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exhuastion
Thursday. 8.19.04 6:22 pm
I think one of the best feelings ever is complete exhaustion. but only as a result of some kind of hard work. you feel like you've completed as much as you can which is awesome. everyones lookin for 'the meaning of life' and i get a little of that feeling when im completely beat. i feel like i did/created something and it was my purpose. you also get that feeling like youve proved yourself and you deserved your right to just chill and be alone. thats part of why i like being alone alot. i love comin home beat, knowing i went above and beyond and earned the money that i spend to buy the things i have, then just relaxing with those things. just kickin off the boots and sittin back and listening to music is awesome. its like 'yeah i whooped ass, everyone stay away from me.' also, today im beat from all this work, tomarrow ill be able to go a little bit further. theres a mixed feeling when it comes to other workers tho, its like, 'yeah im the shit i work so much harder than him' but youre also like 'WHAT THE FUCK? do somethin!' so then you come home, relax, jerk off, shower, then chill. either alone or with a friend. even if they smoke crack and talk about how good of an idea it is to marry a girl you've known for 2 months and only met her in person once (and i still dont think he even met her then) but still your friends are your friends, and no matter how dumb they are you have to be there for them. he asked me to be his best man. and i had to say yes cuz id do anything for him, but then i hit him and called him an idiot. i think knowing the other persons middle name is a small prerequisite for marriage. but i cant tell him not to do it. all i can do is explain the rational solution and let him do what he wants. but its weird when you tell them repeatedly not to do something because you are looking out for their best intrest, then they do it anyway, they get screwed, and come back to you for solace. for me, the logic inside is like 'no mother fucker i told you not to eat that bleach and you didnt listen, deal with it' then the other side of the brain is like 'hey hes my friend ill drive him to the hospital and wait for him' and the fact that ill listen to the sypathetic side when it comes to friends makes me really loosely use the term 'friend' because you can do all that for a friend, and they turn around and lie to you for NO FUCKING REASON. aaahhhhh embrace the bitter. see now im not relaxed anymore. now im all wound up because of lying people. but still as silly as the friend getting married is i know he wont lie to me or anything so ill always be at his side when he needs me. even if he smokes crack and doesnt know how to show thanks.

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Die, you
Tuesday. 8.17.04 9:27 pm
i fucking hate people. nothing on this planet pisses me off more than people. nothing. if had a choice of being a leper or dealing with people i would be a leper so fucking quick. oh man the list of reasons i hate people would be so long. people lie. all people. dont give me that i dont lie shit. fuck you, you lie, and you are lying again by saying you dont. its the worst when you trust so few people, and those few people lie to you. as a few events in like the last month that list of people has dwindled down to all of mom, dad, and jen. thats it. theres people i dont know who have no reason to lie to me but thats different. people you dont know will lie to you just to throw you off. i personally dont give a fuck so i generally have no reason to lie. i have no regrets of anything i do, i FUCKING THINK before i do things, especially when they involve other people. and if i do something that may hurt someone else ill fess up. fuck all the lying and trying to scurry out of taking responsibility. 8 year olds do that when they break a lamp because they dont know any better, or they are doing something they know they shouldnt be doing. adults on the other hand know better, and they know what they should or should not do. but they still go against the knowledge they gain with age and act like retarded 8 year olds. fantastic. i just plain dont like poeple. and heres the irony. the people i do like are the ones that the rest of the people dont like, or judge, or cast out, or feel they are somehow different or better than. no ones better than anyone (save child molesters and rapists and shit) if you have money, no one cares. the only people that act like they care are trying to get some of your money. so you THINK youre prettier than this chick. even if you are it doesnt matter. it probably just means the ugly girl has a better personality. and when you're 50 and those looks are gone whats gonna matter more? see i love the truly outcasted people, not these new-age hippies (also known as goths or punks) because its all the same crap. one person has a different idea, then its the cool idea and a whole new crowd follows it, so then its not different, its hip. hip + Eeeee (as in ewwwww yuck) = hippie. now i understand the language. back to the point, these 'so called outcasts' are not what im talkin about. im talkin about the guy in the wheelchair that people laugh at, or the dorky chick that drops her shit and no one helps, or the blind guy, or the mentally retarded guy that people mimmick to feel better about themselves, which is one of the dubest things ever. prove how cool you are by immitating the actions of a retarded guy who cant help the fact that he is doing those actions, but you can help the fact that you do those actions and do them anyway. whos the true retard? the continuation of the irony is that besides my antisocial ideas im relatively normal. i dont dress or look in any extreme. ive got a little money, a decent car, i look fairly attractive (no brad pitt but no ralph nader either) and i could fit into most 'trends' or categories of people. and the ones i dont naturally fit into, i can act and lie as well as everyone else and make myself fit in. but why? why would anyone ever be something their not? i will never understand. they run out of shit to lie or people to lie to so the lie to themselves about who they are. thats retarded. im so proud of who i am and I wouldnt change anything. i love growing, and learning new things, and trying new things. and its healthy and normal for people to do, more people should do it. but theres a difference between having an open mind and being brainwashed. thanks MTV!!!1!! (for anyone who hasnt caught on the 1 in the middle of !!1!! is intentional to make fun of people, the same goes for any LOL or smileys you may see) and people are so inconsiderate. i hate hearing chivalry is dead, today 3 times i held the door for a woman and she didnt say thank you, one even gave me a dirty look. why the fuck will i be nice and actually do things when people dont even appreciate it. shit like that is just second nature now, like using the turn signal. i dont even go through a door anymore without holding it and checkin to see if someones comin. even if i know for a fact im the only one there. i always use a turn signal if a make a turn or change lanes, even if i know im the only one on the road. 3 in the morning no one on the highway and im using the signal to get off the exit. its what youre supposed to do so i do it all the time and it becomes habit.and people hate doing things the right way. some people dispise using turn signals. some people see me coming to the door way with an 8 foot table in each hand and close the door right in front of me. thanks ass hole, i hope you die of aids. tonight. i also hate people like the ones i work with. at my job it a bunch of 20-27 year old men and all we do is make fun of each other. no one is safe. but its good harmless fun. if your mom is sick, we dont make fun of your mom. if you really love your girl, we dont make fun of gang bangin her. but theres a select few, and by that i mean 1 guy, who loves to dish out mean shit all the time and then he gets all pissed when you make fun of him. and hell make fun of personal shit that he has no right to talk about, but just to feel cool and try to be the center of the moment hell say this shit to get some attention. more often then not his joke will flop, and someone like me will just slay his ass and he gets all upset. listen, if you just came in and youre havin a bad day and someones makin fun of you, i understand gettin mad. but if you start shit with someone and they just respond, you have no right to get mad. especially if they make fun of something you bring on yourself. ill never make fun of a cripple or someone that cant read or something like that (we've had both work there) well id make fun of them but not for being crippled. like john is that but i make fun of him for smoking crack and always being in love with white girls and changing his football team every year. and if you drive an old ass saturn and act like youre big shit with the fastest car on the planet and make ridiculous stories about this 'miracle car' then im gonna make fun of you. there are plenty of real easy things to make fun of me for and ill never get mad. because its either something i cant help, or its something i did that i dont regret. the guys make fun of me for liking the quiet girl whos 'outside the loop' and i dont care. they make fun of me for havin long hair, and liking the music i like, and growing up in the ghetto, and my love for fried chicken, and the fact that i always whack off and play video games, and i never care. im not ashamed of anything that i am. why would i be? if i dont like something about myself i grow and change it. but i dont change it just cause everyone else doesnt agree with it. fuck that. i think shame is the prodict of lies. unless its something like youre ashamed because you tried and failed. no one likes losing (except the goths, "life is a game we all lose, boohoo") but it happens. you just have to learn and try harder so you dont fail next time. id feel shamed if i didnt try again. and fuck having that regret of not trying again. and if you keep trying and dont win, then maybe you just suck. dont lie about it. its a rough lesson, we've all done it. but its better than lying to yourself about it. its like these soccer moms whos kids suck at soccer, and they're all like "GOOD GAME JIMMY!!!1!" fuck that. "jimmy, you didnt give your best effort, i know your better than that, prove it. try harder and be the best" at the end of the season he tries his best and he still sucks, get him playin football, or water polo or somethin. these parents lying to their kids is the worst. i know the idea is noble but its causing more damage than good. i dont plan on ever telling a child of mine that santa claus is real. i know im weird but i was pissed at my mom when i found that out. i felt like she lied to me all my life (which is essentially true) and i wondered what else she lied about. hahaha even when i was 6 i hated to trust people. and like that situation once someone does 1 thing to break my trust its gone. if they lied to you once who knows how many times they lied. and thus: Brian hates people.

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A books cover
Sunday. 8.15.04 3:16 pm
So we're settin up this job today at the YMCA pool and the dude im workin with his checkin out all these broads and of course im checkin out all these other broads, because thats the way it goes with me. hes pointin to the blonde surrounded by guys talkin to her in the blue 2 piece bikini "oh check her out brian" and im like no, im checkin out that chick with the black hair, readin a book, listen to her head phones by herself wearin guy shorts. not givin a fuck about anyone else. just chillin and doin her thing. thats what im talkin about. then hes like 'damn you're weird b. you go talk to her and ill talk to the blonde' so i replied with, 'fine go stand in line for herpes' i definately dont like the 'popular girl' for lack of a better term. i dont like people who strive to be the center of attention and the best thing in the world. at times, especially at work, ill be the center of attention just cause im sayin funny stuff, and its always because i like making people laugh and i like making fun of people even more. i hate being the center of attention. thats why id never be a stand up. i think i could do it fine but i dont like everyone lookin at me. i always sit in the back. hey if no ones watchin you they cant judge what you're doin. i hate when other people worry about what other people are doin. its not your business. dont ask questions or pass judgement. if you are going to pass judgement ask first andfind out whats goin on for sure. what you see isnt always what it is. now i could only assume of the two girls at the pool the one chillin would be much cooler and much more fun for me but thats judging the book. but i feel sometimes you have to. sometimes visual clues like that are just obvious facts. if a man who weighs 400 pounds walks down the street and i say 'he has an eating problem' no one will say 'HEEEEEEY DONT JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER!!!!!1!!' i dunno why i done like that saying so much but it irks me. that bridge looks 200 years old im not gonna cross it. that food looks old im not gonna eat it. this guy has a bunch of jailtattoos and sneaky eyes im not gonna tell him i have 100 dollars. you have to gather some opinion of something by the way it looks. now i know people arent as cut and dry but you can still gather alot from someone just by what some ones wearing, how they move, the way they talk, their eyes, etc. you can usually quickly gain a good estimation about who a person is. and no its not always right, and you shouldnt stake your life on it. the problem some people have is 'eww he wears black, he worships satan and kills baby cats' and shit like that. where that same guy can walk by in a baby blue gap shirt and khaki shorts and the same person is like 'ooohh hes cute, he has a good head on his shoulders' but i never see what other people see. which is why people call me wierd and what not. id rather be weird than just like everyone. but now that saying is popular and id be with the new 'in crowd' to say that. the one truth is that people are shady and manipulative so they would dress and act in a completely unnatural manner and you think they are something they are not. and thats what they want. but it doesnt always work like that. when i see some white kid with a fubu hat, sean john shirt, blastin Jay-z i definately dont think "WOAH! HES A THUG! LOOK OUT FOR THAT KILLAHzzzzz!" give me a break. i see 'wow that wigger is funny. i wouldnt clean up shit dressed like that' but thats just me. but the fact that people dress in a manner to portray an image that is different from their own is proof that everyone judges a book by its cover. if i pick up a book and it says "THIS BOOK SUCKS" then im not gonna by that book because it sucks. this whole situation bothers me because someone yesterday passed judgment on me for 'judging a book by its cover' so he was doing the same in essence. this is why i hate people.

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grrrrrrrrRACING!
Saturday. 8.14.04 6:52 pm
listen. whats up with all these kids who get their dads old neon, and spend a couple hundred bucks on an intake, stickers and a wing, and thinking they are the faster than ghetto kids when the ice cream trucks rolled by (it just happened out the window, those kids are fast) all i wanted to do wa go to sheetz, get my slushy, then go to taco bell and get some tacos, and yes they are right across the street from each other, god is good. and all i see are crackheads with spikey hair and stickers on their car. thats cool, you want a fast car whatever. but i cant go to a red light without some asshole reving his engine up and yelling. i dont give a fuck what kind of car you have, stop shoving it in everyones face. i dont care what hobbies anyone has (short of child molesters and the sort) because i have some weird hobbies myself, but i dont shove them in everyones face. now i am computer geek #2, second only to bob, but i dont go to like the internet cafe, or a college dorm and hook my computer up right next to someone elses and start boasting about how much better my computer is and start running programs they cant. its stupid. all someone is trying to do is look at porn and here this asshole is makin all this noise and shoving his computer in your face. its the same thing on the road. im trying to by some tacos and theres all these assholes cutting each other off, racing 1/10 of a mile to the next fucking light, yelling at me i guess cause im young and im an idiot because i dont want to "LIVE ON THE EDGE!!!! TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT!!!" what a bunch of dipshits. i bet if in fast and the furious 5 they had a car with fresh pig shit smeared all over the windshield and they said it lowered wind resitance and adds 30 horsepower, then youd see a bunch of dickholes driving around with pig shit all over their car. then thered be at least one brain surgeon to take it farther and say something like "my shit reflection kit is the best because i use only pure indian elephant shit and i put it on my tires too" wow. dont take this the wrong way. i love fast cars, and people who want to race are cool with me. but when you take it to that extreme you're just being a douche. and racers are not the only guily people to so this. there is a staggering number of hobbies where people do the same. i used to go to the gym on the west shore with my friend and that was like douche capital USA. people walking around like they're professional trainers, talking to you like they are god. and you say 'no im cool' and they get all offended because you didnt bow down and suck their cock. i know some people are the kind to only do one thing and excel at it. thats cool. but dont expect me to be all over you because of it. i couldnt give a shit less. unless its something remarkable like finding the cure for cancer or somethin. its natural and healthy to try to be the best. even if it is only one thing. but dont be crack whore as a result. tony hawk is the shit at skateboarding but i bet hes never at a skate park, talkin down on people like hes the best guy ever. or he might and hed still be an asshole. bob is the shit with computers. if i ever have a question i go straight to him. hes slow with everything else but greatly excels with computers. and hes never one of those douchebags that knock people for not being as good as him. if he sees you doing somethin wrong hell be like 'yo this works' and you take the advice or leave it. he s not like 'ooh im super computer guy PLUS listen to me im awesome' hes just like this works, either youll do it or find out for yourself it works. i just hate when people think they know everything. no. you dont. yu may know alot about a certain thing, but then when you're taken out side of that 'realm' youre useless. i think thats one of those things that comes with an open mind. then you're more willing to try and learn new things. even if you dont like them or do them all the time. i dont like plastic models but i tried it and i could probably put one together right now. ive tried cars, bikes, computers, video games, crafting, clubbin, rappin, playin music, being jobless, and just alot of crap. i think i learned alot by puttin my head in different places and it rocks. i think everyone should try everything.the more you know the more you can figure out and the better off you'll be. i like to use analogies alot because thats how i learn best. if i can compare something im learning now to something i already know, then the learning is butter. its like in road trip where the dude turned philosophy into wrestling and the other guy picked it up right away. so the more you know, the more you can do that and the more you can figure stuff out.

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Projekt Revolution
Tuesday. 8.10.04 5:09 pm
2 words. Awesome. definately the 2nd best show ive ever seen (second only to metallica because come on, it gets no better live than metallica) the order was snoop, korn, then linkin park. we were still drinking in the parking lot when snoop came on then worked our way in while he was on stage. we caught the last couple songs including gin and juice, and whats my name. it was cool. i never saw much live rap but snoop was alright. then we chilled for a little until KoRn came on. I saw them with metallica and they rocked then. the only thing that sucked about the show i saw was David (drummer) broke something and wasnt at the show. but he was there last nite. the pit was crazy, needless to say. of course the worst hit i took was from my friend i went in there with but this happens. they quick threw in their cover of one and did a cover of Pink Floyds Brick in the Wall. fantastic. they may be my favorite band ever and they rock live. then korn left and the park came out. they rocked the place hard. the concert was in pittsburgh and the entire crowd was so full of energy it was awesome. i hate a good show where the crowd just stands there. why pay to see it live if you're not gonna get involved. might as well by a live DVD for all that. but you know me, im in the pit, jumpin around yelling every lyric. awesome. linkin park even played Step up, and older un released song that i knew. and while im singin along this broad who was apparently a huge park fan was walkin by and saw me singin and gave me a huge hug. it may have been accidental but her hand rubbed on the goods, but i wont complain. haha ben (23) and gerf (25) were talkin to this girl, bummin cigarettes off her, then they asked how old she was and she said "im about to turn 16" hahaha it was sooo wrong but so funny. so then they're like, Ok get away from me, and shes still hangin around. it would be funny to see 2 grown men get security to get away from a 15 year old girl. good times. so if anyone gets a chance to see the tour, go. it is fantastic.

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vision of the world
Sunday. 8.1.04 11:30 pm
i figured it out. whenever i look at someone i always see their eyes first. and on women it determines the level of my attractedness to them. obviously if they have huge boobs im gonna notice that and on natural instinct be attracted to her, no man can control that. but the eyes are the insight to that person. you can tell the kind of person someone is based on their eyes, well i do at least. and i think its because your eyes are how you see the world.and the way you see the world determines who you are. do you see the glass half empty? do you see only bad when someone dies? do you see a solution when everyone else sees another reason to give up and collect sympathy? do you see something 'impossible' and r un head long into it. the way you percieve determined the way you act. a giant and a midget would look at the same person 2 totally different ways. thats why i like eyes. and to love another you have to love yourself. and in a slightly conceited way i very much so love myself. every situation i get into i do whatever i feel i should do, no regrets, no caring about what others think, no thinking this is right but doing something else. which makes me 100% comfortable with who i am which i think is the only way one should live. regret is one of the worst feelings ever. making a bad descision you could not control and wishing you knew better isnt regret. not talking to that girl at the movies you really like because you got scared, then wishing for the next week you did is regret. but still i dont feel regret for anything i do. i look at every situation like this: everything i do will carry on forever no matter how small so do what the fuck makes sense, even if it causes temporary pain. a vaccination hurts right now, but you wont throw up your intestine out of your ear later. regret is avoiding temporary pain now for long term pain later. and thats one of the things i love about myself and i see it in my own eyes. i know it sounds ridiculous but i see so much when i look into my own eyes. i see my best friend, the only perosn that will ever completely understand me, the only person that will always look out for my well being first. now in situations i would definately put myself in harms way to save another, but the most natural instinct we have is survival, no matter how much we ignore it with cigarettes and tanning beds. so everyone should always look out for their own survival first. but like everything you need balance. of course if my house is 2 seconds from exploding and i can die trying to save you or escape and live, im going to do whats nescessary to live. but i can wait 3 seconds of my life to hold the door for someone, or help some old lady put a heavy box in her car. survival: you first. everything else: be courteous. i know people who go either exrteme. mostly tho its everyone thinking "i am the center of everything, you are shit" but then theres people like my mom who go broke giving everyone else money, or sleep in the street so someone else can have her bed. and i dont like that sometimes because not everyone deserves such things, especially when you work hard for it. ok, Jane got kicked out she needs a place to stay. be nice, let her stay, but make her clean while shes here. and after so long if she makes no effort to get out again kick her ass out. tge worst about her scenario is that she goes so far out of her way for people and they all disappear when she needs help. luckily i was born into a decent loving family so the 4 of us are always here for each other. were all just stubbornly independent and dont always ask for help. so i see similarities in all of our eyes because of alot of these. i think if everyone paid more attention to eyes then wed know more about each other. if you have a loved one or a friend thats not weirded out eaily just stare into their eyes for a little. their mouth can say endless rubbish but the eyes will never lie.

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