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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Hemoglobin and the way of things
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I went to go donate blood today, but they rejected me because my hemoglobin count was 12.3, just 0.2 under the required 12.5...

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bummed about this. I guess I can take some iron supplements and try again in a few days, though...

For some reason I've had this slowly increasing fear that everyone around me is suddenly going to stop obeying the laws of traffic. It started when I was in the car with Lucy awhile back (several months ago when we went to a mall). We were going around one of those little loops of road and it occurred to me that the lines weren't keeping us in at all, and it was entirely possible for us to continue in a straight path and crash. This feeling has been lingering in my mind since then.

Laws are there to keep things in order... Of course, realistically, if a majority of people stopped obeying the laws, nothing could be done to stop them, but then chaos would ensue and it's a given that most people prefer stability...

I am wondering what my options for the future are. At some point I guess I should go to one of the counselors at school to discuss transferring and all that.

I'm trying to think of another way to refer to my boyfriend on here. The best I can think of at the moment is MPA (mon petit ami). There aren't really any pet names in this relationship, and I'm certainly not recycling anything from my last one, but it feels repetitive to just say "my boyfriend" over and over again. It's sad that I couldn't come up with a better quick fix than saying the exact same thing in French. (Though abbreviated, of course)

MPA and I have a problem that I'm sure many long distance relationship-ers face... A catch-22 of sorts.

Problem: Not seeing each other enough strains the relationship.
Proposed solution: Move closer.

Problem: The relationship isn't serious enough to warrant moving.
Problem: It can't get serious enough without a move. (Or so we suspect)

There aren't any proposed solutions to that right now that I'm satisfied with, unfortunately. :/

I should probably end this now. I have to write a paper comparing two books, and I'm missing one book. And it's due tomorrow. FUN STUFF.

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Some timing
Sunday, October 10, 2010
I am rather inexplicably pissed off right now. I say "rather inexplicably" because there was something that set it off, but reasonably it should not have.

So... my guess is that I've been hit with some pretty bad PMS. I'm trying not to act on it, but the desire to is pretty strong.

It's kind of funny that the only time I'm motivated to do things is when the things are horrible.

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Vegan I am not
Friday, October 8, 2010
...But that doesn't mean I never try vegan food products.

Although I have avoided Tofurkey since I became a pescetarian, I saw this Tofurkey Pepperoni Pizza in Whole Foods and just could not resist popping it into the shopping cart.

Usually the picture on the box depicts more toppings than you actually get with frozen pizza, so imagine my surprise when the pizza I pulled out was overflowing with bits of veggie pepperoni.

There is literally not a discernible edge crust.

And here it is all cooked up and ready to go:

Those of you who are acquainted with meat substitute products are probably aware of the strange texture that they often have. The Tofurkey pepperoni was not an exception to this rule. I didn't think it was bad, by any means, but it did have that slightly spongy, "this could never pass as something that came from an animal" feel to it when it wasn't sufficiently crisped up by the oven.

The cheese stood up to the box's proud proclamation, at least. It did in fact melt, and felt pretty creamy as I was eating it. So far so good, right? I don't have much experience with vegan cheese substitutes, so I don't know what to expect from them, but this did not taste like real cheese. It was creamy and melty, but there was something lacking. I didn't think it tasted bad either, but hardcore cheese lovers would probably not care for it. Why hardcore cheese lovers would be eating a cheese substitute in the first place is beyond me, but hey, stranger things have happened.

I thought the crust was pretty good. It was kind of overwhelmed by the plethora of toppings, but it wasn't soggy, nor did it dry out in the oven.

Now, I should probably mention that I liberally doused the entire pizza in Tabasco before eating any of it, so that probably influenced my opinion of it. Meat/cheese substitutes often lack in the flavor department or are overladen with salt to pump up the taste. I'm guessing this would've fallen more into the first category without my little add-on.

I would probably get this again if I were vegan and I had a craving for pizza, but it can't compete with the real deal. Pretty decent for what I was expecting, though.

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'Nother one o' those [2P]
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Monday, October 4, 2010
The title makes me laugh. Just that kind of mood.

I took a nap a bit after my boyfriend left and dreamt that I was at school, though, as is typical for my dreams, it did not at all resemble its real life counterpart. I was across campus from my class, so I ran through various corridors and past strangers in prep school outfits to get there. I reached class and sat down perpendicular to this guy with a bit of a beard and moustache. The room was filled with water, and I was wondering how I could breathe, but realized it was okay as long as I didn't think about it. The guy near me proceeded to tell me I had the cutest smile ever... and then he kidnapped me or something, I think.

Alice thought it was creepy. I guess it would seem so to someone else, but I didn't feel threatened or scared in the dream at all. He just seemed like a friendly guy who... really liked... the way I smiled...

Good thing that wasn't real life.

When we went to check out the carnival last night though, my boyfriend said I was cute when I was excited. Maybe that got factored into my dream a bit? Used to be that my dreams didn't seem to have any connections to daily life, but they've been incorporating elements of reality more lately. Somewhat.

Here's a song I cannot find any depressing vibes in...

Seems kind of like a song that should be playing when someone's driving down an empty highway in a convertible during summer.

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Another weekend
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Still no pictures of myself and Monsieur Petit Ami as a couple. X|

I keep thinking that I'll get around to it after I get a new camera or something... Haven't really been looking for one though.

My mom got me some new earbuds as a replacement birthday present... I'm not sure why, since I already have some, but whatever. Not going to complain about a gift like that...

Events of the weekend: nothing in particular.

Nah but for real, we mostly just watched movies (that weren't that great) and stuff. Nothing too exciting. We did go to First Friday downtown and looked at art (and I got a free t-shirt! :D) but that was kind of the biggest thing we did.

Movies watched:
Better Off Dead
Monty Python's The Meaning of Life
A Scanner Darkly

I've seen Better Off Dead before, and like it. He thought it was alright. Desperation was terrible, and really long as well. The Meaning of Life was um... well... I was kind of shocked during some parts. It was a little embarrassing to watch. X| A Scanner Darkly was very confusing, although I thought it was kind of interesting in general, and Pandorum was scary. He liked that one the most though, at least compared to the others. Neither of us had even heard of it before we rented it, yet apparently it came out in 2009... It felt strangely short to me. I get vibes like that from movies a lot though.

Alice came over yesterday to give me a painting she did for my birthday, along with $40 worth of iTunes giftcards. :3 I'll post a picture when I'm feeling less tired...

Now there's two months before I can definitely see him again. :/ I guess it's better than my last relationship, but it's kind of hard to say... At least last time I had school and friends and New York to distract me. Here I have... school and... nothingness. Blah.

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And in passing
Friday, October 1, 2010
1:30 AM. It's so convenient to have that little clock in the corner of the screen, isn't it? Unfortunately, it makes it easy to glance at it every five seconds as I wait for my boyfriend to get here. While typing that sentence I probably looked at least three times.

I keep looking at the calendar, too. Seeing as it no longer September, I turned the page. I'm not thoroughly enthused with my calendar this year, but October has a nice picture. It's a man with a cane and top hat, and there are fat owls flying round his head. He looks rather serious.

Funny how he isn't even here yet and I'm already thinking about what it'll be like when he's gone. We will probably exchange some "miss you"s and "I wish you were here"s, but life will go on as usual otherwise.

I went to the doctor today to get a referral. She asked me if I'd had any thoughts of self harm. "All the time," I thought. But I just said "yeah". It occurred to me to mention that I never do harm myself, no matter how much I may think of it, but she seemed concerned anyway. She told me to go the the hospital immediately the next time I had such thoughts. I found the whole thing quite amusing. What happens if I show up at the hospital and say "I was contemplating banging my head into the wall and laughing hysterically until I collapse on the floor and the laughter turns to uncontrollable sobbing. Wasn't going to do it, but I was told to come here if I thought about it"?

Fun times. (I'm actually in a pretty good mood right now, so don't worry)

She told me I might want to consider taking twenty minute walks a few times a week to decrease stress and relax a bit. Not a bad idea, I guess. I'd have more incentive to start if I had somewhere to go or someone to go with, though.

I don't want to make this entry too long, so I guess I'll do some homework while I wait for him...


If you have time to kill and like Choose Your Own Adventure stories, I've got a link you might like right here:


(I've also added it to the KtB module, under the Webcomics header, although I guess TECHNICALLY it's not really a webcomic...)

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Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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