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It's a rather long entry.
Monday. 1.26.09 5:56 pm
You all know me. Don't be frightened.

Yesterday, my dad came over to my mom's house to pick me up to go car shopping. Mom decided that she wanted to have a family meeting restating the fact that I don't have any driving privileges until next report cards (nine weeks) come out and the grades are up to par. Alright, I guess. No harm done.

See, my mother has a way of taking an action/idea and pummeling it into your head until you finally either walk away or grow enough balls to tell her to stop. She was taking the whole situation WAY too far, and at one point, she said to me, "I mean, you were doing so great, then you kind of just crashed and burned."

Oh. No. You. Didn't. Just. Go. There.

At this point, I am FURIOUS (you'll learn why in a minute). My mother can tell I'm furious, then she says to me "Ok I can kind of tell I've pissed you off. Maybe not crashed and burned, but your grades did kind of plummet."

Oh. No. You. Didn't. Just. Go. There. AGAIN.

I don't cry, usually. I HATE crying. ESPECIALLY in front of others. You have to REALLY hurt me for me to cry. Physical pain I don't cry about unless it's a reflex and tears just come. Just, blah. Well, after she's gone where she shouldn't have, I can't hold back any more. I burst while trying to hold back, she sees I'm upset, tells me in a stern voice to tell her what's wrong, and I just tell her to stop.

She keeps going at it. "Tell me what's wrong."
I spit back, "JUST. STOP."

She gets a pissy face, but at this point, I don't care.

Why am I getting so upset at all of this, you ask? During the period where I "crashed and burned" and my grades "plummeted" I was going through a stage of depression. Don't believe me? You don't have to. Because I know how I was feeling. What makes it worse? I had non-stop panic attacks, one of the bigger ones which my mom saw. I told her at the time how I was feeling. How I didn't want to try any more. I didn't have a drive to do my school work. Nothing was worth it anymore. She told me she understood. She told me she was there for me. She saw me like this, and she even suggested a counselor.

For her to PUSH ALL OF THAT ASIDE, and tell me that it was completely my fault for just ignoring my work.

That's like shooting back, "Oh yeah? Well it must be the same situation for you. You MUST have 'crashed and burned' and 'plummeted' working at USC, and that's why you were one of the professors cut for the budget." THAT would have shut her up.

(Which, that really wasn't the case. She is an excellent professor at USC, but they simply couldn't afford to keep her course. It still would have hurt IF I were to shoot those worse at her. Which I didn't. I don't like getting even.)

Anyways, that's the end of that story. My dad and I talked in the car about it afterward, and he understands all feelings I ever have toward my mom. He knows how she rings a topic until it's dry, how she over-does it...and probably more actions of hers that I will most likely one day face.

Now, on to today. Today started the "No driving for two months" punishment. Which I guess I'm fine with. It's just more difficult when I want to hang out with friends. I was talking to my mom in the car today, and we started on pretty light topics, but somehow got in to a deep discussion on how she would deal with fights with my dad when they were married, and how she fought unfairly by instead of addressing an issue fairly, she would make it a personal attack on my dad. And I just...felt so sorry for my dad. Because I know exactly how he feels.

But I also understand why my mom needs to have control over every aspect of her life. Reasons that are too personal to publicize.

I want to be so much better than my parents, in some ways. In others, I want to be the same.

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I don't plan on staying in full IB.
Sunday. 1.25.09 10:34 pm
NO guaranteed credits, plus, it only leaves fourth block open for an extra curricular. That is not flexible at all. Plus, I want to get involved in more outside-of-school activities. Like, aside from drama. Such as Tennis! And Piano lessons. That would be...amazing.

I just don't need a bunch of extra work piled up on me.

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Friday. 1.23.09 12:03 pm
If you think about it, life is amazing in itself.
People say that laughing shortens your life span.
People also say that crying and showing your emotions lengthen your life span.

So, every time we laugh, we lose life, and every time we cry, we gain life.
Systems and balances simply blow my mind.

I cannot wait for Spring and Summer! I can already imagine that this will be a great warm season. I have so many plans, like tennis lessons! And just spending a long time outside! Getting a natural tan from being outside, and not just lying outside waiting to get skin cancer.


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Never say never.
Tuesday. 1.20.09 11:03 am
No one ever said anything about not saying impossible.

So, I failed my Biology mid-term with a whopping 49. I'm 99.9% positive that all of my other mid-terms will be in the same range. On the one hand, I'm quite upset. But I have no reason to be, because I know I slacked off.

But then again. I am not in any way shape or form upset. Because I still have two quarters to make even better grades and balance out the end-of-the-year average. And I plan to do just that.

I applied to Olive Garden the other day. I'm hoping to go back later today and speak to a manager. Having some kind of income would be really nice, seeing as allowance each week for gas most likely will not make the cut.

Soon I am going to ask my mother if I can start taking some kind of dance class, again. I'd really like to take ballet and tap again. Down side; I'd much rather have a private teacher. I'm one of those people who needs the extra one-on-one assistance, unfortunately. I've just been watching a bunch of lyrical dances on YouTube lately, and...I would love to be able to express myself like that.

I also want to start taking piano lessons. I love sounding things out on piano; I'd love to be able to read music. I can teach myself to play guitar, plus my dad can teach me for free.

I have so many things I want to do before I graduate!

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It's a gift!
Monday. 1.19.09 12:02 am
So, I deleted my MySpace the other day.
I miss it, but then again, I feel SO refreshed.
I feel like someone how it brought me so much extra drama that could have been avoided. Plus, that was the main thing that distracted me from my homework, sooooooooo YAY!

I've felt much happier, lately. I mean, yes, I've had my horrid, horrid moments. But over all, I've been much more active, I've been playing more WoW, I've kind of found a comfort zone.
I've been hanging out with this girl from my school, Ali. She's a great influence. She's happy all the time, and always wants to go out, and always makes anyone feel better.

I love living, and I love every thing. And I have begun to eliminate anything that tries to bring me down. This is not running away from reality; it is seeing reality in a positive light.

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Monday. 1.12.09 6:02 pm
A lot of relief.
And once exams are over with, hopefully I can be even MORE relieved.

I think if I do get bad grades and get my car privileges suspended, it will motivate me even more to actually stay on top of school work. I just really don't want to flunk.

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