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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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More woes on the road to getting a license
Friday, August 12, 2011

That song has nothing at all to do with licenses. I just like it.

I've been avoiding reading the driver's handbook for a few weeks, but I walked over to my mom today and she asked, "so, do you want to schedule an appointment with the DMV?"

Oops. I was honest though and said I hadn't finished reading the handbook (still have ~60 pages to go D:), so she said alright and went back to her business.

Meh. Well, regardless, I don't think I'll be like my brother and get fourteen wrong when I take the permit test, even if he thinks I'll fail. (Not sure what his logic is there-- genetic idiocy?)


Researching/applying to colleges seems like an endless task. I wish I had someone to do this with. :/ I used to hear so much about how people found their "perfect schools" or they researched universities and just saw one that "looked right" to them. I don't think that's ever going to happen for me.

Every time I stay up late researching colleges, I get a little more discouraged. My interests are a little too random for any one school to satisfy them, I guess, and I don't have a single interest strong enough to overcome the rest.

At least this stuff serves as a distraction...

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Learning how to be a grown up
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Well, I sort of drove for the first time on Tuesday. I say "sort of" because I pretty much just jerked the car forward and then freaked out and stomped on the brake.

Not gonna lie, it was a... harrowing experience.

The car is stick shift, so my mom was trying to tell me what to do with the clutch and the gears. I got that part, but then it got a little confusing with the "stepping on the clutch and the brake while starting but then stepping on the gas lightly, and then easing off the clutch and just stepping on the gas" part. See, prior to that she told me I had to keep my foot on the clutch while in first gear, but then when she showed me, she took her foot off the clutch...

Anyway, when I got behind the wheel, I spent awhile nervously asking questions about what to do, which I'll openly admit was just to stall. When I finally started the car and stepped on the gas, the car jerked forward at what felt like the speed of light and I freaked out.

I did manage to actually drive for about ten seconds, and went around in a sorta circle, but it wasn't like those moments in movies where the character is intimidated and scared at first and then realizes they can do it. It was more like I was panicking because it seemed like the steering wheel was turned really far, and I wasn't sure if that was right, and I was afraid I was going to crash into something.

Despite all this, I mostly managed to keep my cool, though with less self control I probably would have been screaming the entire time.

-Car jerks forward-
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAH -Slams brakes-
Mom: Okay you just stopped the car, so you have to start it again now.
Me: -Turns key- -Car makes noise- AAAAAAAAAAAH

Well actually, that sort of did happen, except I didn't scream loudly.

Ugh. I don't want to learn how to drive...

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IM pros and cons...
Monday, August 8, 2011
I use AIM a lot, as you may or may not know/care.

Some pros:
-Less harrowing than making a phone call

Some cons:
-Emotions and body language don't go through
-Easily misinterpreted

I kind of hate it when I'm feeling serious or just not in the mood for frivolous silly talk, and the person I'm talking to doesn't at all pick up on that. I guess it can't be helped, it being the extremely limited IM form of communication and all, but it does bug me when this happens:

Me: [something serious, possibly saying I'm feeling depressed]
Other person: HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY [other silly things]

I can be silly and random and all that, but I do get tired of it, and then it just seems stupid and irritating.

Of course, I also have to wonder if the other person CAN sense that I'm feeling down or otherwise not in a good mood, and so their attempt to change the subject by being silly is supposed to cheer me up. WHY people think that's a good idea is beyond me, but I guess I can understand if they feel awkward/uncomfortable and don't want to discuss the more serious stuff.

Really though... if the conversation went like this, replacing depression with a pet's death...

Person A: So, my favorite pet died yesterday and I'm having a hard time dealing with it...
Person B: AWW, YOU SHOULD CHEER UP AND BE HAPPY! HERE, LOOK AT THIS FUNNY PICTURE I FOUND ON THE INTERNET. [Basically ignores connotations of other person's statement]

...Doesn't something seem a little off about that? Just saying.

Again, not trying to rag on people for trying to lighten up the mood. There's a time and a place for that though, and sometimes I just want to have a serious discussion (this counts for all serious topics, not just me being depressed). Turn off the silly for a few minutes, y'know.

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Home home home
Friday, August 5, 2011
Back from Hawaii, yesiree.

I woke up at around 4 PM "today" (Thursday). :|

What with the three hour time difference between Hawaii and California, I spent most of Wednesday on a plane. (Our flight was at 1:30 PM but it was delayed for a few reasons-- for instance, when we finally boarded it got stuck in a pothole) We arrived in California at around 10:30 PM (local time).

Anyway, I slept a lot on the plane, so I didn't end up going to sleep until after 6 AM Thursday morning. Eek.

Thursday evening/night though, I hung out with Jasper. We attempted to draw some geese at a nearby park for a little while. It was so crazy, you have no idea. The park was FULL of geese. Not the white kind, but the black/brownish/grey kind. It was like there had been a population explosion. There had to have been like, hundreds. I drew... one. XD

Jasper tried to draw me, but he ended up with a Roald Dahl-esque drawing of my face, which I transformed into a peeved grandma type figure. Unfortunately I don't have a picture of it. :(

And then what... hm... oh, we had dinner at an Ethiopian restaurant (yummy as always) and then went to his house and played Rockband. It was my first time, but actually it wasn't too bad! I did vocals, which was sort of hard at times because I didn't know most of the songs... but we pretty much just played ones that I knew anyway, so I did alright (on Easy/Medium level, of course :P). Chris came over after a few songs and he joined in.

We also watched Moon, which was pretty cool. I kept thinking that it was all going to be a mind trick, but it was fairly straight forward... The movie finished sometime after 2 AM, at which point we decided to call it a night. Chris drove me home, and I brushed my teeth and hopped on the computer... and that's basically my day, in a nutshell.

Just a reminder to myself... I need to talk to Silver on AIM at some point. Gotta ask about schools in New York...


The only problem with being completely honest about who you are is that some people are horrible.

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Appetite o' mine
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
I haven't really had much of an appetite in a month or so. Maybe more. I'm not really keeping track.

It's that ol' chronic depression rearing its head again. Or maybe it just came back from vacation. Back to work, back to work.

Lower that self-esteem, drain that energy, sap that motivation, topple those interests. Nose to the grindstone, Depression dearest.

It's just getting settled in now, so it's mild. Right now it's just on nightshift, for the most part.

Thinking about my take on life, I think I'm optimistic about the future in the short term and pessimistic about it in the long term.

I kind of assume I'll get through with my schooling and have good grades and all that.

I also kind of assume that I'll struggle to find a job and may not be financially independent for awhile after I get out of college. Even then, I might have trouble paying my bills, and unless I marry someone who's pretty well off, I'll probably have to work to support any potential children.

It's not the life I want, but then again, what is?


I probably think about being a nun more than your average nineteen year old agnostic.

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Tunes and bites and lips and things
Friday, July 29, 2011
"Let's make believe there's nothing wrong with us..."

Been listening to a lot of Splitsville lately. The Myspace player is pretty handy since they have just about all their songs on there.

I can't seem to embed the songs on Myspace anywhere, so I'll just link the ones I've been playing the most...

Big Red Sun

Your Way, My Way

I'm not too sure what else to say, really. My mood's been a bit low recently... I made the mistake of rereading my journal entries from the time after my last breakup. Baddddddddd idea.

In other ex news though, my first ex has been texting me and we're getting along alright. My brother is being stupid and keeps asking me if I think we're going to get back together. (There's no way in hell that's happening, of course) I broke up with HIM, plus, the dude is engaged now. But eh, my brother just likes to troll. That's been his number one hobby as long as I can remember. It's really sad that he's eighteen now and he still hasn't grown out of it.

I've been taking some video footage of stuff here, so I might upload a few of those when I get back. We'll see, I guess...

-Sigh- The mosquitoes all waited to bite me until my last week here. :( I've been wearing shorts because my legs are freakin' pale (no sun exposure back home), but the mosquitoes were ignoring me until just recently. I think it's just because I've been hiking with uncovered skin. Sadly my itching suffering seems to have been for naught, as my legs are still untanned.

Also this is kind of a random note to end on, but does anybody wake up with like, pale lips? Because I've noticed that when I wake up, I might look tired, and my lips don't have much color to them, but after I feel more awake they look... more red. It might have something to do with blood circulation, I dunno. Just wondering.

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Contemplations, decisions
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Maybe I'll go for NYU after all.

I think I have to get an associate's degree first though.

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A quick share
Thursday, July 21, 2011
If I had the skills, this is the webcomic I would make:

The Secret Knots


I've linked it in the KtB module, but I didn't want it to go unannounced like all the other recent additions.

It deserves attention.

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