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I sold my soul tonight
Saturday. 6.21.08 10:52 pm
I don't like posting more than one blog a day {per account} but this is just something that needed to be said.

I sold my soul tonight. And will be officially beyond broke for the next 6 years of my life.

Yes, that's correct. I bought a car. My first car, in fact.

But why, you ask, am I going to be broke for the next 6 years?

Yes, correct again. I didn't buy a used, piece of shit that I had my mind set on getting. I bought a brand new, off the lot car.

I am now the owner of a 2008 white Nissan Versa.

The shock still hasn't worn off yet {and I'm dealing with female issues} so I'm not outwardly and obviously excited. I'm sure it'll sink in, in full, in about a week.

So here ya go the-muffin-man, here's the happy thing that has been missing from my last month of blogging.

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longer than I expected
Saturday. 6.21.08 3:34 pm
My hiatus is going to be longer than I anticipated. New complications have risen and it's not helping my stress level any.

Some things have happened, good things; things that seem to be too overpowered by the unfortunate and annoyingly frustrating incidents to the point where I can't exactly remember.

I'm focusing too much on my very near future and the few months that will be following. I should probably be focusing on my present; each day as it comes, but how am I supposed to do that when the daunting future that lies ahead doesn't ...

Nevermind. I just wanted to let anyone who might actually come by and read this know that it'll be longer than I expected before I return to regular, daily blogging.

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mental health hiatus
Monday. 6.16.08 2:29 pm
I'm seriously considering taking a few days for a mental health hiatus. You know how at jobs people will take a mental health day every so often? Well, this would work in the same sense. I just won't be blogging again for a few days.

There is so, so, so much crap going on right now. I have no idea how it's ever going to work out for the better.

I had a good day yesterday; Jake and I saw The Happening and You Don't Mess With the Zohan {both good movies.} Then we chilled out at his place, had dinner and watched another movie.

Even though I only got 3 hours of sleep last night and was still very tired when I got up this morning, I was in a fairly decent mood.

Up until about 5 minutes ago.

I'm not going to explain right now. I need to get things sorted out before I go off. Or insane.

I don't know when I'll be back. I'll still pop in every now and then, but only for a few minutes.

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no more heat! gah!
Saturday. 6.14.08 7:38 pm
The hotter it gets outside, the hotter my room gets. Regardless that I have the fan blowing almost 24-7 {even though it says I'm not supposed to; the motor could die that way} and the A/C is running almost constantly. My room always seems to be 10 degrees hotter than the remainder of the house. Fuck!

I didn't sleep well at all last night and the nap I took earlier went about the same. Probably because it's nearly impossible to sleep in the fucking heat. You can never get comfortable and you wake up sweating. Not fun.

I borrowed a few CDs from my mom. It's all classical-type music specifically designed to help you relax. Even though I have to work tomorrow, I think I'm going to listen to them tonight {I've got them on right now too.} Maybe they'll help relax me enough so that I can sleep without tossing and turning.

I know in the back of my mind, things will work out, but I'm still afraid.

Sorry that you guys have to see me in this downward spiral. It's not fun when you see someone who is incredibly happy for a month {longer than my normal sudden boost in attitude} and then slowly start to break down and revert back to their original state. I try to be upbeat and in a reasonable mood, but it only lasts as long as I'm at work. And that's only because I have to put on the mask. I let myself go for a few days and everyone was asking me what was wrong. Seeing as how I didn't want to talk about it, I knew I needed to work on my facial composure. It seems to be working. Only when I say something about what's bothering me does anyone notice that I'm still just as depressed as on the days I made it obvious.

I need to figure out where I can get shades or some sort of material to cover my big ass front window. Something that will block the sun from shining through. That's mainly what's causing my room to be freakishly hot. But where am I supposed to get something that will cover my 59" x 47" window ... that's reasonably cheap? I'll still have light in my room; I have another window, but it's North facing so no worries about the sun. I just really need to do something about my front window.

Anywho, I bought a bunch of socks today. I needed new socks. The ones I've had are getting very worn because I only have so many pairs; I'm having to wash them once a week so I have them to wear the next week. Now I don't have to worry about that. I can go more than 2 weeks without running out of socks. And they're all different colors & designs {stripes, polka-spots, etc.} The only thing is that I've become accustomed to no show and smaller socks. These are just low cut. They're still below my ankle, but I'm not used to having a cuff to deal with. Oh well. I'll get used to them. I kinda don't have a choice.

Okay, I think this entry is far long enough. I'll write again whenever.

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Friday. 6.13.08 1:56 pm
There are some days where I want to go out and do something. Other days I want to just stay in my room, away from everything except the confines of the four walls and what it holds within. Today is the latter.

Unfortunately I have to go out. I need to pick up my check and cash it. I also need to go to the store. I don't really want to go by myself; I'm not sure if I'm the right mindset to drive. Then again, if I'm by myself I don't have to worry about making sure my face is composed enough to not bring up inquiring questions as to my mood.

Jake and I stayed up until sometime between 5:30 and 6:00am talking. More was said, discussed. Yet it still doesn't seem finished. I feel almost as if there's something there that simply isn't being said. Something that's being avoided. Whether it be on my part or his, that I'm unsure of. But the unfinished feeling is still there.

Each day that passes gets harder. It's becoming harder to leave him {or see him leave} even when I know exactly when I'll see him again. The pain eats away at me, but no one will ever know that. They only know I'm bothered.

June has always been a hard month for me. I have my father's birthday, Father's Day and the anniversary of my dad's death all taking place in the same month. I'm not sure if it's all just in my head or if things actually seem to become harder to deal with in the month of June.

I'm very distracted as of late. I seem to be getting lost in my own mind more often than not, recently. Thinking of one thing usually leads to a whole new tunnel of things which then branch of into more intricate tunnels and eventually ends up in a huge cave where every thought flies around out of control.

I find that I don't run away from my past. I run away from my present; I simply avoid my past. Or try to.

Is it wrong for me to occasionally want something physically traumatic to happen to me?

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happy birthday padre
Thursday. 6.12.08 2:39 pm
Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 52.

I hope you're having a good day, Dad. Happy Birthday. I love you.

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