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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
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Blue Milk Special
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dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
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The End
Evil Diva
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Existential Comics
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Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
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Legend of Bill
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Love Me Nice
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Wilde Life
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Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
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Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED

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Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
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Passive Aggressive Notes
Wow, I've been bad at updating lately [2P]
Friday, June 10, 2011
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Dubstep? Maybe?
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Listening to Point B. Good good good stuff.

I think it might sort of fall under the dubstep category, but I'm not sure. There's the bad, generic dubstep that all sounds the same, and then there's stuff like this. I'm not much of an expert on the genre, so I can't really say.

So... my phone broke. Not in such a way that it's been rendered unusable, but it's still sort of bad. The flap broke off. I managed to glue part of it back on, so I can still lock the phone, but the keys are exposed now. Gonna have to get a new phone. :|

I'm overdue for a new one anyway, but I didn't see any I liked the last time we went to the store. Blahhhhhh. All I want is something small that will fit into my pocket!

Eh but really, I'm not in much of a complaining mood. Feel pretty indifferent to things overall. Think I'll end the entry here.

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Fifteen hour nap marathon!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
I'd been kind of tired all week, so I was really glad on Friday when the weekend had arrived. Around six thirty or so I figured I could take a nap, since I didn't have to worry about messing up my sleep schedule.

Well... I woke up around four hours later... and then decided to just go back to sleep.

Woke up a few times after that, but all in all I probably spent fifteen hours just sleeping and going back to sleep.

It's kind of magical that I'm at a time in my life where I can do that. When I was younger, one of my parents would have knocked on my door to wake me so I could eat dinner, or at least check on me. When I'm older I'll probably have kids or other responsibilities that'll make this kind of thing unreasonable...

I dreamt about a lot of different things.They're fading from my memory into obscurity now, though. All I remember clearly was that I was in a house that had been invaded by demons or shadow monsters of some sort, and I was trying to get rid of them, but it was taking a lot of effort. Thankfully I found a unicorn blood dispenser, and a drop of blood was enough to kill them. You couldn't just specify how much you wanted, though. You had to spin this dial, and whatever number it landed on was how many drops came out. At first I was only getting small quantities, but then I hit the jackpot and got 124 drops or something like that...

There was also this other part where I was outside, holding onto this thing that could fly, and I tried picking some fried fish from a grapefruit tree for these cats on the ground. I ended up knocking down a couple of the grapefruits and none of the fish. The cats tried to jump at me, which freaked me out, and I panicked as I tried to fly away from them, because I couldn't get very high off the ground.

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The fabled eight hour workday
Thursday, June 2, 2011
I remember in history class, which I never much liked, we learned about how hard workers fought for the eight hour workday.

Thinking back to that... they used to work what, twelve to sixteen hours? Something like that daily? Probably more, actually? My estimates are probably pretty conservative, and I'm too tired/lazy to open a new tab to Google it.

I'm in a better mood than I was yesterday, but I'm still tired. I've been tired for the past... I dunno, four or five days. For a reason I can't quite identify, I've also had a lingering headache for two or three of those days. Blah.

Today I spent fourteen hours at school. :( My day went thusly:

8:15 - 9:20 AM: Astronomy
-Walked over to the Environmental Science Center while it was drizzling
9:whatever - 12:15 PM: Read my Astronomy textbook until ES Guy showed up, then talked about various things with him. We discussed money and its symbolism and significance in our society, date rape, our respective horoscopes, and books...
-Walked to Oceanography
12:20 - 1:15 PM: Oceanography. We talked about coastlines and watched a beach get built up in a wave tank. It was creepy.
1:20 - 3:05 PM: Anthropology. We had a test today, which asked us to... name family relationships... it had sort of a family tree, with each member designated by a shape (and all the shapes were numbered), and we had to write down how each member was related to Ego, or the point of reference in this case. Apparently we were supposed to write stuff like "cousin" and "mother" and "sister" I guess? I was worried it wasn't supposed to be that easy. X|
3:whatever - 3:50 PM: Spent wandering around, looking up the lyrics for "This Is My Life" by Shirley Bassey, and reading Time magazine in the library.
4 - 10 PM: Optional meeting for the school literary magazine. First we voted on art submissions, then around 6 PM we started wrapping that up and moved to another area on campus to discuss and vote on poetry/fiction/creative nonfiction. Originally I had planned to leave at 8, but... yeah. That didn't happen.

If fourteen hours of being at school makes me this tired, I hate to think of how I would have fared during the industrial revolution.

Considering my heritage though, I doubt I would have been working in a factory. I might have been raising children/taking care of household matters/sewing clothes for extra income... It's possible my feet would have been bound (ew).

Well my life would have sucked either way. Apparently one of my female ancestors, before she moved to Hawaii to be with her arranged husband, had bound feet (they weren't poor, so they could afford to bind the feet of the females) and a number designation rather than a name. She fell into a well and was stuck down there for a few days before she managed to get out. Nobody came looking for her because nobody cared. My dad couldn't remember if someone eventually discovered her and rescued her or if she somehow climbed out despite her physical handicap (pain for beauty...).

That incident is possibly what turned her life around. Once in Hawaii, she was an extremely hard worker. She would make a jacket or other article of clothing every day to bring in an extra twenty five to fifty cents. All her life she was terrified of being sent back to China, so she saved up the money she made so that if her husband ever said they were having financial troubles and that he would have to send her back, she could pull out her stash to show him that things were actually okay and he could keep her there.

Oh, I also found out recently that I'm probably not actually full Cantonese. There's most likely some Mandarin on my mom's side. Of course, I don't care either way, since I dislike China regardless, but it was sort of a surprise since I've been under the impression that I was pure Cantonese my entire life.

So yeah, there's a little peek into my roots.

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Well, I didn't stab anybody
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
The oceanography test I took today turned out to be less horrifically difficult than I was anticipating. Still, there are answers I'm uncertain about.

After class I discussed some of the questions with Alice. Perhaps a mistake on my part...

When you disagree with her on something academic like this, or even sometimes things that are abstract, she has this way of talking that gives the impression that she's angry at you for being so stupid. It's a mixture of condescension and... impatience, I guess. Like she's impatient with you because you're wasting her time with your stupidity and your ignorance.

I don't think she realizes how she comes off. Sometimes I feel like she sees the world in black and white; that everything is categorized into "I'm right" and "you're wrong." I know it's not like that though. She acknowledges that people have their own opinions, and that varying states of truth and right-ness exist.

Still, her tone implies otherwise.

Perhaps I'm reading into this too much. Regardless, I've faced the same contemptuous, condescending, "this is how things work, I can't believe I have to explain this to you" tone time after time, and I always feel the same way about it.

She uses it when she thinks I don't understand something, or that I'm doing something wrong. For instance, when I said I didn't want my children to play needlessly violent video games, she went on this long tirade about how I'll be depriving them and how they'll be ridiculed at school. The whole time, she assumed I was talking about middle school aged kids, when I meant elementary schoolers. She'll interpret things a certain way and then rant about them, implicitly accusing me of ignorance or naivet� when she decides that my train of thought, as she believes she understands it, is objectionable.

A lot of people who interact with us together remark that it's amazing we can be friends when we're so different. I often wonder myself how it's possible.

On the subject of child rearing:

I don't want to spoil my children, so I don't plan on buying them bunches of things they don't need.
-She interprets this as me treating them like we live in a third world country and depriving them of happiness.

In my own experience, children are easily influenced by media, but are unlikely to realize it. (I almost stabbed my uncle with a fork because I saw Shirley Temple do it to a bad guy in a video) For this reason, I don't want my kids to be exposed to violent video games/movies until they have good enough judgement to not copy behaviors that could really harm someone. (I didn't really understand that certain things would actually hurt people when I was younger)
-She interpreted this as me being overprotective and a helicopter parent, and ranted for a very long time about how I was going to shelter my kids so much that they would be incapable of doing anything... And then I said "ELEMENTARY SCHOOLERS?" and she said "ohhh, I thought you meant like, middle school kids" and laughed.

I know that various factors have contributed to me having a short temper as of late, but I'm really tired of feeling like I'm being talked down to and like my opinion isn't being respected. It feels like we're not just on different pages, but on different pages of different books. I'm frustrated and tired, and sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who has problems with our friendship. It seems like all the good feelings I had towards her last year at this time are just gone, replaced by exhaustion and irritability and a modicum of contempt for what I perceive as shallow materialism. She's starting to stand for all these things I hate, all these things I tried to escape from when I went to New York.

Is the problem just me?

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I hate oceanography
Monday, May 30, 2011
Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE IT.

I hate subtropical gyres.

I hate currents.

I hate the fricken Gulf Stream.



Be right back, going to go stab the professor repeatedly in the face.

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Fluffy lovin'
Thursday, May 26, 2011
My afternoon thus far has been spent watching birds hump things. The title has nothing to do with furries.

Oh baby!

I had a dream the other night that I was standing on one of those floor spots in video games that has spikes moving up and down in it, and the spikes punched through my feet. I could feel the metal, warmed by my bodyheat, sliding through my right foot. It felt like I had been sucking on a spoon... except... in my foot. There was a big hole going through where the spike had been, and I looked at the raw edges of it. I wasn't bleeding, really, but it hurt a lot.

Last night I dreamt I looked into my budgies' cage and saw Starburst. One of the perches was going through her head, where her eye sockets would have been. The sockets weren't big enough, so whoever put the perch through had to really push it, and her head was stretched around the plastic. Besides her body hanging off of it, the perch was pretty normal. This all happened on the first floor of this guy's five story house. While I was getting upset over Starburst the cops came and were arresting him at the party he was having. I don't know what he did.

My dreams lately have been kind of on the disturbing side.

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Postsecret stuff
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Some of today's Postsecret offerings are in code. I figured out that this one

A 580 PAGE

Not sure what this one says, since I don't have a smartphone.

Had to look up the Pigpen Cipher for this.


And... I can't read Braille.

Puzzles are fun, even if the secret message is really sad.

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