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A constant state of being.
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
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Saturday. 9.13.08 9:10 pm
The crying every day has stopped for the time being. I'm still down though.

It seems that my body still has to adjust the the BC. I felt sick last month when I started taking it and now that I've started my second month, I feel the same way. It has some good benefits though, so I guess it's worth dealing with the unfortunate, minor side effects.

The warning I received about my work place seems to be starting to prove correct. If it gets to a certain point, I'm going to have to report it and put in for a transfer to somewhere else. I don't want to have to do that, but if these guys start really acting like the pigs I was warned they were, then I'll have no choice. Let's just say I'm not looking forward to tomorrow night when I go back to work.

Jacob and I are getting married ... at least our characters in the game we play are. It was my idea when the option became available, but I'm happy that he's eager to go along with it. We're already engaged and the wedding will be happening within a few days. I wonder what the ceremony will look like.

Most postmasters don't look at the names on the envelopes; they just look at the address. Well, go figure that I happen to get the one who looks at the name. Needless to say, I haven't been getting any of my mail. I got some when I first moved here, but now I'm not getting anything. So I had Jake's mom write a note to the postmaster stating that I am currently residing here and I need to have my mail delivered to this address and she made sure my name was on it. In the meantime I need to figure out how to get all the mail that was sent back. I know some of what I was supposed to get, but other than that, I can't thing of exactly what I'm supposed to be getting, but haven't been. Such as the paycheck that I am in desperate, desperate need of.

Anywho, I think that's it for now. Who knows when I'll write again.

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Tuesday. 9.9.08 9:10 pm
Jacob keeps telling me that once I realize most people are selfish, it'll make it easier to accept. Even if I realize it, I still have trouble with it.

Is it selfish of me to want him to stay with me? Is it selfish for me to want him to still do the cute little things that I loved so much in the beginning? The things that made me smile and simply be in a better mood throughout the day? Is it selfish for me to want him to tell me he loves me?

I want what seems like so many different things; the "I want" is what makes them all sound selfish.

Him? He only wants one thing from me. To understand him. That's not much to ask for. It's only one little thing. Yet ...

This depression is tearing me up. Crying has become a regular thing again. I haven't been eating and people are starting to notice. Who would have guessed though; eating two things in the last three days ... people are bound to notice.

What makes this even worse is that I don't mean to bring people down with me, but they are because they're either worried or pissed. I think it's varying now. And it's making me feel worse. I guess it's time to pull out the fake smiles and forced ... I wouldn't say "happiness," but something along those lines.

I know that I need to get out of the house, other than just to work, but when I'm like this, I just want to lock myself up in a room and curl up in the corner. My problem with that is that I want someone to come in and comfort me. Jake would do that, but he's sick of me being like this. It's annoying him so he just wants to stay away.

I think I need to start trying to get out of it.

... one of the biggest reasons for this is that I'm still terrified that once I move out of the apartment, he'll end the relationship. Moving in was a test; it would either strengthen the relationship or kill it. So far it's been tough, but it's still going. Moving out will be an even bigger test. Will he realize that it's better without me? Or will the time apart and the space we need help to strengthen it?

There are other things, but I need to go to work. Perhaps I'll write about them later.

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unsure feeling
Saturday. 9.6.08 7:09 pm
I don't feel well today. Not so much sick, but more uncomfortable. Like something isn't right. But not like when I usually get this way. This time it's more along the lines of something is simply out of place. Rather than something completely wrong happening, it's merely a temporary inconvenience. I only wish I could place it. I'm not sure if it would make me feel any better though.

Anywho, I've been thinking about some stuff today. Before I met Jacob, I had had a dislike for people for quite a few years. Most of the cause was probably from the way that I was treated; I learned that people weren't nice and shouldn't be liked for those reasons. Rather than learning that not all people are that way; only handfulls here and there and ignoring the ones who deserve to be ignored. The dislike for society stuck with me.

Jacob is the same way, only his disklike for people is much more intensified. I'm beginning to wonder if some of that is starting to rub off on me. I've always had my days where I haven't wanted to deal with people. Days where I've purposly stayed in the house to ignore everyone, even if I knew I had something that needed to be done.

My new job requires a lot less effort and I have to deal with a lot less people, directly. Yet I find that instead of excitement for getting paid much more and having to do a lot less work, I don't want to go because of the few people I still have to interact with. I don't see anything wrong with any of them. None of them has done anything to cause me dislike them; it's just the way I feel.

I can still tolerate people more than Jacob can. Or at least I think I can. I can put on the mask and interact with society even on the days when I feel like locking myself in. He can too, but ... ugh. I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Maybe I just want to feel like I'm stronger than he is, in at least one sense.

Another thing that's been on my mind is jealousy. I asked him once if he felt any kind of jealousy towards anything that I've done, do or have and he said no, because he trusts me. Fully and wholy. There's absolutely no reason for him to be jealous and he's right to trust me. I trust him entirely, too; probably more than he realizes, but I still get jealous from time to time. It's part of who I am. There's really no reason behind it, but it's still there.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, for some reason, I'd like for him to show even a little jealousy on rare occasion. I want him to be a little jealous that I work with all guys {with the exception of one other female, who I rarely see anyway.} I don't know why, but it's something I want him to feel. Even if only once or twice.

Does what I'm saying even make sense? I don't know. Maybe, if I can muster up the courage or try to find the right words, I'll talk to him about it tonight.

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one month
Friday. 9.5.08 2:54 pm
I started my new job. It's amazing just how tired you can get from doing nothing, or close to it. Wednesday after I got home from working 6:30am-3:00pm, I did the dishes and passed out, expecting to be up in a few hours after taking a short nap. Next thing I know it's 20 after 11 at night. I slept the whole second part of the day away. Better yet, after staying up for a few hours, going back to bed around 3am, I didn't wake up again until close to 11am. I didn't realize I was that tired.

There is some work involved. The job isn't that ridiculously simple. Having to count for a few thousand laptops takes effort. And lowering a dock plate that requires more weight to lower than what you actually weigh takes effort too. I'm still working on my technique to get them down without having to jump on the edges.

My eye stopped twitching for all of about a day and a half. It's starting to twitch again. I know I'm stressed, but I was hoping that I had lowered the stress level just enough to get my eye to stop twitching. Apparently whatever is bothering me today is causing it to rise again.

Exactly one month from today is my 22nd birthday. My plans for going out of town obviously have been canceled/postponed. It would not look good on my part to get a new job and request to take a week off a month after I started. That's a good way to lose a job. So what the plan now is is to just chill out around Vegas. Not what I had in mind, but I'm going to try and make it a pleasant weekend. I'm debating between where I should go for dinner. Right now it's between Chipotle {which I've never had} or Chili's {which I've only ever had once.}

We had Olive Garden last night and it wasn't too tasty. Who knows, I might end up just settling for In'N'Out Burger. I've been craving it for a while and if I don't get it in the next month that might very well end up as my birthday dinner. Who knows.

There's still a lot I need to figure out. If only it was as simple as "only time will tell." Then again, perhaps I'm thinking too much into it. Maybe it really is that easy and I'm just making it harder than it should be.

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official last day
Saturday. 8.30.08 9:59 pm
Today was my last day at Big Lots. Never again {hopefully} am I ever going to have to work there. I liked {most} of the people who worked there; there's always going to be someone who I don't get along with or can't tolerate, but my job was not the best. Especially for the little pay I was getting. It was a thousand times better than working in the food industry, but I didn't get paid near enough for the amount of work I was doing. Unfortunately that's usually the case with jobs like those.

I have two days to rest, then I start training at my new job Tuesday morning. I'm looking forward to it. Mostly it's the paycheck I'm looking forward to. I'll be getting a biweekly paycheck, but I'm okay with that. It'll be about 3 or 4 times more than what I was getting weekly with Big Lots. It'll be amazing my first paycheck. I'll actually have money in my account. I'm going to catch up with my bills and hopefully be out of here by the 1st of November.

I had nothing to worry about today. My day actually started out well because it was overcast the whole day. I didn't get to go out and play in the 15 minute drizzle cuz I was working, but I liked the smell of rain comin in through the doors. And Monica was only pissed off cuz of one of the other employees not doing the work they were supposed to be doing. Me calling in yesterday was only the icing on the cake. She was in a good mood today too.

Jacob started his job today. He won't be home until later so I won't know how it went until then. I really hope it went well. He seems perfect for the job. And he really needs it. We both need this.

Hopefully I'll have more to update now that I'll be doing something different. But if I'm not on much, it probably just means I'm busy.

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*le sigh*
Thursday. 8.28.08 5:03 pm
I got a new job. It's for a security company. I'll be making about $3 more an hour, if not more, and I'll have benefits. I haven't started yet, but I go to training/orientation tomorrow morning. I hope it doesn't bother Jacob that I'm in the same class as him now. I have a feeling he was happy about me not having to be there. I've already said yes so I can't change my mind now, but I sort of wish I had just said I couldn't do it until next week when they had mine scheduled. Ugh.

I've given myself a month and a half to be out of here.

I'm afraid that once I move out our relationship is going to falter ... and I've told him how I feel.

He doesn't read these things anymore. I'm sure he would if I asked him to. Otherwise, no. I can't say I don't care; otherwise I wouldn't be mentioning it, but whatever.

If you can't tell the overwhelming stress I'm under is kind of overpowering my excitement about the new job.

I want to just get away and hide out somewhere for a while, but my need for certain things is keeping me from actually doing so. Like money to survive, amongst other things.

I just don't know ...

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