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The weather
A constant state of being.
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
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Tuesday. 6.2.09 1:03 pm
At the moment, I'm texting 3 people, fixing myself something to eat and writing a blog. Multi-tasking, it's fun stuff.

Yesterday and today at work it was busy. Not quite as busy for us security as it was for the warehouse workers {they worked 12 hours yesterday; we only worked our 8} but still. Between yesterday and today I spent close to 16 hours on my feet. Between standing by the docks and walking drivers to and from the docks, my feet and legs are a little sore.

If the rest of the week continues this way, it'll be good to pass the time quickly, but I'm going to have to give in and soak in a bath to soothe my sore muscles.

~~ Add washing dishes to the multi-task list ~~

I guess the role has been reversed for this week. Last week work wasn't very busy, but my home life was packed. This week work is busy, but I haven't been doing anything else. I don't really have enough gas in my car to do much. I just put my last $10 in my gas tank, which got me a whole 4 gallons of gas, so that I would be able to get to and from work until payday.

Next month I should actually be able to save up some money; we get three paychecks in July. I'll have to see what I can do about my bills and suck for this month though. Rent has already been taken care of. My car and insurance have to come out of this paycheck, as well as a few of the smaller charges. My next one, though, has to go towards my cell phone, rent again and the u-haul.

Other than work, not much is going on. I don't have any kind of exciting stories to write about, nor some weird events that are currently happening. So I guess I'll just go back to finishing the dishes.

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thinking ...
Monday. 6.1.09 5:40 pm
I've been thinking just now, about why I'm okay with where Jake and I are at right now. And I've come to the conclusion that it's because he's choosing to still stay around. He's still here in my life.

If he were to suddenly go, or even warn me that he was going or that he didn't want to be involved in my life anymore, I'd be torn to pieces again. Even moreso than when we broke up because even when we broke up, he said he was still going to be there for me. He was going to be a friend.

I'm also torn right now because I'm letting a dream get to me. I'm trying to figure out what it means, if anything. {I'm still undecided as to whether I believe dreams mean anything or nothing}

I've had two in the last two weeks that both revolve around the same context, the same person, but the events that happened in the two dreams were different. The feeling it gave me was the same, though.

In my dream, I enjoyed being with this person. I liked the feeling of comfort that being around him and having him hold me, gave me. The dreams, in essence, made me feel happy. But when I woke up, my conscious self wasn't sure I liked the comfort my subconscious gave me. I don't feel as if I should like the fact that the dreams made me happy.

I've narrowed it down to two possibilities causing the discomfort. One, I'm unhappy that I'm dreaming about being happy with someone other than Jacob. Or two, I'm unhappy simply because of who the person is that I'm dreaming about.

I guess the unfortunate side effect to allowing this dream to remain known in my conscious self is that I have to face the confused feeling every day. I don't know how to act around him. {yes, I see him on a regular basis} I guess I'm not acting any different, to my knowledge, but who knows what other people see and think.

Perfect example: today, I was told by more than one person that I looked different; that I looked more awake and happy. I didn't think I looked any different than the usual tired that I am. So looks can be interpretted differently depending on the person seeing it.

I asked the guy today what he thought dreams meant. I sort of explained the feeling the dreams gave me and he told me dreams were a sign. That I shouldn't need more than two to prove it's a sign. I doubt he'd still feel the same if he knew the dreams were about him ...

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the start of another week
Sunday. 5.31.09 1o:31 am
I have no plans for today. I think after the busy week I just finished, doing nothing but relaxing is a good way to start out the new week. I might get bored really quickly, but it just comes with the territory of doing nothing.

I slept fairly decently last night. I was so tired when I finally layed down I don't think it took long for me to be unconscious. But I still feel like I could sleep so I might do that in a little bit. I'll let my cereal that I just ate digest a little bit before dozing off.

Being broke sucks. Being broke beyond broke is even worse. Being in debt is the worst of all, but I'm not quite there yet. I would be, though, if I didn't have overdraft protection on my checking account.

I've had the overdraft protection kick in twice now, in the last week. Sadly, the things I'm buying aren't necessary. I could have lived without that shake from Ben & Jerry's yesterday. I also could have lived without going to the Art 'N' Ink Festival yesterday as well.

I don't even remember what had caused me to be overdraft the first time this past week. I think it was a bill so that was legitimate. I can't not pay my bills.

Unfortunately my car insurance rate went up $12 because I moved into a not-so-good part of town. That's the advantage to living in a nicer area: lower car insurance. Not sure why they base your car insurance on what zip code you live in, but they do. It's annoying.

I really wish I could get enough money to pay off my credit card. Just give them one final payment of the total amount due. But where the hell am I supposed to get $3100? Sure, I could gamble and pray for a jackpot, but I can't risk any of the money I have on something that's not a sure thing. Oh well.

Alright, I think I'm gonna go take a nap. Screw letting my food digest properly. It's not like I planned on doing any kind of exercise to help it along.

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over the last week
Saturday. 5.30.09 10:58 pm
~ Warning: it's a long entry. ~

Damn, I've been busy this week. I spent one complete day in the apartment. It was the first day in a while that I didn't leave to do anything. It was nice, but boring. 'Twas to be expected though.

Sunday I worked in the morning {7am-3pm} and then came home, napped for a couple hours then met up with everyone at the South Point at 11pm to go bowling. Since I had Monday off I could actually drink and stay for the whole time. I took advantage. I had three screwdivers and two shots of Jagermeister. That's one of those alcohols that people either love or hate. If you like black licorice, you'll like Jager. If you don't like black licorice, stay away from Jager. It was the first time I had it and it's what got me drunk.

We bowled two games and spent the rest of the time just hanging out, soberring up so that we could all drive home. We didn't leave the casino until 5 in the morning so I didn't get home until 5:30am. Had something to eat cuz I was starving and then crashed. Unfortunately I was only able to sleep for 3 hours.

I got up ... and did something. I just drew a blank on what I did Monday. Huh. Apparently it wasn't that important or exciting. Either way, I was glad I had Monday off.

Working Tuesday felt like Monday, but it was good because when that day was over, the next day was Wednesday.

I stayed up 24 hours two days in a row with 4 hours of sleep inbetween. Yeah, that was fun. And I was busy both days.

For whatever reason I woke up Wednesday night at 9pm and felt wide awake. So I started texting people and I got on the computer. At 11:30pm, I decided to try and nap for a couple hours before my alarm went off, but I did nothing more than doze for 15 minutes here and there. After work Thursday, I hung out with my sister and by the time I dropped her off at home and got back here and into bed, it was 9pm.

Slept for about 4 hours; my alarm went off at 2am {I know from 9 to 2 it's 5 hours, but I was up at 1 for whatever reason} and I didn't get back to bed the next night until 3am.

Friday was busy too. I had hiking in the morning and hanging out to bake a cake in evening. I actually didn't get home from baking the cake until midnight and then I hung out and watched a movie until almost 3am.

I was so glad I didn't have to work today, but once I got up, I was out and about again. Today was my sister's birthday and because she lucked out and didn't have to work, I hung with her for a while. After that I met up with a friend and we went to the Art N Ink festival.

That wasn't what we were expecting. It wasn't exactly disappointing, but I was bummed. It was basically for people who were either getting inked or were looking for ideas on ink. We weren't benefitting from either.

After that we headed over to the Outlet Mall cuz I had never been there and neither of us wanted to go home yet. I liked the walk. It killed a good couple hours. I'm insanely broke so I couldn't buy anything, but it was still fun enough.

Now I'm back home and I'm writing up a shortened version of a week's worth of events.

I'm also hella tired so I'm ending this here.

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the joys of recovery x.x
Tuesday. 5.26.09 2:22 pm
Recovering from a broken heart is not easy. Even if you've been through it once or twice before, you might recover faster, but it's still not an easy process. The person who caused you to have a broken heart will not be affected the same way because it is they who chose the ending/change in your lives. You didn't chose it so it's naturally going to be harder.

Yesterday I had to do something that hurt. It hurt me to talk about it and I did get upset, but it was hurting me more by not saying anything. By not doing anything to change the pain I was going through.

I'd rather have not been through any of this at all, but I'm slowly working on becoming better. And by saying out loud things that bother me and by doing something to change them, I'm becoming a better person. Rather than just shrugging off the pain and getting more and more hurt by simply not doing anything.

I understand that the advice I'm being given to move on and just let go and be happy and blah blah, all means well and is said with sincerity, but they've all been through break-ups. They all know it's not that simple. Everyone wishes it had been that simple and no one wants to see their friend hurting, but everyone knows it's not that simple and that the pain is just a part of it.

He's been saying to me that this year is going to be a good year for us. I just wasn't aware that when he said "us" it would eventually mean "us" in a seperate entity. Not "us" as in terms of being a couple.

Sure, it's going to be a good year. I'm living on my own again. He's living in his first apartment. We're both taking the steps into going back to school. I'm going to find, maybe not entirely, but some form of who I really am.

Right now, though, I'm taking the slow steps in recovering. It's a slow, painful process, but each day is a new day. Some days are harder than others, but it's only because I let it get to me. Sometimes, though, I just need to cry.

Today, is not one of those days. It's just simply a kind of day.

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no control. or very little
Sunday. 5.24.09 10:10 pm
I had to work today. Didn't get paid overtime because we have tomorrow off. I'd rather have gotten paid overtime, but at least this way I'm not losing any regular hours. It was boring and annoying.

Annoying because something felt off the whole day. And it continued to stay that way even once I was home. It still feels a little off, but some of it was resolved/figured out earlier.

I really need to learn how to control my emotions. Something very small got me very pissed off just now. And now I feel bad because I reacted before thinking. Now I just have to learn that once something is in the past, that's it. It's in the past. There is absolutely nothing I can do to go back and change it so all I can do is move on. I can apologize, but not too often because then it'll just be annoying.

So here I sit, biting my tongue, just waiting. Well, moving forward, but in very small steps.

Fuckin' A. It's all bullshit. It's all just whatever. I need a drink. Luckily, that's what I'm about to do.

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