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Memores acti prudentes futuri

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A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Passive Aggressive Notes
This entry contains references to poetry
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
I like the poetry I write when I'm hanging onto sanity by a thread. It feels more real, faster, more rhythmic.

Maybe I'm one of those people who can write well as long as they suffer intensely. My whole life could be a descent into utter despair, but my works would be cherished forever.

Probably not. I don't think I actually have that kind of talent.

But it does bring up the question of whether it's better to be an unhappy somebody or a happy nobody. I guess most people would choose to be happy. We're all supposed to want to be happy, after all.

That's just normal.

But I don't like normalcy. Don't get me wrong, I guess I like being happy, too. I'm past being confused and scared by happiness. I think I know how it feels, now. It can't surprise me anymore.

I don't write happy poetry. It feels weird to say that, because I don't think I've acknowledged it before. I can write SILLY poetry, and nonsensical things, but I wouldn't consider those happy, per se.

No, I write poems about being sad, and guilt, and feeling so completely alienated by everything that you're not sure anymore if your reflection is really just an image, or if it's another person that mimics everything you do, and one day when you've let your guard down, they will come out and they will replace you, and no one will ever know the difference because of how well they copy you.

I don't even know if you'll know, because I don't know what your reflection does with you.

I'm actually feeling okay. Maybe a little off, here and there, but I'm not at any extremes. I've been writing some things. Not the stuff in the last entry, though. Those were just bits of things that I decided to pull out of my sketchbook and post. Those are from when I had so many thoughts in my head I felt like I was being pulled apart into different people and I had to write everything down so I wouldn't break down.

Guess you guys were not sure how to respond to my old... excerpts. Well, that's alright. In case you were wondering though, I haven't finally descended into madness for good. It was just some old stuff I thought I'd share.

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Krackzict [DP]
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Some clarifications
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
So I realized I gave everybody the wrong impression with my last entry. Going to clear some things up in this one, for clarity's sake.

ES Guy: The one who asked what I like in a guy. He is apparently Mexican, though he doesn't really look it (the dude is like, six feet tall). Twenty two this month. Went to Cal Poly for 3 1/2 years before leaving to come... to a community college to figure stuff out.

Some quick notes:
-He's the one I think I might be leading on
-I've been hanging out with him for the few hours I have between my classes in the morning
-I'm prettttttttttttty sure he's interested in me...
-->Mentioned that something I did was cute
-->Did that stereotypical guy-teaching-the-girl-how-to-play-sports thing... with a frisbee. Hahahahahah, oh man. That was definitely a first for me. On the bright side, I suck slightly less at throwing a frisbee now. Maybe?
-->Comes to school like... seven hours earlier than his class starts
----->With a bit of questioning on my end, has revealed that he likes having "someone" to talk to
-We talked today about what our first kisses were like and I found out he likes that open mouth tongue kissing thing. Ewwwwwwww
-He mentioned that he prefers for his relationships to start out as friendships and then... transition to relationships... without any official declarations
-->You can imagine how that makes me feel...
-->At the same time... this could be an easy way out? It doesn't have to go in a romantic direction

Astro Guy: The Naruto-likin' asian dude who keeps calling me ninja/assassin/electro Christmas tree assassin. I don't really know anything about him except that he is a mixed asian... or something like that. He acts cutesy and it's kinda weird for me.

-He is pretty much exactly the kind of guy I went to high school with
-->Asked me what my ethnicity was like, the second time we talked
-->Later told me I was "not like other asians" (wtf?)
-Does not buy any of his music
-Spends class time playing games on his phone
-Sits next to me without invitation; I guess he figured that the permission I gave once applies to all future instances

Now you are up to date on my not-really-a-lovelife. Congratulations!

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Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Replied with a single question mark. He may interpret that as he wishes.

Today I was asked:

"What do you like in a guy?"

I keep wanting to respond to these queries with something to the effect of "lolololololololol" (said with arms up in the air and the face below).

But instead I said that I didn't really have any specific criteria.

I feel really bad about this in a way. I mean, I think I might be leading him on. I don't want to do that... But I wonder if I enjoy doing this and am secretly a horrible sadistic person. Anything is possible, after all.

EVERYTHING IS FUNNY TODAY. It's 'cause I'm tired. Everything is so damn hilarious when I'm tired. My keyboard is funny. Hell if I know why. Just looking at the little white letters on the black keys makes me laugh to myself.

That asian guy from my Astronomy class has continued to prod me with conversation. He is not really winning my heart, I must say. Everytime he sits down near me he says "hi assassin," since he has decided that is my nickname. Today he asked me if I watched Naruto by any chance. I swear, he has a fixation with my headbands. DUDE, I AM NOT A NINJA. >:0

Everything is just like, HAHAHAHAHHA

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How to respond...
Monday, May 2, 2011
I got a message from a guy I went to school with.

"are you the [my name] from elementary school?"

We were never really friends. Actually, I quite dislike(d) him.

How I want to reply:

"Are you the dick who made fun of me in elementary school, middle school, and high school?"

Holding a grudge? Me? Oh, goodness no... It's not like I distinctly remember every time he poked fun at me or anything...

Some may say "oh, he probably just like(d) you..." Well y'know what? Screw that. Even if he did/does, and now he wants to confess his undying love over the internet, he can go die in a hole. He teased me every time I let my guard down. He was consistently a dick to me every time we came into contact.

Dude needs to get the hell out of my life.

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May already... [DP]
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Friday, April 29, 2011
Don't have a new router yet. I'm still using the front computer.

I just took a nap, and I had... kind of a disturbing dream.

In it, I started out pregnant. That was uh... all fine and good, I guess. When I had the baby, all I did was squat down in what felt like an isolated/abandoned bathtub and it... came out without a hitch. There was no labor.

The "baby" was a sixteen year old boy. I had no affection for him.

I went to talk to my mom about the pregnancy. She was surprised that the birth wasn't intense, and told me that it had been for her. I thought to myself that I had been clever doing it the way I did, and was... kind of smug about it. I guess I was also pleasantly surprised that taking advice from Cracked had been such a good idea. [See HERE]

My body even seemed fine. I had on a shirt, and it felt like I was exactly the same weight that I had been before getting pregnant. My tummy wasn't flabby or anything at all.

But... when I lifted up my shirt a little to see if I had stretch marks, I was rather horrified to discover that I had two patches of what looked like tractor marks on the sides of my stomach. They were very deep grooves.

Like this, except in my flesh, and scaled down.

There were also a ton of quarter-sized itchy red patches on my torso. I had no idea what they were, but their presence worried me.

Later, I was again horrified, because all the red patches had apparently been new nipples sprouting up on me. They weren't clustered close together or anything, but were spread out on the skin of my stomach, chest and back. You could only see them if I lifted up my shirt...

I wondered if they were there to nurse my child, but he was already sixteen, so it seemed like that couldn't be the reason. They were still red, just kind of dark brown in the middle where the new flesh was poking out. I looked like I had been infected with an alien disease...


Yeah, I woke up feeling extremely freaked out, but I couldn't remember the dream, so I didn't know why I felt that way. My mom thinks I had it because the room was too hot...


Yesterday I had a dream that I was going to the environmental studies center at school, and it was raining. When I got inside I was dry though. It looked nothing like the building it was representing... actually it felt kind of like a larger version of my grandparents' house in Hawaii. Tropical.

People were gathered around a TV in the room I entered first. They were watching a movie where people with shovels were mechanically raising them up and bringing them down on the ground beneath the frame. I could hear sobbing screams of pain from the left area outside the camera field. Then it panned to a naked blonde girl on the ground who was covered with little red gashes. They were beating her to death with the shovels.

Feeling disturbed, I walked away to see what was on the other TVs. Some old people were watching something in black and white, but I didn't find it interesting.

I left, and went to talk to my dad about the movie I had seen. He recognized it, and said "ah, yes, that's Marsh Alley or Marshmallow." Apparently it was a classic movie from the seventies. He said "you used to do the Pledge of Allegiance, right?" I nodded. "Well, it's like that."


I don't know why I keep having these creepy dreams...

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Just in case
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
You know how I sometimes post those entries that say "I'll be going here... no internet access... expect no posts for a few days" blah blah etc. etc.? Well, the router in my house has died, so my dad had to wire up the front computer to work directly with the internet... or something...

I have no connection in my room, so I'm not sure how active I'll be until we get a new router. Just giving a warning to anyone who might notice/care.

Also I sort of got hit on today by an asian dude in my astronomy class. XD

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