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Jon?

Thursday. 8.3.06 9:54 pm
Un cero rojo en el contestador,
hoy, otro día más que no llamó,
bien, ahora tengo que desayunar y continuar.



' How was Andre's party?"
'It was... classy. ' Classy wasn't really the right word.. Elegant was more like it.
people were dressed up, live jazz band, abunchh of speeches. Wasn't the typical teenage party, ' But I was out of my element. '
'Soon, that will be your element, ' And she looked up at me, blue eyes twinkling in that old face of 'ers. I averted my eyes, to the ground, to the hall, then back to her.
'What do you mean?'
' I mean, when you stop hiding..'

I went to my highschool today to request a copy of my final transcript to be sent out to my university, and ran into my favorite teacher.. and stopped by a couple others just to say goodbye and say thanks. That conversation lasted alot longer, alot more was said, but that was what really got to me the most.

Hiding. I walked out of the school, perhaps for the last time in a long time,( hopefully, that place smelled like band nerds and makeout sessions. )wanting to see Moohell. Reflecting back on my days in Arlington, Tejas, she'd been probably the person I was happiest with, back in the 8th grade, the year after I moved here. Of course, I knew people longer, like Derek ( who is turning 18 in a few days and wanted me to go with him to his birthday party celebration.. at a strip club. He doesn't know me that well. ), but I don't think that theres been someone whos walked into my life who I've cherished as much as I once did her way back when we were freshmen. She'd convince her mom to give me rides home, and convince me to give her a piggyback ride.. Now that I think about it, those piggyback rides are only fun for the person riding. Just hardwork for me.

But I didn't see 'er. I got back into my car, returned my dad's call and went home since he asked me to.

I should see 'er in a week or so, for her birthday party. I remember going to the one last year, asking myself ' Why am I hear again? ' abunch of times.

I'm just out of my element at parties.

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Friday. 7.21.06 10:19 am

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Keep on dreamin'.
Tuesday. 7.18.06 12:33 am
My soul is as open as the sky
Often times its just as blue
People tell me to keep on dreamin'
Thats just what I'm gonna' do

Fifteen, maybe twenty kids... teenagers, biding their time outside of 'Phil's, ' a sixteen year old boy I met the day before. The boys played hockey in the street while the girls sat on the curb, smoking cigarettes and catching up on stories. I stepped to the side, turned my back to the entire group and focused on the sky above.

Caitlin. " ...there he goes again, staring off into the distance. " was my wakeup call from contemplating the three Cs. The boys were off playing hockey in the street still, and the girls were still sitting on the sidewalk smoking and talking, 'cept this time it was about me. "Oh, now he turns around. " I pout, push out my lower lip and lower my eyes to their faces, seeking out the pair of eyes I'd been studying for the past couple of days. Reflecting on it now, a month removed from my adventure in Kansas City, that night stands out as the main catalyst to the pensive state of mind I'm in at the moment. Another side of the girl I've known since I was in elementary was opened up to me that night. Prior to that night, our relationship consisted of late night phone calls and long winded letters ever since we both moved and were forced step into new phases in life. I moved into a new city just prior to junior high, had to make new friends

-That didn't work out too well since most of the people I'd claim as a friend or aquantance from 7th-10th grade are further away from me on a personal level than you, whoever you are, reading this is. I guess thats how highschool is... you do things to impress people, dress a certain way, talk a certain way, listen to whatever music just to fit in to a group, to belong until you reach a point where all that stuff doesn't matter so much. Its... complicated. Once you reach that point, the people you invested so much time, effort, and even money into in an attempt to fit in no longer seem to matter to you as they once did. A lot of people may want to be an individual, but believe you me, its not all that its cracked out to be, especially if you choose to be one. Being a nonconformist sucks because you never know just what to wear. -

And she had just moved to Kansas City I believe… anyway, there I was that night, spending time with the people who had put on this earth to live their own separate lives while molding hers, and in a way, my own. They affected her, and since she affected me… it was all connected. I reflect back on it now, remembering the faces of the girls on the sidewalk smoking their cigarettes and the boys running through the streets, not troubled by either the war in the middle east or the clash of Mavericks against Heat ( BOOOOOOOOO D-WADE ) and I wonder who among them were contributors to her struggle with drugs. Which among them were the children of the MK-ULTRA (Look it up, scary stuff) fiasco and which ones were people I would’ve really enjoyed being around. Despite the aloof contenance, the pwning of many a fool to be pittied in football( During my brief, brief successful career was a touch down I scored WHILE ON DEFENSE back in the 7th grade. Never achieved that much success on the JV or Varsity levels though. ), and the stoic dreamer façade worn during 11th and 12th grade, I generally enjoy other people… when they’re not teasing me about daydreaming and staring off into the distance, or playing hockey in the streets.

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anh.
Sunday. 4.16.06 11:28 pm
She knows well I don't deserve her
She laughs and says,
"Thats the way love goes."


The two of us sat in the café behind of the book store. She was drinking some mocha contraption, a contraption I declined to take a sip of because the smell of coffee beans and the thought of drinking it again makes my stomach flip like dead fishies. So she sat there, slurping the coffee drink and flipping through the pages of a Cosmopolotian-I know I butchered the spelling- magazine while I gave my best attempt at studying for a pre cal exam.

I know it’s a bad habit, but I always roll my bottom lip backwards into my mouth and clench down on it when I’m concentrating. I did it then, sitting in the café across from Anh before she mentioned something about grabbing a new book and before I knew what was happening, we were both walking to the bookstore and then to separate directions: her to the manga section and me to the short stories. I grabbed a favorite book of mine to show her,(drown, by Junot Diaz,) and made my way to the comic section.

Anh stood there, one arm wrapped around her stomach and the other resting vertically across her chest where an elbow was leaning up against the opposite wrist. Her mouth was opened a little, and she had an index finger pressed up against her chin while she looked over the selection of comics. I felt more comfortable in the actual book store than the café because there weren’t unfamiliar faces to every direction but across from me, and I felt I could talk more openly there where the only witness to our conversation were the ink blots. Today was the day before valentines day. I brought her a stuffed lion before we ended up at the book store and told her what I thought she ought to know before I pack my bags and drive 5 hours away for college, only to come back for Christmas and summer time. I told her she was important to me.

Important to me. Now that I think about it, just about everyone is important to me… at least, they all should be. I’ve been struggling with the concept of ‘ love thy neighbor, ‘ even those who hurt you. My teacher pulled me aside the other day and told me she thought I was a good kid and would turn out to be a great man, and warned me to watch my pride because it’s something I’ll struggle with. She sees through my blank façade,( Which is the hardest to wear, btw because no one wants to conform with you. Stoics are the loneliest. ), and says that I’m a very emotional thinker and person, which if you hadn’t guessed by reading some of my entries, I guess I am. Not too proud of being called an emotional person since it goes against what I want on my tombstone, (“The manliest man to ever exist since 1988,”), but I’ll accept the thinker thing.

The thing is… I don’t have to struggle much when I’m around Anh. Especially in our car rides to and from places, where I’m most comfortable. We drive, I talk, she listens, she talks, I listen, and my guard is down. It hardly ever goes down. But its down then, and that’s why she is important to me. Not saying you, whoever you are reading this isn’t important either…

I don’t need a guard. I just wish I didn’t want one as well.

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Sunday. 1.29.06 12:18 am
FOR:
You are
Always
On my
Mind
"Jon,...come on." Kim tilted her head to the side and gave me this look that just screamed," Let me in."

I've been getting that look a lot lately.


When people question me about my day or try to bring something up to discuss, my immediate response is to just shrug or give a yes/no, one word, two word answer. I’ve noticed, since that day with Kim, that I don’t do it on purpose. I like Kim. She’s .. a friend. Close to a friend. She’s one of the few people I’d care to see after I graduate, so that’s something.( I’m very cautious with who I claim to be my friend. If I label someone a friend and let them into my heart as a friend, I make myself vulnerable to them. I don’t like being vulnerable to anyone.. Which brings me to Anh. More on that later.) I don’t mean to shut people out, especially since there aren’t many people who even attempt to get to know me anymore. I’ve made my belief about friendship clear( The line about vulnerability, ) to just about anyone who watches me throughout school, so few people even attempt.
In my PALs class a week or so ago, I remember sitting on one side of the room when about 10 or so other kids sat on the other side engaged in a conversation about love. Men are from mars, women from Venus stuff. They were animated, laughing and hooting, hollering and cackling, while I worked on my college paperwork for about an hour or so, then twiddled my thumbs and listened to music for another hour(hyperbole.).
Maybe if they were speaking of the Seattle Seahawks(Washington sucks, but that’s my team.) I could make the case I would’ve been more interested.. But for those of you who read this semi-regularly(Since I update semi-regularly)you’ll know I’m interested in matters of the heart. It bothered me a little that I wasn’t involved in the conversation, but after awhile two people who sit behind me came back from the library and began to talk to me. I’ve known one, Estefania, for a year now so I’m a little at ease with her. Anyway, after a couple of minutes of chatting with those two, I yearned a little to be left alone. I enjoyed the conversation, and I enjoyed my solitude, but I wanted neither. I want neither. What else is there?

Today,(Its Saturday night, late Saturday night, as I write this,) I had a tournament for debate to go to in the morning. It was a two day tournament, the first day being on Friday(Got to miss a lot of school for it.) Anyway, today… I made a new friend. I didn’t create one or nuffin, From scratch, I mean. I’m getting off topic..


She called me socially handicapped.
My school brought around 15 people. We were there for hours, the majority of my time was spent listening to my music and staring out the window. I talked to a couple of people, played a game of spades(was forced to,) and then went for a walk ‘cause I got tired of sitting on those uncomfortable chairs. I ended up sitting on this brick.. Wall.. Thing and had a clear line of sight out these glass doors and toward a beautiful skyline. Over in my part of town, there not a lot of trees to gaze at, so I loved this place. Anyway, I sat there for about an hour when a girl who went to my church a year ago showed up. I had seen her earlier in the day, and couldn’t help but stare at ‘er(trying to figure out if I knew her or not.) We ended up talking for fifteen minutes, then she left and went back to the cafeteria. I stayed out there for awhile longer, looking out the window and through the sky. I was looking for someone. More on that later. I eventually went back to the cafeteria, took my seat back at my table and asked a guy I knew “ yes, or no.” He said, “ What do you mean, yes or no,” and after awhile I got him t o just pick one. He said no, but I said “ What do you know,” and got up and got some pizza. I took a detour on my way back to my table and instead sat at hers and we ended up in an hour or two long conversation. Her attitude toward me changed from when we first started talking… at first, she was really nice and polite hen started teasing me, claiming its what she does to people she thought she knew. I was really impressed with her…, but she’s a debater. Debaters are usually really pointed people(Which is why I chose to stay away from the people who came with me from school. They’re always talking politics, whether socialism is better than democracy, or if Kobe Bryant is better than The Rock. Serious stuff like that,)and I could tell she had really strong convictions. It was good thing though. Anyway,… maybe I am socially handicapped, but I was able to get over it enough to talk to ‘er, right? Anyway… back to why I left the cafeteria in the first place.

Whenever I sat in the cafeteria, I looked at the 2 or 3 hundred people there, and realized that there were about 300 lives being lived in that room, six hundred eyes and six hundred nostrils. I could’ve searched every face in that room and not have found the one I was looking for. To see those eyes, see the set of nostrils, see the face of the person who’d been on my mind all week, all month since the night I spent with ‘er on my birthday, I had to open my picture book and look at the first( and only in my eyes,) picture there. My 18th birthday… the majority of it, the night anyway, was spent with a friend who lives across town. We watched Tristan and Isolde, then went to a boba tea shop. I didn’t realize til the night as over that she had spent around ten bucks on me, buying me my movie ticket and then some food and I felt guilty. Anyway… I’m getting off topic. Socially handicapped. I’m not socially handicapped.

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Sunday. 1.8.06 10:34 pm
Wish I could prove I love you
But does that mean I have to walk on water
When we are older you'll understand
It's enough when I say so


She wrote her name, drew a heart, and my name underneath it in my spiral on the last day of class. She had basically been busy the entire class, talking with this model-esque guy and model-esque girl in the front of the class while I stayed in the back with my friends, picking my nose and making jokes.( Not so much picking my nose, but telling jokes yeah.)
She sits up in the front.. or sat, up in the front with the hollister crowd. I sat in the back with thisblack/white guy with really long hair who plays his PSP and sells bootleg movies and CD's, a reforming drug addict, and my friend Samantha who I chose to sit by instead of her at the beginning of the school year. Although I wonder how that semester would've ended up if I had made a different choice, I don't regret it.

So she wrote her name and all that stuff in class, and during our last walk from economics to her PC class the following period, I asked her why she did and what it meant. She just looked at me with a weird smile, shook her head and said just what it said, and told me to just accept it. So I did, after playing kingdom hearts and hearing those lyrics above. I had been seeking an explanation for her feelings, the feelings she claimed to have for me.. I accept it, but I didn't and still don't understand why, and to what extent she cares. However, I've decided to let it go.

Over the christmas break, I made attempts to get close to two others, both of whom showed interest in me before.. Girl one was/is bipolar. On her good days and d uring our good dates, she'd be real energetic and treat me well and I loved spending time with her. On her bad days, she'd treat em as though I wasn't someone she was concerned with. Sadly, the last time I asked her out, over the summer, was one of her bad days and it made me realize that I didn't really want that unstablity in my life.

Girl two was a keeper. I was relaly attracted to her, had been since the 8th grade, and when she approached me and asked me out I oculd hardly believe it. She expressed her interest right away, and I went into the whole ' flight or fight ' mode of nature, where when you feel threatened you either fight or flight, or freeze as I did. She got tired of waiting for me it seems, and let me go. Thus, there I was during the X-mas break deleting all three love interests like myspacers delete braincells by skimming through profiles and looking up emo/provocative/disturbing pictures of themselves.

(nutang>myspace,xanga,livejournal,deadjournal. Not so much ujournal,I loved that thing.)

So the new year started, and with each new year comes a new birthday for me since its the thirteenth of Janurary. In five days, I'll be eight teen. I remember the first time I truly understood the concept of time as I do today. I was in the sixth grade, it was the ninth of september, 1999 or some datel ike that, and my math teacher told us " Think.. this is the last thursday, the last ninth of semptember of the year 1999 ever," and I thought " Wow,..." I'll be eigthteen in a few days, and I can't help but wonder about all the choices I've made in my short life that has brought me to this keyboard at this precise moment. You know how in the Matrix, Neo has to pick between the blue or red pill or whatever and how that can change reality?Those decisions are ones we face daily if you think about it.. if I had chosen not to sit by Samantha and tried to stay afloat in the shallow water I claim to be my infatuations, where would I be? Who would I be?

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The only thing left after awhile
Tuesday. 11.15.05 12:08 am
Your hand slipped awayAs I watched..I watched you fall

The look he gave me when he saw us together was the type of look I'd get from one of my football coaches when I didn't fight hard enough, took a play off or something. That gaze that doesn't have to be accompanied by a shout, yell, scream, even a whisper. All he needed was that left to right nod while his head was tilted back for me tog et the full message.

He doesn't like her much. She doesn't like him much either, although they were once two of my closest ' friends. ' Now, I consider .. I consider her a friend. I walk with her friendly, talk with her friendly, embrace her friendly, although I'm missing her still. With him, ... I found it easy to let him go. Didn't have to think twice about our relationship going down south, and even though he extended his hand out ot me multiple times I kind of just shook it off. I matured quicker than he did, and his immature jokes and actions turned me off despite whatever friendship we once had. We had lunch today after about two years or so, and it was kind of awkward at moments. He's got a fancy car that he's poured alot of money, attention, and time into. He's a state ranked wrestler, works at some kind of pet shop for his mom, and looks as mature and respectable as a seventeen year old could, but in my eyes he's that kid who'd fart in english class and only half open his mind to new things, people, and places. The only reason why we were friends was because he half opened his mind to me in the seventh grade when I moved to this part of town, and he accepted me into his group. I was introverted, talkedl ittle and wrote alot back then, and was apart of a million school clubs. From football and track to journalism and band, I was across the spectrum. The best thing I did throughout HS so far was dropping all of that stuff, dropping all the labels and titles like " Footballer Jon, band member jon, Journalist Jon, Photographer Jon ', so that all I don now is ' Jon '(sometimes Jonathan). Although I shed alot of the relationships I forged in those crafts( I can't hang out in the lockerroom or the bandhall anymore with those people), I've kept some of them.. His just wasn't one. Nor was hers for awhile.

I saw her a few days ago at a pizza shop on a day she skipped school after having a nightmare. She was by herself, talking to someone on the phone and I was talking to a girl I was with til I spotted her, threw my arms around her, and squeezed. Few minutes later, her boyfriend came running in ( Literally running ), along with alot of other people so I decided to slip out. I guess partially because of him, and because of the other ten, twenty people who she was meeting up with. One of them, her best friend, saw me and hugged me as though we were friends. I just kind of stood there, a little... yeah. On my way out I saw alot of people I used to talk to alot and took part in the small talk
" Hey, haven't seen you in awhile"
" Yeah. "
"Blahblah..blah"
"Yeah."

Okay, so maybe I didn't take part in the small talk. I put forth an effort, one syllable words = effort. One syllable word = Friend. After having lunch with him and spending my morning with her, I'm able to reflect back on what makes them different in my mind, and why I consider her a friend and him just someone I used to know. Maybe its the bi-daily contact Ih ave with her opposed to the once a week hall-way nod I've got with 'em. or maybe its because I'm mad at him for allt the racist or ignorant or dumbass comments and actions over the years that I never experienced with her.

Or maybe it's because she's got prettier eyes.

RIP Eddie Guerrero

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Yo quisera ser
Monday. 9.19.05 6:21 pm
What's your name again? I know I knew it two seconds ago
But I don't recognize this second face, although with the first it's identical

It was.. You know how when it’s time for you to wake up sometimes, but you want to hold onto that dream so much that you go into that half awake, half asleep type deal? It was maybe three weeks ago that when she, metaphorically, kicked me in the gut with the truth I refused to see. With her hands wrapped around her books, and her face turned to face the world and away from me, she told me we couldn’t be what we once were. Told me that she couldn’t understand how I could go from being cold and distant for almost two years to waking up ( Half-waking up as I alluded to earlier ) this summer and forgiving her, and now try to act as if nothing was ever wrong. I didn’t say anything in response, just kept my head down and slid my hand into my pocket, looking for something to hold onto within while she held onto me like she always did, hugged me, and walked away to her class after a few moments of silence.

Telling me that we couldn’t ever have what we once had.. Telling me that we couldn’t be as close, let alone closer just like that.. I blamed her. I couldn’t see how she could say that to me, when I had been the one to forgive her for hurting me in the first place, and throughout the rest of that day people came up to me to ask what was wrong. My favorite teacher told me just last week that my face betrays me, ‘cause when something is on my mind I can’t be as aloof as I normally am, and on that day.. I wasn’t really myself. I was still in my half-dream state till I made a phone call to explain my dilemma.. My friend, Momo, is my kryptonite. She called me on my selfishness, my reluctance to accept the pain I caused her , and me always wanting to bring it back to my hurt. I had made it seem as though I was doing her a favor by forgiving her, without realizing that she had forgiven me time and time again by always coming back for more and more punishment. Each time I hurt her feelings back then seemed like another day.. Another month added onto the time span it’ll take for us to be what we once were. After talking to Momo, I felt as though someone cut the lights on in my bedroom and dragged me out of my dream state. I had known the truth in the back of my mind.. I knew that realistically, we couldn’t build what took two years to destroy in two weeks. I didn’t care though.. So often, it seems as though I think with my heart, and not my mind. I know the right thing, I know the smart thing, I know what I ought to do.. But if my heart ain’t in it, don’t expect to see Jonathan taking part in it.

I wrote a lot, but in the journal we share, the thing I gripped in my pocket after she told me that. I tore that journal up, the front cover is broken off the hinge now, and almost all the space is taken up.. When I gave it to her to read a few weeks ago, she just looked at me funny and smiled. That was the same thing she did two days after she told me that, and I talked to Momo.. She asked me if I was okay, and I told her no. I told her that I was sorry for being so selfish, and not realizing the pain I had caused her, and apologized for not looking at things the way they were and focusing on what I wanted and dreamed of. She smiled at me, and I think I might’ve hated her for a moment,(hyperbole), for being so understanding with that grin.

I told the girl that one of my biggest problems in regard to our situation was that I was always looking to the past.. Reminiscing of the past with her, and when I wasn’t doing that I was dreaming and hoping of some great future, always forgetting the past. She asked why, and I told her that I didn’t know.. And told her that I’d try to focus on the present.. And that presently, I had a friend who I could open my heart to during our seven minute journey from the 700 to the 300 hallway.


Since then.. It’s been weird for me. A couple days have just been filler conversations “ hey - hi - how’re you - fine - blahblah - … “ Today.. I figured that most of those filler conversations are because of me. We started to have one where she asked me what’s up, and I’d say “ The sky “, then ask me what’s going on, and I’d say “ life “. She looked at me, and said “ Tell me what I want to hear “
“ I love you. “, followed by a quick “ I dunno “ with my head turned down and my bottom lip rolled back into my mouth at an angle, biting it. It’s true, I do lover the girl, yet I’m not sure how..

No, I do know how. I love her as a friend. We’re not as close as we used to be.. And wishful thinking complicates things. Wanting her.. And wanting to be with her.. Two separate things. She’s got a boyfriend.. A guy who used to be one of my close friends. We all used to be close friends, the three of us..

There I go again, reminiscing. Right now.. The present.. Is what I’m focusing on.







http://www.angelfire.com/nb/okashira/SONGMUSTPLAY.mp3

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