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The weather
A constant state of being.
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
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Friday. 6.27.08 5:51 pm
I can't seem to figure anything out. When I think I've got something, another thing comes up and it brings on twice as many questions as answers. It's quite frustrating.

Whenever I want time to slow down, it speeds up. When I want it to fly by, it seems to know this and slows to a snail's pace. It's always been that way, though. And it happens to everyone.

Yesterday after Jacob left, I layed back down for a nap. A few hours later, I woke up with a sudden start and immediately felt worried, uncomfortable. I haven't had this feeling in a long time and it scares me. Something feels very wrong; almost like something is out of place. Something isn't right and I haven't the slightest clue as to what it is.

I kept as smooth a composure as I could manage until around 10pm. Then I just couldn't take it anymore and I broke down. Unfortunately, I broke down hard. I cried myself to sleep last night. Again, something that hasn't happened in a while.

My eyes are too dry right now. I wanted to cry earlier. Even my nose got all stuffy as if I were crying, but my eyes were too dry for tears to form. I guess it was good considering I was at work.

I feel better than yesterday, but only marginally.

I wish I could shake this uneasy feeling. Discomfort is not fun. It makes pretending to be in a good mood harder than it already is.

I wish Jake were here. Or I were there with him. When he holds me, even when I don't think anything will help me, feeling his arms around me and the strength in his hold comforts me.

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I musn't get too carried away now ...
Monday. 6.23.08 10:11 pm
I needed to do some running around today and since ma also needed to go out, I offered to drive her around. This would give her the opportunity to ride in my car and see how it drives.

Steve also got to ride in my car today {even though we have another vehicle, we still have three very different schedules to deal with} and I'm sure there's one thing that bothers both of them more than anything: there is absolutely no smoking in my car. I'm sure it irks them to no end, but hey, my car, my rules. This is also the first time that Steve has been in the car with me driving. Every other time, whenever he was in the car, he was driving. I drive faster than mom, but I handle the vehicle well enough.

Being out and about today, getting a better feel for my car, it excited me. The freedom that comes with having my own car. With the car & insurance payments {they'll run me about $550 a month, combined} I'm perfectly okay living on Ramen for a few months if it means I can keep my car.

I had to fight the severe urge to drive up to Jacob's today. I just saw him yesterday and the space between us, though painful, is necessary. We can't spend every waking minute with one another. It'd drive us both crazy. Even married couples need to spend time apart from each other.

After I dropped Steve off at home, my sister and I went up to the mall for a few hours. I haven't been up there in such a long time {I think Christmas was the last time I was at the mall} and we were going to try and break the impossible task of finding me a dress to wear to my mother's wedding. After 4 stores and trying on one dress, I decided it was a lost cause. There's no way I'd be able to get over my sincere hatred for dresses enough in the week and a half before the wedding in order for me to suffer through wearing one. I have a nice outfit that I can wear. It'll have to suffice.

I'm about halfway through Eclipse. Once I finish the book, I'll be reading Skin and Absolute Fear. Something that will keep my mind preoccupied until Breaking Dawn comes out {August 2nd.}

I don't think my hiatus is completely over. I'm not going to try with everything in me to write a blog every day. It seems a bit much sometimes. And it'll help on the days when I don't have anything to say just to simply not type anything at all, rather than figure out how many ways I can say, "I've got nothing to write about."

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I sold my soul tonight
Saturday. 6.21.08 10:52 pm
I don't like posting more than one blog a day {per account} but this is just something that needed to be said.

I sold my soul tonight. And will be officially beyond broke for the next 6 years of my life.

Yes, that's correct. I bought a car. My first car, in fact.

But why, you ask, am I going to be broke for the next 6 years?

Yes, correct again. I didn't buy a used, piece of shit that I had my mind set on getting. I bought a brand new, off the lot car.

I am now the owner of a 2008 white Nissan Versa.

The shock still hasn't worn off yet {and I'm dealing with female issues} so I'm not outwardly and obviously excited. I'm sure it'll sink in, in full, in about a week.

So here ya go the-muffin-man, here's the happy thing that has been missing from my last month of blogging.

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longer than I expected
Saturday. 6.21.08 3:34 pm
My hiatus is going to be longer than I anticipated. New complications have risen and it's not helping my stress level any.

Some things have happened, good things; things that seem to be too overpowered by the unfortunate and annoyingly frustrating incidents to the point where I can't exactly remember.

I'm focusing too much on my very near future and the few months that will be following. I should probably be focusing on my present; each day as it comes, but how am I supposed to do that when the daunting future that lies ahead doesn't ...

Nevermind. I just wanted to let anyone who might actually come by and read this know that it'll be longer than I expected before I return to regular, daily blogging.

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mental health hiatus
Monday. 6.16.08 2:29 pm
I'm seriously considering taking a few days for a mental health hiatus. You know how at jobs people will take a mental health day every so often? Well, this would work in the same sense. I just won't be blogging again for a few days.

There is so, so, so much crap going on right now. I have no idea how it's ever going to work out for the better.

I had a good day yesterday; Jake and I saw The Happening and You Don't Mess With the Zohan {both good movies.} Then we chilled out at his place, had dinner and watched another movie.

Even though I only got 3 hours of sleep last night and was still very tired when I got up this morning, I was in a fairly decent mood.

Up until about 5 minutes ago.

I'm not going to explain right now. I need to get things sorted out before I go off. Or insane.

I don't know when I'll be back. I'll still pop in every now and then, but only for a few minutes.

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no more heat! gah!
Saturday. 6.14.08 7:38 pm
The hotter it gets outside, the hotter my room gets. Regardless that I have the fan blowing almost 24-7 {even though it says I'm not supposed to; the motor could die that way} and the A/C is running almost constantly. My room always seems to be 10 degrees hotter than the remainder of the house. Fuck!

I didn't sleep well at all last night and the nap I took earlier went about the same. Probably because it's nearly impossible to sleep in the fucking heat. You can never get comfortable and you wake up sweating. Not fun.

I borrowed a few CDs from my mom. It's all classical-type music specifically designed to help you relax. Even though I have to work tomorrow, I think I'm going to listen to them tonight {I've got them on right now too.} Maybe they'll help relax me enough so that I can sleep without tossing and turning.

I know in the back of my mind, things will work out, but I'm still afraid.

Sorry that you guys have to see me in this downward spiral. It's not fun when you see someone who is incredibly happy for a month {longer than my normal sudden boost in attitude} and then slowly start to break down and revert back to their original state. I try to be upbeat and in a reasonable mood, but it only lasts as long as I'm at work. And that's only because I have to put on the mask. I let myself go for a few days and everyone was asking me what was wrong. Seeing as how I didn't want to talk about it, I knew I needed to work on my facial composure. It seems to be working. Only when I say something about what's bothering me does anyone notice that I'm still just as depressed as on the days I made it obvious.

I need to figure out where I can get shades or some sort of material to cover my big ass front window. Something that will block the sun from shining through. That's mainly what's causing my room to be freakishly hot. But where am I supposed to get something that will cover my 59" x 47" window ... that's reasonably cheap? I'll still have light in my room; I have another window, but it's North facing so no worries about the sun. I just really need to do something about my front window.

Anywho, I bought a bunch of socks today. I needed new socks. The ones I've had are getting very worn because I only have so many pairs; I'm having to wash them once a week so I have them to wear the next week. Now I don't have to worry about that. I can go more than 2 weeks without running out of socks. And they're all different colors & designs {stripes, polka-spots, etc.} The only thing is that I've become accustomed to no show and smaller socks. These are just low cut. They're still below my ankle, but I'm not used to having a cuff to deal with. Oh well. I'll get used to them. I kinda don't have a choice.

Okay, I think this entry is far long enough. I'll write again whenever.

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