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Sunday. 8.28.05 9:33 am
If I had one wish
We'd be best friends
Love'd never end
It'd just begin

Honestly, I don't know what it was that I did on thursday that made her feel the way she did. She questioned if I truly looked forward to seeing her every other day more than anything else because I've ' must have other friends ' I want to see.

I had to explain to her that although she dismantled the puzzle of our relationship two years ago by leaving me, it was I who pushed her away when she tried to rebuild what we had. I told her that I felt horrible about the way I treated her, about how cold I was and mean I had been to her, and how I wished I could take it all back because I loved her.

Although the school has more than 4000 people, I felt as though it was just me and her in that crowded hallway. Just two minutes before, when I had football coaches calling out to me, and she had her friends talking to her while we tried to navigate through the flood of people crowding us, I bit my tongue on my feelings. She was quiet then, and with her head being down I couldn't see her face. I stepped infront of the girl so that she could look up at me and told her that it was because I loved her that I didn't want to see her sad, so she smiled. After that, we kept on walking even though we had passed her class. It was really the first time that I felt as though she wanted to keep on going, just keep on being with me.

I told her that the bell was about to ring, and she threw her arms around me. I hugged her back, but not good enough.. I told her that one of these days I was going to hug her as tight as she hugs me so that she can feel how I feel when she does it to me.

I spoke to her once after that, the next day, for thirty seconds. I told her I had something for her, she asked me what, and I told her a smile. For the three weeks we've been in school, I've spent 47 hours, 53 minutes, waiting for that dismissal bell of first period to ring so we could go on our journey. I've been trying not to think of her, to try and focus on other things like my schoolwork, or trying to find work-work.. and although it works most of the times, when I'm bored I can't help but think of what I want not to. I need to find a job, a hobbie, something to fill my time. Something to do other than think of her when I'm not with her. The obvious choice would be to go back to playing football... pounding my head against someones chest when going for a tackle may shake up some memories, but once that helmet comes off and the thinking cap replaces it...

I'll go back to thinking of how I coudl have her feeling like I did on thursday : Wanting to just stay with me. That's how I feel all the time.

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Sunday. 8.21.05 5:47 pm
One day Mary, She got tired
And left me on my own
I wonder if mary knows...
That I'm all alone?

I changed my classes around to take a course with both her and another friend. Once the bell rang the first day I took the class, we both waited til all the other students cleared out and it was just me, her, and the teacher. She stood up to leave, looked at me and began to speak.. I'm not sure what she said since it was five days ago, but I remember feeling like a freshman all over again while I waited for her to finish her sentance so that I could ask her if it would be alright if I walks her to her next class. She just smiled again, and nodded her head.

The walk lasted seven minutes, and for the next 47 hours all I could look forward to was the next walk. I remember putting an arm around her and pulling her close and wondering if I smelled bad before the bell rang to start the next class,.. I ended up being late for anatomy that day. I remember the way she smiled to herself after I asked her if it would be okay if I treated her now how she'd used to treat me three years ago when she'd search for me just to hug me, and if it would be alright if I could exchange the usual ' Hey, how are you ' greeting for an embrace, even though thats against school conduct.

That day I came home and sat around watching soap opears because I got out early.. and during the commercials, all I could think of was how even when I had an arm around her, even when it seemed as though we were succeeding in regaining what we once had, I wanted more than just seven minutes. I also wanted to not have to think of her so much, so I went to Barnes and Nobles that afternoon and got an application.. went the next day with a friend there, and acouple more cafes to get applications.

I figure that if I'm working, studying, occupying myself with something other than watching love stories, my mind conjure up the image of the way her eyes would light up with each sincere smile, or the contrast between the boy she knew back then hiding within his football helmet, band instrument and other highschool stereotypes, and the guy struggling to pick up the pen to write his own story.

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Wishin' one day I'll be the lucky man
Sunday. 8.14.05 8:17 pm
You don’t remember me
Like I remember you
Was not so long ago
You broke my heart in two

She turned seventeen last night. I remember her as just some skinny girl I met outside our school waiting for her mom to pick her up. Even then, she had a lot of friends, but I did too so I didn’t notice it I guess. When I see her now, my heart refuses to view her as the woman she’s becoming.. I wanna’ remember her as the girl who’d not only hold my hand, but hold me whenever she had the chance.

Last night was her birthday, and the party, was filled with a million and one people. Hyperbole. It didn’t feel as though there was anyone there other than me and her though, when she held me close than she usually does. She’s skinny, and only eats chocolate ( I baked her a chocolate cake for her birthday, and I think her mom questioned my masculinity for that ), but when she put her arms around me I thought she was the strongest person in the room. She held me tight, tighter than anyone I can remember and although I loved having her in my arms, I hesitated when she hugged me for the second time that day, when I was leaving the party about an hour after arriving. After the initial embrace, she left to go play the hostess role with the 999,999 other people there, playing their truth or dare, air hockey and trying to look pretty while I sat with her nerd of a brother and watched the walls.

I tried my hardest not to look at her throughout the evening.. I didn’t want to let on that I was as bored as I was, didn’t want her to know that I wasn’t having as much fun as anyone there. ‘Twas her night, ‘ya know? She was happy.. I could tell from her eyes, and I didn’t wanna’ be the one to make her smile fade and that twinkle in her eye disappear. So, I sat in a corner with her dorky 12 year old brother who kept touching me. I was tempted to go T.I. on ‘em with the ‘ You don’t know me ‘, but each time I saw his face I’d remember why I was putting myself through it, ‘cause his face is just like hers.

I feel as though I had wasted my time there.. I only enjoyed two moments : When she opened the door and hugged me, and before I walked out the door and she held me.

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I kept my distance but you still caught my eye
Monday. 8.8.05 1:15 am
So I close my eyes
And then I won't see
The love you don 't feel
When you're holding me

Last time I did hold 'er, I couldn't see her eyes. I love her eyes, not 'cause of the color or anything.. but just because they're hers.

I used to get really frustarted during school, during our class together when she'd look at me from across the room. When the school started, and ended, she sat right next to me by choice.. I was going to drop that class til she told me it would be good if we had a class together. Good for us to try and rebuild and work to get what we used to have. The thing was that I wasn't ready to go back though.. I still wanted to hate her. I didn't want to trust her, to have faith in the girl. When I'd see her, I'd want to see the girl I used to know, not girl becoming a woman infront of my eyes.

Whenever the year began, she chose to sit right next to me. I was cold ot her then is what she tells me.. or told me, two weeks ago. Cold enough to drive her way across the room to sit with the cool kids. That class was really divided into two sides.. it was me and her next to eachother, then behind us were three girls who always talked to eachother, but they were two rows behind and we didn't talk to 'em much unless we had to do three+ groups. Then across the room was about twenty other students, broken up into their factions.. had the athletes in one corner, the musicians in the next, and the nerds/overachievers( They were all overachievers, 'cept for me and this one girl named Sara, it was an AP english class )..

She went to go sit with the musicans and nerds midway through the year when she got sick of the wall I put up to guard my feelings from 'er. Although I wanted her sad, wanted her to feel some sort of pain the way she had made me feel, I didn't want her to leave me. When she did, it reminded me of how she left me the year eariler.. only that time, I hadn't pushed her away.

When she was gone though.. I tried my hardest to not look at her at all, 'cause when I did I'd see her smiling and laughing and having fun with those kids, and then look beside me and see an empty desk and listen behind me and hear three girls talking about the sexy boys with bad BO. She smiled the times that I did talk to her when she sat beside me, but itwasn't one of those laughing smiles.. it was more of the smile she gave me alot when I saw her a few weeks back, the kind that makes you feel like you've just touched someones heart 'cause it's so genuine. It's not like the smile you give when you get a gift or when you're about to snot out milk, but the kind you give when you're in disbelief of what you just experienced. She'd tilt her head to the side and downcast her eyes adn just smile and think..

When I'd look at her from across the room, I'd just think to myself how much of a loser she was for leaving me, and how I didn't need her anyway. I'd tel myself how much I hated seeing her stupidly beautiful eyes light up when she heard some unfunny joke, and how much those guys and gals she was sitting with were less cool than the swiss alps. Then she'd look up and straight at me, so I'd always have to look to the window, or at the board, or up on the cieling or on the ground.. any direction but at her. I'd avert my eyes, but I know she knew. I could've been aloof to anyone else in that class, but she knew me. She probably knew how I'd start to panic at first, and then try to play it cool. But never cool enough to look back.

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And this time could mean goodbye
Saturday. 7.30.05 1:38 am
" I wish I could carry
Your smile in my heart "

She was smiling so much yesterday.

Two days ago. It's past 1 AM now, but it doesn't feel that way.

She smiled so much though.. when she saw me. I'm glad I had waited til thursday to suprise her, instead of just telling her earlier in the week. SHe had no idea that I was going to come and see her.. she still thought I hated her.

I never hated her. Even when she hurt me, I never hated her. Throughout all the BS, I could never hate her.. I didn't like her for awhile, couldn't stand hearing her voice or knowing she was nearby.. not 'cause I was revulsed as she thought, but because I just couldn't stand the sight of her.

Not with me.

Not needing me, or wanting me close as I did her. When I'd see her in the halls, coming my way, my first thought was to go up to 'er and wrap my arms around the girl. I never did though.. which may have alot to do with why we fell apart..

My second thought, the one that won, was to look at 'er for ahwile and let her look back at me, and then turn around and go the other way. I remember the hurt in her eyes, the way shestarted to come after me til she remembered who she had standing beside 'er. Didn't need me anymore. Had someone new.

She says she didn't replace me. But that image played in my mind many many times even before I realized that she had indeed chose him over me. He was her boyfriend, I was just a friend.

Nah, not just a friend. You hang out with friends on the weekend and see movies and talk about crapola. With us, it wasn't that. I can recall one time that we went out on the weekend with a lot of other people.. i didn't talk to much of any of 'em, barely spoke with her that night. That's how it was alot with me..

I always like one on one goings. Putting all my attention on one person, and having the same in return, and thats what we had for awhile. Before school started each morning, I'd wait for her and we'd walk for awhile, and talk. Though the halls were always crowded with the different people wearing their different stereotypical facades, I was starting to take mine off. It didn't completely come off til she killed my soul, so I guess I do owe her a thank you for that.

I didn't even get to what happend yesterday. Save that for another entry.

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Can't make this deal with the devil since he's o
Saturday. 7.30.05 1:35 am
When I first went to see her, at around seven with Anh, she was working two counters.. the food one, and the one for golf, going back and forth. I stood up against the wall for awhile next to Anh, watching her

" Aw, Jon, she's pretty... we're like, stalking her. "
" .. Hm. "

After that, I went inside and stood in line for the concessiond ealie. When she looked up and saw me, she had this big smile for the lognest time.. but she's always smiling. Someitmes, it's fake.

Sometimes, she's just smiling so people will think she's happy. I'd do the opposite, I'd never smile so people would think I was sad or mad, or something.. now I smile thanks to Samantha, but that's another entry.

I walked up and said hi. She said hi, and smiled at me. Then a customer came up, so I stepped aside.. they left, so I ewnt back to her, and wrapped my hands around her wrists.. well, right above 'em anyway, in the opposite direction of her hands.

I held onto them for the longest time, and stared her in the eye. I tried talking, but I kept forgetting what I wanted to say. I must've told her " I love you.. and.. I .. " three times. Her co-worker was looking at us, and then a line started to form so I let her go, and took a step back. She said she'd be getting of at ten, and to come back then.. so I did.

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Friday. 10.29.04 10:56 pm
After last night, all I wanted to do was sulk like Taylor taught me all those years ago.

I couldn't get much sleep. I doubt she could. I hope she couldn't, which is an oxymoron since hope and her don't belng anywhere near one another. Along with faith, trust, and especially love.

I'm contemplating buying her a tombstone for her birthday since she's dead to me.

Or atleast, she should be.

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I'm the M.A.S, The T.E.R
Thursday. 10.7.04 10:36 pm
A Jee with a double E
I go by the unforgetable name
Of the man they call ' Keith Murrey '

Four day weekend. I'm not sure what I'll do.. but.. I know it own't be school.

School = bleghidybleghidyblah. A-days were once fun.. now they're bleghidybleghidyblah. First period is photojournalism where all we do is take pictues, so that's not too bad. Second period is Newspaper, which was once fun 'cause I used to go off campus and visit other schools and take pictures and stuff.. but lately, the teacher's been getting mean. I don't like her anymore. There are two photographers in her class that period, me and th is other guy, and everyone else = people who signed up to write.. she's real cool with them, but with me and him.. I dunno.

We're cool, but the other folks are dorks so yeah. The teacher reminds me of Santa, so I call her Ms. Clause. She bought like, a big box of candy on tuesday and it was gone on thursday, and all her drawers and cabinents aren't filled with papers to grade, but with bags of doritos. No joke.

Third = US. History. Okies.. then lunch. I go to 2 places, Subway, or walmart for lunch. Subway for the days I'm lifting aftetrschool and walmart for the days I'm not. I don't play football anymore 'cause my doctor told me it was too dangerous 'cause I spent the night at the ER a few weeks ago and something about my colon and blah.. I forget. ANyway, my aspirations ( Hah ) to go pro = gone.

Bdays are hard.. AP english followed by Algebra II followed by CHemistry followed by Spanish 2 followed by me going ho me/ weight room and then onward to Prisionera. Missed it today, most of it anyway, 'cause I was over at Josh's house with a few others playing Def Jam til they went to arby's (Yuck.)

Tomara, I'm taking care of my little sister all day I'm pretty sure, and hopefully, writing in here. I doubt I'll be writing many stories for the news paper 'causeof Ms. Clause, so I need something to write in agane.

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