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distracted
Friday. 6.13.08 1:56 pm
There are some days where I want to go out and do something. Other days I want to just stay in my room, away from everything except the confines of the four walls and what it holds within. Today is the latter.

Unfortunately I have to go out. I need to pick up my check and cash it. I also need to go to the store. I don't really want to go by myself; I'm not sure if I'm the right mindset to drive. Then again, if I'm by myself I don't have to worry about making sure my face is composed enough to not bring up inquiring questions as to my mood.

Jake and I stayed up until sometime between 5:30 and 6:00am talking. More was said, discussed. Yet it still doesn't seem finished. I feel almost as if there's something there that simply isn't being said. Something that's being avoided. Whether it be on my part or his, that I'm unsure of. But the unfinished feeling is still there.

Each day that passes gets harder. It's becoming harder to leave him {or see him leave} even when I know exactly when I'll see him again. The pain eats away at me, but no one will ever know that. They only know I'm bothered.

June has always been a hard month for me. I have my father's birthday, Father's Day and the anniversary of my dad's death all taking place in the same month. I'm not sure if it's all just in my head or if things actually seem to become harder to deal with in the month of June.

I'm very distracted as of late. I seem to be getting lost in my own mind more often than not, recently. Thinking of one thing usually leads to a whole new tunnel of things which then branch of into more intricate tunnels and eventually ends up in a huge cave where every thought flies around out of control.

I find that I don't run away from my past. I run away from my present; I simply avoid my past. Or try to.

Is it wrong for me to occasionally want something physically traumatic to happen to me?

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happy birthday padre
Thursday. 6.12.08 2:39 pm
Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 52.

I hope you're having a good day, Dad. Happy Birthday. I love you.

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listless and unsatisfied
Wednesday. 6.11.08 2:29 pm
I realize, as I'm on my 4th CD, that no type of music seems to be able to satisfy.

Happy, sad, angry, simple, complex. Nothing is helping me.

Perhaps I should just put in the two Halloween CDs I have and listen to those. Or maybe dig out the classical Christmas music.

Those seem neutral enough.

Maybe those will help.

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one end always leads to another beginning
Sunday. 6.8.08 4:14 pm
I've not accepted the end yet, nor will I ever be prepared enough to accept the end. But I am working on accepting that there is nothing more I can do to change what's going to happen.

I've almost accepted that whatever is supposed to happen will and there's very little say I have in it. I'm almost ready to let things run their desired course. I guess you could call it giving up. I'm sure the optimists will see it a different way.

That is the first step.

I gave in to something today. I won't say what, but it's not good. Simply take my word for it. Or pretend I never said anything in the first place. Either way works.

I've decided that I'm going to start reading Twilight now rather than waiting until the end of July as planned. I feel connected with Bella in certain ways and I'm thinking maybe I can get some ideas on how to cope with certain issues by letting my imagination run wild. It'll also distract me for a while; since I'll be reading all three books.

I want to try something. I don't know when I'll be starting it, but when I do, it's going to be torture. I guess you could say that I'm a glutton for punishment right now. I'm going to see exactly how long I can put up with it. It's going to hurt and it's going to be hard. I can only hope ...

I don't know if I'll be blogging over the next few days. I've got far too much on my mind and I don't want to sort it out yet. Even with the worse-than-normal headache it's kinda nice not focusing on anything specific.

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not a day goes by
Saturday. 6.7.08 9:19 am
Not one single day goes by when I don't think about ...

~ my dad and wonder if he's still watching over me; if he's proud of me, of the things I've done; if he approves of my choices or if I've done anything to disappoint him.

~ my past and how it affects my present.

~ my future and where it's going to bring me.

~ putting a blade to my arm and cutting into it again. I don't, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to. It happens quite regularly because I use a sharp object [box cutter} at work

~ different ways I might die. Some of them can become rather creative. Others, not so much.

~ my heart and where it lies. Who I've given pieces of it to and what they've done with it. The scars that are permanently etched into it. Where it will lead me next.

~ when and where I'll be getting my next tattoo and if it'll turn out the way I want it to. The rush it gives me to feel the needles stabbing my skin over and over at rapid speeds.

~ the incredible fear I have of going to a doctor. I know I need to go and I know that there are some things wrong with me. It's the things I don't know about that I'm afraid of.

~ what I would do if a large sum of money were to suddenly come my way.

~ drinking. I rarely drink, but I think about it more often than I allow people to know.

~ running away. Simply packing up and going.

~ having the ability to know exactly how people see me. To know, truly, how they feel about/towards me.

~ completely giving up food. Unfortunately, food is a necessary evil.

~ sex.

~ how different my life would be if I had grown up with a father.

~ the weather. It's unavoidable. And normally annoying.

~ how much I've changed in the last few or so years and just how much actually hasn't changed.


I was thinking about things to add to this entry while I was working. I kept getting distracted by my random thoughts so I figured I'd write some of them down when I got home. And that's what I did.

I'm not sure where the metaphor came from, but we had to rush to get the ad out {corporate forgot to mention the ad started today instead of tomorrow} and at one point I turned to Tammy and said, "we need to get this stuff out like a piranha in a butcher shop." Or something to that affect. In other words, we had to bust it out pretty fast. And we did. We got all but one pallet out.

But now that I've made this a fairly long entry, I should probably end it. If there's anything else that comes to mind, I'll add it later. This entry ends here.

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clueless
Friday. 6.6.08 5:05 pm
Isn't it funny that two years ago today, some people thought the world was coming to an end? I find that amusing.

Anywho, did I mention that my ex called me? Yeah, out of the blue about a week or so ago. I hadn't talked to him since December and I thought I had pissed him off enough to want to stop talking to me. Apparently not. Only this time I did actually tell him that I didn't want to talk to him again. Unlike last time when I simply pushed until he didn't want to talk to me. I'm glad I told him this time.

I think I figured out what else I need to talk to Jake about. It's going to hurt just as much as the last conversation. Which ended with me being less upset than I thought. Probably because I had simply worn myself out from being upset. I'm not looking forward to it.

Time seems to be in fast forward right now. I know it's because I want it to pause or slow down, but that's just how things like that work.

My hangover finally ended shortly after I got home from work. I felt sick through my whole shift. It was probably a combination of things, but I'm going to blame it on being hung over. I didn't drink a whole lot, but my alcohol tolerance isn't very high anymore.

I enjoyed being numb for a while though. It was a nice feeling not thinking about anything. Not feeling anything except numbness. Too bad the only way I seem to be able to feel that is when I'm drunk.

My schedule was changed for tomorrow ... a little bit drastically. I was scheduled at 8am. I now have to be there at 3am. The upside to that is, because I was only scheduled for a 6 hour shift, the shift change means I get to leave right as the store is opening. I don't have to deal with people. Always a good thing.

Random thought ... I still wonder what it would be like to be struck by lightning. Granted I survive, it would provide for a very interesting conversation piece. But the odds of it happening, especially out here cuz it never fucking rains, are incredibly slim.

I'm sick of the sun. We need clouds. Like, all the time. I'd be happier if it weren't sunny.

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