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Memores acti prudentes futuri

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A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Passive Aggressive Notes
Monday, January 10, 2011
The background details are fuzzy, but I believe my mother had business with his. We two were left to discover awkward conversation with one another. With the resigned, somewhat sheepish air of people who weren't kids anymore, but who were still excluded from the privies of adulthood, we exchanged looks and began to walk together.

The sun was setting as we began our trek. It didn't seem like we really had time to hike the whole trail, but there was nothing else for us to do. We made small talk, making no real allusions to our past friendship, but catching up on the changes of the years. He looked the same as I remembered from all that time ago, but he discussed significant differences in his life with me.

He had grown taller, he said. I nodded in interest, and pretended I had not heard it already. He also related to me that he had discovered himself as a woman. The transformation had taken place since our long gone friendship, and it had been a subtle awakening within him. I could visualize him staring into a mirror on a brick wall in some high end apartment, slowly contemplating it. I saw pink flowers on an end table in the corner.

As he told me of his change, two men approached us. They were broad and dark, with savage mouths and cruel eyes. We did not know what they wanted, but it seemed to entail something bad for us. I was afraid.

They began to brutalize D, and my fear caught in my throat and I couldn't scream.

He wasn't a person anymore. He was bits and pieces of things in a blue bucket of dark red liquid. It wasn't quite blood... it had the consistency of water. I was panicked. He needed to go to a hospital... maybe there was still hope... but the men were after me, and I had to get away.

I climbed up a steep dirt hill, and they pursued me at a leisurely pace. They wanted from me... nothing that could cause damage, exactly, but I didn't think I could give it. It wasn't the right time. They called for me to give it to them, but I was worried and hesitant. I tried, but it wasn't right. I didn't have it anymore.


There was a mountain of stitched-together animal hides stretched over some hidden frame. It was green and white and brown, meant to match the colors of nature. Thousands, possibly millions, of people trudged down the street to the side of it. It was a pilgrimage to places we all hoped were safer, or untouched by the painful chaos we were fleeing. There were people on the other side of the road, and they told us that they were escaping New York. As I climbed the hides, I hoped I would not be following them soon.


I'm imagining the mouth of a glass bottle in my mouth, its metal cap against my teeth.
I'm imagining the cap grinding on my molars.
I'm imagining pain, and sharpness, and the tang of metal.
The wet feeling of blood on my tongue, on my teeth, painting the insides of my cheeks.

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Thursday, January 6, 2011
This has not been the best of Thursdays. :(

Poetry was fine, no issues there. We talked about two poems the entire time, but it was interesting enough.

Critical Consciousness - Social Action... blah... Firstly, I went into the room and managed to grab a seat in the front before about twelve more people came in, ten of which had to sit in the floor. These people made announcements about their various volunteer opportunities for half an hour, and the professor kept saying things like "if you were here on Tuesday"...

Tuesday? What? I thought this class was Thursday only?

Oh, nope, it's a Tuesday/Thursday class. Which meant... CRAP, I MISSED THE FIRST CLASS.

That did not matter so much because I ended up dropping it, but then...

Tonight, I had my first class meeting for The Greek Achievement... or so I thought. There was some weird business with the scheduling, so it got moved to another room at a later time. I had the wrong location in my phone, but thankfully not the wrong time.

I went to the room, and... whoops, looks like I missed the first class for this one, too. :/ Stupid registration day abbreviations... I misread TR as just Thursday twice, and it didn't completely screw me over, but it caused me a bit of stress.

Okay I have to do the assignment I missed by not attending class before, so I will wrap this up here.

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A mystery
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I'm standing next to the dining table, talking to my parents. Suddenly I hear flapping.

I turn toward the hallway and see Cici sitting there, looking at us. Huh?

We look at her looking at us. She looks tiny next to my brother's hamper.

I walk over and scoop her up. "How did you get out here?" I ask. "I don't remember opening the cage," I tell my parents.

My room is dark as I transport her back to the cage. "Be careful where you step," my dad calls from the kitchen. "Don't want to trample any budgies."

When I turn on the light, I can see that the cage is, indeed, closed. There are no spaces big enough for her to squeeze through, and I've never known her to try opening the doors before. Somewhat baffled, I place her on the top of the cage and open it up so that she can go back in when she wants. She just sits there and fluffs up.

Budgies aren't supposed to stay fluffed up unless they're sick or cold. I'm hoping it's the latter and not the former...

Anyway, I still have no idea how she got out. I know they can learn to escape (Ducky developed an interest in doing so before she died), but Cici seems to like being in the cage, so it's a bit confusing for me.

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I think I could have enjoyed this day
Monday, January 3, 2011
But due to several problems associated with not sleeping and my being a lazy, out-of-shape fatty, I didn't really.

First off, I really didn't exercise during winter break. Well okay, I mean, I didn't exercise ENOUGH. Biking to school today was... not the most pleasant of experiences. I didn't quite have the "Fat Girls on Bicycles" experience, but it was a bit harder than I expected.

I started my day by waking up in the middle of the night and basically having a panic attack because my arm got pinned under my body while I was sleeping, and for some reason I become extremely delusional when I suddenly wake up at such times. (Remember when I woke up a few months ago and freaked out because I thought my nonexistent wedding rings had fallen off my hands?) Anyway, I started shaking my arm around to get circulation flowing because I thought that if it was numb too long, there would be permanent damage and I would lose it... or something like that. It didn't help that it hurt.

I have no idea what time that happened because I was too busy trying desperately to save myself from having to amputate a limb to look at the clock.

In my dreams I was in a dark dingy room with a control panel in the middle and nooses hanging all around. Harvest Moon characters were in the nooses, but they were alive and moving. I turned away and back, and they had each been stabbed with a syringe in the leg, and they were still. I fled to the next room. It had a museum-like wall setup, with small sections in various places for displays to be hung up. It was also dark, and seemed brown and dirty. Instead of pictures or artwork there were tunnels and cracked mirrors on the walls. In the floor next to one of them there was a hole, and there was a ring-shaped door with a rope tied around the side opposite the hinge. If you grabbed the rope you would fall down the hole, and the door would shut and you would be trapped forever. I closed my eyes and when I opened them, I was tied to some shelves in Safeway. The entire row behind me was filled with yellow boxes of Triscuits, and the one I was facing had pickle jars. I tried to get down and all the boxes fell on top of me. After crawling out from under them I realized it was my fault, because I had told my parents I wanted to go to the grocery store.

Woke up again probably around seven-ish because my walls have a thickness similar to Kleenex, and are probably more easily penetrated by sound. My door was closed, but I could hear my family talking. And then.... joy of joys, my mom started vacuuming.

I stayed in bed and tried to block it out, even though I have never been successful at doing so. (Whenever people tell me to just "tune out" or "ignore it" I resent them a bit, because it's not something I'm capable of doing)

Fast forward to nine... my alarm goes off. I decide that another half hour in bed won't do any harm, so I set the timer on my cell phone and lay inert but unfortunately excruciatingly awake for half an hour, opening an eye to check the timer's progress every now and then.

I made myself a spinach and cheese omelet on toast for breakfast, then headed out at around 10:45.

Leaving earlier was supposed to be so that I could scout out my class locations ahead of time, but it turned out that my first class is in the exact same room as my first class last quarter. The other two I had today were a bit trickier to find.

Biked home after the first class (Intro to Poetry, which had a very enthusiastic and probably slightly crazy professor) and had some salad. Yay salad.

My class schedule is a bit weird, so I have class from 11:30 - 12:20, and then from 3:30 - 5:15 and 5:30 - 9:15. Since my mom doesn't want me to bike in the dark, I get driven back to school for the later classes.

I was a few minutes late to my second class because of toast and after school traffic. Turned out to be okay though, because the classroom was huge and he hadn't even taken roll or handed out the syllabus yet.

Let me tell you my train of thought during the class:
"Where do I sit, oh no, where do I sit?"
"Is... that the professor? Is he wearing a suit?"
"The professor is wearing a suit... man this class is probably going to suck."
"I'm so tired, maybe I should just drop this class. I mean, I don't even need it, and the professor wears a suit."
"If I drop, I can just go home right now and take a nap."
"That guy at my table is really creepy looking, and he keeps raising his hand and giving wrong answers. I wonder how he feels about that..."
"Gee, this professor really seems to like his subject."
"I could probably learn a lot from this class, so maybe I should stay... the professor wears a suit though. Why is he wearing a suit? Aw man, this is probably one of those Serious Business classes..."
"Well I guess I'll stay after all."

He let us out early, so I was stuck with nothing to do for an hour. I walked around campus, but became paranoid that people would see me and wonder why I was going in circles.

I passed a fat woman who was wearing so much perfume that you could smell it from five feet behind her. I wondered if she thought the scent would somehow mask her extra flesh, or at least offset it. In any case it did neither.

The environmental studies class, nearly four hours long, was actually quite nice. Or I think it would have been if I hadn't been braindead the whole time. It was a really small class, fifteen people I'd say, and people asked my name and talked to me and were overall very friendly. The professor is this astoundingly energetic woman who used the YMCA method to spell out her teaching style acronym, VAK (Visual, Audial, Kinesthetic). I don't think I've had as much energy as her since I was in elementary school, and I'm pretty sure she's older than my dad.

My mom picked me up just after they started shutting off the lights in the building, and I got home and ate food. Oh, food, how I love thee. Or rather, need thee to sustain my existence. I'm horribly tired, but I think I'm going to do the stupid thing and play Harvest Moon for a few minutes before collapsing on my bed.

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Ah, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Feels exactly like 2010 so far, I must say.

As you probably don't know/have forgotten, I don't really make New Year's resolutions. (New Years'? Not a hundred percent sure on the apostrophe placement there)

In the past few days I've become wrapped up in Harvest Moon: Another Wonderful Life, though, so I should probably resolve to not stay up until 3 AM or later brushing virtual cows and making virtual pickles.

I think I'll probably just get tired of it again after awhile, so it's not much of a resolution.

Um, I had a dream that I was in an airport, and I didn't exactly know where I was going but I kept seeing these two guys from my high school. I didn't want to follow them, so I tried figuring things out for myself, and somehow I got captured by this person who could manipulate glass (in a super power kind of way). They were keeping me and some other mystical/magical type creatures/beings in a large circus-y canvas tent. The other captives and I banded together and secured some crystal goblets, which I guess were key because our captor couldn't break them?

Oh yeah, and one of the other people was a vampire, so somehow that meant she got a special trapdoor in the floor for when she needed to go to the bathroom. I fell through it into sort of a sports equipment storage/rec room area and couldn't get back up to ground level to escape with the others.

And... then there was something about a gigantic parakeet in someone's yard. I petted it, and it was about as soft as Romeo or perhaps my pillowcase. That's all I remember.


"I wake up happy, feeling good... but then I get very depressed, because I'm living in reality."

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A dream to follow space [DP]
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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There's water? I'm all OVER that
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Cici was just at the water bottle, throwing water all over the place. I thought she was just drinking extremely messily, but maybe she intended to get everything wet.

Usually Romeo tries to avoid her, but for some reason he wanted to get near the water bottle after she started making a mess. I couldn't tell what was going on, so I figured that what she was doing had somehow made the water look extra delicious to him or something.

Nope, guess not. He gave up on his attempts to close in on the bottle and started dancing around her instead, chirping and bobbing his head. My conclusion is that she was doing the budgie equivalent of washing a car while wearing a bikini, because he suddenly had the hots for her.

I do not understand parakeet mating rituals.

This entry was the result of trying to write other entries and then giving up and staring at my birds for inspiration. Luckily they happened to be engaging in quirky budgie behavior at the time!

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Finally, some pictures... [2P]
Saturday, December 18, 2010
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