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another confusing one
Saturday. 5.23.09 1:13 pm
I'm not going to elaborate on the details quite yet, but I need to blog about it.

Today it just got a little harder. Before, I think I know why I was starting to look at the positive side of things, but as of today, it's going to be harder to keep it up.

I can't even talk about it to people because certain ones, if they had that knowledge, it would make things even that much harder. I can only talk about it to two people. And one of them is having some major issues on their own.

Sometimes it's frustrating keeping secrets. But I guess if it keeps from making people's lives a living hell then I guess it's for the best.

I don't know what the future holds, but as of right now? That light at the end of the tunnel just got a little more dim.

I don't know. You think things are going well, or at least a little better and then you hit a snag and it changes again. Life is a pain in the ass sometimes.

All I know is that this situation could either be the best thing that happened to me or the worst. Only time will tell.

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in a way, this is not my day {pessimistic optimism}
Wednesday. 5.20.09 5:11 pm
... Rhyming unintended.

Anywho, today started out with me being more tired than usual, even though I got more sleep than usual. Which might actually be it; I got too much sleep, thus causing me to remain drowsy. Either way, it started out that way.

Then it was busy, again, which is good to pass the time, not good when all you want to do is sit and do nothing.

Then I didn't get to eat lunch with my cohort, but I got a free lunch that the rover bought for me.

After that I was showing my boss pictures of me with my hair down; he decided to insult one of the pictures I actually thought {and still think} looks good. He said I looked like I was 200lbs in the picture, but that I shouldn't be offended because obviously in real life I'm not 200lbs. You figure out that logic.

Once work was finished I stopped at the storage, picked up the two things I intended on bringing home {hangers and my lamp}, but forgot the other thing I meant to pick up {my thumb tacks.}

After that I went in search of a can opener. After stopping at two places, I was finally successful, but I had to pay more than what I was originally intending. The upside is that it's a better quality can opener so I won't have to buy another one for a while.

When I got home, I discovered that I started. Good because it means I'm not pregnant. Not good because the cramps are no fun and I wasn't expecting it until tomorrow.

After being on the computer for a bit, I started getting random pop-ups for anti-virus protection; all claiming that my computer was highly infected and I needed to protect it. Obviously all of these things on their own were viruses and for whatever reason my Norton AntiVirus wasn't protecting me from them. So I had to download a temporary, free virus protection thing. The shitty part was that my computer was infected. The good thing is that the scan and removal didn't take long and now my computer is virus-free again.

I'm not sure why, but almost everything that's happened today, I've been able to see not only the bad, but the good in it as well. Which isn't my norm. I kinda like looking at things this way ...

It's new. It's nice. I need to keep it this way.

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alone day
Monday. 5.18.09 12:16 pm
I have been almost constantly busy {or at least it feels that way} for the last few weeks. I need a day where I do absolutely nothing at all. A day where I don't leave my apartment for any reason {except an emergency} and where I don't actually do more work than fixing myself some food.

I need a day where I don't send out text messages or make phone calls. A day where my blinds and door stay shut. Franki is the only one who doesn't count towards the text message thing because she's in on the alone day. I can text her and it won't count against me. Anyone else though? It counts against me. She doesn't think I can go the whole day. I've done it before; it just doesn't happen often.

I'm finally coming to the realization that, at least for now, our relationship really is done. Who knows what the future will bring. But if it brings us back together, well, then that's for the future to tell. Right now, though, it's not happening. And I need to move on.

I'm not going to cut myself off completely from Jacob. He still means quite a bit to me and I care about him. But I need to finally focus my mind on me. I need to stop thinking about whether my actions will affect him or not. I doubt he's thinking that way. It's probably going to still take some time for the transition to fully take place and who knows, maybe it won't take long at all. Or it could just not fully happen. Either way, it's time for me.

Today is a part of that. I don't really feel like talking to anyone or going anywhere today, hence the shutting myself in for the day. I'm doing it for me and only me.

Tomorrow I'm going to make some plans. I don't want to work in retail again, but Big Lots is hiring for part time and that's what I need. I've already worked there, I know what to do and I'm pretty sure I'm rehireable. So I'm considering stopping by there after work to talk to the manager.

I also need to go into the storage unit to get my floor lamp and my hangers. I'm going to go through some of my other stuff, too just to see if there's anything I want to bring back to my apartment. That will either take place tomorrow or Wednesday depending on how I feel after work tomorrow.

Alright, that's it.

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update
Saturday. 5.16.09 12:04 am
I am officially living on my own again. It's not in the best part of town, but that's where all the cheaper apartments are. I can barely afford this as is, but I'm going to manage somehow.

It's a lot smaller than the one I had in Tucson, but it's only for me and I really didn't have that much stuff to begin with. I've gotten most of what I brought over today unpacked, but I still have the rest to do. Basically the dishes. I don't know why I bought so many different kinds of pots and pans. I'm not a cook. I do need to see about purchasing a microwave. I'm okay not having a dishwasher. I need a microwave.

It's a quaint little place. I'd prefer the one bedroom because it's bigger and just simply to have a seperate bedroom from the rest of the apartment. Unfortunately I can only afford the studio so I stick with the one open room that morphs into the kitchen area.

I'm glad to be away from Jake's mom, though. It's amazing how much hate can come from one person. Even when you do everything that is asked/told, they will still find a reason to be pissed at you. I thought I was leaving on okay terms. I'm not going so far as to say I left on good terms. Due to the break-up and her son leaving kind of ruined that. But I didn't think she'd be that pissed. Whatever. That's why I'm here now instead of still there.

I have more stuff to say, but I'm hella tired. I've been up for almost 24 hours and I've been working and moving nearly non-stop since I got up. As soon as I finish my Volcano Burrito {from Taco Bell} I'm going to hit the sack.

Hopefully my hiatus won't be too much longer.

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part 1 of a long entry to come
Monday. 5.11.09 3:31 pm
Here's the short story as to what's been going on.

Jacob and I are taking a break. We don't have the titles "boyfriend and girlfriend" anymore, but we still see each other, hang out, talk, etc. He left the house a week from yesterday and the same day I was given 30 days to evict the house.

His mom seems to think that with us not dating anymore, he won't come back to even visit while I'm still here. So she's making me leave. Even though in the last week, he's been here to see her twice or three times, but whatever. It's long past due time for me to leave anyway.

I've found an apartment. I'll be moving in on Friday. It's not very big ... I'm sure in two or three pictures I'll be able to get the whole apartment, but it's cheap and it's what I need for just me.

I'm still hurting; it has only been just a week since all this happened. But with time, things will get better.

Either part of the reason or the whole reason we're seperated is so that we can find out who we are. We both need to get our lives in order on our own time before we can have a life together. I still want the relationship to work and he's told me the same thing, but I need to find out who I am and what I want to do with myself before it can work. He's doing the same thing.

Only time will tell where this is all going to end up.

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extended hiatus
Sunday. 5.3.09 5:34 pm
It appears my hiatus will last longer than expected.

Some things have come up, rather suddenly, and I need to figure them out before I can come back here.

Let's just say it's not looking good right now.

I don't want to talk about it either.

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