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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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The best thing short of perfect
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Him: i could see myself leaving someone for someone else
Him: but not cheating
Me: hm, so if you found someone better, you'd leave me?
Him: they'd have to be pretty fucking amazing to leave you. unrealistically so.
Him: but in theory.
Me: hm
Me: you like me that much?
Me: although it's not reassuring that if you met someone you thought was better you would leave me
Him: realistically, if you found a perfect guy, wouldn't you do the same? im not perfect for you
Him: i dont think there is a 'perfect girl' out there for me so i would really doubt i'd ever leave you
Him: but again, in theory.
Him: but yes, i do like you that much.

Realistically, if I found a perfect guy, I probably would NOT leave my current boyfriend for him. Because realistically, if I thought someone was perfect, I would not pursue him. Not only that, but isn't it kind of a selfish thing to do? Leave for someone better, I mean? Or is the idea that having met that perfect person, one would not be able to be satisfied in one's current relationship and therefore be unable to return affection any longer, in which case it makes more sense to break it off anyway?


I can't feel anything...

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Vagueness at some point
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
...Because everybody loves those vague posts I write, yeah? You know, the ones that sort of hint at something but don't really give it away, so you kind of get a sense that something's up but you're not sure because it's really unspecific and undirected at anyone in particular?

Anyway, how 'bout we get started here?

My boyfriend drove up on Thursday night and got here at about 2 AM on Friday morning. That's why I haven't been posting, in case anyone noticed.

We had fun, and it wasn't awkward like it was sometimes with my ex. I did feel a bit embarrassed when I wasn't sure what to feed him and ended up grabbing a can of split pea soup (which I would have eaten if it weren't for the bacon content). Apparently he doesn't eat many vegetables (talk about dietary clashes X|), so he didn't eat it all. Also it looked kind of disgusting. (Canned split pea soup... not sure what you'd expect, but it wasn't too pretty)

Friday was spent doing nothing in particular, if I remember correctly. Angie and Lucy had stayed the night because we were up late playing Cranium and baking chocolate cookies (with a dash of cinnamon for kicks), so they were there for breakfast as well.

It was one of those weekends that I have no pictures to show for. I'm a bit sad about that, seeing as I like to have a visual record of what I do, but my camera has been dead for a few days...

Saturday we went to the di Rosa Art Preserve over in... Napa? That was pretty decent. Lunch, however, was not. We went to some chain Italian restaurant I doubt you've heard of, and the pizza was terrible. We got a medium pizza but only ate half of it because I only wanted one slice and he didn't feel well enough to keep eating.

After hanging out on a park bench for around half an hour we drove to San Francisco, visited the Mus�e M�canique, got spooked by a homeless guy holding some branches, went to In-N-Out (I got a Neapolitan shake and he got a burger), and saw the Ripley's Museum there. Unfortunately he also parked in a terrible lot that charges $3.50 per half hour, so it was a pretty costly trip.

Let's see... Sunday. What did we do Sunday? Oh yeah, we went to the Japanese Friendship Garden downtown. It took me awhile to remember... We walked around the garden for a bit before driving over to the Old Spaghetti Factory for lunch, then went back and meandered through the adjacent park. I gotta say, it's a pretty huge park... not as big as Central Park, obviously, but still massive.

I'm happy to say I don't feel horribly awkward eating in front of him like I did with my ex. He also didn't force feed me candy, so that's a plus.

We got a bit lost on the way back home and ended up in one of those nice-looking-but-creepy suburbs in the middle of nothing. By "middle of nothing" I mean "situated next to a hill and surrounded by dead grass." The only greenery there is the carefully watered lawns. He and I both agreed we'd never want to live in such a place. Too Stepford Wives-y. We wanted to find out how much the houses were going for, but the only one that seemed to be on sale was apparently on top of a hill and behind a gate. Guessing it's somewhere in the million-dollar range.

MONDAY. Man, what even happened on Monday? We went to the Boardwalk, played in the arcade (it was actually a good experience with him, unlike with my ex... Who was so obsessed with winning me a teddy bear that he only played boring games, when all I wanted to do was have some fun with him...)

I like those music/dance/coordination games, so we played some of those. It would've been a lot more awesome if my mom hadn't given me Chuck E. Cheese tokens instead of Boardwalk tokens. X| I guess that was an amusing, if embarrassing, moment though.

Me: -Trying to insert the tokens into an air hockey table- They won't go in. I think it's stuck.
Him: -Fiddling with the tokens- The ones in the outside slots fit, but the middle ones don't. -Examines one- Wait, these are Chuck E. Cheese tokens.
Me: What? Are you serious? -Looks at token- Oh man. I am SO telling my mom about this when we get home!
Him: Maybe we should go to Chuck E. Cheese after this.

They revamped the Haunted Castle this year, so we waited in line amidst the kids and their parents and rode that. It wasn't really that scary, but I wasn't expecting it to be. Not like that park in Oregon or wherever where if you tried to use the emergency exit inside, it was a brick wall and a vampire jumped out at you.


Things went well, but I still feel a sense of... wrongness. It's not hitting me hard yet, but I could definitely see this resulting in tears at some point. Blaming is pointless and nonsensical. Despite that, I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up blaming myself. I always do in these situations. If I start caring I think I might be sick.


I guess that wasn't the epitome of vague, but I needed a title.

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An Idle Question [DP]
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Dodge propaganda
Monday, August 9, 2010
Fun stuff from the internet:

The teacher is my favorite, I must admit.


There is a smell of fresh bread wafting around my house and although it's pleasant, I'd really like to know where it's coming from, because we haven't got any fresh bread on hand.

Also, music...

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I'm not sure if it's the stitches
Sunday, August 8, 2010
But SOMETHING in my mouth is making me feel like a chain smoking person who thinks brushing their teeth is a waste of time frenched me.

It's pretty horrible, to say the least.

I think most of the stitches dissolved but there's this one spot that seems to be a bit behind.

Too much information?

It makes me think of old men whose primary form of communication is barking and who use the word "ass" more than they use the word "the". They have large glasses through which they glare at any and all people they perceive as weak. They live in houses with wood paneled walls and brown carpets and sometimes they have moustaches.


Tater tots with ketchup are helping to alleviate this feeling.

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Stuffity stuff that has nothing to do with stuffing
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Title? Don't ask.

So let's see... boyfriend wants me to move south to be with him. Nay, I say. I'm worried about expenses, for one thing. Also I don't like southern California. Plus it's kind of a big deal to move. Once I've finished a year at the local community college and I'm going to transfer, it'll make more sense, but for now, there are more pros if I stay here.

Maybe we can discuss it with my parents when he comes to visit.

ALSO: Clubbing tonight, I think. That made for an interesting discussion.

Not the exact transcript, but close enough:

Him: Don't get raped.
Me: I won't.
Him: It could happen.
Me: I think my friends would notice if I disappeared. Anyway I'm not dolling myself up or anything, so it's not like I'll look super sexy.
Him: Until someone with an asian fetish comes along...
Me: Then he can hit on Lucy. :P
Him: Or you. Maybe I should date Lucy instead; at least she goes to school here. I don't think she'd want to date me though, and I wouldn't be happy with her.
Me: I dunno, guys go for her cuteness...
Him: She's cute, but it's not the same as being hot, and I think that's more important in a club.
Me: Uh, I'm not hot either.
Him: -Sigh-
Me: What? You think I am? :0
Him: Low self esteem.
Me: It's not low self esteem, I'm just saying, I'm not hot. Cute, yeah, maybe even pretty, but not hot... nor sexy or whatever.
Him: If you dressed for it you would be. Not that I'm saying you should.

My reaction was basically surprise and amusement. He's said I'm cute when I'm being tickled but I think that's about it... So yeah, this was definitely unexpected. Not sure what to make of it. :S Maybe I should, y'know, actually start caring about how I look or something.

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A hundred facts, unless I miscounted
Monday, August 2, 2010
Dilated put me at the beginning of his tag list, so I felt rather obligated to post this...

1. I've always wanted a nickname, but never had one. (Though not for lack of trying)
2. My favorite color when I was younger was magenta, "because it's like pink and purple mixed together."
3. I baby talk to my budgies.
4. In the past I've been pessimistic on purpose.
5. My favorite song is "Invisible Sun" by The Police.
6. I pick favorites not based on what I like most, but what I like most consistently over time.
7. I don't keep my birds in my room because I don't want them to watch me if I'm changing.
8. I like cooking but I tend to put it off because I don't want to have to eat all of what I make.
9. I always feel slightly bewildered when I get compliments on my hair because I don't actually take very good care of it.
10. It bothers me when I start consecutive sentences with the same word.
11. Though it's been awhile, I'm still dismayed that Tag First Move is no more.
12. I used to have a lot of dreams where I was being chased.
13. My parents stopped reading to me when I was six because after I'd learned how to read on my own, I didn't want to wait for them to turn the page.
14. I'm an agnostic.
15. Sometimes when it's really late at night I get the urge to clean.
16. I hate awkward moments in movies because they make me feel awkward too.
17. For some reason I have a preference for very skinny guys.
18. I used to play Bejeweled so much that I obsessed over the perfect move that would eliminate nine at a time.
19. Like everyone else who's ever played The Sims, I created a Sim version of myself. It didn't look anything like me.
20. I think "Go West" by The Village People sounds sad.
21. From time to time I will ask my friends what they think my faults are so that I can try to fix them.
22. I'm constantly trying to improve myself.
23. As a result of teasing when I was younger I'm rather self conscious about my scars.
24. One time when I was four or five I was pretending to be Catwoman, and I accomplished this by repeatedly licking my left forearm.
25. I don't think of things as wasting my time anymore.
26. Before I reached fifth grade, I always thought I'd be huge when I was ten.
27. I believed a lot of the stuff my friends told me when I was in elementary school. For example: if you sleep with wet hair it soaks into your brain.
28. I think quail are hilariously adorable.
29. I'd enjoy a lot more activities if I didn't have to do them with my parents.
30. I hate exercising by myself in public.
31. I've been terribly ticklish my whole life. It's caused problems when I've gone to the doctor for a checkup.
32. Before I went pescetarian my favorite fast food place was Taco Bell.
33. My budgies can almost always cheer me up.
34. The Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk may not be the most exciting or flashy amusement park, but it's my favorite one.
35. Two different people have asked if they could tie me up in their closets.
36. Those same two people have made joke marriage proposals to me.
37. I never had an imaginary friend but I really wanted one when I was younger.
38. I regained my sense of wonder.
39. Nine times out of them I answer "what time is it?" with "it's Valentimes!"
40. I'm endlessly amused by the fact that most of the entries in my guestbook are about garlic bread.
41. I have brand loyalty for Old Navy.
42. As far as I know I've never had a stalker, but I think it would be interesting to have one.
43. Time travel makes me think of an endless staircase.
44. I write in Wordpad a lot.
45. It worries me that I don't know where my pre-8th grade journals are.
46. When I was younger I spent two years in Girlscouts as a punishment for not cleaning my room.
47. I don't wear sunscreen.
48. One thing I miss a lot from my childhood is starfruit. I haven't had it in forever...
49. My dad's side of the family lives in Hawaii so I go there every summer.
50. I get seasick pretty easily.
51. Even though I don't eat them anymore, I still think Lunchables are kinda cool.
52. When I actually think about how Lunchables taste I realize they're kind of disgusting.
53. I didn't fully comprehend how to use conditioner until I was in eighth grade.
54. The only makeup I wear is a smidgen of eyeliner, and that's rare.
55. I think grocery shopping is fun.
56. My favorite candy used to be Swedish Fish, but after being forcefed them by my ex boyfriend I'm not so sure anymore.
57. I've wanted a Bop-It Extreme 2 for several years.
58. I don't think I'm ever getting that Bop-It Extreme 2.
59. Though I've never cared for the whole "I have attitude" trend, I have a Happy Bunny poster in my room.
60. I have a bunkbed. It creaks.
61. I'm reluctant to get rid of my bunkbed because I use it to hang wet clothes on.
62. My room has green walls, but we ran out of paint for the ceiling.
63. When I was younger someone told me the ceilings of my house were made of spider poison. Part of me still believes it.
64. Come to think of it, I was pretty gullible in general as a little kid.
65. I think my first word was "cheese".
66. For years I thought a woman sang "Sexyback".
67. The thought of nails being dragged across unglazed pottery makes me really uncomfortable.
68. There are several memories I only remember because of the music playing at the time.
69. I made seven of the pixel people on the Nutang homepage.
70. When I was fourteen one of my hobbies was going into chatrooms and telling people birthdays weren't much to celebrate because they signified getting closer to death.
71. Most of the time I'm shy, but occasionally I have an unexplained outburst of outgoingness.
72. As of August 2nd, 2010, my hair is elbow length.
73. I strongly dislike the color pink.
74. I can't stand coffee.
75. I'd really like to live in a house with stairs.
76. In February of 2009 I tried to stop consuming dairy, but decided to only abstain for the first week of every month. When I went to college in the fall I didn't bother with it anymore though.
77. I think dairy is gross but I eat it anyway.
78. Given the number of people in the world, I figure that for everything out there, there's at least one person with a fetish for it.
79. I see everything as variations on a theme.
80. Whenever I think about the progress we've made as a species, shopping carts inexplicably come to mind.
81. I think sourdough toast is typically delicious.
82. Despite their very hard and not overly tasty nature, I really like Jujubes.
83. One of my favorite things about Jujubes is that you can forget about the box, let it get buried under a bunch of stuff, and find it a few weeks later, and the candy tastes exactly the same. That's probably not a plus for most people.
84. Sometimes I worry that eating Jujubes is going to rip one of my teeth out. It hasn't happened yet, much to my delight.
85. Even though I'll be nineteen by the time Halloween comes around this year, I still want to go trick-or-treating. I won't, since it would be weird, but I wish I could.
86. I love the subways in New York.
87. You know how some people buy too many shoes? I'm like that with socks.
88. I like fog because it makes it seem like there's much of the world left to be discovered.
89. When I was a kid I liked to put coins in my mouth because of the taste. I don't do it now because A) it's disgusting and B) I think I'm too old for that to be socially acceptable. The taste I remember fondly though.
90. I hate being too old to do things I like.
91. The worst pizza I've ever had came from this asian noodle restaurant. From what I remember the sauce was basically just watery diced tomatoes. It made the crust all soggy and horrible.
92. I love the voice of the Postal Dude in Postal 2.
93. The first time I had my period coincided with my birthday party at the beach. That was pretty awkward, I can tell you.
94. I believe in settling.
95. My best friend and my mom literally dragged me into the lingerie section when I got my first bra. I really didn't want to go.
96. I've never finished an entire jawbreaker. I had one once that I sucked away about two fifths of before I abandoned it to the freezer. I don't really know why I put it in the freezer, but for some reason I put a lot of my candy in the fridge/freezer when I was younger.
97. I used to believe gum stayed in your stomach for seven years if you ate it, but I still swallowed it anyway. Apparently the thought of a giant gum wad in my stomach didn't scare me as much as the thought of water soaking into my brain.
98. When I was in third grade the hottest thing was to make fun of Barney.
99. Apparently I was popular in sixth grade.
100. When I started this list I was worried it would be longer than my life story. I think I've had normal entries longer than this though. X|

I challenge LostSoul13 and thaitanic to do their own hundred facts... as well as ManofDarkSunglasses, should he choose to make a reappearance at any time.

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Some comeback
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Angie: ok well
Angie: i'll probably leave now
Angie: i'll call you when i get to your house
Me: alright
Me: wait
Me: can't you just ring the doorbell
Angie: that would require getting out my car
Me: god you're so lazy Angie
Angie: and you're so sexy
Angie: bye

Creepy bleeding sunflowers. (Notice the water!)

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