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starvation induced by depression
Monday. 6.2.08 12:07 pm
Reading over lazypuppy's latest weblog got me thinking about my own weightloss. However, she's doing it the right way. And definite kudos to her for sticking to the diet and seeing results.

With my slowly deepening depression over the last month or so my eating habits have changed. I already didn't eat a whole lot, but as I got more stressed/depressed I started eating less. Now it's at a point where I'm not eating anything because even the thought of food makes me a little sick to my stomach.

Over the last 4 days my food intake is as follows:
~ Friday - Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme w/spicy chicken & a homemade quesadilla.
~ Saturday - half a bowl of Zatarain's rice and a small piece of white, confetti birthday cake
~ Sunday - nothing
~ Today - nothing

I've lost 4 pounds in the past week due to my lack of food intake. Unlike the last time this happened, I'm not purposly avoiding food. The last time I lost weight this way, I was forcefully starving myself. This time it's just that I'm upset, nervous, pissed off, depressed or worried to a point where my mind is telling me that if I put food in my stomach I'll feel sick.

I want to eat. But I can't. Even just the thought of food makes my stomach turn.

I need to stop avoiding talking to Jake about how I feel. It's not going to be an easy conversation and the mood will definitely plummet. But the longer I avoid talking about it, the harder it's going to be when I finally can't take it anymore.

I couldn't even fully enjoy messing around last night because of the thoughts in my mind. The one thing that makes me sicker to my stomach than anything else kept making itself present. I tried to simply focus on what we were doing, but it was harder than it should be.

I was planning on talking to him about it Tuesday night, but we'll be going out and having fun Wednesday and I don't want to ruin that by being upset the night before. It's not going to be an easy thing. I think my fear of how he'll react is what's causing me to postpone it.

No fear is much easier said than done. Especially when the end result with either be as bad as I'm expecting or not quite as bad. Either way, it won't be good.

Shit. What am I going to do?

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nerves {EDIT}
Sunday. 6.1.08 3:05 pm
I'm nervous. And I know exactly what I'm nervous about. The answers. The reaction. The truth.

My nerves are going to make it very hard for me to get everything out and in the way I want it. Yesterday I worked on what I would say, but now that it's actually going to happen, I can't remember.

My nerves are even making typing a slightly difficult task, seeing as how my hands are shaking a bit. Perhaps I shouldn't be driving.

And I can't guarentee that I won't end up in tears at some point. It took everything in me to not break down into tears at work today. I don't know how many times I had to just stop what I was doing and walk away for a minute.

It's very obvious when something is bothering me. I get very somber and incredibly quiet. People notice. It's unfortunate when I don't want to talk about it or don't know how to describe what I'm feeling.

It's at a time like this when I wish I had a friend who I could go to about anything and everything, break down into tears and just sit there and cry until I can't anymore. Or, you know, just crawl into a corner and cry until my eyes are sore. The latter being the alternative.

I will be crying at some point today. Holding it in for the duration of the day, it's bound to explode out of me sooner or later. I'm hoping for later, when I'm alone in the privacy of my own room, but I'm expecting sooner.

I wish I could repeat the month of April. That month was wonderful. I'd give almost anything, almost anything, to go back to April.

{EDIT} I chickened out. I got there and saw that he was in a really good mood, so I decided not to ruin it with my depressed mood. His attitude altered how I felt, which made me feel pretty good. But then one of the stomach churning thoughts came back towards the end ... it's always hard leaving him. Even if I know exactly when I'll see him again.

We played on their newly bought Wii. I'll write more about that in tomorrow's entry.

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return from the grave ... sort of
Saturday. 5.31.08 6:02 pm
I haven't written in a few days and it actually didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.

Thursday I worked, came home and played on the comp for a bit, had to go get Steve {even though ma was off; she was stuck at the DMV with my sister} and then when I came back home, I napped. After my nap, Jake was here and that was the remainder of my night.

Yesterday was my sister's 18th birthday. I wasn't home to celebrate it with her, but that's okay because she wasn't home either. I'm not sure when we'll be having cake ... I just hope I'm home when it happens.

Jake and I hung out the whole day yesterday. We went to the movies and saw Speed Racer and Indiana Jones. I liked Speed Racer better than Indiana Jones, but both were good.

Anywho there are some things going on right now. I don't want to get into them here; it's not for this entry. Let's just say that I'd describe my situation as being stuck in my own personal purgatory.

I'm incredibly confused about certain things and it doesn't help any that more shit keeps being piled on top.

I've finally figured out {or at least I think I have} why my stomach lurches every time I start thinking about certain things. Before I thought it was one thing, but I realized today it wasn't. It's something else. I know that it's really confusing to all of you because you have no idea what I'm talking about, but this paragraph is sort of for my own reference. So if you'd like, pretend you didn't read this section.

My upset stomach doesn't help my lack of appetite problems though. I haven't eaten anything today and I honestly don't plan on doing so. I might eat tomorrow. Who knows.

I'll probably be writing on both of my other two names today; at least one of them will be PWP.

And that's it for today's randomized entry.

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my time is coming to a close ... {edit}
Wednesday. 5.28.08 12:42 pm
I'm not sure what the title means, but it came to me while I was working. It seems to fit ... though what, I don't know.

Anywho, my nails failed the truck test today. I lost two of them while on truck and another three while working on the floor. It looked weird only having a few nails on one hand and a couple on the other, so when I got home, I just took the rest of them off. Now my nails are all fucked up from the glue, but they should be normal again in a couple days.

I kept forgetting about the blister on the back of my heel so now it's open again. It started to bleed a little bit, but I was almost done working so I was just extra careful on how I walked and moved around. My shoes were the first things to come off when I got home.

I don't want to work tomorrow, but I need the money. And I really have no reason to call in other than to be able to sleep in tomorrow.

Alright, I'm pretty damn tired. I only got two hours of sleep last night and I worked quite a bit today. I'm going to go take a nap. I'll be back to browse NuTang a bit later.

{EDIT} BTW, I have a new playlist. It's a list of all the songs on Stephenie Meyer's playlists with the exception of 9 songs. I either couldn't find them or the only ones available were by the wrong artist. I have it on random shuffle, but if you'd like to listen to them in order, just let me know and I'll take it off random shuffle. The first song starts off with The Host and continues into the Twilight Series playlists.

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plain and lazy
Tuesday. 5.27.08 12:42 pm
Today is a day where I'm just lazing out. Rarely am I ever off on Tuesdays because this is normally truck day. But since yesterday was Memorial Day Observed, the truck is delayed a day so it'll be here tomorrow. Thus resulting in me being off today.

I've had to take ma to work and I have to go pick Steve up later. Since I really have nowhere else to be today, I don't exactly care what I look like. I ran a brush through my hair once when I woke up. That's it.

When I needed to take ma to work, I threw on my bathing suit shorts, a pair of slightly-too-big capris, a sports bra and a tank top. Just like my hair, I really don't care how I look today. Other than driving to and from where I need to go, no one is going to see how I look except the people in the house.

I need to take a shower later, but I even feel too lazy to stand for the 20 minutes it takes me.

I haven't had a lazy day like this in a while. It's kinda nice, but very, very boring.

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so here's how last night went ...
Monday. 5.26.08 3:40 pm
Last night was fun, even though we ended up not going to JET Nightclub.

He picked me up around 6:30-ish pm and took me to Outback Steakhouse. It was good, but very big. Neither of us finished our meals so we took the salads home with us.

When we left the restaurant, we headed down to the Strip, I put my heels on {I wore flip flops to the restaurant} and we went into the casino. That's when we found out that the passes we were given to JET Nightclub were not valid because DJ Tiesto was a special event; the tickets for Tiesto were only available online and were worth $100 a piece. The passes we have are still good, but they can only be used on a regular night. It sucked a bit, but I'm sure Tiesto will be in town again at some point.

So we wandered around the Mirage for a little bit. We went into the Beatles gift shop and then walked over to the Beatles lounge. There were a couple girls there, dancing in the O and U. Their outfits {or lack there of} were cute. Jake quite enjoyed himself.

We contemplated playing roulette there, but the lowest minimum bet was $15 and we didn't have much to play with so we skipped out on it at the Mirage. Jake asked me were I wanted to go and I'd been wanting to take him to the top of the Stratosphere for a while so that's where we went. He's not good with heights though, so we didn't stay up there for long.

When we came back down, we found $5 & $10 minimum bet roulette tables so we bounced back and forth between those two tables for a bit. I don't like playing at the table. For some reason I feel like there's more pressure. It just felt very uncomfortable. When we lost the $20 we had put down, we walked over to one of the roulette machines and Jake put in another $20. After about 20 or so minutes, we cashed out with $40. So we broke even. I much prefer sitting at the machines.

It was starting to get late at that point and we were both getting tired so we just came back to my place and chilled out for a bit before he had to go home.

It was a very enjoyable night, with the exception of not being able to see DJ Tiesto.

Oh, I only wore the heels while I was at the Mirage. When we got back out to the car, I had a blister on my left ankle from the clasp on the strap and a blister on the back of my right heel from my ankle bracelet cutting into the skin. I'll wear the shoes again; I just know now to move the left clasp off my ankle and to take off the ankle bracelet.

I'm looking very forward to the next time we go out. Hell, I'm just looking forward to the next time I see him. We don't have to do anything for me to be happy about being with him.

BTW, I posted a new picture of myself in my gallery It's from yesterday. It's one of the few pictures of myself that I feel actually came out pretty damn good.

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