Monday. 7.5.04 12:13 am
hey jess, my parents are home monday and tuesday.
just giving you the heads up.
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Saturday. 7.3.04 2:41 pm
chop off the hair.
keep the hair.
i've been thinking and its time for a change. dont know what change, but some change. maybe in the way i dress. maybe in the way i wear my makeup. maybe in the way i keep my hair. maybe in the way i think. at the moment, i feel like making new friends. i feel like kissing a boy. and i feel like staying out all night, in the rain...
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Thursday. 7.1.04 10:36 pm
hey jess, dont call or anything tommorow. my parents will be home. i'll write more later.
your beautiful when your crying, even when you claim you're dying. i cant help but laugh at you, and all of this is just the truth. i'm not saying i'm giving in, and saying sorry for everything that has ever been, i cant really apologize, but atleast i'm coming out from under this guise. i was wrong though, in everythign that i said so,
i was talking to jess and she told me a reason as to why i am never going to get married. i dont want to find that person. i want to fuck it up. and i was thinking, reliving, more like, my patterns and the way i do things. i do fuck up things on purpose. i really do. i get so scared that i might find the right person and i fuck it up on purpose. and when someone likes me i automatically get all weirded out and stop liking them and walk away. or do/say something to the point of where they get pissed and walk away them selves. i make life like that on purpose. i sabotage my self. maybe thats another reason as to why my number of friends is so low. 1. lol. not even that, the people that i talk to are really few aswell. i can think of let me see.... 4 maybe 5 people. lol and i dont even talk to them. i make aquantancies really easily, i dont make friends. i'm not here to be open to everyone. no. and thats really bad. i just noticed that. i like solitude but in that i force all potential "friends" out. they can never really become apart of my inner circle. if anyone has, thats a great acomplishment within its self. hah. sad, isnt it? even the people who are in the inner circle, i constantly test/sabotage that friendship so that they can no longer be a part of it. unless i keep a great distance and they're just a temp part. or a part that stays but never really gets to the inside. i feel bad, but then again i cant change it, thats just me. i guess somehow, i figure, if you want to be my friend, or anything, you'll stick it out and be able to withstand all of the shit i can throw. thats not fair to the other person either though. its a pattern i see within my self but only after i have taken action and done damage. what can i do? tell the person? no. they wouldnt understand and plus it's subtle shit that they prob didnt notice was the cause for them to get away from me. hrm. i need to stop this. i was thinking. david's in the inner circle, but only because we never hang out. no i cant say that. but he's there cause its a mutual love. its a brother sister situation. and i go long periods with out talking to him but whenever we do talk, its like nothing happened, and its all catch up. we know anothers secrets, but would never divulge any of it. its trust that developed mutually. interesting. jess, it took what, two years for her to really really be a part of me. she will never leave the inner circle, she bascially is the inner circle. well, the true one at least. david doesnt know alot, but thats more of a social friendship. no, i help him, and he helps me, but i dont know. but jess, shes just, i dont know you know. just jess dude. shes made it through all of the shit, and persevered. and plus it doesnt hurt that she's my foil. lol. other people, they come and go because i like them. i have a crush on them, or something, and i pay emmense attention to them for a while, then i get tired, and i drop them. they are no longer part of the circle. not that they were really part of it to begin with. theres this one kid though, he got really close and it freaked the shit out of me. i think now though, its ending. its taking its last stage of death, and he's bothered with me. thats fine. i fucked it up. there was potential but then again, i tend to screw those things up and only realize i did after the damage is done. he won't be back, not because i wont let him, but because he wont want to. man, i really screwed up a nice one though, he made me laugh. ah. sad. oh well, what is there to do? hrm... he was out of my league anyways. but i'm more me now. more secure than ever before. i've grown alot and know more now as to who i am and what i want. this little realiztion is somehting that i have always known yet, never really faced head on. i know its there. i've always known. but thats cool cause, thats me. its what i do. i want to say that i'm not going to change but i will. i have to. i wont change immensly, yet, subtly i will. eh. its something at least. coming year, i'll try not to sabotage a good thing. the last i'm suprised took me this long to sabotage. lol. that was a while. lol. the next one, i wont let it happen. or i cant guarantee that but, i'll try not to fuck it up. you know why i do that? its a self confidence complex. i have none, so i shouldnt have anything. i really hate my self in alot of aspects and i dont believe that anything good should ever happen to me so if anything remotly cool comes along, i'll fuck it up subconsiously. shit. i knew that. eh...
no time now, but i'll write more later.
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Thursday. 7.1.04 10:53 am
la la la la. its really early. its morning. its kind of pretty, the morning dew, the dank clouds, the acoustic music. i like it. not to mention the solitude. all by my self. *takes deep breath* i'm enjoying this.
i feel guilt. and i know jess is right. my period is going to start. eh. i dont feel like divulging more at the moment.
i think its too far gone. ok. that makes me sad. way too sad. eh. i can try to fix it but if it wont bbe fixed then oh well... ah, i do feel guility.
lets listen to the music and forget all this...
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Wednesday. 6.30.04 3:14 pm
its the middle of the day and its so dark in my room that i had to turn on a lamp to type. hah. thats so sad man.i dont know. i'm bored now. my good mood transformed into wasted energy which fed my boredom. not good. i was thinking which is never really a good thing and well, i dont know. jess is right. i think my period is going to start. *shrug* thats probably why i'm thinking this but i'm not going to write that down. i'm going to tell jess but thats about it. eh.
i wrote this a while back, not really it was last week and it was for nutang. i just never posted it.
ok crash time. i'm really tired now. i feel as if i should be going to sleep and its fucking eight oclock. now thats just wrong. i dont know. i crashed. i had a really sudden hyper high and now i'm crashing. it was like i was ontop of the world and now, i'm catching the memories as i float down to reality. hah. but i did have a good day. it began with coffee. moved onto donuts, had some good laughs, really good conversations. learned alot. then went home, had some nice food, relaxed a little, posted, listened to awesome music, woke up, had an amazing energy burst, high like none other. then i cleaned up the WHOLE house in record time, made plans that didnt fall through, but talked to a person i really like, even brief, had a cool dinner, and now i'm crashing. aka, coming down. i'm really enjoying this day. i havnt had a good day in a while, and this, this was nice. i really liked it. talked a little to jess, turned on my brain for a bit, i liked today. enjoyable.
i was laying in bed, late at night, the world was silent, my mind was buzzing, the velvet consumed me, and the darkness was my companion. it was nice. my thoughts weren't interesting yet, slightly revealing. its always something right? but, i'm terrified. horridly terrified. its scary, its tremendous, its life. there are childish things that plauge me at the moment, and they can only be anticipated yet, i thought i would never contract these, not this disease. yet, unfortunatly through my stupidity, i have, unknowingly contracted the insanity. i'm a contradiction. i hate being around people. i dont like them yet, sadly i strive for them. i cant be alone. i fear it yet, wallow in it. i love it and hate it all the more. i fear being alone, i fear dying alone, and i fear forever being in solitude yet, i cannot stand the thought of being out there, immersed in the world, immersed in the people, out of control. i cant. sadly i must quote the wicked (the mother) yet, "i am a very solitary person" i like my privacy. i like my seclusion, i like my delusion i can be happy alone. yet, i fear all so much. i'm not really alone. i've never really been alone. theres always some one there for me, whether it be a friend, a companion, or a belief. i'm never really alone. why fear it if it'll never come true. hrm....
hrm... i just reread that. i am scared of being alone but also, i like it all too much. the solitude. the quiet contemplation. the beauty of it. i like being around people. certain people. theres a time to socialize and do that thing, and then theres a time to be alone, and contemplate. the latter of course takes up most of my life yet, thats how i fashioned it, and thats how i like it. chilling with jess is awesome but the best part is that we go to barnes and nobles, and sit there in silence and dont have to say a word, go on reading our own books, and we're good. we dont need talking, or anything to be ok. around other people, driving in the car, you have to talk, instigate conversation, do something, not around her. its cool. its a form of solitude, with someone. we are very different independantly yet, the same in so many ways. we work well. its cool. i wish i could have that kind of friendship with other people but most people cant deal with just sitting there and not talking. just reading, or being. wasting time, yet, not at all. your in your mind, contemplating seeing the world, and another person is there, doing the same. i think thats why i dont like people. there arnt many people out there who have the same calm insides with the insanity outside, while hiding it by silence. jess is like that. i'm like that. we work. i want to find a person like that. if i ever find a person like that, then i probably would get married. i have this horrendous fear of marriage. but i think its cause of that. people dont click. if i ever find a boy like that. it'll work. what i'm hoping is that i never find that person. lol. no, what i wish exists doesnt. and thats cool, i accept man. so i'm never getting married. i havnt admited this, and this is a first. but yeah. that kind of person doesnt exist. not for me at least. thats why i have these stupid crushes, thats why. *shrug* tis life, isnt it. I like quiet people, geeky people, innocent people. but i also like intelligent hardasses who fucking own oveer me. yeah, jess fucking all the time just like, i dont know. shes right most of the time and i'm wrong. man, if i ever find a guy with jess's personality, i'm set. lol. whats sad is that i could never be a lesbian. ah, not my thing. i find boys awesome. ah. dude, awesome. but i can never find one that fits. not me at least. maybe that's the way its suppose to be. i'm to be alone. it scares me but so be it. i give in too easily. hrm. i'm a very cautious person. where i step, who i know, when and where i am vulnerable, i watch very carefully. i am not going to let another person ruin my life again. because i was vulerneable. because i loved them. fuck that. because i have loved other people. hard. i have pained. i'm not going to let that happen. there are things you dont do to another human. there are moral standards in which to abide. i'm not always the most moralistic person on earth but i do have principals. there are lines you dont cross, and things you dont do. i learned them the hard way, but at least i learned them. the lessons i have been taught have been amazing experiences that have shaped who i am today. i am not a little girl, but i'm desperatly trying to hold onto that lost childhood. let me be a kid. i am immature, stupid, emotional, and girly. but you know what, i didnt get that chance before and i'm making up for the past. Inside, deep down, i am a very quiet person. i dont say a word. i contemplate everything, and there are morals there. yeah, deep down, they exist. and thats me. but on the out side, no... that side of me, is for me, and for anyone who can get close enough. i'm suprised that anyone can get there. jess, she knows it exists, she may have even seen it ocasionally, but, for the rest of the world, no. i like to act stupid and ditzy, i use to way too much. i've toned down and am more me, yet, i want to be stupid, and inane, and immature. and what not. i want a childhood for as long as i can. fucking harry potter, jimmy neutron, i want to be a kid. ah, this has no point. its just a ramble. but oh well. i dont know. i think i just want to break through. i want show my self to someone, but theres no one there to show. i dont know.
enough of this. its getting too scary. *shrug*
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Wednesday. 6.30.04 11:22 am
its so early in the morning and i feel so good. so surreall. its awesome. i love it. it feels like the morning after and all you have are good memories and the left over feelings of happiness and even contentness. its wonderful.
the music is perfect. it flows with my mind.
take a deep breath, savor what you have, its fleeting.
there are alot of things going through my head. alot about people. commentary i have about them and feelings i havnt controled yet.
D's a good kid. good kid. love the boy. he has fucked up relationships but other than that, i love em. i've managed to keep my self away from the whole "i like/love d crap" and its nice to be his friend and see his relationships and laugh. its cool. i love keeping a distance while still being there with him. its cool. strictly friends is the best thing that happened to the two of us. i love the kid. he's awesome. good times.
jess has some problems right now but i think its all fixable. its stuff thats going to happen, that can be prevented, that has too happen, that will happen. (i'm referring to diff things if you cant tell) but, shes going to be ok. at least i think. and that cool. i'm fucking amazed at how much she has grown. i love it. shes angry now. that emotion has finally manifested its self and its beautiful. i think it's by far awesome.i love it when she's angry. and no one should blame her. its awesome. let the girl live life. but, this is good. growth is good.
i was thinking about this one kid and how i always seem to leave him hanging. and i was thinking. i really dont care about the kid the way i once did. i mean, hes a good kid, hes ok, b ut there's too much emots there for me to deal with and when i want to chill with jess, thats a jess and i only thing. and all my free time goes to her so there really isnt any room for him. i guess its bad that i do that but oh well. thats life. and thats the way i am going to be. if i dont care about you, i will be like that. and i realize that i screw my self over cause i see the social obligations and make plans. then i allow my self to cut it off and blow him off. cause i really dont care. but thats life. oh well. i need to learn to stop that. i need to learn to ignore social obligations. lol
then i was thinking about this other kid. i really did like this kid. alot. really did. and notice how it says "did" the past tense is a lovely thing to be using. i mean, and attraction to a cool, funny, good looking kid is always going to be there but not the liking him as much. no. i think i'm done with that. someone got whiney shity on me and i realized thats fucking stupid. and i dont feel like socializing. last night i did. but this morning i contemplated what i was doing and i decided not to. my new plan this summer is to stay away from people as much as possible. i mean there will be rockets. there will be jess. and thats it. no, i have to chill with david. ok thats it. lol. i dont think i'm going to be playing magic or D&D. that would be cool but now that i really think about it there really arnt that many people that i would care to play with. actually. i cant think of anyone to play with. those people are cool i have no doubt but, i'm not going to chill with them. no. i want to seperate my self from them and one kid in particular. i liked him too much and now i'm stopping it after telling my self for much too long. jess you know. i might chilll with tom though. haha. cause he's out of town until the 22 of july. hah. no, that one is cool.
ok whiney little shits annoy me. lol. thats why i dont like my sister. thats why i dont like that one kid. and thats why i dont like that other kid anymore. when you whine. its too much for me. i like fucking hardasses. jess is a hardass. she doesnt whine like that
man. thoughts. lol
i'm in a really good mood. that think about it if i were in a bad one.lol.
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