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its gotten a hold of me again
Sunday. 9.20.09 6:51 pm
Depression, I mean. The same shit that's had me down for the last couple weeks. Everything seems to be moving at the speed of light or in slow motion. Whenever I want something to happen, it doesn't. Or it takes it's sweet time. Whenever I don't want it to happen, that's when it shows up BAM! right in my face.

I hate that I don't feel like I can control it. I know people will argue that it's all in your head and you have every way of controlling how you feel about something, but really? You don't always. I don't care what some people say, this depression is not always my choice. Getting randomly upset/angry/pissed/annoyed or bothered is not something where I'm like "okay, yeah. I think I'll be upset and cry right now." Or "oh hey, you've done absolutely nothing wrong, but I'm going to be pissed at you anyway." Yeah, not always my choice.

I've been cursing a lot more lately. I don't really know why. It seems every few words that come out of my mouth are foul or derogatory in some way. Surprisingly it's not something that everyone is able to pick up. Even after I pointed it out to a couple of my friends, they didn't notice until I said something after saying another curse word.

I'm at the stage again where I just want to hermit myself away from the cities. Away from people. The sad part is that I'd still take my phone with me. So apparently I don't want to be put into total seclusion. I'm pretty sure I could live without the computer for a while. But my phone? Its a sickness.

Who are you supposed to talk to about something when you have no one to talk to about it? I've already expressed how I feel about a certain situation to a few people and they're sick of hearing about it from me. So now I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Unless I feel like burdening someone else. I don't want to spread the depression. I'd rather just wallow in it ...

Blah. Enough depression for the night. I should be getting ready for bed, but I'm not tired.

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why am I awake?
Saturday. 9.19.09 1:42 am
Oh right. Because I wanted to be. I had just finished telling my friend that some nights I want to stay awake just for the hell of it, but I hardly get to do that simply for the fact that my body just won't let me.

Well, tonight it appears I'm getting my wish. I'm not even close to sleepy. Sure, I'm tired, but I'm always tired. It's like the latest fashion trend.

I know exactly what's wrong with me {in this specific instance} but I won't do anything to change it. Why? I don't know. Shit would be a lot easier on me if I did change, but I just won't. I'm not going to say I can't, but it's just as likely. {don't ask for details; this particular chunk is pretty much just for me}

I'm eating the hot pockets that I bought for work. I guess as long as I leave at least 5 in the box, then I should be okay for the weekend. I might even pull out 5 and put them aside so I'm not tempted to eat them.

I might end up going to bed just out of boredom. Either way ... sleep, decent sleep, is again unlikely this weekend.

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quick thoughts
Thursday. 9.17.09 6:07 pm
I'm debating whether to go to bed now or to wait another hour. I suppose it doesn't matter either way. It's not like I'll be getting that much sleep anyway.

Found out when Jacob is having his surgery. I'll probably not be blogging very much after that. At least not for a while.

I laughed pretty damn hard today while I was out at McD's with my sister. I received a text message that I wasn't expecting and for pretty much that reason, it made me laugh.

My job pisses me off. I'm ready to leave, but I can't afford to not work. And finding another job in this place is as hard as trying to find a needle in a haystack. Cliche phrase, I know, but it's the truth.

I keep listening to the same songs over and over again. At this point, I don't think I'm even really listening to them anymore. I just sing along simply because that's the impulse that feels right. Doesn't mean I'm actually listening to what's being said.

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16,411
Monday. 9.14.09 4:41 pm
That's how many miles I have on my car right now. I bought it June 21st, 2008 with 66 miles on it. Including a 1000 mile total round trip from here to Tucson and back, I myself have put 16,345 miles on my car ... in just under 15 months. What can I say? I like to drive.

Anywho, so I guess Friday wasn't the only time I was supposed to see Jacob this past weekend. He called me in the middle of the day Saturday and told me that I was invited to have dinner with them yesterday.

Dinner was delicious. His grandmother cooked a roast and we had mashed potatoes, peas, carrots, gravy and salad with it. I didn't pig out, but I ate quite a bit.

After dinner I stayed and played a game of Apples to Apples with them. That's actually a really fun game, if you've never played it. A type of psychological game where you try and guess what the "judge" is thinking. Easy, once you get the hang of it. Even more fun when you're playing with people who you know how their mind works. It makes the other people wonder.

After the game, we all headed out to a movie. I Can Do Bad All By Myself is a very good film. I fully recommend it. That's the only Tyler Perry film that I've seen, but according to the people I was with, in their opinions it's the best so far.

After the movie, I hung out for about 45 minutes, but then I needed to leave. I hate when it comes time for me to leave. Even if his family is there. It reminds me that it's not my home anymore. Even with as crazy and strange and hectic as things got in the 10 months I lived there, so far, that's the one place I feel entirely comfortable at. I feel more comfortable there than I do in my own, private apartment. In all honesty, I think I even felt more comfortable living there than I did when I lived with my own family. It's the one place I enjoyed calling home.

So that was yesterday.

It was back to work last night. I was tired from not sleeping very well. It seems to be a normal Monday trend.

After work, however, I got a text from my friend Adrian. I haven't seen or really even spoken to him since I moved from Tucson back in '07 so it was not something I was expecting. He happened to be out here in Vegas ... to get married!!!

He wanted to know if I'd be a witness at his commitment ceremony and I had absolutely no problems with that. It was only the three of us there; him, his boyfriend {now husband} and me, but it was really sweet and cute. It was also really nice seeing him again.

Blah, I think I've written enough for the day. Time for me to go be bored some more.

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I knew I was forgetting something
Saturday. 9.12.09 11:48 am
So about a week ago I decided to write down all my bills. Just so I knew how to separate them between paychecks. After doing the math in my head and checking it on a calculator, I came up with having more money left over than I felt I should. I had a feeling I was forgetting something, but looking over my list of bills, I had gotten everything that I wrote down to come out of this paycheck.

Today, however, I happened to glance down at my floor and noticed my NV Energy bill lying there. Shit! The electric. If I didn't pay that, it'd be bad. That was the thing I was forgetting. So I've paid it for this month and I've added it to my list of bills. Now the amount of left over money makes more sense. In other words, I'm still very broke.

Anywho, went and saw "9" last night. It was good. Not great, but worth seeing.

I was so nervous, though. I haven't seen or spoken to Jacob's mother in 4 months. Not since the day I left her house. I went over there last night before the movie and she and his grandmother were both there. It was interesting. She seems to actually like me again; just as Jacob said she did. I don't know how his grandmother feels about me, but she didn't seem to show any dislike towards me. From what I've been told, I'm sure she would have if she didn't.

I don't know when I'll be going over there again. But at least now I know what to expect. I have a feeling it won't be any time this weekend. Which I guess is okay. I planned on being insanely bored over the weekend anyway. I only had the plan for Friday night.

I can't really go shopping until Tuesday because that's when everything seems to go through my bank account when transactions are placed over the weekend. I don't know why it doesn't go through on Monday, but whatever. I really need to go before that, but I don't know exactly how much money I'll have left over until after all the transactions go through.

I guess that's it for the day. I'm bored and broke like there's no tomorrow. And I'm just not feeling up to much today.

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October is when I start my yearly countdown
Wednesday. 9.9.09 3:22 pm
I don't actually have a "yearly countdown," but it just sounded good. I do look forward to October for two reasons {my birthday not being one of them.} One, because that means Halloween candy is out. The odds of finding nifty, creepy, proper Halloween decorations, though, have gotten lower and lower each year. Its still fun to scout.

And two, because that's the month it finally starts to cool down. Or at least we hope so. Sometimes out here it doesn't start to get cool enough to wear a jacket until mid-November. Either way.

Today is the beginning of a very long 3 months. Jacob's grandmother is in town for the next two months to help out at home with Jacob's recovery. After his surgery, he will not be able to be left alone in the house, just in case something were to happen to him. I have no problems going over there every day to help out, but I can't take the time off from work in order to do that.

According to what I've been told, his grandmother is harder to deal with than his mother. And if you've remembered anything I've mentioned about his mother, it's not an easy task dealing with her. She's nice and all, but still.

Our time spent together is going to severely diminish as of today. I'm still going to try for getting to see him once a week. Hopefully his guardians will allow me to be over there more often, as long as he wants me there anyway. I won't just randomly show up.

Gah! A development at work today has managed to aggravate me. They've added more designated carpool parking spaces and it includes the spot that I've been parking in since day frickin one. I now have to park elsewhere. It's such a pain in the ass! Its not even like a whole ton of people at my job carpool. The six spaces they had were more than enough.

I also managed to come very close to getting in trouble today. I took a lot longer than I should have to do one of our patrols ... because I stopped to talk to someone and I lost track of time. I just hope that because this is the first time I've done something like that, they won't care enough to do any kind of video review to see why it actually took me as long as I did. I guess I'll find out tomorrow if/when I get talked to about it.

After sleeping for 6 straight hours yesterday, I'm still awake. I have a feeling it's going to be pretty hard for me to fall asleep tonight. This is one reason I'm thankful for my lack of sleep. The less straight, solid sleep I get, usually, the easier it is for me to fall asleep when I need to. I don't stay asleep for very long, but it still gets me to sleep when I should. Perhaps this weekend I'll stay up all night Saturday just so I'll be able to sleep Sunday before going back to work.

Hmm, my blogs have been getting longer. I wonder why.

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