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torn with indecision
Sunday. 11.29.09 3:56 pm
Reality has come back. My weekend is over and everything returns to normal. Everything, this time. Jacob is back to work today. A normality that he's been looking forward to; a normality that needs to happen. The reality that I need to separate myself from him again. With him back at work I will be restricted to seeing him only on weekends. And not even my weekend.

And it bothers me. I've taken far too much advantage of the last two months. And I will be paying for it now. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. Something that'll I'll eventually talk to him about. It will only take one weekend for it to fully set in. This reality that I've not had to live with for the last two months.

We're both going to Seattle. We're not going together. I asked him about it this weekend and he gave me a straight up, honest answer. I will be going to Seattle alone or not at all. Either way, I won't be going with him. If I stay in Vegas, he'll figure out that I'm waiting for him and he'll leave abruptly. I'm torn between how much longer I should stay in Las Vegas. He's talking about staying here for at least another year. I want to spend as much time with him in that year as possible.

I don't know what to do.

I had a very good weekend, but the alternate reality has come to an end. After spending the time over there, I've realized just how much more I hate coming back to this home. The new apartment will be so much better. It won't be with him, but it's the closest I can get.

I need to just take things one day at a time. One day at a time.

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moving ... again
Sunday. 11.22.09 10:26 am
Wow, I didn't realize how long it had been since I had written anything on here.

As you're probably smart enough to understand my title, I'm moving again. My sister and I are getting an apartment together. I'm so glad to be getting out of this hell hole. I hate living on this side of town. It's really not a good part of town. As you might have realized when I blogged about getting my license plates stolen off my car some odd months ago. This new place is run by the same company, but it's in a much nicer area. I'll be moving back into the same zip code as I had when I was living with Jacob. It's farther from my work, but I'm perfectly happy with that. My sister needed something close to her work since she doesn't have a car and I honestly would rather drive on the highway. This gives me the perfect opportunity to do so.

We sign the lease and get our keys on the 19th of December. I don't care that it's the week before Christmas; I didn't plan on getting anyone anything anyway. I'm probably going to start packing next week just to get my stuff prepared for easy moving when the day comes. It'll be so nice being back on that side of town. I'm very happy with this.

Other than that not much has happened in the last week. Thanksgiving is on Thursday. The only day of the year where everyone can stuff their faces with food and not be considered a pig. I'll be spending it with Jacob and his mom again. My sister might be joining us this year, depending on what she wants to do. I'm looking forward to it ... and not just because the mooch loves food, though that's a big chunk of the reason I like that holiday. It's because I'll get a day off work and I'll be spending it with people I love. People I consider family. It's something to look forward to. Besides, for some reason she got a 20lb turkey. . . for three people. There's going to be a lot of left-overs.

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*le sigh*
Sunday. 11.15.09 7:47 am
Yes, today is another one of those days that I just don't feel like dealing with shit. I don't want to be here. I'm sick and tired of the things that go on at work. I just need to stop and get away.

No, you assholes, I don't want him to leave his wife. Just because I talk to the man and we happen to talk about his family, it does not mean I'm obbsessed with it. And to you, the spectacular fuck up that I don't know who's talking about me, I'm not dating the guy who you're telling everyone that I'm dating. If anything, I'm dating a person that you don't know and will never know.

Is is true that I let people take advantage? Sometimes. If someone needs a ride somewhere, I'll usually do it, even if I don't want to. I've said no, but it doesn't happen often.

After I take my sister to work, I'm coming home and going nowhere else. Today is my day to rest and attempt to relax. I doubt the attempt will be successful. I stress too much over stuff.

Stupid dreams won't let me sleep. In the last week or so I've been plagued with dreams. Ones that I can't remember. Even when I usually can't remember them once I wake up, I remember that when it woke me in the middle of the night I could vaguely remember. But this I just remember that it was dreams that kept waking me up in the middle of the night. For a while I realized that if I had the music off, the dreams would be more frequent and more bothersome. So I started playing the music all the time. Now, it doesn't seem to matter. The only one that I've been able to remember was from last night and just like any other dream, it was strange.

I don't want to do anything today. As if you couldn't tell when I said that I wasn't going anywhere besides taking my sister to work. But I guess I'm just emphasizing how much I don't want to go out anywhere. I have no more food in the house, but that's normal. I'm not hungry anyway. It's one of those where I know I should eat, but I just don't have an appetite so nothing sounds good. Besides, I don't have enough money to buy anything anyway.

I'm sick of this place. I'm sick of my job. I'm sick of it all right now. It'll get better. I just need to get through this. It's not the first time I've felt this way and I'm certain it won't be the last.

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little white lies
Wednesday. 11.11.09 5:05 pm
Those are the ones that seem so harmless, but have the potential to become something much bigger than they are.

It starts when you're a child. "Little Jim, do you know who ate the last cookie?" "Of course not. I didn't see anything." As the little boy tries his best to make sure all of the crumbs are no longer on his face.

You do it to keep from getting into trouble. You lie to protect yourself. It continues on into adulthood. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "No officer. I don't." As you remember that you should have stopped before the light turned red or that you should have slowed down when the speed limit was reduced.

I don't know. The biggest, most common white lie. Used by everyone, in every language, in every country.

I'm guilty of that particular one. It would get me into quite a bit of trouble in certain areas if I told the truth. 'I don't know' is basically an escape route. You say it when you don't want to talk about something. Playing dumb can be an advantage sometimes, but only in certain circumstances.

I will admit that I usually use 'I don't know' when I'm questioned about something that I don't want to talk about either because it will get me into trouble, because I just simply don't want to give you the answer you're looking for or because I'm embarassed by the actual answer. It's an unfortunate truth and sadly I don't see myself stopping that any time soon.

Have you ever done something that you couldn't even tell one person? Or the one person you could tell was someone that had absolutely no association with you or anyone you know {ie: therapist}? I'm in a situation like that at the moment. So I might be posting a PWP entry at some point in the near future. Just so that I can get it out ... considering I don't have a therapist yet.

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fun times
Sunday. 11.8.09 3:51 pm
Last night we were working on our Japanese whilst getting buzzed off Smirnoff Ice. We both had two; nowhere near enough to get us drunk, but it made us feel good. And we pretty much had the most fun we've ever had while doing the Japanese stuff.

We've decided that we're going to work on the Core Lessons together; making up flash cards as we go and then work on the remainder of the lessons on our own time.

Unit two is more difficult than Unit one. There are a lot more terms and half of them sound alike. I wonder how much more difficult Unit three will be. I have a microphone for my computer now, though, so I'll be able to do everything in each lesson rather than skipping over every part that requires speaking.

I actually have food to bring with me to work over the next four days. I don't know what I'll do about the fifth day; there wasn't enough turkey in the package to make five sandwiches. Oh well. Perhaps I'll hold on to the two dollars I have in cash to maybe get some chips that day or something.

The weather is actually pretty nice today. Too bad I don't have enough gas in my car to just go out for a drive. It's also too bad that I have nowhere to go. I already went to the store. It's 4pm now so it's pretty close to being too late for me to go out, considering I have work tonight. If I went out now, I'd only have maybe an hour or two to do whatever before I have to be back home in order to be in bed at a reasonable hour. Oh well. That's always how luck seems to run.

Oh, ha. I got my electric bill the other day and I actually laughed out loud. If you've ever had to pay your own electric or have heard other people complaining about the outrageous price theirs is, you'll laugh at this too. First, though, you must understand that I live alone, in an apartment that's less than 400sq ft. I haven't run my airconditioning in over a month and I haven't turned my heat on yet. I opened up my electric bill and it said the amount due was $27.01. Which means that I'm spending less than $1 a day on electricity. I found that laughable.

Alrighty, I think I'm gonna bounce around the net some more before I begin to melt my brain again. I want to get through lesson 4 today. This way I can go back through the lessons and complete the speaking parts I had to skip.

Until next time NuTang ...

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night driving - good; rush hour traffic, not so much
Tuesday. 11.3.09 6:02 pm
Ever since I bought my car, I've much preferred driving at night. If I had the choice, I'd only do my driving at night. There's much less traffic, you don't have to worry about the sun glaring off the cars and objects around you and it's generally cooler so you don't always have to run the AC {the only downfall is during the winter when it's much colder at night; a minor setback.}

I enjoy night driving.

However, now that Daylight Saving time has ended, it gets dark right around rush hour traffic time. I was drivng home last night at around 5:30pm and it was going rather smoothly. . . until I hit the Spaghetti Bowl {that's what it's called cuz from an aerial view it looks like a bowl of spaghetti; the way each of the highways/city streets twist around each other. it's a major chunk section of interchanging highways and streets.} I keep forgetting just how much traffic SUCKS on the highway right at rush hour.

It's not much better on city streets and probably still would have taken me twice as long to get home. It's easier just to take the highway.

That's another thing. I'm a highway driver. I prefer going faster to get to my destination. It's rather bothersome when there's no easy highway access to get me to where I need to go. Like when I'm going to my sister's. I would be going a bit out of my way if I took the highway. It's smarter and quicker to stick to city streets. Annoying, but more efficient.

Anywho, I'm debating on going out to get me a $5 pizza. It's not fresh, but it's hot and ready to go when I get there. That's how they can get away with only charging $5 for it. It'd be cheaper than going to Panda. Yeah, I think I'm gonna go do that. It's right down the street and oh hey, it's dark outside so that works.

Until next time NuTang ...

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