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May 2022

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a thousand words
Friday. 1.30.09 6:42 pm

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peices of puzzles.
Monday. 1.26.09 1:25 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Flavors of Entanglement
Wednesday. 1.14.09 5:22 am
It's 4:30. I can't sleep. Well, I did sleep and then I woke up and now I can't get back there.

Do you ever feel like the world is made up of codes and someone forgot to give you the directions? That somehow everyone else knows something that you missed? That you can't see? I feel like that most of the time.

I don't really know what to say. There's alot to be said though. My chest is tight and the left side of it feels like it's either going too fast or too slow, I can't tell.

I don't actually know what it is i'm feeling. I think it boils down to scared, but i'm not sure. It's all very scary, and the one thing that isn't - ....I don't know how any of this works.

This isn't about me. This isn't some kid at christmas asking for a toy and then when said child doesn't get it becomes resentful and hurt and then begins to scream and cry. What little anything I have, is nothing in comparison and I know that.

I want to be the corner of safety that I was - because I know it helped - and that's all I want.

I'm sorry if I said too much.

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The facts are these...
Sunday. 1.4.09 11:47 pm
I'm re-watching a Pushing Daisies episode called "Bitches". Comparisons between me and Olive Snook have been made (in situations and personality but not in apperance....which, would be nice if not for the fact that we're complete opposites). I don't know if it's a good thing or not. As of now, it's just a 'thing' which is something I'm trying to learn. Not to see things as good or bad...just as they are. Which, somehow usually ends up feeling bad....so, i guess the exercise isn't going as well as I hoped.

It's been a very long week. I know that it's nothing compared to other things but.....well, call me vain or selfish or bitchy or whatever else you want - it's still been a very long emotional week for me. Full of ups and downs. Highest highs, lowest lows.

Starting with the lows....that way we can end on a - a high I guess.

Emotionally, I've been a wreck. I've been everything from angry to sad to happy to numb. I've been everywhere from passionately jealous to giving in and giving up. I've been hurt and held and I've been both suspcisious and comforted. It's boy stuff and it's stupid and it's upseting. Sometimes it feels utterly pointless and at othertimes it feels like there's no other point in the whole world. Needless to say....it's tiring going from one end of the spectrum to the other continually. Especially when you throw in other aspects and feelings that accompany those aspects. This time last month I was crying my eyes out over the same thing that this month gave me just a fraction of that feeling. Good? Bad? No - it just is. lol....I know i'm not saying much. That's ok though, if anyone is actually intrested they know what to do.

As far as highs go?
I'm no longer a wanted fugitive! I paid my warrant and am not scared to drive anymore! whee!!! I also got a promotion at work! I'm going to be assistant manager and the position comes with a dollar raise, full time emoployment, and benefits. All the benefits. I'm exctied. This means I might actually be able to go back to school.
All that's left is for me to go back to God. I know that's kind of out of left field but becaues of certain things that happened with the church I was attending and my living situation I stopped going and kinda lost faith. I miss God and I miss church. I'm still wounded but I feel myself healing little by little. It'll take more time, but one day it'll get there.

Things can always be worse.
I just let myself get caught up in things.
"Let Go, and Let God"
That should be the tag line for 2009 for me.

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