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The title makes me laugh. Just that kind of mood.

I took a nap a bit after my boyfriend left and dreamt that I was at school, though, as is typical for my dreams, it did not at all resemble its real life counterpart. I was across campus from my class, so I ran through various corridors and past strangers in prep school outfits to get there. I reached class and sat down perpendicular to this guy with a bit of a beard and moustache. The room was filled with water, and I was wondering how I could breathe, but realized it was okay as long as I didn't think about it. The guy near me proceeded to tell me I had the cutest smile ever... and then he kidnapped me or something, I think.

Alice thought it was creepy. I guess it would seem so to someone else, but I didn't feel threatened or scared in the dream at all. He just seemed like a friendly guy who... really liked... the way I smiled...

Good thing that wasn't real life.

When we went to check out the carnival last night though, my boyfriend said I was cute when I was excited. Maybe that got factored into my dream a bit? Used to be that my dreams didn't seem to have any connections to daily life, but they've been incorporating elements of reality more lately. Somewhat.

Here's a song I cannot find any depressing vibes in...

Seems kind of like a song that should be playing when someone's driving down an empty highway in a convertible during summer.

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Still no pictures of myself and Monsieur Petit Ami as a couple. X|

I keep thinking that I'll get around to it after I get a new camera or something... Haven't really been looking for one though.

My mom got me some new earbuds as a replacement birthday present... I'm not sure why, since I already have some, but whatever. Not going to complain about a gift like that...

Events of the weekend: nothing in particular.

Nah but for real, we mostly just watched movies (that weren't that great) and stuff. Nothing too exciting. We did go to First Friday downtown and looked at art (and I got a free t-shirt! :D) but that was kind of the biggest thing we did.

Movies watched:
Better Off Dead
Desperation
Monty Python's The Meaning of Life
A Scanner Darkly
Pandorum

I've seen Better Off Dead before, and like it. He thought it was alright. Desperation was terrible, and really long as well. The Meaning of Life was um... well... I was kind of shocked during some parts. It was a little embarrassing to watch. X| A Scanner Darkly was very confusing, although I thought it was kind of interesting in general, and Pandorum was scary. He liked that one the most though, at least compared to the others. Neither of us had even heard of it before we rented it, yet apparently it came out in 2009... It felt strangely short to me. I get vibes like that from movies a lot though.

Alice came over yesterday to give me a painting she did for my birthday, along with $40 worth of iTunes giftcards. :3 I'll post a picture when I'm feeling less tired...

Now there's two months before I can definitely see him again. :/ I guess it's better than my last relationship, but it's kind of hard to say... At least last time I had school and friends and New York to distract me. Here I have... school and... nothingness. Blah.

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1:30 AM. It's so convenient to have that little clock in the corner of the screen, isn't it? Unfortunately, it makes it easy to glance at it every five seconds as I wait for my boyfriend to get here. While typing that sentence I probably looked at least three times.

I keep looking at the calendar, too. Seeing as it no longer September, I turned the page. I'm not thoroughly enthused with my calendar this year, but October has a nice picture. It's a man with a cane and top hat, and there are fat owls flying round his head. He looks rather serious.

Funny how he isn't even here yet and I'm already thinking about what it'll be like when he's gone. We will probably exchange some "miss you"s and "I wish you were here"s, but life will go on as usual otherwise.

I went to the doctor today to get a referral. She asked me if I'd had any thoughts of self harm. "All the time," I thought. But I just said "yeah". It occurred to me to mention that I never do harm myself, no matter how much I may think of it, but she seemed concerned anyway. She told me to go the the hospital immediately the next time I had such thoughts. I found the whole thing quite amusing. What happens if I show up at the hospital and say "I was contemplating banging my head into the wall and laughing hysterically until I collapse on the floor and the laughter turns to uncontrollable sobbing. Wasn't going to do it, but I was told to come here if I thought about it"?

Fun times. (I'm actually in a pretty good mood right now, so don't worry)

She told me I might want to consider taking twenty minute walks a few times a week to decrease stress and relax a bit. Not a bad idea, I guess. I'd have more incentive to start if I had somewhere to go or someone to go with, though.

I don't want to make this entry too long, so I guess I'll do some homework while I wait for him...

---Edit---

If you have time to kill and like Choose Your Own Adventure stories, I've got a link you might like right here:

CLICKIES

(I've also added it to the KtB module, under the Webcomics header, although I guess TECHNICALLY it's not really a webcomic...)

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It's kind of funny how suicide notes and breakup speeches can be so similar.

"You're better off without me..."
"I'm sorry, but I didn't know what else to do..."
"It's better this way..."
"I just can't take this anymore..."

Even the cliché "it's not you, it's me" works.

Ha.

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I typically try to avoid lyrics as titles on Nutang but sometimes things just work...

(Title from "Heartbeats" by The Knife, by the way)


I like my Children's Lit class, but it's reviving that old feeling of incompetence within me. We were discussing Little Red Riding Hood and everyone was talking about the sexual themes in it. The professor said "if you didn't notice that, you need to read it again."

Silly me, thinking that maybe it was a more innocent time, and climbing into bed with grandma was socially acceptable. :/

One guy in particular mentioned "the red cape being an obvious metaphor for a hymen." Yeah... I didn't pick up on that, either. Blah.

I'm having friendship conflicts again. This seems to happen every few days now. It doesn't help that paranoia is driving me insane. Everything feels like lies. I feel like I'm being lied to and lying myself. It's not gotten to the point where I'm questioning my existence again, but that doesn't seem too far off. My perceived reality is distorted enough as is... I don't need to be getting impractically philosophical and randomly freaking out because I suddenly wonder if I've ever existed outside of the present.

So many things are just wrong...


Paddy on the railway, picking up stones,
Along came an engine and broke Paddy's nose,
Oh, says Paddy, that's not fair,
Oh, says the engine, I don't care

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So yesterday night I went to talk to my mom about something, and she said "your neck looks fat. I think you might have a thyroid problem, and that's what's causing your depression."

Uh what.

Well let's see...

OMG SHE'S RIGHT.

Oh wait, that's not me. Okay, well I guess it's just an unsolved case then.

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