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the joys of recovery x.x
Tuesday. 5.26.09 2:22 pm
Recovering from a broken heart is not easy. Even if you've been through it once or twice before, you might recover faster, but it's still not an easy process. The person who caused you to have a broken heart will not be affected the same way because it is they who chose the ending/change in your lives. You didn't chose it so it's naturally going to be harder.

Yesterday I had to do something that hurt. It hurt me to talk about it and I did get upset, but it was hurting me more by not saying anything. By not doing anything to change the pain I was going through.

I'd rather have not been through any of this at all, but I'm slowly working on becoming better. And by saying out loud things that bother me and by doing something to change them, I'm becoming a better person. Rather than just shrugging off the pain and getting more and more hurt by simply not doing anything.

I understand that the advice I'm being given to move on and just let go and be happy and blah blah, all means well and is said with sincerity, but they've all been through break-ups. They all know it's not that simple. Everyone wishes it had been that simple and no one wants to see their friend hurting, but everyone knows it's not that simple and that the pain is just a part of it.

He's been saying to me that this year is going to be a good year for us. I just wasn't aware that when he said "us" it would eventually mean "us" in a seperate entity. Not "us" as in terms of being a couple.

Sure, it's going to be a good year. I'm living on my own again. He's living in his first apartment. We're both taking the steps into going back to school. I'm going to find, maybe not entirely, but some form of who I really am.

Right now, though, I'm taking the slow steps in recovering. It's a slow, painful process, but each day is a new day. Some days are harder than others, but it's only because I let it get to me. Sometimes, though, I just need to cry.

Today, is not one of those days. It's just simply a kind of day.

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no control. or very little
Sunday. 5.24.09 10:10 pm
I had to work today. Didn't get paid overtime because we have tomorrow off. I'd rather have gotten paid overtime, but at least this way I'm not losing any regular hours. It was boring and annoying.

Annoying because something felt off the whole day. And it continued to stay that way even once I was home. It still feels a little off, but some of it was resolved/figured out earlier.

I really need to learn how to control my emotions. Something very small got me very pissed off just now. And now I feel bad because I reacted before thinking. Now I just have to learn that once something is in the past, that's it. It's in the past. There is absolutely nothing I can do to go back and change it so all I can do is move on. I can apologize, but not too often because then it'll just be annoying.

So here I sit, biting my tongue, just waiting. Well, moving forward, but in very small steps.

Fuckin' A. It's all bullshit. It's all just whatever. I need a drink. Luckily, that's what I'm about to do.

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another confusing one
Saturday. 5.23.09 1:13 pm
I'm not going to elaborate on the details quite yet, but I need to blog about it.

Today it just got a little harder. Before, I think I know why I was starting to look at the positive side of things, but as of today, it's going to be harder to keep it up.

I can't even talk about it to people because certain ones, if they had that knowledge, it would make things even that much harder. I can only talk about it to two people. And one of them is having some major issues on their own.

Sometimes it's frustrating keeping secrets. But I guess if it keeps from making people's lives a living hell then I guess it's for the best.

I don't know what the future holds, but as of right now? That light at the end of the tunnel just got a little more dim.

I don't know. You think things are going well, or at least a little better and then you hit a snag and it changes again. Life is a pain in the ass sometimes.

All I know is that this situation could either be the best thing that happened to me or the worst. Only time will tell.

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in a way, this is not my day {pessimistic optimism}
Wednesday. 5.20.09 5:11 pm
... Rhyming unintended.

Anywho, today started out with me being more tired than usual, even though I got more sleep than usual. Which might actually be it; I got too much sleep, thus causing me to remain drowsy. Either way, it started out that way.

Then it was busy, again, which is good to pass the time, not good when all you want to do is sit and do nothing.

Then I didn't get to eat lunch with my cohort, but I got a free lunch that the rover bought for me.

After that I was showing my boss pictures of me with my hair down; he decided to insult one of the pictures I actually thought {and still think} looks good. He said I looked like I was 200lbs in the picture, but that I shouldn't be offended because obviously in real life I'm not 200lbs. You figure out that logic.

Once work was finished I stopped at the storage, picked up the two things I intended on bringing home {hangers and my lamp}, but forgot the other thing I meant to pick up {my thumb tacks.}

After that I went in search of a can opener. After stopping at two places, I was finally successful, but I had to pay more than what I was originally intending. The upside is that it's a better quality can opener so I won't have to buy another one for a while.

When I got home, I discovered that I started. Good because it means I'm not pregnant. Not good because the cramps are no fun and I wasn't expecting it until tomorrow.

After being on the computer for a bit, I started getting random pop-ups for anti-virus protection; all claiming that my computer was highly infected and I needed to protect it. Obviously all of these things on their own were viruses and for whatever reason my Norton AntiVirus wasn't protecting me from them. So I had to download a temporary, free virus protection thing. The shitty part was that my computer was infected. The good thing is that the scan and removal didn't take long and now my computer is virus-free again.

I'm not sure why, but almost everything that's happened today, I've been able to see not only the bad, but the good in it as well. Which isn't my norm. I kinda like looking at things this way ...

It's new. It's nice. I need to keep it this way.

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alone day
Monday. 5.18.09 12:16 pm
I have been almost constantly busy {or at least it feels that way} for the last few weeks. I need a day where I do absolutely nothing at all. A day where I don't leave my apartment for any reason {except an emergency} and where I don't actually do more work than fixing myself some food.

I need a day where I don't send out text messages or make phone calls. A day where my blinds and door stay shut. Franki is the only one who doesn't count towards the text message thing because she's in on the alone day. I can text her and it won't count against me. Anyone else though? It counts against me. She doesn't think I can go the whole day. I've done it before; it just doesn't happen often.

I'm finally coming to the realization that, at least for now, our relationship really is done. Who knows what the future will bring. But if it brings us back together, well, then that's for the future to tell. Right now, though, it's not happening. And I need to move on.

I'm not going to cut myself off completely from Jacob. He still means quite a bit to me and I care about him. But I need to finally focus my mind on me. I need to stop thinking about whether my actions will affect him or not. I doubt he's thinking that way. It's probably going to still take some time for the transition to fully take place and who knows, maybe it won't take long at all. Or it could just not fully happen. Either way, it's time for me.

Today is a part of that. I don't really feel like talking to anyone or going anywhere today, hence the shutting myself in for the day. I'm doing it for me and only me.

Tomorrow I'm going to make some plans. I don't want to work in retail again, but Big Lots is hiring for part time and that's what I need. I've already worked there, I know what to do and I'm pretty sure I'm rehireable. So I'm considering stopping by there after work to talk to the manager.

I also need to go into the storage unit to get my floor lamp and my hangers. I'm going to go through some of my other stuff, too just to see if there's anything I want to bring back to my apartment. That will either take place tomorrow or Wednesday depending on how I feel after work tomorrow.

Alright, that's it.

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Saturday. 5.16.09 12:04 am
I am officially living on my own again. It's not in the best part of town, but that's where all the cheaper apartments are. I can barely afford this as is, but I'm going to manage somehow.

It's a lot smaller than the one I had in Tucson, but it's only for me and I really didn't have that much stuff to begin with. I've gotten most of what I brought over today unpacked, but I still have the rest to do. Basically the dishes. I don't know why I bought so many different kinds of pots and pans. I'm not a cook. I do need to see about purchasing a microwave. I'm okay not having a dishwasher. I need a microwave.

It's a quaint little place. I'd prefer the one bedroom because it's bigger and just simply to have a seperate bedroom from the rest of the apartment. Unfortunately I can only afford the studio so I stick with the one open room that morphs into the kitchen area.

I'm glad to be away from Jake's mom, though. It's amazing how much hate can come from one person. Even when you do everything that is asked/told, they will still find a reason to be pissed at you. I thought I was leaving on okay terms. I'm not going so far as to say I left on good terms. Due to the break-up and her son leaving kind of ruined that. But I didn't think she'd be that pissed. Whatever. That's why I'm here now instead of still there.

I have more stuff to say, but I'm hella tired. I've been up for almost 24 hours and I've been working and moving nearly non-stop since I got up. As soon as I finish my Volcano Burrito {from Taco Bell} I'm going to hit the sack.

Hopefully my hiatus won't be too much longer.

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