

No fear is much easier said than done. Especially when the end result with either be as bad as I'm expecting or not quite as bad. Either way, it won't be good.

Shit. What am I going to do?

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nerves {EDIT}
Sunday. 6.1.08 3:05 pm
I'm nervous. And I know exactly what I'm nervous about. The answers. The reaction. The truth.

My nerves are going to make it very hard for me to get everything out and in the way I want it. Yesterday I worked on what I would say, but now that it's actually going to happen, I can't remember.

My nerves are even making typing a slightly difficult task, seeing as how my hands are shaking a bit. Perhaps I shouldn't be driving.

And I can't guarentee that I won't end up in tears at some point. It took everything in me to not break down into tears at work today. I don't know how many times I had to just stop what I was doing and walk away for a minute.

It's very obvious when something is bothering me. I get very somber and incredibly quiet. People notice. It's unfortunate when I don't want to talk about it or don't know how to describe what I'm feeling.

It's at a time like this when I wish I had a friend who I could go to about anything and everything, break down into tears and just sit there and cry until I can't anymore. Or, you know, just crawl into a corner and cry until my eyes are sore. The latter being the alternative.

I will be crying at some point today. Holding it in for the duration of the day, it's bound to explode out of me sooner or later. I'm hoping for later, when I'm alone in the privacy of my own room, but I'm expecting sooner.

I wish I could repeat the month of April. That month was wonderful. I'd give almost anything, almost anything, to go back to April.

{EDIT} I chickened out. I got there and saw that he was in a really good mood, so I decided not to ruin it with my depressed mood. His attitude altered how I felt, which made me feel pretty good. But then one of the stomach churning thoughts came back towards the end ... it's always hard leaving him. Even if I know exactly when I'll see him again.

We played on their newly bought Wii. I'll write more about that in tomorrow's entry.

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return from the grave ... sort of
Saturday. 5.31.08 6:02 pm
I haven't written in a few days and it actually didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.

Thursday I worked, came home and played on the comp for a bit, had to go get Steve {even though ma was off; she was stuck at the DMV with my sister} and then when I came back home, I napped. After my nap, Jake was here and that was the remainder of my night.

Yesterday was my sister's 18th birthday. I wasn't home to celebrate it with her, but that's okay because she wasn't home either. I'm not sure when we'll be having cake ... I just hope I'm home when it happens.

Jake and I hung out the whole day yesterday. We went to the movies and saw Speed Racer and Indiana Jones. I liked Speed Racer better than Indiana Jones, but both were good.

Anywho there are some things going on right now. I don't want to get into them here; it's not for this entry. Let's just say that I'd describe my situation as being stuck in my own personal purgatory.

I'm incredibly confused about certain things and it doesn't help any that more shit keeps being piled on top.

I've finally figured out {or at least I think I have} why my stomach lurches every time I start thinking about certain things. Before I thought it was one thing, but I realized today it wasn't. It's something else. I know that it's really confusing to all of you because you have no idea what I'm talking about, but this paragraph is sort of for my own reference. So if you'd like, pretend you didn't read this section.

My upset stomach doesn't help my lack of appetite problems though. I haven't eaten anything today and I honestly don't plan on doing so. I might eat tomorrow. Who knows.

I'll probably be writing on both of my other two names today; at least one of them will be PWP.

And that's it for today's randomized entry.

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my time is coming to a close ... {edit}
Wednesday. 5.28.08 12:42 pm
I'm not sure what the title means, but it came to me while I was working. It seems to fit ... though what, I don't know.

Anywho, my nails failed the truck test today. I lost two of them while on truck and another three while working on the floor. It looked weird only having a few nails on one hand and a couple on the other, so when I got home, I just took the rest of them off. Now my nails are all fucked up from the glue, but they should be normal again in a couple days.

I kept forgetting about the blister on the back of my heel so now it's open again. It started to bleed a little bit, but I was almost done working so I was just extra careful on how I walked and moved around. My shoes were the first things to come off when I got home.

I don't want to work tomorrow, but I need the money. And I really have no reason to call in other than to be able to sleep in tomorrow.

Alright, I'm pretty damn tired. I only got two hours of sleep last night and I worked quite a bit today. I'm going to go take a nap. I'll be back to browse NuTang a bit later.

{EDIT} BTW, I have a new playlist. It's a list of all the songs on Stephenie Meyer's playlists with the exception of 9 songs. I either couldn't find them or the only ones available were by the wrong artist. I have it on random shuffle, but if you'd like to listen to them in order, just let me know and I'll take it off random shuffle. The first song starts off with The Host and continues into the Twilight Series playlists.

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