Stars

by Sara Teasdale

Alone in the night
On a dark hill
With pines around me
Spicy and still,

And a heaven full of stars
Over my head,
White and topaz
And misty red;

Myriads with beating
Hearts of fire
That aeons
Cannot vex or tire;

Up the dome of heaven
Like a great hill,
I watch them marching
Stately and still,
And I know that I
Am honored to be
Witness
Of so much majesty.

---

She's wondering why I care more about her than she does.

Well...

Why wouldn't I?

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I was looking through a forum for INFPs yesterday night. Apparently all the girls pretty much idealize the type as like... woodland elves/fairies.

Oh man, reading that was just... weird. I mean, I completely understand (being an INFP and all that...), but it was just embarrassing to see it laid out like that.

Well um, moving on...

My mom got me a new journal! It's black and white on the outside and green on the inside cover... I'd take a picture to show you but I can't transfer files to this computer.

It would be really nice if I had my current journal with me though, since I haven't filled it up yet. I hate having forgotten it at home. :/

Too tired to think about much except for events and such and whatever automatically goes through my head. (Death and all that) Bleh. Well, boring entry, sorry.

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Sometimes I get woken up by something, or just wake up on my own, and don't want to be up yet, so I go back to sleep. Often during that shorter sleep period I have fairly vivid dreams.

I dreamt I was in New York, except it really wasn't New York at all but for the name. I was with a friend, and we went to Spencer's to look for something, and I realized that I was eighteen and was excitedly telling her that even though I didn't want to, I could totally go into the adult section now. The store itself kinda looked like they replaced most of it with a Victoria's Secret. The walls were pink and somewhat bare, with a few mannequins sporting lingerie lined up against them.

We left Spencer's and walked to some building, where a man gave me a bunch of envelopes to hold. Just then my ex texted me and sent me a weird video about some asian guy who couldn't get laid because he forgot to touch this girl's boobs. X| Apparently the video went viral... offline? I sort of heard what I was supposed to do with the envelopes but after I started walking I completely forgot.

People kept running up to me asking if I had straw wrappers, since that was how you could get the video... They tried to take my envelopes because they thought I had them. I don't actually know what was in the envelopes, but I don't think that's what it was.

I walked several blocks and realized I was supposed to be looking for the Government Mortgage Bureau (which I'm pretty sure doesn't exist in real life). I kept walking and couldn't find it, although I did find the government's Alternative Spending Habits Bureau and another one that had signs stuck into the lawn that said "DETEST NOT". People were protesting outside, but I got the impression that the employees from the bureau had put that one up.

There was a giant slingshot set up that was supposed to be set on fire a little ways down on the grass. I walked past, glanced at it, then kept going. There was a bunch of girls in bikinis a bit of a ways down who could have been strippers, because they were just finishing putting their bikinis on when I passed them.

I had to find the Mortgage Bureau, so I couldn't really stop to look at anything I passed. My brother caught up with me though when I was going by some shops, so I thought I would ask him if he knew where it was. He was wearing a bright red shirt and told me there were mortgage places all over, and that he'd gladly pay for me. I got the impression that he desperately wanted me to go away.

Just then, I heard a guy say "who cares if a pelican burns? I'm just gonna miss the naked girls!" I figured he was talking about what I'd walked past not long ago. His comment really upset me though, so I went over to him, said "excuse me?" and then grabbed the front of his shirt collar and started lecturing him. I told him I couldn't believe he would not mind an animal DYING because of NAKED girls. Jabbed my finger into his neck and pushed so the nail would leave an indent, and then called him an asshole.

I went back to my brother, who was crouched down with his hands over his head. I guess he thought the guy would get his friends and come after us to hurt us or something. I told him to stop being stupid though and pulled him onward. We passed part of my elementary school, which was empty, and I kept thinking about the Mortgage Bureau, but then I woke up.

...That turned out to be longer than I thought...

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That it helps. I guess that's all I can hope for.

I try to suggest the things that have helped me, but this is a process she mostly has to go through herself. Only so much can be taught. The rest needs to be discovered.

Just relax. Breathe deeply. Close your eyes and empty your mind.

We can get through this as long as you don't give up.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Desperately wanting to help--

--and not having the power to--

--is a painful thing indeed.

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I haven't slept in a while. More than twenty four hours I think. I mean, I fell asleep for brief periods of time on the plane, and I sort of dozed off when I was waiting for AIM to install on this computer (I'm in Hawaii by the way), but I didn't really have any solid sleep.

So uh, I was in the bathroom washing my hands, and I look over at the door, and I swear, it was moving. Like, breathing moving. I paused to make sure I wasn't imagining it, and it kept going.

Also if I look at any one thing too long it starts sinking and getting distorted, but if I look away and back it's normal again.

Trippy, man. And it looks like my monitor is slipping backwards, even though I'm pretty sure it's not. This lampshade I think is moving in reality but it's kind of hard to tell because right now I'm seriously starting to doubt... oh, every inanimate object in my sight.

I gotta sleep. X|

---Edit---

Maybe four hour long phone conversation with someone. Huh.

Scratch that, it was five and a half.

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Once upon a time, a woman was picking up firewood. She came upon a poisonous snake frozen in the snow. She took the snake home and nursed it back to health. One day the snake bit her on the cheek. As she lay dying, she asked the snake, "Why have you done this to me?" And the snake answered, "Look, bitch, you knew I was a snake."

If you've seen Natural Born Killers, you'll recognize that quote. If not... well, it's kind of amusing anyway.

Yeah, so I watched that last night. It was very interesting, I must say. Not in a bad way at all.

Also met somebody interesting... It's very confusing for me to know someone thinks the way I do. I mean, I'm sure there are disparities I've yet to uncover, but as of yet... there's not much. :S More on this later?

Oh, also, I bought the first dress I've ever gotten that isn't for an event of any sort. It's pretty simple; just a t-shirt dress from American Apparel, but I like it.

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