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Sunday. 8.10.08 9:49 am
I've been so confused lately. Jake keeps pushing me to figure out where I want to go and what I want to do. I know that I need to figure this out, but I'm trying to figure so much out at the same time it's hard to focus on only that.

We had a sort of house party the other night at my sister's. Jake brought Blue Ice potato vodka, cinammon After Shock and a 12 pack of Miller Chill. My sister and I had a nice buzz going, while Anthony, John and Jake got drunk. Altogether there were 11 of us there, but only 5 of us were drinking.

The night was great up until the alcohols finally mixed in everyone's stomachs and they didn't mix very well.

For two hours Jake wanted to talk. Even though I was tired, I stayed up and listened. I didn't think it was going to take that sort of turn though.

What am I supposed to do? He confessed to me how much he still loves someone. That he wanted her there to hold. I also found out that I had been having a poor attitude toward the wrong person. It wasn't the same one as I thought he still loved. The girl I thought he still wanted didn't even come up in conversation. Instead two names came up; two that I hear on a somewhat regular basis, but I always just thought they were good friends. The way he talked about them was just like they were his closest friends. It was very similar to the way he talks about his best friend, Mike. So of course I wouldn't think anything of it.

His mom mentioned the one name he did about a week before this drunken-incident and yes, it bothered me because he hadn't told me, but I pushed it aside. And came close to, not forgetting it, but not dwelling on it ... until he confessed his love for her. Now it's making me sick.

He told me how much he misses his home and that's an understandable thing. But he only brought up missing his home and two other people. I'm tyring very hard not to use the logic that she's the only reason he wants to go back. But when nothing or no one else came up in the reasons why he wants to go back? It's pretty hard not to use another logic.

I need to talk to him about this. It's all making me physically sick again. I need to get this off my chest and find out exactly what's going on before I get worse.

During the drunken stupor he also repeatedly told me how beautiful he thinks I am and that I should never let anyone tell me differently. That I need to know how beautiful I am. Right before we both fell asleep, he told me that he loves me. And that I should never forget that.

Is it possible to love two people at the same time, but in different ways?

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quick up
Thursday. 7.31.08 9:45 pm
To use a word Edward used, I'm kind of at an impasse right now. I'm still working my shitty, half-ass hours at Big Lots. I'm still looking for another job, though probably not as hard as I'm capable of doing. I've been living with Jake for almost a week and I only seem to feel comfortable when it's just him and I in the apartment. Or even when I'm by myself. As soon as his mom comes home, I start to feel a little less comfortable.

I have no idea why.

I just know that I need to get a job and my own apartment. I'm praying that the place I want to move in to will still have something available when I need it.

Thanks to Jake, I'm addicted to this online game called Mabinogi. I don't understand everything, but I seem to want to play it all the time. He helps me with the things I have trouble with. It's nice having a personal helper in the game.

So that's it for now. I shall write again whenever.

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quick update
Sunday. 7.27.08 9:26 pm
I finish moving my things over to Jake's house tomorrow. I hope I don't have to intrude for too long. It all depends on when I can get a full time job that will pay me enough to allow me to afford my own place.

My mom has been pissing me off lately. This whole moving thing is stressful for all of us and it's hard to keep tempers from flaring, but ... whatever.

I know that everything will be okay. It's just getting through it that's hard.

The Dark Knight is an amazing movie. I suggest you drop what you're doing immediately and go see it. When you're done, go back and watch it again. If we can, we're going to see The Dark Knight a second time. It all depends on money.

That's all I have for now. Hopefully the next time I write, I'll have something good to update on.

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Monday. 7.21.08 7:33 pm
I already know that I'm not on much anymore, but I'll be on even less during the next two weeks or so.

I'm incredibly stressed out and I have a feeling I'm worrying entirely too much over things that take the time I don't have.

It's hard though, not to stress when you have less than 2 weeks to find a job, find a place to live, be able to afford everything you need to pay for and still try to maintain a calm and collected composure.

I don't ask for much, but please God let this work out. I need Your help with this.

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my continuing hiatus
Saturday. 7.12.08 8:35 am
It's not that stuff hasn't been happening, because it has. I just haven't felt the need to write about any of it.

I'm still on Nutang every day. It's the site I default back to when nothing else on the net satisfies me. I still read blogs and try to find something worthwhile to comment, but I'm nowhere near as active as I used to be. I guess everyone needs a break once in a while.

Wanted is a good movie. As long as you're okay with how fake some of the stuff is. I mean, really? Have you ever known anyone who can curve a bullet in real life? But since I was one of the people who was able to enjoy the movie for what it is, despite the unrealistic stunts, I rather liked it.

I got car insurance yesterday. I'm paying about half of what I was actually planning on paying. You could say I'm happy about that.

I'm looking into apartment complexes that offer 6 or 9 month leases that are reasonably cheap. If I can get a 1 bedroom for less than or about $600 a month, I should be able to afford the extra utilities. Since it'll just be me, the bills won't be uber high. So it shouldn't cost me more than the $800 a month I'd be paying if I stayed at the extended stay place I had in mind.

Part of me is wanting to stay in Vegas so that if something were to happen to my sister, she'd have a place to go. I realized that's the reason I was going back to Florida with my mom: so she wouldn't be going alone. Whenever I thought about going back to Florida it was always in the 'vacation' mindset. I realized that I didn't actually consider living there again. With mom marrying Steve, she won't be going alone anymore. I don't have to worry as much. Even though Steve and I don't always get along or agree, I know he won't let anything happen to my mom.

I know that my sister has Tony to take care of her, but what if they get into a fight? They're living together and with mom leaving, she'd really have nowhere to go. I could provide that refuge. At least for a while. Until she gets her life in order; get's a job and her license.

I'm not going to deny that part of the reason I'm wanting to stay in Vegas is because of my boyfriend, but as I think about it, that reason is being pushed farther down on the list of reasons.

I have to figure out what I want before I go and pursue it. I don't know what I want. I've been thinking and still nothing is coming to me. I don't know where exactly I want to go. Nor do I want to go there blind, as I did in Tucson. I want to find out where I want to go, go there, do some research, come back and then decide if I want to go back.

I'm also still trying to figure out exactly who I really am. . .

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Sunday. 7.6.08 10:05 pm
Someone says my name, whether trying to get my attention, introducing me or otherwise, and I turn in the general direction, thinking nothing of it.

He says my name and my heart skips a beat. Then it quickens ever so slightly before I will it back to a normal beat.

I wonder why ...?

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